Feels Like Family (12 page)

Erik could understand that. Real life always tended to be a whole lot messier than you expected. He saw that all the time with the wedding receptions that were planned with such attention to detail, only to have a supplier fail to deliver something they’d been counting on, or the bride suddenly have a change of heart about the menu one week ahead of the date.

People with kids or in the restaurant-and-catering business pretty much needed to have a go-with-the-flow attitude or they’d wind up with ulcers or an early heart attack. Embracing change and unpredictability wasn’t easy, though. Helen, with her previously well-ordered existence, had just bumped up against that truth and discovered she could cope, after all. She seemed as surprised as he was.

“I know you didn’t ask me what you should do, but I’ll tell you anyway,” he said. “I know all too well how short life can be and how unexpectedly things can change. If you
really want something, you need to grab it. Don’t wait until it’s too late and wind up living with regrets.”

“The way
you
have?” she asked.

Erik nodded. “The way I have.”

He would regret to his dying day that he hadn’t agreed to having children when Samantha had first broached the subject right after their marriage. They’d been in their twenties then, just starting out, struggling to make ends meet. He’d wanted to get their marriage and their finances on a solid footing before having a baby. Samantha had reluctantly agreed to wait.

Maybe if they’d tried sooner, when they were both a little younger, things would have turned out differently and he’d have both his wife and a family.

The sad truth was, though, that he couldn’t go back and change that and he’d never know if it would have made a difference or not. He’d go to his grave wondering about that, about the night Sam and his child had died, about so many things.

He met Helen’s troubled gaze. “If you want a child, if you’ve considered it from every angle, then do it, Helen. You’ve got a terrific support system. You won’t be in it alone. And you’ve got the financial resources to hire all the help you need. Don’t let your life be ruled by doubts and uncertainty. That’s not who you are.”

The smile that broke across her face was startlingly radiant. It reminded him of the smile on Sam’s face when he’d finally agreed to start trying for a baby of their own.

“Thank you,” Helen said quietly. “You have no idea how you’ve helped me crystallize everything I’ve been thinking.”

She stood up and this time he let her go. When she bent down and pressed a kiss to his cheek, he felt a surprising
burst of longing. It was more than the sexual desire he’d felt before around Helen. It was partly a need to be included in this new life she was planning for herself, and partly regret that it would never happen. She was heading in a direction he would never again dare to go. He’d accepted that he would never have a family of his own. He’d convinced himself he didn’t deserve it.

Even knowing that, though, he couldn’t seem to stop himself from making an outrageous suggestion just to see how she’d react. It would be a test of just how flexible and daring she’d become.

“I have an idea,” he began innocently before she could walk away.

“Yes?”

“Why don’t I come by later tonight and bring some camping gear?”

She stared at him. “Camping gear?” She sounded as if she were testing very unfamiliar words.

“Sure, a tent, a grill to cook some burgers or roast marshmallows. The weather’s perfect for camping out in the backyard. The kids will love it.” He had to fight a smile at the horrified expression she was trying hard to mask. “You game?”

He could tell from her expression that she’d never been camping in her life, that the idea held no appeal now.

“You really think it would be good for the kids?” she asked doubtfully.

He nodded. “Mack and Daisy will be fine. What about you?”

She seemed to be waging a debate with herself, but finally she smiled. “I think you’ve lost your mind, but sure, why not?” she said gamely. “It’ll be another adventure.”

Erik admired her bravado. “Great. I’ll stop by after lunch and put the tent up in your backyard. You guys can start enjoying the campout before I get there. It’s Friday, so I could be late.”

“I’ll manage ’til you get there. The kids can take naps—that way they can stay up later.” She gave him a warning glance. “But just so there’s no misunderstanding, I draw the line at ghost stories.”

“I figured as much,” he said. “How do you feel about bugs?”

“I try to avoid them at all costs,” she said with a little shiver.

Erik swallowed a laugh. “I’ll bring spray.”

“What was I thinking?” she murmured as she walked away.

“It’s going to be fun,” he called after her.

She turned back, her expression doubtful. “If it’s not, I’ll be in my silk pj’s and tucked into my own comfy bed five seconds after you get there.”

Erik very nearly groaned. That image was not what he’d needed to have planted in his head just hours before he intended to spend a friendly, totally platonic night with her. Then again, from the moment he’d uttered the suggestion, he’d pretty much known the night was going to be torture.

Helen gathered up her briefcase and a stack of legal papers at four-thirty that afternoon and headed out of her office. Barb glanced up from the computer on her desk, her expression startled.

“You’re leaving?” she asked incredulously.

“No more appointments,” Helen said. “Check your calendar.”

