Finding Cait (11 page)

Chapter 27

Matt

    
As the taxi pulls up to the house, Sandra is all over me and she is the kind of
woman I know how to be around.  I open my door and hand the driver money
as Sandra wiggles out of the taxi.  The driver is not looking at me so I
turn around to see what he was looking at and I see Cait in the doorway with
Elliot standing there in front of her, a look of pain etched on her face that
forces the air from my lungs.

    
I move Sandra behind me as we step onto the porch, “is everything ok?”

    
“Yes Matt, Elliot was just leaving.”  Cait looks to me and I know that it
is more a request than a fact.  Elliot is now standing in front of her
just outside the door and he smirks as he puts his hands into his pockets and
leans back onto his heels. 

    
“Yes, I was just leaving.  You finally got what you have always
wanted.”  Elliot looks me in the eyes and the words cut sharply from his
mouth.

    
I step aside and motion for him to leave but just before he is off the porch
completely he turns around to Cait and says, “She says she is pregnant
Cait.  I need to keep the house.”

    
“Oh Elliot
..
” Cait bends over with one hand across her
stomach.  I cannot tolerate watching him hurt her so deeply.  Before
I can even think it through I am connecting my fist with his face and throwing
him from the porch.  I position myself on top of him as I let go of all
the pent up anger I have held for this unworthy ass.  I look up for a
second when I hear a little scream and I can see Sandra shaking her head and
turning back to the taxi.  She is gone before I even look to Cait. 
Cait is standing in the doorway with her hand over her mouth, her eyes are
pleading with me to stop so I do.

    
I am welcoming the adrenaline that is now pumping through my body and it
awakens me to the mistake I would have just made if Elliot had not been
here.  I almost fucked it up again, taking Sandra to my room and
increasing the space between Cait and me further than could ever be recovered
in this lifetime.

Chapter 28

Cait

    
Matt gets off of Elliot and starts shaking out his fist.  Elliot gets up
to his feet and spits out blood from his mouth as more runs out of his
obviously broken nose.  “I deserved that, take care of her.” Elliot leaves
the porch and gets into his car.  I realize I am shaking and try to steady
my hands as Matt turned to me. 

“I am sorry, I
should have been here,” he says.  I can hear the pain in his voice but I
can’t respond.  I just stand there as the tears began to flow again. 
He wraps his arms around me and begins to rock.  He kisses the top of my
head and whispers, “It’s okay now,” then rests his chin on my head and tightens
his grip on me. 

    
“I’m so sorry,” is all I can say before the sobs take over.  I close my
eyes and nuzzle my head into his chest.  “I am so sorry she left.”

    
“Sandra? Please Cait, I kept telling her it wouldn’t work but she kept
insisting.  I have had too much to drink and I was about to make a big
mistake.  I should thank you for stopping me.”

    
The thought of him holding her stabs deep in my chest and I feel guilty that I
am happy I interrupted her plans.  As I cry into his shirt he tucks the
hair that has fallen from my ponytail behind my ear.  I feel the warmth
from his body enveloping
me and the weight of what just took
place
is lifted.  He must feel it too because he stops rocking me
and tucks more hair behind my ear but leaves his hands on my cheeks as he looks
into my eyes.

    
The pull between us is intense and my heart is pounding so fast I feel like I
might faint.  I put my hands on his and I feel him release a breath. 
He breaks our stare to kiss my forehead and when I don’t fight it he slides his
face down to mine and looks into my eyes as if he is asking for
permission.  I know he must feel my heart pounding now and if he wasn’t
steadying my head with his hands I would not be able to stand on my wobbly
knees.  My breathing is heavy now and I can hear that his is also.  I
feel a desire inside me that I have not felt in years and I ache to have him
kiss me.  He closes his eyes and rests our heads together as if he is
weighing the decision he is about to make.

    
Just when I think he has decided to stop he glares into my eyes with such
intensity that I flush under his hands.  His thumbs move slowly across my
cheeks as he clears the last of my tears.  He keeps his eyes open, looking
to mine as he presses his lips to mine.  I can taste his lips and my body
reacts, melting under his touch and building in desire to kiss him back. 
I open my lips slightly to invite him in and he meets my tongue with his. 

    
I drop my hands to feel his back and when I find it he stops for a second to
catch his breath but then pushes me back against the door.  I can feel his
weight against my body and I tremble under his touch.  My hands explore
him as he moves his lips to my neck.  I can feel his hands on my hips as
he pulls me closer to him.  One hand slips to my backside and then slowly
down to my thigh.  I am completely unraveling at his touch and when he
hooks his hand behind my thigh I instinctively part my legs and wrap one around
his waist.  Then he stops suddenly, releasing my leg and rests his face
against mine.

