Find You in the Dark (46 page)

 
But over time, after lots of individual and group therapy sessions, I found myself able to loosen up and talk more about what I had experienced.  The things I felt, my fears, my pain, and what I wanted most in my life.  And I found that the more I talked, the better I felt. 

 
I began to recognize that these people weren't here to judge me or make me feel bad when I talked about wanting to kill myself or how hard it was for me not to cut.  They didn't look at me like I was crazy when I would break down after a particularly gut- wrenching session.  This was the most support I had felt from anyone, other than Maggie, and Ruby and Lisa, in my entire life. 

 
And it felt unbelievable.

 
So, with all eyes on me, I thought really about my answer to Matt's question.  And then, just like that I had it.  A memory that was actually good and not tainted by anger and bitterness.  “My dad taking me fishing.”  Lydia smiled at me.  “Yeah.  It was before things got really bad.  My dad wasn't the district attorney yet, so he had more time for me.  He picked me up from school early one day and drove us out to a lake.  I can't really remember where.  Anyway, we spent all day fishing and talking.  It was nice.”

 
I found myself smiling as I remembered a time I could be with my dad without wanting to rip his face off.  Matt nodded.  “That sounds awesome, Clay.  Thanks for sharing that with us.”  And he was moving on to the next person.

 
The memory of that time with my dad made me feel pretty good.  I was feeling that way a lot more lately.  Less of the crazy depression and anger, and more of the happy- go- lucky thing that I never thought I was capable of experiencing.

 
I'm sure it had a lot to do with my new medication.  After I came to the Grayson Center, my new doctor, Doctor Todd as we kids called him, put me on a new pill.  One that helped control my mood swings without turning me into a zombie. 

 
It was pretty great.  And even though I had moments where I strangely missed those energetic highs, which Doctor Todd told me was normal, I sure as hell didn't miss the crippling lows.  The psychotherapy that I attended three times a week was also helping a lot.  It was nice to not have to worry about hurting myself or someone else.  To think that maybe I would be able to get my shit together and find a way back to where I belonged.

 
With Maggie.

 
I shook my head.  I couldn't think about her here in group.  That was something I saved for when I was alone.  Because if I started thinking of her now, I would invariably start thinking about how much I hurt her and how I fucked things up so royally.  And then my feel- good mood would evaporate in a flash.  Snap.  Just like that.

 
I must have zoned out for awhile, because I suddenly realized that the other kids were getting to their feet.  Maria grinned at me.  “Earth to Clay!”  She reached for my hand to help me up.  I looked at her a moment as I got to my feet.  Maria had a nice smile and really pretty eyes.  But she wasn't Maggie.  I dropped her hand quickly.  I tried to pretend that I didn't see the disappointment flash across her face.  We walked together out of the common room and headed down the hallway to the cafeteria.  “That was pretty tough today.”  Maria said as we joined up with the others, who were getting in line for lunch. 

 
I nodded.  “Yeah.  It's kinda hard finding something nice to say about my parents.  You know, considering they're a bunch of self-absorbed asses.”  I joked, picking up a tray.  Maria giggled behind me.  “I know what you mean.  My mom is a cracked out dead beat who refused to protect me from my dad because it got in the way of her next high.  Thinking of the ooey gooey times together is more than a little difficult.” 

 
I took a plate of pasta and a salad and moved to drinks, getting myself a bottle of water.  Maria followed me to our regular table near the large window overlooking the gardens.  Tyler and our other friends, Susan and Greg, were already seated.

  “
Hey guys.”  I said as I sat down.  Greg scooted over to make room and Maria sat on my other side.  “How was group?”  Tyler asked around a mouthful of sandwich.  Maria and I shrugged in unison and we laughed.  “It was group.  How about you guys?”  Maria commented.  The other three were in a group for substance abuse the same time Maria and I were in ours.  Susan Biddle, a short girl with brown hair and big brown eyes who reminded me a lot of Maggie's friend Rachel, snorted. 

  “
Well, it would have been better if loud mouth Austin hadn't decided to be a total dick to Jean.”  Jean was the substance abuse counselor at the center.  And Austin was this places' Paul Delawder, the dick who had destroyed my MP3 player my first day at Jackson High School back in Virginia.

 
The guy Maggie had jumped to defend me from.  I smiled at the memory of my brave, wonderful girl. 

 
Maria elbowed me in the side to bring me back to the conversation.  “Fuck, Austin.  He sucks.”  I said smiling.  Greg, Susan, and Tyler agreed and the conversation then focused on the movie the Center were showing tonight.

 
Every week, if we had earned enough merits and were doing well in our therapy, we earned a movie night.  We earned merits for completing various chores that the behavioral aides and therapists assigned us.  This week my job was to keep the common room clean.  I shared the job with three other kids.  I had earned all of my merits for the week, which was pretty cool.  I had lost a lot of them my first two weeks there.  So getting to join in the fun stuff was about as excited as I got anymore.

 
It wasn't like we left the facility or anything.  But it was cool to hang out with everyone in a non-therapeutic way and watch a movie without having to talk about our feelings.  Everyone could just relax and remember for a little while, that yeah, we were still teenagers.