“But even so, you never leave here before six.”

“I never had two kids at home before, either. I’m adapting to that. And Frances needs to leave early because she’s going to visit her son and his family. I said I’d take over no later than five.”

Barb regarded her with curiosity. “How’s the whole instant family thing? Everything still okay? You haven’t said much the past couple of weeks, so I assumed everything was going smoothly.”

Helen sat down beside the desk. “It’s been going surprisingly well. Mack and Daisy are so curious about everything. They’re smart and energetic. I’m worn out by bedtime, but it’s the good kind of exhaustion, you know?”

“Oh, I know,” Barb said. “To be honest, I never thought you’d last this long.”

“What choice did I have?” Helen replied. “I had to adapt.”

“No, you didn’t have to. You
chose
to. There’s a huge difference. You actually volunteered to give those kids a home while their mother got the help she needed.” A worried frown creased her brow. “What’s going to happen when they go back home to their mother? Are you going to be okay?”

“Of course,” Helen said. “That’s been the plan all along.”

“Plans are one thing,” her secretary told her. “Emotions tend to be less tidy. These kids have managed to sneak into your heart, haven’t they?”

Though she’d admitted it to Erik just that morning, Helen wasn’t sure she wanted to tell Barb just how attached she’d become in such a short time. Once she’d come up with some semblance of a routine and realized that Daisy and Mack were pretty adaptable, she’d started to enjoy having them around. She’d explored a whole new
world of games and television and family movies. In fact, the best part of her day wasn’t the time she spent in the courtroom winning a case for her client; it was the end of the day, when she, Daisy and Mack snuggled on the sofa and watched a DVD together just before bedtime. Being with them had solidified her desire to have a child of her own. It hadn’t, however, given her the first clue about the best way of going about that.

Unfortunately, just as Barb suggested, there was a downside to her newfound maternal instincts. She was starting to resent just a little the time Karen spent with Mack and Daisy when she came by. Helen knew her attitude was not only unfair, it was a warning flag flapping so noisily it could have been heard throughout town. Letting them go, not just for a couple of days with their mom, but permanently, was going to tear out a little piece of her heart.

“Well?” Barb prodded. “You like having them there, don’t you?”

“Well, of course, I do,” she said.

“What happens when they go home?”

“I guess I’ll be able to tell you that on Monday,” she said, forcing a note of cheer into her voice. “Karen’s picking them up on Sunday for a two-day visit back home. It’s her day off and everyone agrees she’s ready to have them back, at least part-time.”

Barb’s expression immediately turned sympathetic. “Oh, Helen, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. They should be with their mother. They belong with her.” She said the words by rote, trying to mean them, but failing miserably.

Furthermore, Helen had doubts about whether the transition would go as easily as she implied. Last night after
her conversation with Dr. McDaniels, she’d sat beside Mack’s bed and then Daisy’s, watching them sleeping, and trying to imagine her life without them in it. Her heart had ached at the prospect of all that silence once again greeting her at the end of the day, at the absence of fierce hugs and sticky kisses.

“Helen, I worry about you,” Barb said. “I can see it in your eyes. This visit to their mom is one thing, but letting go of them for good is going to break your heart.”

“Well, we’re not there yet. For now, they’re still at my house and I need to get home to them. Erik’s coming over as soon as he can get out of the kitchen at Sullivan’s and we’re going to camp in the backyard.”

Barb gaped at Helen. “Excuse me? Did I hear correctly? You’re going to camp in the yard, in the dark? In what? A tent?”

“Yes, a tent,” Helen said. “Erik has one.”

“Well, that should be cozy,” Barb said, amusement dancing in her eyes. “Does he know you’ve never stayed in anything less than a four-star hotel?”

“Probably,” Helen said, recalling the glint in his eye when he’d made the suggestion. She’d recognized the whole thing for what it was—a poorly concealed dare. “I think he’s counting on me panicking at the sight of the first bug.”

Barb laughed. “I just hope he catches it on video.”

Helen frowned at her. “I’ll ban cameras from the premises. The two of you would get entirely too much enjoyment out of that.”

“Enjoyment?” Barb shook her head. “I was thinking about enough blackmail money to secure my retirement.”

“You are so not funny,” Helen said.

“I don’t need to be funny. I’m efficient and I’m about to be rich.”

Helen cast one last scowl in her direction, but as soon as she was out the door, she grinned. The whole idea of her camping, even in her own backyard, was pretty ludicrous. Lately, though, she’d been lured into trying lots of new things, not all of them bad, either. In fact, spending the night with Erik, even if it was in a tent with two kids as chaperones, struck her as more intriguing than most of the dates she’d had in the past few years.

