Finding Ever After (2 page)

           
“Where do you feel it baby?”

           
“In here.” I answered her raising my hand over my heart.

           
“Exactly Jaxy.
You’ll know when it’s real, and most
importantly you need to remember, that no matter what, you are worthy of that
love. Unfortunately, when I was your age, nobody showed me what it looked like
or made me feel like I deserved to be loved just the way I was and so I settled
for an imitation.” I knew my Mom didn’t have the best relationship with her
parents when they were still alive. I don’t remember ever meeting them. They
died when I was two, and I don’t think they wanted anything to do with me,
which is just fine, because I wouldn’t want anything to do with them if they
were still here.

           
“I don’t ever want you to have
settle
in life. Don’t
be afraid to be who you are and fight for what you believe in and what you
want. If it’s really worth having, it won’t come easy, that’s especially true
of love. It’s easy enough to fall in love, that’s why they call it falling, but
making it last will take time and work. If you do it right though, you’ll only
have to do it once and it will be forever. That’s the kind of love you deserve
Princess.” I hung on her every word as she looked down at me with so much
emotion in her eyes.

“There’s going to be pain and disappointments in life,
but don’t let them break you. Refuse to be confined by sorrow and heartaches
because you have so much to offer the world. Too much to ever be limited or
locked up by fear or doubt, and if you remember that baby girl, and don’t let
this world change you, then you are
gonna
soar
through life with a fire and passion that few are bold enough to embrace.”

           
That day I promised to remember her words and to try and live them out. Seven
weeks later, just three days before my twelfth birthday she was gone, and my
life changed forever and that promise got harder and harder to keep.

           
After four days on the road, seeing
the flash of green out the windshield that proclaimed 150 miles to Boston
brought back the memory of the day I fled Massachusetts. I was filled with the
same nervousness now, that I had felt then.

           
My cell phone buzzed again with a new text. That made five in the last half
hour that I had ignored. I didn’t need to check them. I knew who they were
from. By now
Vi
and Bas would be wondering why I
hadn’t showed up at Josh’s graduation party. I had promised to meet up with
them there after we left the restaurant where Mr. Cross and
Vi’s
parents had treated us to dinner. I had no intention of showing up at that
party. My bags were packed last night and I made sure everything was ready to
go before I left the house this morning for the ceremony. The nervous
anticipation had been building all day. I was terrified of leaving behind
everything I had ever known, but I couldn’t stay here. It was time to keep the
promises I made to my mother as a young girl. I had done a poor job of honoring
them and her memory since I lost her six years ago. It was time for a change, I
couldn‘t keep blaming my father for my misery. Regardless of what he had done,
the truth is I stopped fighting for anything. I did what I promised her I
wouldn’t. I let him and Connor rip away the pieces of me that were left until I
didn’t even recognize the girl in the mirror. The eyes that stared back at me
resembled a much colder pair that I had become very familiar with since I was
forced to go live with him after Mom was gone.

           
Realizing I was turning into him, that I was becoming just as cold and distant
as he was, crushed me, but it was what happened after, what Connor did that
finally pushed me over the edge. I knew I had to get out and get as far away as
possible. I wasn’t safe here. I spent the last four months planning my departure.
I hadn’t told anyone of my intentions, not even Bas. He wouldn’t understand
,
he would try to talk me into staying. He was still
counting on us living in the same dorm at Boston U, we’d been talking about
going there since freshman year. Bas knew what he
wanted,
he was going to be a brilliant doctor just like his dad. Problem was I didn’t
know what I wanted anymore, but I knew I wouldn’t find it here.

           
I dropped my cell phone on the bed; I wouldn’t
be needing
it anymore. I pushed away the guilt of abandoning the friends who had always
been there for me, and I grabbed my bags. I knew I had people here who loved
me, but I just couldn’t stay for them. I shut my bedroom door behind me and
hurriedly made my way down the stairs before my half siblings or one of my
father’s thugs noticed I was leaving with all of my possessions in tow.
Thankfully there was no one around to witness my hasty exit and I would be long
gone before any one of them realized it. I didn’t even hesitate as I threw my
car into drive and put that place in my rearview; I wouldn’t miss anything or
anyone in that house, it was never home.

