Finding Home (19 page)

Gramps decides to break the silence. “Now listen, Jenny, let’s leave it alone. Perhaps I shouldn’t have said anything, but this is exciting news. Now Ben, on the other hand, will spill it.” He winks at me as if he just saved me.
What is with the men in this family winking so damn much?
What should have been a private moment between us is now not so private.

Granted, no one is looking for a reply from me, but they still want answers. Ben clears his throat, pushes back his chair, and makes his way next to me. He takes my hand in his. “Since I know you won’t shut up about this until one of us talks, I’ll step up to the plate.” He kisses my hand sweetly before speaking again. “Sam and I have gotten to know each other over the phone the past few years. When she would answer and say hello I knew I would be having a conversation with someone who’s kind, sweet, and funny.” I look right at him, not avoiding his eyes anymore. “When I saw her at the airport, she made me smile. A real smile, too, not one that’s been plastered on my face to make you and everyone else happy. So we kissed last night and Gramps interrupted us. Any more questions, or are we good here?”

My heart rate is at supersonic speed, and if it’s even possible to blush more, I do. His words stun me. He seems so comfortable by his admission. His words amaze me and pull me further into him. I touch his face and hold our gaze to try and read what he’s saying. I see truth and a spark of hope. His blinking breaks my concentration and focus. It’s then I realize all eyes are still on us.

I know I should say something, but I panic. “Ah, yeah, basically what he said is the same for me. Thanks for breakfast, everything looks delicious.” I can’t decide if I should stay and eat or make a great escape.
Escape
. I grab a muffin and head out the back door to the barn. Sitting on the bench out back, I take my deep breaths, in and out, in and out. I mentally count to twenty, bringing my heart and mind back under control. I thought I had a crazy family, but Jesus, they talk about everything! It’s probably better to get it out in the open anyway. I don’t want to keep my feelings hidden, and staring into his eyes tells me what l need to know.

The conversation with my family is awkward, but it needs to happen. I knew Gramps would bring it up, I just didn’t realize he would do it in front of Sam. The old bastard is really pushing his limit with this moving on shit he’s been pulling. I know he’s right, but he needs to recognize that it has to be at my pace.

Apparently my pace is lacking self-control ‘cause all I want to do is wrap her in my arms, hold her, and kiss her. When she’s near, I’m ignited with a passion that’s been dormant for a long time. She touches me deeply, and I’m drowning in her.

I quickly leave the kitchen before any more questions come at me. I follow her path out the door and look around to see where she went. My only options are the barn or the vineyard. I’m willing to bet she’s in the barn. I don’t have to search long to see her sitting on a bench out back. Her eyes are closed, and she’s inhaling deeply with her head resting against the barn. Her beauty hypnotizes me—drawing me in every fucking time.

“Hi. Are you okay?”

She lifts her head up while taking a deep breath. “I’ve been better, but I’ll get over it. You were right, no filter, and apparently no privacy either.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that. They just care too much sometimes. They’ve always been like that. We’re a pretty open family.” I shrug and slouch down in between her legs. “I think I’ve been hurting them by keeping them shut out. They witnessed my pain off and on, so Gramps finding us kissing gives them some hope, I guess.” My thumb brushes across her cheek. “You know you walking into my life lessens the pain.” My thumb makes its way to her lips, stroking it purposefully before stopping. Her breath hitches, and with the sensation her touch brings me, I’m further drawn into her. “I want the pain to go, but I need your help. I don’t know what to do next. Where do we go from here?”

“I wish I could give you some profound answer, but I don’t have a fucking clue.”

“Ha, when you curse, it makes me laugh and shocks me a little, too. I like that.”

“I like that I do that to you. I admit, I have a colorful vocabulary.” She touches my lips gently—the heat of her touch warms me. “The only thing I can think of right now, besides kissing you again, is that we let each other in and see what happens.” I kiss her fingertips softly, and she rewards me with a smile. “Ben, with each touch or glance you give me, my wall comes crumbling down a bit more. I don’t want to rebuild it, so please, wreck me carefully.”

I can’t take it anymore. Her words impale me and push me over the edge. Her tongue touches my lips and licks them seductively. I meet her tongue with mine, and they dance together through a slow love song, moving and twirling in perfect harmony. Our heart beats and breaths match each other in unison. Then she moans, and it’s like she’s singing to me and only for me. I’m lost in our song and can only imagine what music our bodies can make together.

Gradually we break apart. My growing desire for her is scary but exciting. I’m so close to losing it and getting lost in her. But I remember that we agreed to take it slow, to get to know each other better. But, damn, with every kiss and touch, my control weakens. “Damn Sam, your mouth—and how you use it—is a true gift. Whatever you do, don’t stop. Keep them coming.”

“A gift? Well, you sound like a brat looking for more presents on his birthday.”

I kiss her again and laugh, nibbling her bottom lip. “You’ve spoiled me and ruined any other presents anyone could ever give me.”

“I bet I could think of a better gift that involves my mouth on other parts of your body.” I jump back, nearly falling on my ass.

“Fuck, Sam, that’s the shock I’m talking about. You think I wreck you, but babe, you slay me. Utterly and completely slay me.”