When he’d suggested the campout, she’d bitten back the negative response that had immediately come to mind. She needed a few more memories like this to store away. She could use more of Erik’s sane, rational advice, as well. Things always went more smoothly with the kids, too, when he was around. They obviously adored him. She’d wondered on more than one occasion lately why he and Karen hadn’t drifted together, since it was obvious his connection to the kids wasn’t something recent. Maybe she’d ask him that tonight. She had a hunch his reasons ran deeper than some noble objection to a boss dating an employee. Maybe it had more to do with his flatly stated intention never to have kids.

Maybe it was a question best not asked. He’d just tell her his love life was no more her business than it was Dana Sue’s. And it seemed clear after their conversation this morning that he was still a long way from moving on from his past. Grace Wharton had gotten it right, after all. Erik was pretty much a confirmed bachelor. That he hadn’t always been one didn’t really matter. If friendship was all he was willing to offer, she’d take that. She’d never really been friends with a man before, at least not with one who
seemed able to see into her soul the way Erik did from time to time. It was nice. More than nice, in fact.

Of course, if it came along with the occasional kiss that could rock her world, so much the better.

T
o Erik’s relief, Helen was not wearing anything resembling silk pajamas when he arrived around nine-thirty that night for the campout. When Dana Sue had heard what he was up to for the evening, she’d insisted he take off the instant the dinner rush had slowed. He figured he’d pay for that big-time by having to answer a slew of questions in the morning.

He took another look at Helen and dismissed Dana Sue and her nosiness from his mind. Helen had on formfitting jeans and a pale pink T-shirt that flattered her complexion. She was actually wearing sneakers in the same shade of pink with white accents. He instantly recalled Dana Sue teasing Helen about ordering custom sneakers to match her outfits. Still, custom designer shoes aside, she looked far more down-to-earth and approachable than she usually did.

Erik dropped a kiss on her cheek, then checked out her attempt to start the charcoal in the grill he’d put on the patio. There were glimmers of red at the edges, but it was a long way from hot enough to do any effective cooking.

“You ever barbecued before?” he asked.

“No. Why? Am I doing something wrong?”

“Well, you need some heat.”

“I didn’t want it to burn itself out before you got here,” she claimed. “You’re early. How’d that happen?”

“Dana Sue sent me packing.”

She gave him a questioning look. “Why would she do that?”

“She knew I was coming here.”

“Are you crazy? Why would you tell her that?”

“I needed her key to your place. Didn’t you see the tray of burgers I left in your fridge earlier?”

“There are burgers in my fridge?”

“And a few other things I thought we’d need,” he said, ignoring the patches of indignant color in her cheeks. “I’ll go get the food.”

Her gaze narrowed as she followed him inside. “Exactly what did you tell Dana Sue that convinced her to give you a key to my house?” she asked in an icy tone that suggested she wasn’t pleased about the conversation or his invasion of her home.

Erik shrugged off her annoyance. He was confident she’d get over it—eventually, anyway. “The truth,” he said. “That I was cooking you dinner and spending the night and needed to do some advance preparations. Worked like a charm.”

“So she thinks you’re over here seducing me?”

“Something like that,” he said unrepentantly. “She seemed pretty thrilled.”

“I’m sure she was. Imagine how overjoyed she’s going to be when I tell her just how differently tonight went.”

She looked so thoroughly flustered and exasperated he couldn’t help baiting her. “You can’t be sure of what’s going to happen once the kids are asleep.” He dropped a
kiss on the end of her nose as he passed by on his way outside with the food.

“Oh, I can be sure,” she said, evidently regaining her confidence. “And just so you don’t have any further illusions, it’s not going to be pretty. You’ll be lucky if you don’t leave here in handcuffs.”

“We’ll see,” he said smugly, not the slightest bit intimidated by her threat. He glanced around the yard. “Where’s Mack, by the way?”

“He’s in the tent. He fell asleep waiting for you.” She glanced pointedly toward Daisy, who was lying down on a blanket, her eyes drifting closed. “Something tells me she’s going to miss those burgers, too.”

“No way,” Daisy murmured sleepily. “I’ve been waiting and waiting for them. And the marshmallows.”

“Then I will speed this production along,” Erik promised, fanning the charcoal and stirring the embers to life. “And when everything’s ready, we’ll wake Mack up.”

“Over my dead body,” Helen muttered. “Do you know how hard it is to get him back to sleep once he’s awake?”

“But that’s the fun of a campout,” Erik told her. “Staying awake all night is what it’s about.”

“Yea!” Daisy cheered, fully awake now. “I never stayed up all night before.”