           
It was almost exactly three years ago that I escaped my father‘s house that
June, without so much as a goodbye or even a letter to anyone explaining why I
left or where I was going. When I left I wasn’t sure how long it would be
before I would return home, and now that I was so close, I didn’t know what
awaited me there, but I was finally ready to face it. I hoped.

           
I had been so sure that I needed to go home after the surprise visit I received
last month that had rocked me to my core and changed my perspective on so much
I thought I knew about my family. Now I
was doubting
myself again. I just had to remember everything he’d shared with me, all the
reasons it was time to go back.

           
The miles ticked away quickly as my faithful Subaru traveled along I-90. The
closer I got to my past, the more a mixed sense of excitement and dread built
inside me. I left Oregon four days ago, and the trip East had seemed to go by
at a crawling pace. Now, so near the end, it felt like the miles passed in
seconds and it was no time at all before I was turning down the familiar suburb
streets of Needham, just outside of Boston. It was just after seven, and
twilight was settling in the sky, when I pulled into the driveway of the place
that housed all of my childhood hopes and dreams as well as the immense grief
for my loss. I had avoided confronting all of it for such a long time. I
started running from things well before three years ago.

           
The house belonged to me. Mom had made sure nobody would be able to sell it or
do anything with it until I was old enough to decide for myself what I wanted.
I hadn’t been back inside since her funeral. After she passed I stayed next
door, but the day of the service, I was so lost and scared, I just needed her
comfort. I thought I would be able to feel her there, in that place we shared
so many wonderful memories. So I went back in, but she wasn’t there. I didn’t
feel anything but alone. I was just a kid and all I understood was that my life
had been turned upside down. After that I couldn’t bring myself to face the
emptiness of the place that used to be filled with so much warmth and love.

I still wasn’t sure if I was ready to relive the
memories that I knew would assault me the moment I stepped through the front
door. Just seeing it from the outside triggered such an intense wave of
emotions that I couldn’t bring myself to get out of the car. I sat there,
staring at the house, trying to build up courage when a tap at my window
startled me out of my thoughts and I let out a high pitched-squeal. As I turned
to face the stranger, my surprise increased at the sound of a voice that was
actually very familiar to me. I had wondered if Mr. Cross still lived next door
or had moved away.

           
“Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you, but I live next door and saw you pull up. I
noticed you were just sitting out here, is there something I can help you
with?” I could tell he hadn’t recognized me yet, even as I rolled down the
window and looked up at him. I couldn’t bring myself to respond so I just
removed my sunglasses and stared at him. I saw the moment recognition flashed
in his eyes and he gasped.

           
“Jaxyn?”
I just nodded, still unable to speak. “I’m
sorry, I didn’t recognize you, with the hair and all
and
. . . you just look so different.” He seemed to be having a hard time accepting
that I really was sitting here in front of him. I finally managed to open the
door and step out. I wasn’t prepared to be pulled into a hug the moment my feet
hit the cement and I stumbled into him. He squeezed so tightly I couldn‘t
breathe.

           
“I’ve missed you so much sweetheart. We all have, especially. . .” He trailed
off,
the hurt on his face was obvious. I knew who he was
referring to. “I just can’t believe you’re back, but I‘m so happy you are.”

           
It took everything I had to hold back the waterworks. This was home. Not the
overstated mansion I ran away from, not the different apartments in any of the
four cities I had lived in since, but this right here; being held like a small
child by the man who is more my father than the guy I share DNA with. At that
moment the weight of just how much I had missed this feeling hit me and I had
to step out of his embrace before I turned in to a blubbering mess. His arms
remained outstretched with his hand on my shoulders while he looked down at me
with a million questions burning in his eyes.

           
“Did you just get back? Are you staying? Where have you been? Why did you leave
without telling anyone, were you in trouble?” I had anticipated being bombarded
with those same questions and more, but I was too overwhelmed to get into it
now. He seemed to understand the state I was in and didn’t push even though I
knew he was dying to have answers.

           
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to jump into an interrogation,
it’s
just that it’s been three years." There was so much sadness in his
eyes."You’re like a daughter to me, and it was so hard not knowing if you
were alright.” I was swamped with guilt, imagining the worry he must have felt.

           
“You probably want some time to process being here. It looks like you’ve got
all your stuff packed up in
you
car, I’m guessing
that means you’re staying here at least temporarily. Do you want help carrying
everything inside? I promise I’ll let you settle in before I start back up with
the inquiry.”

