Feeling This (24 page)

I love you,

Susan

By the time I finish reading the letter four times, I’m out of energy and my eyes are blurry from the tears threatening to spill out. I knew what the letter would say but her words hit me so hard. If only I would have known, I could have helped. I sit silently, listening to the crickets chirp nearby as the darkness settles further. I have a sudden need to see Kimber, to be somewhere other than here. But instead of getting up because that would require energy, which has leaked out of me completely, I lean back against the hard wood and tip the bottle, savoring the warmth trailing down my throat.

***

I wake to a clacking sound against the hardwood and the warmth of the rising sun. The air is thickening, making it hard to breath. Before I open my eyes I know where I am, still in the gazebo. I’m thankful my parents didn’t come out to wake me up. When I roll over I forget how narrow the bench is and fall to the floor knocking the breath out of me. My mom’s worried voice follows with her hand on my arm, “Jordan are you alright?”

I nod and squint into the rising sun. She helps me stand up on wobbly legs. I really overdid the drinking last night. I think I still might be drunk. She stoops down, picking up the letter and holds it out to me. I fold it, placing it back into the envelope and pocket it. She looks up into my face with a pained expression full of sympathy. I definitely can’t stay. As soon as I kick this hangover, I’m out of here. She loops her arm through mine and we walk toward the house without a word. No words are necessary. The Weller’s visit last night revealed terrible news but it still doesn’t change the fact that Susan is gone from our lives.

Chapter Twenty Six

I roll over to the sound of Momma’ s scratchy voice, “Kimber, better get yer butt up. Mrs. Bruin is a savior, don’t want to disappoint her.”

Did she really just say that? I have half a mind to run in there and tell her she doesn’t even know the half of it; that we would be on the street if it weren’t for Mrs. Bruin. But instead I roll over and pull the pillow over my head, trying to drown out her incessant harassment. My mind drifts to Jordan and how his incredible body moved lithely through the field yesterday. His shirt was slung over his shoulder displaying perfectly, darkened skin. He is starting to look like the others with a permanent tan from working out in the sun all day. I shake myself out of it and curse my stupid mind. Jordan is off limits. I worried last night that maybe he’s left and gone back to Dallas, that is if he really is from Dallas. He could have been telling everyone a story.

I slide out from my blanket and tip-toe to the bathroom. Momma is still talking loudly as if we’re having a conversation. I’m about to close the bathroom door when I hear her voice lower uttering, “Yeah, just bring it by around eleven.”

I’m tempted to march out there and demand to know who is coming and what they are bringing but I already have the answer to the second part of that question. I suspect who it is she is talking to. I close the door on her conversation and make the decision to call Jenna on the way to class. So help me if she is still bringing Momma alcohol, I’m going to kill her.

Jenna picks up on the first ring when I call her.

“Hey Kimber, what’s up?”

I start in on her, full of fury, “I can’t believe you. I thought I got the point across that you are not to come to the house.”

Silence spreads then her voice turns defensive, ”First off, I can come to the house if I want to. I grew up there too and she is my momma too. But I have no idea what you’re talkin’ about. I’m not going to the house.”

“Well then who is? I overheard her talking to someone on the phone telling them to come at eleven.”

Jenna replies with, “I have no idea Kimber, but it’s not me.”

I take a deep breath knowing that I am probably going to regret my next question but I’m pretty much out of options. “Jenna, can you come at eleven then to intercept whoever it is? She doesn’t need any more bottles.” My voice softens, “I’m watching it kill her.”

“Um, yeah I guess I can. You know she’s gonna kick me out as soon as I get there?”

“I know, just make sure she doesn’t get any more alcohol. She’s gotta kick this.”

I hang up half relieved that Jenna will be here. I’m not totally confident in her ability to keep it away from Momma but she’ll have to do.

I pull up to the college and look up just as Andrew is crossing the parking lot. Somehow seeing him makes me yearn for Jordan.
Dammit!
I climb out of the car with my head angled down and walk straight to class. When I enter the room, I look up to find a seat and meet Andrew’s gaze. He is staring at me, with that longing stare. I look away sorry I ever started anything with him in the first place.
Way to go Kimber.

Andrew has pretty much taken over the class now. Dr. Jones either sits in the corner observing or he’s not even present. A few times during the lecture, Andrew’s eyes land on me. It makes me squirm. I was pretty clear with him; maybe he didn’t get the memo.