“Come on, sugar, get with the program,” Erik told Helen. “We could use some music.”

“There’s a stereo system set up just inside the back door. Keep the sound down, though. The neighbors might not appreciate having classical music blaring at this time of night.”

Erik gave her a chiding look. “Classical music? I don’t think so. Forget the CDs. I’m going in to grab the bowl of potato salad. When I get back out here, we’ll sing.”

“Sing what?” Helen asked.

“‘Row, Row, Row Your Boat’ comes to mind,” he said. “Everybody knows that one, right, Daisy?”

“
I
do,” she said at once and began to sing loudly and tunelessly.

Erik grinned at Helen. “Now we have a campout!”

Judging from the sour look she gave him, she wasn’t all that impressed.

Two hours later, they’d run through all the songs he knew. Helen had chimed in from time to time, but it was evident that campfire songs were not her forte. Now the coals had died down and the kids were sound asleep inside the tent, despite their best efforts to stay awake. They’d filled up with hamburgers and burnt, gooey marshmallows and cherry Kool-Aid. The menu had been pretty disgusting by Erik’s culinary standards, but Daisy and Mack had loved it. Even Helen had gotten in to the marshmallow thing. She had the sticky residue at the corners of her lips.

Before he could stop himself or think about consequences, Erik impulsively cupped the back of her neck and moved in to savor the sweet marshmallow taste of her mouth.

When he released her, she swallowed hard and stared back at him. “What was
that
about?”

“Couldn’t resist,” he said with a shrug.

“Are you sure you weren’t trying to prove a point?” she asked.

He grinned at her suspicious expression. “Such as?”

“That you weren’t lying to Dana Sue when you implied that you were going to seduce me tonight.”

“There are two children in that tent,” he reminded her, injecting a self-righteous note into his voice. “I would never try to seduce you practically in front of them.”

“Would you ever try to seduce me at all?”

At the surprisingly wistful note in her voice, blood rushed to a part of his anatomy he’d been trying to ignore all night. “Are you saying you’d want me to?” he asked in a voice that had turned husky.

“I’m not sure,” she confessed. “I’ve thought about it, though.”

“Me, too.”

“Maybe we should keep thinking about it,” she said.

He nodded slowly. Given where they both were in their lives—on very different pages—her comment wasn’t a huge surprise. “Keep me posted on what you’re thinking, okay?”

Her lips curved slightly at that. “You’ll definitely be the first to know if I reach any conclusions.”

Erik forced himself to look away from the heat in her eyes. He stared at the dying embers of their barbecue and wished the heat roaring through his blood would fade as quickly. No, what he really wished was that it had never been ignited. The talk of seduction, the kiss, all of it was leading him down a road he’d vowed not to travel ever again, least of all with Helen.

“You go join the kids,” he said gruffly. “I’ll stay out here.”

“You’re not sleeping in the tent? Why?”

“It’s better that way,” he said.

Helen gave him a look that said she saw right through him. It wasn’t better. Just safer.

When the doorbell rang on a Sunday afternoon a few weeks after the campout, Helen’s heart seemed to stop. Even as Daisy and Mack ran toward it screaming, “Mommy! Mommy!” she was trying to come up with some way not to open the door at all.

It wasn’t as if it was the first time Karen had come to take the kids away. They’d been home for two-day visits half a dozen times now. This time, though, it would be for good. The brief visits had been such a success that Dr. McDaniels thought the time had come for the move home to be permanent. It was the day Helen had been dreading for a couple of months now.

Even so, she forced herself to open the door. But rather than finding Karen on the other side, she found Maddie and Dana Sue, laden down with grocery bags.

“What’s this?” she asked.

“We know today is going to be hard on you, so we brought supplies,” Dana Sue announced. “I brought the makings for nachos and a huge container of my spiciest guacamole.”

“And I brought the ingredients for margaritas,” Maddie said.

“You can’t drink,” Helen reminded her. “You’re pregnant.”

“No, but you can. And a nice frosty glass of limeade will make me feel as if I’m partying with you.”

Daisy stared up at Helen accusingly. “You’re having a party? How come? Is it ’cause we’re leaving? Are you glad?”

Helen scooped her up. “Absolutely not. I’m going to miss you and Mack like crazy.”

“Then can we stay for the party?” Daisy asked. “I love nachos.”

“Nachos!” Mack echoed enthusiastically.

Dana Sue grinned. “I’ll make them right this minute and you can have some before your mom gets here. Maddie, sit down before you tilt over. Your tummy’s the size of six watermelons. I don’t know how you stay upright at all. Something tells me that baby is going to come out fully grown and ready for college.”