She grabs my shirt, raises her eyebrows, and goes in for the kill. “Then let’s wreck each other.”

“Babe, I’ve only got so much control. You talking about that sweet mouth of yours has my imagination running wild. Didn’t you want to go slow?” Her eyes blink several times as if she’s trying to clear the haze.

“You’re right. Slow. It’s the responsible thing to do. We’ve both been through a lot, and love’s been complicated for us. So what do you suggest?”

The word love doesn’t go unnoticed. I’ll just file that back for another time. “Well, I do have a rugby game this weekend. Would you and Jenny like to come to a game? We can head out for dinner after with Jack.” Her eyes pop up, and I’m not sure how she feels about it. I better think fast. “Or we could do the dinner and a movie thing. That’s what our bet’s supposed to be. I’ll even let you pick.”

“It’s my pick anyway. Okay. How about both? I think going to a rugby game would be fun, and then we can have a date redo.”

“Date redo?”

“Yeah, redo. Our last date didn’t end so hot.”

“Ah, I remember it ending pretty hot with that kiss under the tree.” I get up and sit next to her on the bench while she continues her redo explanation.

“Well, that occurred hours after our goodbye. So it doesn’t count. It’s a date redo, so don’t blow it this time.” I can hear the humor laced with spunk in her voice.

“I love it when you’re feisty! Okay then, rugby game on Saturday at Stanford. We can grab some food in the city.”

“Sounds perfect. But what about collecting on our bet? The bet I won.”

Man this girl is good. “I never back down from a bet, so how about dinner and classic movie night on Tuesday?”

“Okay, sounds like a plan.” She sets out her hand to shake on it.

“I will get a chance to redeem myself with our redo.” Placing my hand in hers, we shake on it.

“So, I’ll see you later.” She grabs her muffins and heads back to the house. “I have to deal with Jenny. She’s going to want the scoop about us.”

“Yeah, she will. But I have a feeling you can handle her.”

“I can handle her. I’m used to her crazies. But can you handle me?” She pushes me back against the barn wall. “Fair warning, Ben, I’m awake … wide awake. I’ve been asleep for too long. So brace yourself. You and I are going to have a lot of fun.”

My hands rub my hair frustratingly. “Holy shit, you’re full of surprises, aren’t you?” She grabs my hands to stop me, holding them in place.

She moves her mouth to my ear and whispers softly to me, “You have no idea.” She takes a tiny nibble on my lobe. “I’m not finished shocking you.” She blows softly. “Bob’s going to be getting a work out tonight, and with the way you kiss me, he won’t have to work too hard. Bye, Ben.”

Fucking shit, what the hell just happened? I can’t fucking move right now, because the bulge in my pants makes it impossible. This girl makes me come alive. She’s right about being awake, because I feel it, too. I’ve been drifting in and out of sleep for so long, and I’m finally starting to wake up.

I go about my Friday as I normally do. I go for a run and sit outside at my favorite cafe. I enjoy the laziness of the morning and bask in the quiet. The weather is perfect today—a sunny day with a light breeze. The weather is supposed to hold up through the weekend, perfect for an evening game. Feeling my relaxation set in, I close my eyes and let myself remember the day before Beth died.

We spent the day shopping in the city for a new couch. She was taking the excursion seriously, and I couldn’t have cared less. She kept poking me in the stomach trying to keep me in line. I kept dragging her over to the mattress section, throwing her down on top of them. She looked at me sternly, but her laughter gave her away. I knew I had her when she pulled me down onto her and kissed me. We never picked out the couch that day. But we sure had fun on those mattresses until we were asked to leave. I allow myself that one memory and stop before thinking about the next day.

As I sit here and think of her, my sadness is not as strong. It’s a happy memory of us. I miss recalling the happy memories. I only seem to think of the bad ones, and that hasn’t done me any good. I just need to figure out how much I want to remember.

Is there a time limit on recalling the past, and how do you know when the time’s up? As much as I want Sam, is my time with Beth up? I know Beth’s dead, but there’re so many instances when she feels alive in my memories.

The constant push and pull going on in my head is like a bad case of motion sickness. I look out to the horizon to help balance me. The mountains are gorgeous, and the sun’s rays shine over the tops of them. Breathing in and out, I try to focus on the good right now. Closing my eyes, I see Sam’s face and hear her laughter. I feel her kisses and the warmth her touch brings me. Balance begins to settle over me, but the clarity is still foggy.

It’s like a scale. Beth is on one side, and Sam is on the other. Both are fighting to tip it to their favor. I’m not sure how to figure this all out or what it means. All I can see right now is Sam’s face curing the dull ache in my chest. I need to pursue this and let things play out. See which way the scale tips and get back in the game.

Jenny was relentless. She cornered me in my room the moment I stepped inside. She had a million questions coming at me in rapid fire. I tried to explain to her that I didn’t have a friggin’ clue about what we were feeling. We were taking it slow and would see what happens. She wanted to ask me about the kiss, and then decided against it. Too much of an “ick” factor she called it. That was fine by me. I did not want to share too many details with her. For one thing, that’s her brother and it would be weird. The other thing, the big other thing, is Beth.