Find You in the Dark (40 page)

 
I heard the motel door behind me open.  “Maggie?  Why are you out here?”  Clay asked from the door way.  I looked over my shoulder at him.  He had put on his pants, but hadn't bothered with a shirt.  His hair was rumpled as he squinted in the morning light. 

  “
I've gotta go, Rach.  I'll call you when I know where we're going.”  I assured her.  “Maggie.  Seriously.  Come home.  This is nuts!”  She pleaded.  I didn't answer her, instead I disconnected the call. 

 
Standing up I shoved my phone in my pocket.  “Rachel?”  He asked.  I nodded, following him into the room and shutting the door behind us.  “What did you tell her?”  He eyed me warily.  “I told her you had some stuff going on and we needed to get away for awhile.”  I lied.  No way could I tell him that I had spilled his entire mental history to her.  I seriously doubted he'd want her to know about all of that ugliness.

 
Clay pulled me closer and kissed me.  “I was scared when I woke up and you weren't here.  I thought...that maybe you had left.”  He looked at me with a vulnerability that frightened me.  I hugged him tightly.  “Never, Clay.  I'm not going anywhere without you.” I told him and he relaxed in my arms. 

 
Clay got in the shower and we looked in the phone book for a place to get some more provisions.  There was a Target two towns over.  So we got in Clay's car and went to Brookerton.  We loaded up on shampoo, soap, toothbrushes and toothpaste.  I splurged a bit and got myself a curling iron and hair dryer.  I was glad that I had thought to grab my cash card before leaving Davidson. 

 
We went back to the motel room and I brushed my teeth for at least fifteen minutes.  I had never been so thankful for toothpaste in my life.  I spent some time and curled my hair, letting it rest in pretty waves around my shoulders.  Just because we were on the run, didn't mean I couldn't look nice.  When I was finished, I sat beside Clay on the bed.  He was going through messages on his phone.  He looked up at me and smiled tenderly.  He touched a strand of my hair.  “You look beautiful.” He said softly.  I leaned over and kissed him, feeling so full of love in that moment.

 
His attention was pulled back to his phone.  “What is it?” I asked, peering over his shoulder. “Ruby texted me last night.”  He said, turning the screen off.  “What did she say?” I asked him. “She wanted to know where I was.”  “Did you answer her?”  I inquired.  Clay shook his head. “Not yet.  I'm not really sure what to tell her.”

 
We were quiet for awhile.  The weight of our decision playing heavily on our minds.  “What
are
we going to do?  I mean, we can't stay in this motel room forever.”  I reasoned, picking at the skin around my fingernails.  Clay smirked.  “Why not?  This is high class living.” He joked.  I lightly punched his arm. 

 
He sobered.  “I know you're right.  I just can't go back there.  My life is over if I go back.  Maybe we could find some quiet town to live in. We could get jobs, a place to live.  Really start a life together.”  Clay seemed so hopeful. I, of course, knew that sort of wishful thinking would never happen.  I still needed to finish high school.  And what about college?  Yeah, I didn't think things through very clearly in my rush to run away with Clay. 

 
In the harsh light of day, things seemed a lot less simple and more like a big ol' mess.  I didn't respond to his statement.  Not sure I could agree with his rosy- colored view of the future.  “Why don't we just stay here a day or two.  We have enough money for that and then we can figure things out.”  Clay said, taking my hand in his.

 
A day or two seemed okay.  Maybe just some time to relax and put things in perspective is what Clay needed to make a sensible decision. I could give him that.  “Okay.” I agreed, snuggling into his side.  Clay wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. 

  “
This is all I need, Mags.  Just you and me, together.”  He murmured as I listened to the sound of his heart beat under my ear.  He made it sound so perfect.  But I knew the life we were creating for ourselves was anything but.

  “
Did you bring your medication, Clay?”  I asked after I woke up from our afternoon nap.  Clay stiffened for a minute before pulling away.  He got off of the bed and walked into the bathroom.  I followed him and watched him from the door way as he filled a cup with water and took a drink.

