Finding Cait (19 page)

Chapter 52

Cait

    
Matt and I stand there for a minute not sure who should grab the box but after
some time he takes it and hands it to me.  “You hold it while I
drive.”  I agree and we leave the cold office for the warmth of his
truck. 

    
On the way back to the house, we watch as a group of young kids ride their
bikes past us on the path to the beach.  Matt, Court and I had been on
that road so many times together, racing to see who could submerge their body
in the crisp ocean water first.  I look at Matt and his smile is back, the
one that reaches his eyes and makes me melt.  When he catches me looking
we both laugh and start talking about those trips to the beach together. 
This town has started feeling like home again.  The place that I once fled
is now calling me back. 

    
When we pull into the driveway it is about ten minutes to eleven but Candy is
waiting for us on the porch.  She smiles when she sees us talking with
each other and not distraught the way we had been when she had last seen
us.  We walk into the house, and Matt and I sit by each other on the couch
and Candy takes a seat in the chair across from us.

    
She looks much younger now as she wears jeans and a t-shirt instead of her
scrubs.  The locket still hangs from her neck and her hair is swept up
into a ponytail. I try not to think about how hard this must be for her to be
back in this house but the thoughts come flooding in.  It is her job to
ease people into death but I am sure it comes at a heavy cost to her
soul. 

  
Candy opens her purse and removes a small letter from the front pouch. 
She hesitates for a minute,
then
looks up to Matt and
me as we wait on the couch for her to explain what has brought her here.

    
“I am so glad I timed this right,” she says, relief evident on her face. 
“Courtney told me that she needed you both to have this.  I tried to tell
her that she should give it to you herself, but she said you would not be ready
for it until her ashes were ready.  She said there was some stuff you
would have to work out on your own.  I have been holding this letter for
her and now I am going to give it to you, keeping my word on the last promise I
made to her.”  With that she hands Matt a hand written letter from Court
and stands and walks herself to the door.  Before she leaves she looks
back to us, sitting together staring at the folded letter.  “I was so happy
to see you together today. She told me I wasn’t to give you it if one of you
had left the other.”  The tears form in her eyes and she opens the door
and walks out of our lives. 

    
Matt and I sit on the couch as he rubs his finger across the letter, both of us
not looking at each other.  “Now?” he asks as he looks up to me.  I
nod my head yes and put my arm around his shoulder to help support him as he
reads the letter I know I could never make it through myself. 

Dear Matt and
Cait,

    
If you are reading this then you have stayed together through my death, a wish
that I have had since the day I was diagnosed.  I love you both so much
and know that alone my death would break you but together you will both
survive.  I have held your secrets for many years and even in my last days
you would each come to me and I would watch you struggle with the love you have
for each other knowing that you would have to make your own decisions. I hoped
in my heart that in the end you would finally find each other.  You spoke
to me in confidence, but I refuse to let some secrets die with me.

    
When I was diagnosed my doctor made me go to these stupid meetings, you know,
the kind where we all go around in a circle crying about what we would miss
when we died.  Other than the two of you, I had nothing to share.  I
sat there listening to young women crying about not getting married, or having
kids and I tried to connect but I couldn’t.  I sat there with all of your
secrets thinking that what I was going to miss was the chance to watch you two
find each other.  I would miss the day that you stopped over thinking
I
,t
Cait, and just accepted that
you are lovable and someone other than Elliot could love you.  I would
miss the day that you stopped running from the emptiness, Matt, and instead
fought for what you loved, who you loved. 

    
When the circle came around to me I just looked at all the crying faces and
smiled, knowing that my time was done but yours was not.  I grabbed my
purse and left, calling you both when I got home.  It is never going to be
easy, no one ever promises that, but you have to try.  If you cannot do it
for yourselves then do it for me.  Do me one last favor tonight before you
scatter my ashes, please jump into that water and stare up at the sky and feel
me with you, embracing you.  Cait,
don’t ever stop
diving in to that water and Matt
,
don’t ever stop
finding Cait
.  Sometimes life is like the Dead
Sea,
the only way the two of you will survive is by finding each other.  I love
you both and no matter how it all ends, remember you promised you would call
each other on Christmas.