           
“Sure, that would be great. Thanks.” I knew he was hoping for more of an
explanation, at the very least about the length of my stay, but I wasn‘t ready.
When he realized he wasn’t going to get anything more from me, he began
unloading the boxes and bags that were piled in the back of the
Subie
. I grabbed my large duffel and felt for the familiar
old key that still hung from my ring.

           
I took a deep breath and made my way to the porch, halting in front of the door
as I steeled myself for the rush of memories and emotions I knew were coming as
soon as I turned the key in that lock. Mr. Cross had followed close behind and
sensing my apprehension, didn’t say a word, giving me the time to pull myself
together.

           
It was exactly as I remembered it, the furniture, the carpet,
the
pictures. Everything was exactly how I had left it the
last time I set foot in here. I was expecting dust everywhere, sheets and the
inevitable musty smell that comes with leaving a house unoccupied for such a
length of time. I was stunned to find none of that. It still looked lived in,
as if just yesterday Mom had vacuumed and tidied up, and the fresh clean scent
that assaulted me was left by her having just done laundry.

           
I knew all of that to be impossible, but nevertheless, for a split second I
felt the hope and warmth rise up within me, only to be replaced a moment later
by an ache so deep in my soul I knew that no matter how much time passed, it
would always be a part of me. Even so, time had allowed me to heal to the point
that it no longer had the ability to cripple me. I’d always miss her, I’d feel
that loss every day for the rest of my life, but I wouldn’t let it define me.
It was Mr. Cross’ voice that snapped me out of my reverie.

“We still had the spare key and Sebastian didn’t want
it to be neglected, he said you’d come back, and when you did he wanted it to
be ready for you. We had a cleaning company come in once a month to keep the
cobwebs at bay and air everything out. I think they were here today.” It
explained the lack of dust and the fresh laundry smell. It was just like Bas to
make sure everything was ready for me to come home even though he didn’t know
when that would be. “Where do you want me to put this stuff?”

           
“You can just stack them there.” I told him gesturing toward the wall
separating the entryway from the living room. “I’ll sort through it later and
figure out where I want everything.” He just nodded and set the boxes down,
returning to the car to haul in the remaining ones.

           
Even though all of my belongings were loaded into the Forrester, it still
wasn’t much and only took minutes for the two of us to pack everything into the
house. After we had everything inside, there was a brief period of awkward
silence, neither one of us knowing what to say next.

           
I knew that he would be the one to break it. I could see a question building
behind his expression, and I knew exactly what it was he was going to ask, and
I knew he wouldn’t leave without an answer no matter how much time he had
promised me to get settled in.

           
“Does Bas know you’re back?”

           
“No.”

           
“Yeah, I figured. If he did, he’d be here right now. We both missed you
something fierce kiddo, but it devastated him when you left. I know there was
never anything romantic between you too, but he loved you more than anyone,
still does
.“
It was true, as much as I loved Bas, he
would always just be the brother I wished for, and he thought of me as a
sister, but we had been inseparable until I left.

           
“Was it really that bad?”

           
“Do you really have to ask?” He was trying to make me feel guilty, but my eyes
dropped to the floor anyway. I couldn’t bear to see how much hurt I had caused,
and it was all there on his face.

           
“No, I guess not. I just hoped that maybe he would understand. I needed to go.”

           
“How could anyone understand when you left without an explanation or even a
goodbye.
”

           
“I know, and I’m sorry. I realize it was difficult-” He cut me off before I
could finish.

           
“I don’t think you do realize just how difficult it was for any of us when you
just up and disappeared, especially Sebastian. For days we worried something
awful had happened to you. When you didn’t show up at that party, Bas and
Violette
thought you might have crashed in ditch somewhere.
When that wasn’t the case we spent a week panicking and thinking that maybe
Connor . . .” He couldn’t bring himself to say it, but it was clear he
remembered the night Bas brought me to him just as well as I did. “Once they
finally bothered to let us know that you had in fact, just packed up your stuff
and left, Sebastian wanted to try and track you down so he could go after you.
Chris and I had to talk him out of it more than once.” I didn’t even know what
to say. I had known they would worry, but it never even crossed my mind how
deeply, or what they might think happened. I still couldn’t regret going the
way I did.