Finding Cait (13 page)

    
I move over close to him as we drive back to Court’s.  He has his hand on
my thigh and I am leaning my head on his shoulder.  I know I am not a
teenager anymore but I start thinking that this is what it must have felt like
to have Matt take you home.  To want him so bad and to know he was yours
if only for the night.  When we get home Candy’s car is still there. 
Looking at the clock I tell Matt, “She isn’t due for another dose for an
hour.” 

    
We sit outside in the truck for a second, both of us knowing that it would be
the longest hour of our lives if we went in now and waited for Candy to leave.

Chapter 33

Matt

    
Candy is still here with Court and I really need to continue what Cait and I
started at the beach.  If we wait for her to leave the anticipation will
kill both of us.  I have waited long enough for this moment and I will not
let anything stop us.  To wait for Candy to leave means that Cait will
have time to change her mind and I know I can’t survive another rejection
especially right now when I want her more than I ever have. 

    
Being down at the beach with her was like being young again.  I can’t stop
remembering the night we shared alone down there so long ago.  I won’t
miss this second chance I have been given to take her to my room after our
little game in the ocean.  I’m tired of thinking of the consequences and
right now my body is telling me to take her so that is what I am going to do.

    
Earlier at the beach I finally confessed to loving her all of these years and I
think her resolve to keep me away is breaking.  I can’t keep pushing her
up against things like a
teenager,
I need to have her
underneath me in a quiet place where I can watch her as we touch.  If that
car had not drove past us I am sure we would have never made it back here right
now and instead we would have been impulsive and found our way to my back
seat.  I can’t help myself when I am around her.  Her body
intoxicates me and my need to feel her out weighs any other thought.

    
Keeping my hand on just her thigh on the way here had been nearly
impossible.  When she leaned her head on my shoulder I wanted to pull over
and kiss here right then but the reward I would get for making it all the way
home had helped me keep my hands and mouth to myself.  I have done the
math fast in my head and I know that we have at least an hour before Candy leaves
and I know he perfect place to take Cait.  Finally I am going to get to
take her to my room, through the garage like I had always fantasized about and
lay her down on my bed.  No talking myself out of it, no being the nice
guy, tonight I am going to take her and tomorrow I will worry about the
consequences.  From the sound of her heavy breaths and the way she touched
me at the beach, I know she will not stop me.  It is now or never and I
can’t live with never
.

Chapter 34

Cait

    
Matt grabs my hand and smiles as he says, “Come here, I have an idea.”  I
follow him out of the truck and we quietly walk up the
drive
way
.  Instead of turning to the front porch we pass it and head for
the garage.  When I realize where we are headed I smile
to
myself and my heart races faster
. I look up behind me, almost expecting
to find the younger me staring out the window at us. 

    
I could have never imagined what it would feel like to be wanted so badly by
Matt.  The warmth of his hand holding mine was already sending electricity
through my body, but being lead to the place I have fantasized about for so
long is making it impossible to think straight.  For years I have been
responsible, always making the best decision after thinking it through. 
Tonight I am being reckless, going with pure desire over any rational
thought.  As we near the garage I am alive with anticipation.

    
He opens the small door that leads to the garage and we enter into the
darkness.  Matt shuts the door behind us and turns on the small light
above us.  We make our way to the back of the garage to the small door
that leads to where the extra bedroom is.  When we enter the room it is
just like I remembered it when I left.  Matt starts to kiss me again and I
close my eyes allowing myself to live in this moment. 

    
Matt’s hands are pulling me towards him, insisting that our bodies are as
one.  My hands grab onto him and I feel the warmth of his body against
me.  We are holding onto each other with such intensity as if we know that
if we let go we might lose each other again.

    
 Kissing Matt is more amazing than I had ever thought it could be. 
Sliding his hand up behind my head, lacing his fingers through my hair he pulls
my mouth closer to his as the intensity of our kiss climbs.  Matt’s other
hand is exploring my body, caressing every part that I feel calling to him. His
lips leave mine long enough to taste my neck, my chest rises instinctually with
the pleasure his touch is providing.