  “
You didn't bring them, did you.”  I stated instead of asking.  Clay gave me his best charming smile.  “I'll be fine without them. I haven't really been taking them for awhile anyway.  You'll see. Now that we're away from all that stress, it won't be like it was before.  I promise.”  I couldn’t believe he had been lying to me for weeks.  I thought he had still been taking the lithium.  His crazy behavior started to make more sense.

  “
What's awhile?” I asked him.  Clay frowned.  “I don't know.  Since early November, I guess.  Don't worry about it.”  Early November!!!  I know my mouth hung open. I couldn't believe he had been so sneaky about it. 

   
I felt like such a fool.  Here, I had been trying to rationalize everything, thinking he was just jealous, or under a lot of stress.  But no, it was because he hadn't been doing what he needed to do to regulate himself- to take care of himself.  I wanted to punch him, or scream at him.  But I knew that would just make it worse.

 
Damn it!  Rachel was right.  I couldn't do this.  I needed to get Clay back to Davidson.  This was a tightrope walk, and I knew it was just a matter of time before he fell off and he took me with him.  My face must have paled because Clay grabbed me by my upper arms.

  “
Stop it, Maggie!  Don't start worrying about me.  I will be all right.  Things will be perfect.  Just how we wanted them to be.  I don't need those stupid pills as long as I have you.”  His words chilled me.  He really did seem to believe that.

 
When had I become his new medication?  And when had I started enabling him?  I loved Clay so much, but this was
not
right.  He couldn't replace his medication with me and think things would be okay.  He was seriously deluding himself. 

  “
Clay, you need your meds.”  I whispered, trying to hide how appalled I was at his lack of responsibility and maturity.  Clay's face darkened.  “Don't start with me, Maggie.  I told you, I'm fine.”  He brushed past me into the room.

 
I had to figure something out.  But I wasn't sure how I could convince Clay to go back home.  He was certain that being away from Davidson and his parents would make everything okay.  He was so, so wrong. 

  “
I'm scared for you.” I said, watching him as he pulled a new shirt out of his bag and put it on.  Clay's shoulders tensed.  “Well, don't be.  You're over thinking things again.”  He said flippantly.  I wanted to be angry with him for putting us in this position.  For doing this to himself.  But I caught a glimpse at the healing cuts on his chest and arms as he pulled his shirt over his head and I just felt sad.  I wanted him to be happy and healthy.  Maybe I could just give him the few days he asked for.  And then convince him to go home.  He would listen to me, right?  I mean, he loved me. 

 
I went up behind him and put my arms around his chest and buried my face into his back, breathing in his amazing smell.  “I love you.  You know that?”  I stated.  Clay turned in my arms and held me.  “Of course I know that, Mags.  I love you too.”  I reached up on my tip toes and locked my mouth to his.  The taste of him causing the same butterflies in my stomach it always did. 

 
Clay broke the kiss and grinned at me.  “Let's get out of this depressing room.  I want to take you out to dinner.  A proper date.”  I laughed at the giddiness in his voice.  “A date, huh?” I raised my eyebrows at him.  “Yeah.  Let's go paint the town red, baby.”  He pulled on my hand, tugging  me toward the door.  Clay tucked his wallet in his pocket and pulled out his car keys. I let him lead me outside. 

  
Soon we were making our way through the tiny town of Glass Lake.  There wasn't a whole lot to it.  But there was a restaurant on the north end of town called Elk's Ridge Bar and Grill.  Funny name, considering there were no elk in North Carolina. 

 
I ordered a steak and potatoes and he got the chicken alfredo.  We ate until we were completely stuffed.  We laughed and talked.  I loved being with him like this.  This was the Clay I loved more than anything. 

 
As I waited at the table for Clay to come back from the bathroom, my cell phone made a ding in my pocket.  I was hesitant to check it.  I didn't want anything to ruin the great evening I was having.  But curiosity won out.

 
Looking in the direction of the bathrooms to watch for Clay, I quickly got out my phone.  There was a text waiting from Rachel. 
You guys are in some serious shit.  Did Clay tell you what went down when he left his house last night?