As class is ending, I rush to gather my things but I’m too late. He climbs the two steps to my seat and stands, looking down at me. It brings back de`ja`vu’ from that day he showed back up in my life. He asks quietly, “Kimber, can we talk?”

I stare at the floor, knowing that if I look up I’ll agree.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. We already talked, remember?” I can’t help it at this point; I peek up at him to gauge his reaction.

“I know, we did. I think we can make it work though.”

Oh my fucking God! Is he really saying this to me? Why does no one in this place ever take my word at face value? I place my hand on his chest,
big
mistake
. He grasps my hand in his lovingly. I pull my hand away and turn from him. I can tell he is following me out the door. When I get out into the warm air I turn around to find him just a step behind me. I back up and explain as calmly as my temper will allow, “Andrew, you are a wonderful person. We were really good together in high school but we aren’t anymore. There is no more
us
so please, you have my blessing, move on.”

He glares at me and asks, “Is this about that new guy around town? I heard some things but I didn’t believe them. But it’s true isn’t it? You fucked him. A new guy comes to town and you jump his bones the first chance you get.”

I wince at his accusation but also because I didn’t think of it like that. I had sex with Jordan but I didn’t exactly see it as I fucked him. That’s what Heidi does often, right? No feelings involved. My eyes fill up with the emotion this all brings up in me. I hiss at him, pointing my finger into his chest, “If you don’t remember, I’ll refresh your memory. Not long ago, I jumped you and you wanted nothing to do with me so don’t give me crap. If you’re jealous, fine be jealous but don’t be pissed at me cause you had your chance and it’s passed you by.”

Just as the first tear spills, I hear Heidi’s voice in my ear and feel her hand around my arm, “Hey Kimber, c’mon, we’re gonna be late for class.”

I let her pull me away, glaring at Andrew the whole way. A grimace settles over his features and he calls behind us, “You two are meant to be together, sluts.”

Heidi turns around and steps in his direction but I grab her arm and mutter, “Class remember? He’s not worth it.”

She hugs me to her side as we walk to class. She calls out to all the widened eyes along the path and halls, “Show’s over. Get a life.”

***

When I get to the ranch, I feel rotten. My sister didn’t pick up when I tried calling to make sure she made it over to the house. And the whole Andrew bit? If more is to come today, it might just push me over the edge.

Mrs. Bruin is baking away today for a church event the next day so I am once again in charge of the boys. This time, I talk them into going to the lake. I know it won’t make things any better but I just want to see Jordan. If only from afar, I’ll be satisfied. But when we get to the lake the fields are empty except for the cows and horses off in the distance. I lay in the grass for a good hour until Michael begs me too many times to jump in with them.

Once we get back to the house, Mrs. Bruin is waiting with a plate for Momma letting me go home early. I want to know where Jordan is but I’m scared to ask. I have a horrible feeling he left and he’s not coming back. As mad as I am at him, I don’t know that it sits well with me.

Chapter Twenty Seven

I drive to the motel in the evening after the alcohol from last night wears off. My mom was severely upset that I was leaving so soon but I have no reason to be there anymore. My place is somewhere else as I remember the night with Kimber. It wasn’t something that I planned but now that it happened I’m sure it wasn’t just a one night fling. When she’s around, I forget about things. She’s a bright light when everything else is darkened. I need that bright light and I need to somehow prove that I am worthy of her to forgive me.

When I enter the Ugly Duckling, a high shrilled voice calls out, “Oh man, there he is now, speak of the devil.”

I know it’s Heidi calling out and I’m convinced she’s talking about me. I make my way over to the bar and lean in next to her. She eyes me curiously waving her hand around, “You’re in trouble big boy. By the way, where have you been?”

I slide into the stool and shake my head while searching the room for Kimber. Derek comes into my line of vision telling me, “It’s not a good idea dude. She doesn’t want to see you.”

I take a deep breath and explain, “It was a misunderstanding. Can you just get her so I can explain?”

Heidi starts laughing next to me. I turn to glare at her and she laughs harder. “Have you learned nothing about Kimber since you’ve been here? She holds grudges and you are the recipient of one right now. It’s probably best you head out and go to bed. Maybe try again tomorrow.”

I cross my arms over my chest and lean back in the stool. Derek turns the other way and Heidi starts talking to another girl on her other side of her. I notice it’s the same girl that gave me Kimber’s phone number. This brings to mind her phone. I pull my phone out to call her. She answers on the first ring and starts before I can say anything, ”Jordan, go home. I don’t want to see you.”