Yours always,

Courtney

    
I still don’t know how Matt makes it through that letter.  We sit sobbing
together, knowing she was right and thinking about what it must have been like
for her to hear us both struggle and keep our secrets.  Matt wraps his
arms around me and we stay embraced until we both stop crying. 

    
“Christmas,” Matt says and we both laugh through our tears, one of my favorite
emotions.  Even in the end she had kept her humor, binding us to the
happiest holiday for the rest of our lives. 

    
“Christmas,” I laugh.  We wipe our eyes and Matt takes my hand. 

    
We have been sitting on the couch for a couple of hours, talking about the
years that have passed since we saw each other before Court’s cancer.  He
tells me about all the places he has been and how many calls he had made to his
sister, needing to hear that I was okay and he was making the right choice to
stay away.  He tells me she would give an update and then quickly weigh in
with some comment about how he was wasting time letting me get more tangled up
with Elliot. 

    
Between his stories of war and calls to Court I share my calls to her
too.  The times that I called heartsick over something new, asking her if
this was all there really was to life.  She used to tell me that I should
move back here and spend some time in the garage, which at the time did not
make any sense but seems pretty clear now.  I had always thought she was
just extending me a place to stay but now I know it wasn’t the place she was
referring to, it was the company.

    
As I sit with Matt on the couch I realize that my suicide would devastate him
whether my body was found or not.  I know what Court was asking in that
letter and I can’t deny my dying friend her final wish.  When I first came
here the thought of dying seemed peaceful and uncomplicated, but now that I
loved Matt it seemed sad and so final.  Choosing to end my life would be a
choice to abandon our game and never let Matt find me again, a reality I know
he can’t live with.

    
I choose life.  If Court could face her death with the grace of a woman
then I could face my life with that grace as well.  My mind wanders back
to our discussion about the toxic sea the night before my wedding.  Many
creatures cannot survive that toxic environment because they didn’t know the
secret to surviving it, but I know the secret.  Don’t panic, dive head
first into the water breaking in front of you without fear, don’t take in anything
toxic but instead fill your lungs with clean air and when you can’t hold on any
longer, breach the surface and relax.  Most importantly, float on top with
the water embracing you and wait for your love to come find you.

    
“I have an idea,” Matt says and I can hear the hope in his voice.  “Come
with me to the garage, I want to see if they are still in there.”

    
“If what are still in there?” I ask very curious as to what he might be looking
for.  He grabs my hand and leads me to the garage.  As we open the
door and enter I am reminded of the night that we spent there and feel the love
I have for him filling my heart.

    
“There they are!” and I look to where he is pointing.  Three dusty bikes
rest against the side of the garage.  “I knew she would keep them.” 
We make our way to the bikes and dust off the seats.  “Let’s ride them
down to the beach tonight.”  I can see the hope in his eyes and also the
happiness. 

    
“Yes, it would be perfect.”  Matt fills the tires with
airt
and then we go inside and pack a few beers into a small cooler as the sun
begins to fall from the sky.  Being in the house with Matt feels
peaceful.  My soul is at ease with him here and I finally feel like I
might actually be able to eat something. We each open a beer as we stand in the
kitchen. Matt’s facial features seem softer as we chat about Court.
  

    
Being in the kitchen with her ashes is like our own little service. As we sip
on our beers, I share that I will always remember her bravery during her death
and the way she had welcomed me so lovingly into her life.  The sound of
her voice will be missed greatly and the touch of her hands will stay with me
forever. 
I loved her
,
I still
love her
.

    
Matt will miss his phone calls with her, the way she described what was happening
in the neighborhood.  He will miss her humor and sarcasm but mostly he
will miss being loved by her.  Just as we had said goodbye to his parents
all of those years ago, we stand in her house saying goodbye to her. 
Nothing pretentious, just two people who loved her and will never forget what
she means to them.

    
Matt and I pack the box that holds her ashes and head outside to the
garage.  The smell of summer floats through the air and I am taken back to
when we were kids again.  This is the perfect evening for a bike ride and
I can’t wait to feel the sand beneath my feet when we reach the shore.  I
find my old bike against the wall and dust the seat off, taking a moment to
commit it to my memory. 

