Find You in the Dark (29 page)

 
Clay grabbed my arm.  “Well, if the shoe fits.”  Clay said coldly.  I whipped around and got in his face.  “Well, I'm not the one out here like a damn stalker!  Daniel is my friend, you moron!  I'm through explaining myself to you!” 

 
I ran back into the cabin and went straight upstairs.

 
Clay was right on my heels.  “Maggie, stop.  Please.”  I could hear the change in his voice.  He sounded worried, panicked even.  “If it wasn't snowing, I'd tell you to take me home.  This if ridiculous!  You've been an asshole all evening.  I've had enough of your irrational insecurities.” I yelled at him as I ripped off my coat and threw it on the floor. 

  “
Maggie!  God! You know how I am.  How hard it is...” I cut him off.  “Stop with the goddamn excuses!  I have been nothing but loving and supportive of you.  But your shit will ruin us.  You need to get it under control!” I could tell that was the wrong thing to say as Clay's eyes lit with a sudden anger. 

  “
Nice, just throw my issues in my face, why don't you?!  I'm trying here!  Which is more than I can say for you.  I think you're just looking for an excuse to get rid of me.  Well, I'll make it easy for you.  Get the fuck out!” He screamed at me.  “You bastard.”  I breathed, hardly able to believe he had just said that.  After everything we'd been through.  After all the times I had shown him how much I loved him.  Well, if he wanted to act like a baby, I was getting off this rollercoaster.

 
Clay's eyes flashed at me.  I shoved Clay solidly in the chest.  He wasn't expecting it so he stumbled back a bit in surprise.  “Fine.  To hell with you!”  I was out of breath as I shoved past him.

 
The rage drained from Clay's face and he looked stricken.  The realization that I was leaving him sinking in hard and fast.  I knew in that moment he hadn't meant what he said, that he was just trying to hurt me.  But who does crap like that?  I would not stand there and be his whipping post a moment longer.  “Mags, I'm sorry. I don't know what I was saying.”  He tried to reach out for me and I slapped him across the face.  Hard.

 
His face swung with the force of my assault and a red splotch blossomed on his cheek.  He put his hand to his face, stunned by my action.  “You do
not
get to speak to me like!”  I stormed to the bed and yanked off the top blanket, took a pillow and left the room.

 
Clay followed me.  “What are you doing?  Maggie, stop! I'm sorry!”  He begged me, trying to stop me from leaving.  I swung back around..  “I'm sleeping on the couch. I'd rather sleep alone than share a bed with someone who has no respect for me!”  Clay's face crumpled as he tried to grab my arm.  “Please, Maggie.  I
do
respect you!  So much!  I was being stupid.  I'm just so scared of you leaving me.  I guess I push and push just to see if I'm right and that eventually you'll walk away.  I say these horrible things just to know if you'll take it.  If you'll stick by me no matter what.  But I was wrong!  I shouldn't treat you like that just to prove some sick, twisted theory in my head.  Please, don't leave me!  I can't live without you!”  That was the closest to honest he had been about his feelings in weeks.  But at that moment, it was too little too late. I was beyond hurt and angry and I just needed some space.

  “
Then I guess you should have thought about that before treating me like your emotional punching bag, huh?”  I left him standing there alone and went down stairs.  The house was quiet and I quickly made my nest on the couch.  I laid down, trying to calm the rapid beat of my heart.  I waited to see if Clay would follow me, but he didn't.

 
I was relieved but also disappointed by that, which annoyed me beyond reason.  His emotional ups and downs were becoming more and more painful.  It didn't change the fact that I loved him more than what was rational.  But, when do I stop this constant upheaval and protect myself?  I began to sob into my pillow, remembering the way he had looked at me so coldly as he had told me to leave.  Was this how it was always going to be?  Perfect one minute and then screaming and yelling the next?  I didn't think I could handle that.

 
As it was now, I was in a constant state of anxiousness.  Always waiting for that other shoe to drop. 

