Finding Cait (10 page)

Chapter 25

Matt

    
Did she really just ask what is stopping me?  I don’t know if she is blind
or I am just really that confused.  I feel the need to be with her so
strong that it steals my breath.  I lay awake at night when she thinks I
have fallen asleep and I watch her, praying that one day she will feel the need
to be with me like I need her.  Wanting to be with her, hang on to that
one small chance that I didn’t mess up the most important thing in the world
one night when I was a teenager...that is what was stopping me.

    
I stare at her not sure where to even start.  I don’t
know
 if
there is anything I can say that will express to her the way I
feel.  Damn it! I am pissed that she even has to ask me what is stopping
me from calling an ex-girlfriend.  She has to be the single most
frustrating woman on the planet. I don’t know how much more I can take of this
complete ambivalence when we
are  discussing
our
futures. 

    
There has to be something that she is not sharing with me that prevents her
from letting herself take a chance on us.  I can’t believe that I could be
that far off in the idea that she is attracted to me, that she had wanted me
again.  I can’t take this anymore I have to know where I stand before this
woman brings me to my knees.  If she can look me in the eye and say she
doesn’t feel it too then I have to let it go and accept that the only place I
will hold in her life is that of a friend.  As pathetic as it sounds I
know I will take whatever I can get.

Chapter 26

Cait

    
“Cait I need to know if you feel what is happening here” Matt says as he leans
over the table and motions to the space between us.  I know what he is
talking about but I don’t know what to say.  There is something easy and
familiar about being by each other and a tension between us that is close to
electric.  My stomach turns and that familiar lump returns to my throat as
I think about my answer.

    
He looks around the cafe as if someone might be watching and then leans in so
close to me I feel intoxicated by his presence.  “Say I have a chance
Cait, that you would give me the opportunity to love you and take care of
you.  Tell me if you feel the same need to be close to me as I have felt
about you since we were kids.”  His eyes are locked onto mine and I notice
I am not breathing.

    
The what
ifs start playing though my head but then I
remember Court and that when she is gone he will leave too.  If I admit to
my need to be near him then I would be choosing to stay around and live without
them both.  My heart beats heavy in my chest as I look him in the eye and
lie to save us both that pain, “Matt, there is nothing left of my heart to give
you.  You will need someone when Court dies but I cannot be that person.”

    
Matt lets out a big breath. He leans back in his chair and clasps his fingers
together on top of his head.  After a few long minutes he leans in again
but this time his face looks so sad.  My heart skips a beat as he reaches
down and takes my hand in his.  “Okay.”

    
We finish and stay at the café a little while longer both pretending to eat but
knowing that neither of us can put much in our stomachs while our hearts are so
heavy.  We begin our walk back to the house in silence.  I can feel
the weight of so many unanswered questions between us.  Just when the
silence was growing to an unbearable level Matt looks to me and says, “Please
tell me about your baby.”

    
A wave of emotions begins to rise inside me.  Sadness threatens to take my
voice but the warmth I feel having Matt care about such an important part of my
life soothes the ache and allows me to answer.  “I had just found out it
was a girl. We had tried for two years before we conceived and finding out that
I was pregnant was the happiest day of my life.  Elliot and I were going
to name her Emma.  I called your sister after every appointment telling
her about the heartbeat, her size and any movement I had felt.”  Matt
looks away from me as I tears up.  I can see that his heart broke for
me.  After wiping away the tears I continued, “I went to my check up that
morning feeling like something was wrong.  By the time I entered the exam
room I had already begun bleeding.  My doctor sent me to the ER and they
confirmed there was no longer a heartbeat.  I had to be rushed into
surgery so that I could avoid bleeding to death or being infected.”

    
Describing that experience I have never been able to come close to expressing
what it actually felt like.  To wake up with your dream alive and inside
you in the morning only to be put to sleep to awaken again empty of the dream
and hope.  No metaphor for loss can compete with the physical experience
of having dreams surgically removed.

    
“I am so sorry Cait.  I can’t imagine the pain you must have felt.”

    
“I didn’t just feel it then Matt, I still feel it today.  I had wanted to
be a mom more than anything else.  I wanted to give a baby what my mother
could not give me. 
Love, attention and a good home.
 