    
Finally, I climb onto it as Matt sits on his bike waiting for me to join him at
the end of the driveway.  I run my hand over the seat that Court used to
sit on and look down to Matt.  He smiles and nods to me, saying without
words that we will both miss her.  I kick up the kickstand and glide down
to the edge of the driveway, stopping next to Matt to give him one more kiss
before we start our trip to the beach.  I think to myself that if I could
have had just a few days like this in my life recently, I would have never
considered ending it.  A chill runs down my body when I think of how
resolved I had been and what a big mistake it would have been to not give life
a chance.  When Matt sees the shiver he wraps his arm around me, pulls me
into his chest and kisses my head.  We start off on the way to our last
goodbye.

    
Life is going on all around us and we take turns racing each other. We stop at
a small sandwich shop and pack them in the small cooler.    We
reach the lot at the beach and park our bikes.  We head down to the shore
with our cooler and the small dark box.  The sun is just setting and the
beach is empty just as Court had wanted. We decide to have one last dinner with
her, laughing about old bonfires as we eat our sandwiches and wash them down
with a cold beer.  When the food is gone we know it is time and we carry
the box down to the water. 

    
Matt stands behind me with his hands on my shoulders and waits as I open the
box uncovering the small plastic bag inside that holds the ashes of a person
that had meant so much to both of us.  I open the bag and the wind begins
to scatter her ashes along the shoreline and into the crashing waves.  We
watch as the ocean carries her away from us, knowing it can never take her from
our hearts.

    
When the sun has set and the darkness blankets the shore,
Matt
steps back and takes
his shirt off.  I smile knowing that we now
have one more promise to fulfill and that it would be my favorite to
keep.  In moments we are running towards the water, diving under the waves
that crash above us.  I am alone with my thoughts as I dive deep and then
lunge to the surface when my lungs beg for air.  As I always had in the
past, I let my body float on the surface, my ears submerged in the water,
stilling my breath so I won’t be found. 

    
I stare up at the beautiful sky lit up with stars and then close my eyes
imagining the force I feel press against my body is the embrace that Court had
promised me.  When I open my eyes again I hear the water break beside
me and Matt
grabs my hand.

“I love you,
Cait.”

“I love you too.”

Epilogue

 
Cait

    
It is a beautiful day as the wind whips lightly down the shoreline.  I
watch as the large ship enters the harbor as filling my body with
excitement.  Looking away from the ships for a minute, I see her waving to
them, laughing and pointing as her little feet twirl when she spins in circles
as excited as I am.  Her beautiful hair hangs by her face and I reach down
to tuck a strand behind her little ear. 

    
Matt and I had returned to the house after saying goodbye to Court and had promised
we would try.  He had moved the date that he was to ship out so that we
could pack up some of Court’s things and call the woman from chemo to come take
her car.  I made the decision that I would never go back to my old house
I’d had with Elliot and instead Matt had talked me into staying in Court’s,
telling me he couldn’t imagine letting it go and that home was now wherever I
was. 

    
I had felt sick for a while after her death and thought maybe I was just truly
heartsick and that my stomach couldn’t handle the stress of the weeks
before.  The doctor had run some tests and sent me home with a few
prescriptions but later called me with the news that I was pregnant.  Matt
had been over the moon with the news and promised me he would do what he could
to relocate closer and perhaps change his job so he would be away less. 

    
As I search the ship that has now come close, I look for Matt on the deck
knowing what he has given up for us.  This will have been his last
deployment and it has been hard on all of us.  “Daddy, Daddy!” she shouts
when she sees him standing on the deck.  I reach down and take her hand,
touching the small cross that still hangs from my neck with my other
hand.  It is the only piece of jewelry of mine I kept when Matt had put a
ring on my finger, both of us knowing what it means to me. 

    
At the time we got the news of my pregnancy we had only spent that one night
together before Court had passed. I guess I had been wrong all these years and
sometimes clichés do work out in my favor.

   
“There he is Courtney, there
is Daddy.”