But thinking about my life without him in it was unconscionable.  I couldn't stomach the prospect of my every day without knowing I'd see him.  I was between a rock and a hard place.  Scared to death of what our relationship was doing to me, but even more terrified to end it.  My love for him was a powerful, overwhelming thing that had no root in rational thought.   But where do I draw the line? 

 
My nose was stuffy from crying and I wiped the tears from my face.  I was so sick of crying.  I hated it.  So, I tried to go to sleep, but my mind wouldn't stop.  The house was too quiet and it was driving me nuts.  I tossed and turned.  As pretty as the couch was, it was not comfortable to sleep on.  I finally drifted off around 1:00 in the morning only to be startled awake an hour later. 

  “
Maggie, please come to bed.”  Clay coaxed in my ear.  I rolled over and saw him kneeling beside me.  I turned away again, refusing to speak to him.  I was still more than a little angry, and really, really hurt.  And if I heard 'please, Maggie' one more time I would scream.

   
I could feel Clay rest his forehead on my back.  “I  can't sleep. I need to make this right.”  He begged me. His voice broke and I could hear the rasping that came from him crying.  Without realizing I did it, I rolled over to face him.  He looked a mess.  His hair stood on end as though he had been raking his finger through it over and over again.  His eyes were blood shot in the glow of the dying fire and he looked horribly pale. 

 
Damn it, I felt myself weakening at the sight of him.  I propped myself up on my pillow.  “I'm fine here.  Just go to bed.”  I told him, wiping sleep from eyes.  Clay looked desperate. “No. I won't sleep in that bed without you.  I'll stay down here on the couch too.”  He went to the other end of the sectional and laid down. 

 
He fidgeted around, having as hard a time as I did getting comfortable.  He curled up and fluffed the pillow under his head.  After a few minutes I sat up.  “This is ridiculous.  Just go upstairs, Clay.  You are not sleeping on the couch with me.”  Clay looked at me.  “I can't be away from you. I know I fucked up.  I deserve your anger, but I need you, Maggie. You know that.  Everything is so dark without you.”  I understood that despair in his voice, because it was so close to how I was feeling. I also recognized what he was conveying between the lines.  He felt like cutting.

 
My stomach dropped.  “You didn't did you?” I asked in a horrified whisper.  Clay shook his head. “No, but I wanted to.”  He admitted.  I was relieved that he hadn't hurt himself.  “You were completely out of line, Clay.  What you said to me was really hurtful.”  I could hear myself wavering as the tears started again.

 
Clay was by my side in an instant.  He rubbed the wetness with his thumb.  “Don't cry, baby.  I can't stand knowing that I've hurt you.”  He agonized.  I pulled away from him, not ready for him to touch me.  He dropped his hands to his sides.

  “
You can't go all Neolithic man on me.  You can't hit me over the head with your club and drag me back to your cave when you get upset with something I do.  And stop trying to push me away in some bizarre test of my devotion.  Because you
will
push me away, Clay.  For good next time.” I threatened.      Clay hung his head in shame.  “I know.  I am so, so sorry. I can't tell you how much.”  He whispered as his own tears fell.  I was upset.  That rigid part of myself didn't want to let this go.  I was afraid that if I did, it would be opening a door I couldn't shut. 

 
But as I watched my poor, broken boy cry over hurting me, I felt incredibly torn.   I wanted to forgive him in the worst way possible.  But I wasn't sure I should. 

 
I gently shoved Clay's shoulders, so that he looked up at me.  “Don't you see how messed up this is, Clay?”  He frowned at me.  “I know what I did was wrong.  I hate myself for it.”  He said, trying to grab my hand.

 
I pulled back and refused to let him hold me.  “But what if this becomes, I don't know...a pattern or something.  How you behaved earlier was nuts.  I don't have time for your mind fucks.”  I said harshly, wanting to make my position on this clear.

 
Clay nodded.  “I know that.  It was so stupid.  I can't excuse my behavior.  I have this horrible way of taking my insecure bullshit out on the people I love the most.”  Clay pushed his hair out of his eyes and looked at me intensely.  My stomach flipped over as it always did when he looked at me like that.  Like I was the center of his universe.