I entered the worst depression of my life and have been trying to climb out of
that dark hole ever since.  Elliot’s affair probably would have killed me
if I didn’t have your sister and some level of numbness from the loss of Emma.”

    
“I can’t believe that asshole.  I can see why you don’t want to answer his
calls, I would want to kill him.”

    
“Trust me, your sister and I considered it,” I say as I smile and look him in
the eyes.  “I just didn’t have any energy left to give him.  When I
found out about the affair I confronted him, I guess hoping he would say he was
sorry and we could try again but he didn’t.  He just told me he would get
his stuff and be out of the house by the next day.  Perhaps he had no
fight left in him either.”

    
We continue to walk towards the house.  I can hear his phone vibrate in
his pocket but he ignores it until we enter the house and are standing in the
living room.  I tell him I am going to check on Court and then maybe take
a nap.  He nods and heads down the hall for the extra bedroom.  His
voice sounds muffled as he returns her call and shuts the door behind him.

    
Courtney is pale and trembles in her bed as I feed her the morphine.  She
looks at me with tears in her eyes and holds my hand in hers as she waits for
the medicine to take effect.  I can see her shoulders relax and she meets
my eyes with hers.  “He finally told you didn’t he?” she asked through
half-opened eyes.

    
“Told me what?” I ask nervous for what bad news he may have had that he didn’t
share.

    
“That he loves you.”

    
“He doesn’t love me Court.  Watching you die is making us both ache with
loneliness. He will forget about me as soon as you are gone and I don’t want
to...” I draw in a deep breath, “I don’t want to be left again.”  I put my
hands up to my face and cover my eyes as I lose control. 

    
“Cait, he has loved you since we were young.  He has never thought he was
good enough for you no matter what I have told him over the years.  He may
leave you, that is what he does and I won’t deny that, but he will love you
until the day that you die and I am completely convinced of that.”  She
closes her eyes and releases my hand. 

    
Court doesn’t know that the day that I die is not far off.  I want to tell
her that I am scared, scared that I might love him too.  Her breathing
evens out again letting me know that the beautiful window of clarity has passed
and I will have to wait a few more hours to share anything with her.  By
then I will have talked myself out of spilling my heart to a dying
friend.  

I sit on the
couch in silence waiting for the nerve to call Elliot back.  He has not
left any messages and I don’t know what I should expect when I dial his
number.  I hear Matt come down the hallway and I look up to see him enter
the room.  His jeans hang low on his hips and the black t-shirt he is
wearing clings to his muscles.  He has taken a shower and I can smell his
scent as he looks around for his keys.  I know he is going to meet
her.  I can’t help but to think I have pushed him to her, if I would have
been honest with him he would be here with me on the couch and the loneliness
would not be so unbearable. 

    
“I have my phone if you need anything.  I shouldn’t be long but it’s late
so lock the door just in case.  I have a key.  Are you going to be
okay?” 

    
Nodding my head yes and try to smile.  My phone starts vibrating on the
couch next to me and I can see the disappointment in Matt’s face when he sees
Elliot’s name on the screen.  He looks away quickly but his wound is so
obvious.  “Night Cait,” he says without looking back.  I’m sure he
won’t be back until tomorrow and it kills me so I hold my tears in until I know
he is gone.  Alone I sit on the couch, crying into a pillow, wanting to be
dead already.  The vibrating phone is relentless, I ignore Elliot’s calls
and texts for hours as I sit in the darkness trying not to think about where
Matt us.  After giving Court another dose of medicine to relieve her pain,
I allow his persistence to win and I decide to answer his call and get it over
with.

    
“Caitlyn? Are you there?”  Elliot’s voice sounds panicked while I wait
until I know my voice won’t fail me to respond.

    
“I’m here Elliot.”

    
“I need to talk to you.  Can we meet?” I am not expecting that so I sit up
on the couch in hopes of trying to figure out what he was asking.

    
“It’s late Elliot.  Can’t we handle this over the phone Elliot?  I
don’t really see why we even need to talk about anything.” I start to wonder if
she is there, the girl he left me for.

    
“I need to see you Caitlyn, please.” 

    
“I am at Courtney’s.”  He would find me eventually anyway so I decide to
tie up this loose end so I can be free of everyone when she passes.

    
“I can be there in 45 minutes.”  He pauses for a minute and then says,
“Thank you.”

