Finding Forever (Living Again #4) (28 page)

Brant’s eyes were moving back and forth, his expression one of incredulous disbelief. “This reminds me of a farm. They’re treating these human beings like they are a bunch of animals.”

“Lacey Russell?” They were interrupted by what was probably the only pretty thing in this room. Lacey’s eyes fell on her tag, which read Dena. Her nurse. She was adorable, a petite woman with short, dark curly hair and big brown eyes. She looked like someone that Lacey would like outside of here. Her smile put Lacey right at ease, and she felt Brant relax next to her also.

“Yes,” Lacey answered.

“Hey hon. I’m Dena, I’ll be your nurse while you’re here for treatment. The doc has you on an every three week regiment, and you’ll come six times. You’ll also be going to the doctor the day after each treatment to get a shot. It’s sort of like a boost, to assist the chemotherapy in killing the cancer cells.” Why was it that Dena explained more to her than her own doctors had?

“You’ll spend quite a bit of time here in this room, so you’ll want to bring things that will help the time pass. If you’ve looked around you see that books, magazines, even some people knit while they’re here. I know it seems strange, but the more you can get your mind off of it, the better.”

She liked her already. Scratch that, she loved her. Dena was just one of those people that was easily relatable, and she was thankful that she had one positive in this whole thing.

“Let me explain what I’m going to do. Unfortunately, I have about half of these patients in here. So, some days it’s harder than others to get to stop and chat with you, but I love to get to know my patients. Today, though, I’m going to sit with you for the first few minutes since it’s your first time. Nervous as hell, right?”

Lacey smiled. “You got that right.”

“And who’s the hottie?” Dena asked, winking at her.

“This is my boyfriend, Brant,” Lacey introduced. Brant smiled thinly and said hi. She knew he was still trying to process this whole thing.

“He’s welcome here for as long as he wants. But it is a long day. You may get to the point where you’re okay here yourself, but by all means, feel free to have him come whenever you want.”

“I’ll be here,” Brant said stiffly. Lacey squeezed his hand, and his eyes met hers. She felt the pain he was feeling, and it made her feel guilt. Brant could be anywhere right now, building his business and living his dreams. Instead, he was sitting in a horrible cell-like place, watching his girlfriend get poisoned. “Don’t,” he whispered just loud enough for her, and she almost laughed. If it was funny at all, she would’ve.

“Okay, I’m going to clean your skin around your port first, then we’re going to flush it to make sure there’s nothing obstructing it. Then, I’m going to hook you up to the IV. When the bag’s empty, you’re all done. Then I’ll unhook you and flush your port out again. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me. I’m going to get your medicine now so we can get started.”

Lacey nodded, watching as she walked out of the room. Brant leaned over and wrapped his arms around her and she breathed him in, wishing she could just go home and make love to Brant, forgetting all this nonsense.

“This is harder than I thought it would be,” Brant admitted. Lacey’s eyes immediately filled with tears. It wasn’t often that Brant said something that could be construed as less than positive. “And before you say it, I wouldn’t be anywhere else. It’s just so hard for me as a man to know that you’re sitting there, about to be hooked up to this awful medicine that will make you so sick in order to save your life. I can’t control it, and I hate it. I want to take this away from you, Lacey. I wish it was me.”

That was it. The dam opened and she began sobbing. Leave it to her boyfriend to say he would rather have cancer, just so she wouldn’t. “How did I ever get so lucky?” she cried, “I don’t wish this on anyone, Brant. This is only the beginning of several very challenging months, but if all works as planned, I’ll be cancer free before too long.”

“Here we go,” Dena said, hooking a clear bag on her IV pole. “You okay, Lacey? As good as you can be, I mean.”

Lacey nodded. “Let’s get this over with.”

Lacey and Brant were both silent as Dena cleaned her skin, then ran some solution through her port. “Okay, I’m hooking it up,” she announced, connecting the IV to her port.

“What’s it going to feel like?”

“You shouldn’t feel anything,” Dena explained. “Try to relax. If you need some juice or a snack, grab me as I run by. We’re short-handed today, so I’m like a chicken with my head cut off. I’ll check on you in a little bit. I know this sucks big time. Just think about the end result.”

Unless the end result is me not being here anymore
, Lacey thought, settling back against the seat. Brant was watching the liquid drip from the IV bag down into the line. She knew that Dena said she couldn’t feel anything, but she swore that she felt every drop going into her veins like it was acid burning through her. She knew it was in her head; there was no way she was feeling it. But it was like her body was screaming
‘What are you doing to me?’
And she had to sit here for four hours of this panic? She concentrated on breathing in and out.

“Want your music?” Brant asked. Lacey nodded, not opening her eyes. She was afraid that if she looked at him, she would rip out the IV and run from the room. Her body was crawling with unease. Moments later, she felt Brant put one ear bud in her ear. She cracked her eyes open and saw him put the other in his. Sam had made her a playlist for treatment, telling her there were some surprises in there for her. That probably meant she wrote some new songs for her. Damn that Super Star best friend, she always knew just what to do.