    
Matt scoops me up and carries me over to the bed, laying me down and then
laying down beside me.  Our hands haven’t left each other since we entered
the room and now he stops and studies my body as he finds the hem of my dress
and begins pushing it up as his hand floats up my thigh.  I want to feel
his skin against mine and I begin pulling his shirt up, stopping for a second
when I reached his arms.  Matt leans back and allows me to remove his
shirt entirely. Quickly, he returns to my thighs tracing the insides with is
thumb as he slowly lifts my dress.  When my dress is as high as he can
push it, I raise my hips so that he can pull it up around my waist, and then
sit up so he can remove it completely. 

    
His hand finds its way to me again, sliding from my breast along my side and down
to my waist.  Matt looks down when my hands find the button on his jeans,
I can see the need he has for me in his eyes as they stare into mine begging I
release him.  He touches the side of my face as I unbutton and then unzip
his pants.  His lips move to my ear lobe and then he whispers my name as I
hook my fingers into the top of his pants and his wet boxers and begin to pull
them down. 

    
Closing my eyes I tilt my head back inviting him to kiss my neck again,
something I could definitely get used to. Matt helps me to remove his pants and
boxers,
then
is back to my lips allowing his hand to
find the lace on my bra.  He traces the lace with his finger and I worry I
will completely unravel beneath his touch.  His kisses fall softer now as
he works his way down from my neck to my breasts and I rest my hands on his
biceps as he sends shivers through my body.  Just when I can’t take it any
more he slides his hand behind my back and unclasps my bra, removing it
entirely with ease. 

    
Matt takes my lip into his mouth and lightly sucks before opening his mouth and
inviting my tongue in.  I can’t get enough of this man and I pull him as
close to me as possible, feeling my bare skin on his.  His hand finds it’s
way down to the top of my panties directly below my navel.  Placing a
finger just under the lace he traces it across my stomach, stopping at my hip
to begin puling them off.  I lift my hips again to help him slip them down
my legs and then there is nothing left separating us from each other.

    
Matt puts his legs
between mine and reaches behind him to
pull the covers up over both of us
.  His hand slides down the side
of my left leg and pauses just above the back of my knee and pulls my leg up,
allowing himself to get closer to me.  Anticipating his next move I pull
my other leg up as he positions himself on top of me.  Never have I wanted
a man as much as I want him.

    
Holding himself up on his elbows on either side of my head he pushes the hair
that covers my face back behind my ears and looks down into my eyes.  I
feel I owe it to him to be honest and while I cannot bring myself to tell him
the whole truth, that I love him and need him, I want to let him know where I
stand so he has the chance to stop before he can’t turn back. 

    
“Matt, this isn’t a promise of forever,” I say as I look into his eyes.

    
“It never is.” He replies, taking my hands in his, interlacing our fingers
above my head. “I love you Cait, always have,
always
will.  I will take what I can get.”  I nod my head knowing he is aware
of what I can offer and then tilt my chin up to press my lips against his.
While the need is still intense, the mood has switched from desperate ravishing
to deep love and tenderness. 

    
Matt makes love to me tenderly, never letting go of my hands.  He wraps my
body in his and lies beside me, pulling me close to him.  He laces his
fingers through mine again and we lay there in the silence knowing what we just
did could not be undone.

Chapter 35

Matt

    
No turning back now.  I am madly in love with her and tonight
has
shown me that I was right to have always waited for
her.  She can deny that she loves me but I saw it in her eyes tonight
first the desire and pure need, then the love.  I could easily see myself
becoming addicted to that connection with her, needing more of it the more she
gives me.  The want for her is insatiable.  I thought that finally
sleeping with her would put an end to that relentless need but I now know that
it only fueled the fire and I can’t wait to do it again.