    
The phone goes silent and then the call ends.  I find myself unsure what I
have just agreed to.  I know I must still love him but the pain I feel
when we talk is unbearable.  I don’t move the entire time it takes for him
to drive to Courtney’s.  I just sit on the couch and think about the baby,
his affair and where Matt is.  I chuckle when I realize I care more about
where Matt is and what company he is keeping than when Elliot will be here and
what he wants to talk about.  Silently I thank Matt for being a welcome
distraction.

    
A knock on the door pulls me out of my thoughts and I yell, “Come in.” 
Elliot looks terrible.  He hasn’t shaved in a few days and he is wearing
his work suit but the top two buttons on his shirt are undone and his tie hangs
to the side loosened and wrinkled.  He looks how I feel.  Elliot
takes a seat next to me on the couch and sits for a minute, waiting for
something but I don’t move.

    
“Caitlyn, I am so sorry.  I am miserable without you.  Leaving you
was the biggest mistake of my life.”  He leans forward to try and meet my
eyes but I am staring at the door fighting the urge to bolt.  I can
finally see him for who he really is.  He is pathetic, lost and
alone. 

    
“Does your girlfriend know you are here?” I ask in a neutral tone.  I turn
to meet his gaze as I wait for his answer.

    
“She was a mistake.  I was lonely
Caitlyn,
you
were so distant because of the baby.  I needed attention too.”

    
“You needed attention too?” I repeat, asking it this time.

    
“Yes, Caitlyn.  You are all I have ever wanted but I am never
enough.  You have never been mine.  I think you have been chasing a
chance to fill whatever void you have but nothing I have ever given you has
been enough.  I thought marrying you would fix it, I tried so hard, but
then you needed a baby.  I would do anything to share something with you
forever so I tried that also.  Me, your career, your clients, a baby,
don’t you see it
Cait,
I was just never going to be
enough.  I have always been on borrowed time.  I didn’t want to share
you-I don’t want to share you.”

    
“Elliot, it has always been just you.  I was right there in
fron
of you the whole time.  What about the
affair?  How can you tell me you have been fighting for me while being
with another woman?”

    
“For them I was enough.  I am not saying it was your fault I had an
affair.  I just want you to know that you and I have been doing the same
thing, trying to find the connection that fulfills us.  I can’t find it
without you, but you can’t find it with me.”  Elliot reaches out and
brushes my hair from my shoulder but I pull away.”

    
“It’s too late Elliot.  I am sorry but I need you to go.  I loved you
all that I could so please remember that ok?  Promise me that you will
remember
hwo
much I loved you.”  I need him to
promise so when I end my life he won’t blame himself.  He is right, no
matter how hard he tries, the void I feel will only be magnified when I lose
Court and I have no energy left to search for the cure.  I just want to
die with Court.

“I’m trying to
tell you I made a mistake.  I need you back.  I can’t eat, I can’t
sleep and I am so lonely.”

    
“I know how that feels.  You have put me there before and I won’t go back
Elliot.”  I stand up and walk towards the door trying to show him it was
time for him to leave but he doesn’t move. 

    
“Caitlyn I am not leaving here unless you leave here with me.”

    
“I wouldn’t leave with you if I could, but since you obviously haven’t heard,
Court is dying.  I need you to go Elliot before we say anything that we
can’t take back.  I care about you but you need to go.”

    
“I’m sorry Caitlyn, I didn’t know.”

    
“You didn’t know because you aren’t my husband anymore, you chose to leave me
Elliot.  You made that choice, I may have made it easy but you made it
none the less.”

    
Elliot stands up and moves towards me.  My heart aches for him but he will
get past this.  He has family to take care of him, I don’t.

    
“I came here to say I was sorry and to ask you to stop the divorce.  I can
see that I am too late.  I will never get over this Caitlyn for as long as
I live, I won’t get over losing you.”

    
“With time you will.  I need someone who is my partner, someone who
doesn’t run from the horrible parts of my life.  You have never been able
to tolerate my pain, not with Emma, and not with my mother.  You chose to
look the other way at every painful moment of my life.  Instead of being
with me you leave me to suffer alone.  Not once did you try to lessen the
burder
.”  I open the door wider and use all of my
energy to turn the corners of my mouth
uo
into a
smile.  “Elliot it is time for you to go.”