Brant leaned his head on her right shoulder, caressing her arm as they both listened in silence, trying to forget what they were there for.

Lacey groaned, the effort of moving her leg so excruciating she couldn’t take it. It had been three days since her treatment and then subsequent ‘boost’ shot. Every single thing on her body hurt. She couldn’t eat or drink; everything tasted weird.

She had never been so tired in all of her life. Lacey had thought at first that her symptoms from the treatment were mild. The second day, the day she got the shot, she had just felt strange, like there was something foreign in her body. But after the shot, things had gone downhill quickly. She had been sick all night that night, and then the body aches started.

She had forced Brant to go do something with Evan, so he was having lunch while Aubrey stayed with her. She knew it was hard for Aubrey to see her like this, it being a terrible reminder of their mom, but she wasn’t saying anything about it. Sam had been here every day, despite the fact that she was trying to finish an album in the studio. When Lacey had said that, Sam just waved her away, going on and on about them waiting for
her
now. Lacey loved when Sam’s feisty side came out.

Chloe had come over the first day of her treatment, her trunk full of homemade meals from everyone at the vet’s office. While she hadn’t been able to eat a thing, she thought Brant might’ve wanted to hug her for that.

Her phone dinged and she reached for it, the effort of doing so sending shooting pain through her body.

“Ughhhh…” she moaned. Finally looking at the screen, she saw it was Brooke, Brant’s sister. Both of his sister’s had been texting and calling to check on her, and she was grateful for their kindness.

“Lacey,” Aubrey knocked at the door.

“Come in,” she said.

“How’s it going?”

“Awful,” Lacey admitted. “Every single thing on my body hurts, Aub. Even the blanket on me hurts. My
clothes
even hurt.”

“How about a bath? Remember how much mom…” She broke off, looking wide eyed at Lacey. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” she said. “It feels good to talk about her, to know I’m not alone because she went through this, too. Even though she didn’t survive, I feel like she’s here with me.”

Aubrey sniffled. “I think she is, too. Come on. Let’s get you in the bath and help you feel better.” Lacey accepted her help, grimacing as every step felt like hot coals were burning throughout her body.

“How are you feeling?” Brant asked, tracing her back lightly. She had finished round two of chemo four days ago, and she was once again the throes of the agony that chemotherapy brought. Her numbers had been good, so that was a positive. They had also told her that she was considered to be in partial remission at this point. That didn’t mean a whole lot other than they were headed in the right direction, which made Lacey feel a lot more positive.

“Like I was run over by a Mack truck,” Lacey joked. As much as it hurt her to be pressed up against him, she refused to move. When she was tucked into his arms, she actually felt like she could survive this.

“Tomorrow will be a little better than today,” Brant reminded her. She closed her eyes, remembering the bit of hair that had been on her hand when she was showering earlier. She hadn’t told him. Dena had told her this time during treatment, when Brant had been in the bathroom, that it was usually after the second treatment that some hair could start falling out.

It was November, and Thanksgiving was next week. They had planned for their families and friends to come to their house so that Lacey didn’t have to travel. Brant wasn’t convinced his mom and dad would come, but she thought they would. They were really trying.

Brant smoothed her hair back like he always did. “Your hair is tickling my nose,” he laughed, then the sound died on his lips. She tipped her head back to see why and she saw that he held a clump of her hair in his hand. “I… Lacey. Shit. I’m sorry.”

They both stared at the hair for several seconds until Lacey took it from his hand and put it on her nightstand. Her hair was falling out. Her long, dark hair that she prided herself on, was going to all be gone. She rolled over away from him, tears coursing down her cheeks. He snaked his arm around her, and she felt the wetness soaking through her hair. They both cried themselves to sleep.

Lacey stood at the bathroom mirror, holding the hair that had come out last night in her hand. She ran her other hand through her hair, and more floated to the ground and some stayed in between her fingers.

She whimpered, flinging the hair on the counter in front of her. She stared at her reflection in the mirror. Her skin was insipid, she was losing weight, she had one boob, and now wasn’t going to have hair, either. There was nothing attractive about her anymore.

Before she could stop herself, she leaned down and took the box out from under the counter. She flung it open and plugged it in, her chest heaving. Doing anything took so much energy now. The room spun for a moment as she righted herself, and she gripped the counter to keep from falling over. Brant was still asleep, and she had to have this done before he woke up. There was no damn way that she was going to watch the rest of it fall out.

Lacey pressed power and listened to the buzz of the razor for a moment before she brought it up to her head. She took a deep breath, wondering absently if this was a good idea. Yes, she had to do it. Lacey touched it to the front of her head and started moving back, watching as her hair began falling to the floor. When she got as far back as she could go, she came back to the front, repeating the motion.