  “
And I love you more than anyone.  Which means you are the one person I shouldn't be treating like that.  But I've told you, I'm insecure, Maggie.  Ridiculously insecure.”  He admitted.  “You're gorgeous, Clay.  You could have anyone you wanted.  You have nothing to be insecure about.” I scoffed, though I knew why he felt the way he did.  His mental health issues made it hard for him to see things as they really were.  He lived in this dark world where he had nothing to give anyone but pain.  I tried so hard to change the way he saw himself.  But I didn't think I could ever do enough.

 
Clay laughed in a humorless way.  “I'm a mess.  You know better than anyone everything I've done.  I try so hard to change.  To make sure that guy never shows himself again.  But the struggle is really hard sometimes.  And then I meet you.  And I feel stuff that I've never felt before.  Things that I never thought I would be lucky enough to experience.  And I feel so out of control in the way I am with you.  Like I'm stripped bare and for once someone sees everything inside of me...the good and the really, really ugly.”  He sounded so vulnerable.  I wanted to hug him but I wasn't sure I could bridge the gap just yet. 

  “
I'm scared that the ugly will scare you away.  Because I know I'm high maintenance.  That I can't get a handle on the crazy, conflicting shit going on inside of me.”  He took a deep breath.  “But Maggie, I want to try.  And I AM trying.  But there are times that I'm reminded of why you are so much better off without me.  Seeing you with that guy Jake, Daniel, or any other guy kills me.  Because each and everyone of them can give you something I can't.  Normal.”  I started to protest the idiocy of that, but he held up his hand. 

  “
I know that there is absolutely nothing going on with you and Daniel, or you and Jake or you and the fucking mailman.  What I'm trying to say, is
who
it was is inconsequential.  It's the fact that it could be anyone.  That any other guy out there would be a hell of a lot better for you than me.” 

 
His eyes were bleak as he looked away from me.  His self- esteem was ridiculous.   How could he not see himself the way I did?  How could he not understand how full he made my life by just being in it?  Sure, what we had was hard and complicated, but it was also passionate and amazing.  There would never be anyone in my life that affected me the way he did.  I was sure of it. 

 
The thing was, I was petrified that the bad was starting to outweigh the good.  What would we be left with when I could no longer make Clay see everything that was wonderful about him and what we had?  What happened then?  And, just like that my anger withered away until it was replaced with only sadness.

 
And that was way harder to stomach.

  “
I don't know what to say.  I don't want you to feel that way.  I love you.  So freaking much.  But I can't make you feel better about yourself, about us.  Because that's entirely on you.”  I lifted my hands in tired defeat. 

 
Clay hung his head.  “I'm really trying.”  He said softly.  Sure, it was messed up and there was no way I'd forget about what he had done, but seeing him so depressed tugged at that gnawing nurturing side of me that had developed since meeting Clay. 

 
Maybe I shouldn't forgive him so easily for treating me the way he had.  For not trusting me.  For doubting my love for him.  And maybe I would feel angry about it again later.  But now, I just wanted to erase that despair from his beautiful face.  Despair that was caused by something so much deeper than our argument. 

 
We sat there in silence, the tension palpable.  I was wound tight and I didn't know what to do to make any of this better.  Before I could come up with a solution, Clay got to his feet.

  “
I'll leave you alone.  I'm sorry, Mags.”  Clay whispered.  I watched him walk away, back toward the staircase and I said nothing to stop him. 

 
I lay there in the darkness for awhile.  There was no way I would go back to sleep.  I  ruminated over our conversation ad nauseum.  Clay's neediness was a little hard to swallow.  I got that he loved me.  But was this a love I could deal with?  Was this love going to tear me apart? 

 
I couldn't stop thinking about what he said about his insecurities and how much he was trying to change.  And while I believed him, there was a niggling of doubt.  Doubt that he wasn't trying hard enough.  And then I had to think that maybe I shouldn't come down so hard on Clay, when I was riddled with my own doubts where he was concerned.