 
Feeling immediately edgy, I quickly typed out
What do you mean? 
I tapped my foot in impatience as I waited for the responding message.  Two minutes later the phone dinged again.  Looking at what my friend wrote, I thought I would be sick.

 
Well, apparently he threatened his parents with a knife.  Destroyed stuff, stole a bunch of money from his dad's wallet and took off.  The police are looking for you guys.  His parents are threatening to press charges against him.  You really need to come home.  Otherwise it'll just get worse.

 
Why didn't Clay tell me about what happened?  Again, he was keeping secrets from me!  The one person he swore he'd be honest with!  I shoved the phone back in my pocket and plastered a smile on my face as Clay came back to the table.

  “
Ready?” He asked.  I nodded, not trusting my voice.  Clay put some cash on the table- (his parent's money, I was sure-) and held out his hand for me to take.  I wrapped my fingers with his and let him pull me to my feet.  He hugged me and kissed my nose.  “Thank you for being my date.” He said with a grin.

 
I couldn't help but smile back, despite what I had just learned.  “Thank you for asking me to be your date.” I replied, squeezing his waist.  We walked out of the restaurant, our arms wrapped around each other. 

 
Out in the cold, night air, I felt unsure.  I needed to talk to Clay about what I had just learned.  But how do I broach the subject?  His parents were a sore spot, to say the least, and I knew it would just lead to an argument. 

 
But I had to know why he kept it a secret.  Why he didn't tell me the truth when he came to my room last night.  Though part of me wanted nothing more than to pretend it was all a mistake.  That what Rachel had told me couldn't possibly be true.

 
We walked down the street a ways and found a small park.  We found ourselves at a tiny bench situated in a shaded grove of trees.  The air was crisp and chill and I wrapped my jacket tighter around me.  Clay put his arm around my shoulders and held me tight against his side.  He kissed the top of my head and I tried to relax into him.

 
I didn't fool Clay for a second.  He knew me too well.  “What's wrong, baby?” He asked me softly, curling my hair around his finger.  I pulled back a bit so that I could look at him.  “I got a text from Rachel while you were in the bathroom.” I started.  Clay frowned.  “Okay.  Did she say something to upset you?” He asked, rubbing his thumb across my bottom lip. 

 
I cleared my throat, trying to ignore the burn of desire that ignited at his touch.  “Well, she told me the police are looking for us.”  Clay stiffened, his thumb stopping its slow caress across my skin.  “Well, I kind of expected that.” He admitted, dropping his hand into his lap. 

  “
Well, they're after us because of what happened.  You know.  At your house.”  I looked at him pointedly and I watched his face grow cold.  “At my house.” He stated.  I nodded.  I felt myself getting angry with him.  “Is there something you need to tell me?  About what went down with your parents?” I prompted, scooting back, putting distance between us.

 
Clay gave an angry sigh and got to his feet.  He started pacing.  “I told you everything.” He insisted harshly.  I jumped to my feet and grabbed a hold of his arm.  I wrenched him around to look at me.  “No you didn't!  You sure as hell didn't tell me that you pulled a knife!  On your parents!  Are you fucking crazy?” I shrieked at him. 

 
Okay, bad choice of words.  Clay pulled my hand off of his arm.  “Yes, Maggie!  I am FUCKING CRAZY!  Everyone thinks it, so it must be true!” He yelled back at me.  I blanched at his words and started backing away from him.  His face dropped and he raked his fingers through his hair in agitation.  “I want to go home, Clay.  This is all so messed up!  We can't do this!” I implored, collapsing on the park bench covering my face with my hands.

 
Clay came and sat down beside me and pulled my hands down.  He held them tightly in his and looked at me with the most desolate expression I had ever seen.  “I can't go home.  Not now.  I know I screwed up.  I let things get out of control.  But they weren't listening to me!  They NEVER listen to me!  Because none this was ever about me.  It was all about my parents and how much of an embarrassment I am.”  His voice cracked.