 
Maria, Tyler (who was my roommate), and I walked back to my room after lunch.  We had an hour until afternoon sessions started.  I had a one on one with the substance abuse counselor, Jean.  The others had sessions either with their counselors or in groups.  That was the thing about this place.  It was one big session after another.

 
Maria went and flopped on my bed, making herself at home.  I had gotten pretty close to Maria since I had gotten there -(in a purely platonic way of course-) and she often came back to the room to hang with me and Tyler.  But it still felt weird to have her on my bed, even if she was just sitting on it.  Because I didn't want to see any girl but Maggie May Young on my bed.

 
Even though I had written Maggie a letter a month ago, telling her to move on, didn't mean that I had moved on.  I couldn't stomach the thought of being with anyone but her.  No one else mattered.  I had a feeling that Maria was starting to like me as more than a friend.  And even though I hadn't done anything to encourage it, I felt like I was going to have to say something to her soon.

 
No way was I going to hurt another girl I cared about.

 
Tyler got on his computer and started typing out emails.  I pulled up my desk chair and straddled it backwards, leaning my arms on the back.  Maria leaned over and picked up the framed picture on my bedside table.

  “
She's really pretty.”  Maria commented with a twinge of something in her voice that I wasn't able to identify.  Maria had picked up the only picture I had in the room.  It was a picture of Maggie and me from the Fall Formal.  We were sat beside each other at Red Lobster and we both made faces at the camera. I didn't need to look at the picture to remember how things used to be between us.  It was all I could think about.  Every second of every day.  All I did was think.  About the good times.  And the bad times.   And all the messed up stuff in between.

  
Maria gave a small sigh and placed the frame back in its spot.  “Do you ever talk to her?”  She asked me.  I always felt strange talking about Maggie.  Even though things had gotten ugly between us, my love for her was the one pure thing in my life.  I wanted to keep it all to myself and not share it with anyone.  She was the last thing I thought about before I went to sleep and the first thing my mind went to when I woke up.

 
I constantly wondered what she was doing, if she was happy, if she had started dating anyone.  That thought hurt.  A lot.  Because I really did want her to live her life, even if that meant moving on from me.  But that didn't mean I had to like it.  “No.  I don't think that would do either of us any good.”  I admitted, repositioning the picture frame so that I could see it.

 
Maria frowned.  “Why?  If you love her so much, don't you think talking to her would be a good thing?”  I gritted my teeth.  Explaining anything regarding my relationship with Maggie made me defensive.  But I forced myself to calm down, using those breathing techniques the counselors had been drilling into our brains for months.

  “
Because Maria, the fact that I love her is the reason I can't go turning her life upside down anymore.  I won't fuck with her like that again.  She's been through enough because of me.”  I sounded so pathetic.  Maggie's hold on me was as unyielding as ever.

 
Maria's face softened, her eyes getting that dewy look that girls get when a guy says something sweet - (Maggie used to get that same look every time I told her I loved her-).  “She's lucky to have your love, Clay.  I hope she realizes that.”

 
I swallowed, getting a little uncomfortable talking about this with Maria, particularly with Tyler five feet away.  Maria reached out and squeezed my arm, her fingers, I noticed, lingering on my skin.  “Just keep doing what you're doing and maybe one day you'll feel like you can call her.” 

 
I smiled.  Yeah.  Maybe...one day.

 
Depression, suicide and cutting are serious issues.  Statistics show that 2-3 million people in the United States and 13% of 15-16 year olds in the UK cut every year.  Self injurious behavior is often a way for people to cope with bigger issues. 

 
If you or someone you know is dealing with cutting or depression, it is important to talk about it, to get help and to find a way to stop!

 
There are so many great resources out there, taking the first step is the place to start.

 
Depression and bi-polar Support Alliance (DBSA)

 
www.dbsalliance.org

 
Teen Self Injury hotline:

 
1-800-Dont Cut

 
Teen Suicide Hotline

 
1-800-SUICIDE

 
Great resource and information about self injury:

 
www.selfinjury.com

                                                         
Acknowledgments

   
Thank you so much to my fantastic husband, who endured weeks of being left alone in the evenings so that I could get this book done.  Your support has been unwavering.

  
Thank you to my beautiful and amazing daughter who never fails to make me smile.

  
Thank you to my fantastic friend and editor, Julie, who helps me wade through all the crap to get to the story underneath.  You are great at what you do! 

 
Thank you to my friends who played guinea pig and gave me great feedback.

 
And most of all, thank you to my readers.  Without you, I wouldn't be doing this at all!

 
A. Meredith Walters has been writing since childhood and is also the author of
Irresistible Fear
, the first book in a paranormal romance trilogy.   Having recently made the big move from America to the other side of the pond to jolly ol' England, she has been afforded the opportunity to write full time.  Before that, she spent over a decade as a children's counselor and saw first hand the devastation of mental health issues.  But she also saw the beautiful resilience, unwavering hope and strength of the human spirit.  Because of that....this story was created.

 
Meredith would love to hear from her fans!  Follow her on Facebook or on Goodreads.com or you can email her at [email protected].

 
If you liked this book please take the time to leave a review on Amazon.  Thank you so much!