Chapter 29

Matt

    
There is no describing what just happened.  I couldn’t help myself and I
had to feel her body against mine.  As her hands explored my body I
couldn’t think straight, every inch of my body wanted to be connected to
her.  Feeling her smooth, tight thigh beneath my hand was so hot I didn’t
think I could possibly be any more turned on.  When she parted her legs
for me allowing me to press my self up against her as she wrapped her leg
around me almost made me loose it right there on the porch.  I want her so
badly, to taste her lips, to feel her skin on my skin, to watch her come undone
beneath me but the porch is not the place and right now is not the time.

    
Taking her to bed right now would only prove that I am only good for one
night.  In the morning she would wake up regretting our time together
telling
herself
it was only because I was drunk or
even worse that she played second to Sandra and I only slept with her because
Sandra had left.  If I ever have the pleasure of making love to Cait she
is going to know it is love and not just sex.

    
“Not here, not like this,” I say. 

Chapter 30

Cait

    
I nod in agreement but my heart aches.  We stay for a minute, pressed
against each other as we slow our breathing and then stand up and adjust our
clothing.  It only takes a few minutes for my brain to clear the fog of
the lust and I regret our touch immediately. 

    
Matt looks at his watch and then asks, “Is it almost time for the morphine?” I
am suddenly panicked that I might have missed a dose.  So wrapped up in my
own drama that I might have failed to keep Court comfy.

    
“Oh, my God, what time is it?” I ask as I turn around and open the door as
quickly as possible.

    
“Midnight,” he replies, now as worried as I am.

    
“We’re okay, she can’t have it for another 30 minutes,
” 
I
say as I begin to get oriented back to this reality.  We stand
just outside her door and wait in silence for the time to pass.  When we
hear her move we decide to go in, not caring what the spacing is between doses
if she is in pain. 

    
“What has gotten into you?” she asks with a smile.  I look at Matt and can
see that his cheeks are still flushed and his lips are wet from our kiss. 
He returns my look and I know that I must have the same tell tale signs that he
does.  Courtney moans in pain and I quickly reach for the bottle of
morphine on her dresser.  I fill up the dropper and place it in her mouth
and she winces as she swallows it. “Thank you.”

    
Matt sits in the chair by her bed and watches as she drifts off to sleep again,
the window of clarity getting shorter each time. 

    
“I think we need to set an alarm and take turns giving her the morphine
throughout the night,” I say watching as her breaths even out.  Matt
agrees and I sit down and lean against the wall of her bedroom.  Failure
to keep my life separate from his has now set him up for heartbreak and the
guilt begins to eat away at my soul urging me to retreat and increase the space
between us.

    
“Matt
..
.” I start to say but he interrupts.

    
“Please don’t,” he begs as he shakes his head and rests his elbows on his
knees.  I know he already knows what I am about to say and I can feel the
heaviness of the room begin to weigh me down again.   I rest my head
against the wall and tell
myself to be strong, that falling
for Matt will leave me vulnerable to the crushing pain and heartbreak I
couldn’t face
.  “Damn it Cait, I can’t do this.”  He buries
his head in his hands. “I know you can feel what I feel.  How are you
going to deny that we need each other...that we want each
other.
 
If you didn’t feel it too I could accept it, but I felt you under my hands,
your body reacting to me.”  He wipes his hands down his face and then
looks to me.

    
I close my eyes and try to find the answer that would suffice.  He is
right, I want him and I need him.  That was the problem.  Tonight
with Elliot had been the last of the loose ends that I needed to tie up. 
I was set to check out, to leave this life and the pain it inflicted.  Now
I was falling in love with another man that would leave me.  I need to talk
to my best friend but she is here between us dying.  My world is crashing
down around me and I can’t stop it. 

     “I don’t
understand it Cait,” the pain in his voice falling heavy on my ears.  I
watch him as he stands up and walks past me pausing to look down when he is
near me, “I will take the first shift.  Get some sleep.”  I nod in
relief that the conversation is over for tonight and when I hear his door close
I climb into bed with Court and cry into her pillow.  