“Obviously the doctor and I figured the due date all wrong. After my last sonogram, he told me this baby was going to be here a whole lot sooner than we’d expected,” Maddie said. She put a hand on her stomach. “I was so relieved I almost kissed him. I was beginning to think I’d explode if I really did have another month to go.” She eyed her favorite easy chair with skepticism. “There’s no way I’ll get out of that once I’m down.”

Helen grinned, thoroughly enjoying the spectacle of the girl who’d been the star of their ballet production when they were ten, now too cumbersome to move with any grace at all. “Not to worry. We’ll pull you up.”

“How? With a tow truck?”

“If need be,” Dana Sue said. “Now sit. I’ll be back in a minute. Helen, you can make limeade for Maddie and the kids and the margaritas for us, while I fix the nachos.”

As she was about to leave the room, Helen spotted Daisy inching shyly toward Maddie. When she was close enough, she put her tiny hand on Maddie’s stomach. “Is there a baby in there?”

Helen’s heart clenched at the awe in Daisy’s voice and the gentleness of her touch.

“There is,” Maddie confirmed. “You’re very smart.”

“Mack used to be inside my mommy. I remember.”

“You were inside your mommy, too,” Maddie told her.

Daisy looked intrigued. “I don’t remember that.”

“That’s because when babies are born there are so many new things to discover all around them that it makes them forget the warm, safe place they were before,” Maddie explained, her gaze lifting to meet Helen’s.

In that instant, Helen knew with absolute clarity what she wanted. Not just any baby, but her own baby. One
she’d sheltered and nurtured for nine months before bringing it into the world. She felt a need so powerful it nearly overwhelmed her. Afraid of what her expression might be revealing, she quickly followed Dana Sue into the kitchen and busied herself with making the drinks.

Dana Sue’s upbeat chatter washed over her without registering. All she could think about was that instant when everything had come together in her mind with startling clarity. A feeling of serenity stole over her then and stayed with her even after Karen arrived. It was still with her when Karen, Daisy and Mack walked away from the house for the last time.

Though she went back inside with tears in her eyes, her heart wasn’t nearly as heavy as she’d expected it to be. And that was because of the epiphany she’d had.

“Are you okay?” Maddie asked, studying her worriedly. “I know letting them go must have been hard, even though you’ve been preparing for it for a few weeks now.”

Helen nodded. “I just kept telling myself they’d be okay and that I’d see them soon. It’s not as if they’re moving to the other side of the world. They’ll be right across town. And Karen’s promised to bring them by whenever I invite them.”

“You’re calmer than I expected you to be,” Dana Sue said, her brow furrowing. “Why is that? Are you relieved to have your house to yourself again?”

“No, it’s not that at all,” Helen swore. “I just made peace with them going home.”

“I’m not buying it,” Dana Sue persisted, but then her expression turned sly. “Or did having Erik spend the night here a few weeks ago give you something else to think about? Has he been around more than I realized?”

Maddie stared at them. “Erik spent the night?”

“It was one night. We camped in the backyard,” Helen corrected. “With the kids.” She frowned at Dana Sue. “You bring that up every time I see you. You need to let it go. Don’t make it into something it wasn’t.”

“Well something helped you get through this afternoon,” Dana Sue said. “Having a man in your life would do that.”

“Maybe it was just having you guys here,” Helen suggested.

“I don’t buy it,” Dana Sue said again.

“Do you want her to be miserable, Dana Sue?” Maddie asked. “If she says she’s okay, we should take her word for it and be happy for her. This was a tough afternoon and she got through it without coming unglued. I’d say that deserves a toast.”

As Maddie lifted her glass, she suddenly winced and sucked in a deep breath.

“What?” Helen said at once, rushing to her side. “Are you okay, Maddie?”

“I’m not sure, but that could have been a contraction,” Maddie admitted.

Helen regarded her with alarm. “How can you not be sure? You’ve had four other kids. Shouldn’t you know a contraction when you’re having one?”

“I’ve had a few twinges off and on for a few hours now,” Maddie said. “I thought it was because I overdid it helping Cal move some things around in the new playroom upstairs.” She took a deep breath, then nodded. “Yes, I’m sure that’s all it was. See, I’m fine. Nothing to worry about.”

Dana Sue said worriedly, “Maybe we should go to the hospital and let you get checked out, anyway. You shouldn’t be moving furniture this late in your pregnancy. I’m surprised Cal let you.”

Maddie rolled her eyes. “Are you kidding? He let me carry a few toys across the room. When I tried to move the rocking chair, he went crazy and insisted I sit down in it and just tell him where I wanted everything else.”

“But you’re feeling okay now?” Helen asked. “No more twinges?”