    
The look in Cait’s eyes when I passed the house, leading her to my room was
indescribable.  Her playful smile had turned into a seductive grin and my
body had reacted right there in the driveway.  I had thought about leading
her to my room so many times, but the actual experience of taking her to my
room has far exceeded any thing I could have dreamt up. 

    
Cait giving into me, feeling her hands discover every inch of my body was
incredible.  Her touch excited me more than any other girl has ever
excited me and the struggle to keep things slow was a hard one because I wanted
her so badly.  The taste of Cait’s skin on my tongue and softness of her
skin beneath my fingers stole my breath, increasing the hunger I feel for her.

Chapter 36

Cait

    
Matt and I listen as the front door opens and the screen squeaks as
Candy
leaves.  Four hours left before Court’s next
dose.  We spend that time wrapped up together filling in the details we
have been missing in each
others
lives.  I share
stories of my practice, patience I have helped and those who could not be
helped.  Matt tells me about his time overseas, the near misses with death
and the people he had befriended.  In between our stories we find
ourselves kissing again, growing closer as each minute passes. 

    
When it gets near to the time that Court will need her next dose of morphine we
get dressed and slowly make our way back up to the house.  I know as we
leave his room behind the garage that I have failed to protect him from my
inevitable death.  I had wished my suicide would be a clean break, free
from worry that it would hurt the living, but now I know he will be a casualty
of my death. For now, our feet are both lighter with the heaviness of the loss
left in the ocean for the night. 

    
Matt heads to the shower and I enter Court’s room to give her the
morphine.  She wakes as I open the door and smiles when she see’s who is
entering. 

    
“How was tonight?” She asks softly, worried about us like I knew she would be.

    
“It was wonderful,” I say as I load up the dropper.  When I place it in
front of her lips she shakes her head no and then pats the bed next to her
asking me to sit beside her.  I wonder if she is not in pain for a moment
but I can see that she is so I quickly sit down
beside
her hoping she will allow me to give her the morphine so she doesn’t have to
suffer. 

    
“We need to talk,” she says softly “I am sorry I never told you about how Matt
felt.”  She looks at me with tears in her eyes. “When you married Elliot
he made me swear I would never tell you; he didn’t think Elliot deserved you
but he knew you loved him and he liked seeing you happy.” 

    
“I am not mad Court. Matt told me about your calls tonight.  I know that
you would have told me if the right time had ever come.  If I wasn’t with
Elliot I was grieving Elliot and that was true up until a few days ago.  I
know why you brought us here now.”

    
Court nods her head and then motions to the morphine in my hand.  I put
the dropper in her mouth and she struggles to swallow it.  She keeps her
eyes closed for a few moments, waiting for the morphine to subdue some of the
pain that must be wracking her body.  I watch helplessly, willing it to
work quickly.

    
“Court, I love you.  I don’t want to live my life without you and I am
scared to be here alone.  Tonight Matt and I went down to your spot and
while I was out there floating in the ocean in the dark night with the stars
reaching across the sky above me I let you go.  I can’t ask that you stay
here any longer for my benefit.  It is going to kill me when you pass, but
I have let you go when you are ready.”

    
“I need to know if you love him Cait, do you?”  I freeze at the question
knowing that I can’t lie to her but the truth could make things so much
harder.  I wonder if I will have time to explain my answer or if she will
drift off again before I let her know it doesn’t matter.  In the end I
decide to keep it simple knowing she just wants him to be happy.

    
“Yes,” I whisper just before our window of clarity passes and happy tears fall
down her face.  She reaches up and touches my cheek with her hand for a
moment, then rests her hand on mine.  Court falls asleep as I rub her
forehead.

    
Matt is on the couch when I leave Court’s room and I make my way down the hall
to the shower.  The hot water rinses away the smell of the ocean and I
don’t feel like crying for the first time in days.  When I get out I put
on my pajamas and make my way out to the couch.  Matt is asleep and his
face grimaces as I enter the room so I rush to the couch in an effort to wake
him before the dream gets worse.