Awakened by a
loud voice I jolt out of bed and try to listen to hear where it was coming
from.  It is Matt and he is yelling and I feel my heart race within me as
I run to his room.  When I open the door he is in his bed asleep but
tossing and turning with clenched fists.  I realize then that
it wasn’t just the planning of Court’s funeral at night that kept
him from resting
,
it was his nightmares
. 
He had not had any the nights he shared my bed. I feel a pull inside me that
leads me to crawl into his bed. I wake him by rubbing his forehead and saying
his name.  He reaches out and grabs my wrist and I can see that although
his eyes are open now he is not here with me in this room.  After a few
seconds I see his eyes soften and he releases his hold on me. 

    
“I woke you,” he said sounding so disappointed.  “I’m sorry.”

    
“Matt it’s okay, how often does this happen?”

    
“Most nights, but not always.” He reaches up and wipes the sweat from his
brow.  He clasps his fingers together and puts them on the top of his head
while he stares at the ceiling. “What time is it?”

    
“Just past 3,” I answer propping myself up on my elbow. 

He reaches down
and lifts the covers over his legs and sits up at the edge of the bed. 
“It’s almost time for her medicine, I am so sorry I woke you when it wasn’t
your turn.”

    
“Don’t worry Matt, I was just scared.  What are the dreams about?”  I
know I am asking a personal question but I feel like we are past the
superficial conversation.

    
“Typical PTSD stuff I am told.  Missions that went bad, lives that were
lost.”  He hangs his head down and looks towards his feet.  “I
haven’t slept a good night in years.  The most I have slept was with you
the first two nights

    
“There is medicine that can help,” I say knowing that it does little to help
the nightmares of PTSD.

    
“I’ve tried them all Cait, and therapy too.  In my line of work there is a
thin line between getting help and being unfit for duty.  I do what the
docs say and then keep the lingering symptoms to myself.”  He stands up
and adjusts his sweats before heading to the door.  “I’m okay now, you can
go get some sleep.  I will do the next dose too since I woke you.”

    
“That isn’t necessary Matt, we are in this together.” I look to see his
reaction but he just nods his head and moves towards her room.  I lay in
his bed for a minute breathing in his scent and then decide I should make my
way to my room and get washed up and head to bed. 

    
The hot water washes over my head and seeps down my face as I stand in the
shower rinsing away the day.  My heart hurts so bad I take deep breaths to
try to relax the muscles in my chest in hopes that I will feel some relief in
my heart too.  As I think about the pain in my chest I realize that I am
hurting over Courtney and Matt, but not Elliot.  After his visit today I
know I will no longer grieve the loss of that relationship. 

    
After drying off I slip on my nightgown and run a brush through my hair.
 I know that I will see Court again in a few hours but I feel the need to
check in on her.  I tip toe down the hall not wanting to wake Matt if he
is already asleep but as I pass his room I notice his bed is empty.  When
I open Court’s door I find him
laying
in the bed next
to her much like I was earlier.  His arm is wrapped around her and she has
rested her hand on top of his.  Before I can wake him he starts to flinch
and then cries out in his sleep, his words unrecognizable.  I run to his
side and shake him to get his attention and he opens his eyes for a second
dashing them around the room.  When he finds
me he calms
and then realizing he was dreaming again he shakes his head and moves out of
her bed
. 

    
I walk with him down the dark hallway towards his room and the pull to be with
him takes over.  I know he is feeling it too because he slows down his pace
before reaching his door.  He turns and looks at me then smiles, “I love
when this hallway smells like your hair.  I can’t believe that in a few
days it will never smell of you again.”  He drops his head and turns to go
into his room.

    
“Matt, you can stay with me tonight.  I think we are going to both need
some sleep if we are going to be taking shifts with the morphine from here on
out.” Knowing it is a bad idea I still feel helpless to stop my mouth from
offering it up.  There is only so much pain I can take today and the
little kid in me is afraid to be alone with my thoughts.

    
“Cait you don’t have to do that, I may not agree with your boundary but I won’t
cross it.”

    
Against my better judgment I reach out and grab his hand.  “It is just sleeping,
Matt, and it seems like you do better when you are with me.  After today I
am not sure I want to be alone in my bed either.  Let’s get some rest, we
only have a few hours before she will need more morphine.”  He follows me
down the hall to my room and we climb into the bed together.  He seems so
distant and I know that is because I have hurt him today and I want to tell him
that I love him but I know in the end it will only make it worse. Instead I
wrap his arm over me and scoot close enough to him that his skin touches mine
and I can feel the warmth of his body from my head to my toes.  I can hear
him breathing in my hair and he pulls me back closer spooning me, our bodies a
perfect fit.