Feeling This (19 page)

Jordan

The scene that played out between Heidi and
Kimber could have been from a book. Kimber was obviously annoyed with her
friend and embarrassed by her. I understood as soon as the black haired dude
walked up to the table and directed his attention to Kimber. A feeling came
over me when she left with him. I’m pretty sure it was jealousy which I’m pretty
pissed at myself for feeling.

Then as if my thoughts not being in the
right place weren’t enough, Heidi sat back down and watched me eat the burger
that replaced the shepherd’s pie. She apologized profusely for being rude and
assured me over and over that the guy Kimber left with was nobody, and
definitely not her boyfriend. A part of me was relieved to hear it but I still
wondered why she left with him. Finally, she got the hint, when I didn’t
respond, that the conversation was one sided so she left. Now I’m determined to
head straight back to the motel and get a good night’s sleep.

***

When Monday rolls around I’m looking
forward to going back to the ranch. I didn’t take yesterday off as Mr. Bruin had
suggested. He put me to work which helped keep my mind off of not only Susan
but also the thoughts that keep creeping in about Kimber. The vision of her
reluctance to leave the diner Saturday night keeps running through my mind. As
much as I try to push her out, those stormy eyes keep popping back into my
head.

I pull up to the house as I’ve done the
past three mornings. Mr. Bruin comes down the steps and walks out to the barn
with me. Today Joe directs me to get Gypsy ready. We’re riding out to herd the
cattle to the outer fields. I’m eager to get back up on a horse. It’s been a
while since I’ve ridden. When I was nine and my sister Corrine was seven, my
parents took us for horseback riding lessons. My sister loved it more than I
did. She ended up competing until she was seventeen. I learned how to play polo
and played occasionally at the club but that is the extent of it.

I climb up onto Gypsy as soon as I saddle
her up. She is a sweet horse. Mike has already given me hassle for the liking
she has taken to me, as he put it. I follow Joe out. He’s on a brown and white
stud named Link. He states while we ride out to the nearest pasture, “You
aren’t a stranger to horses, huh?”

I don’t comment on his implication. The
less they know about me, the better.

He probes further, “Where’d you say you
learned to ride?”

“I didn’t.”

A frown knits across his brow but he looks
ahead. Besides giving me direction to herd the cows, he doesn’t mention
anything personal again. The day goes pretty fast. Around mid-day when we’re
about to break for lunch my phone vibrates. I reach for it as Joe announces
that he’s heading back to the barn, and turns Link around. He doesn’t look back
as I answer my phone. I’m distracted by Gypsy so I don’t look at the screen to
see who it is.

“Hello.”

“Jordan, hi it’s Dan, Susan’s father.”

My heart falters at the mention of her name
out loud. Then confusion fills me temporarily making me speechless.

“Jordan, son, are you there?”

Pain spreads at his choice of words, as if
the wound is newly opened.

I stutter, “Y…Yes, hi Mr. Weller.” I don’t
bother to ask how he is. I can tell by the tone in his voice that he’s still
hurting but trying to mask it. The same thing I’m doing 150 miles away in a
town where I’m a nobody. I run my hand through my hair and lean over trying to
catch my breath that has suddenly sped up.

“Jordan, I was calling, well your mother
said you were out of town for a while. I wanted to call and find out when you
plan on coming back.”

I frown at this. Unless my parents asked
him to call, he really has no reason.

“Um, Mr. Weller, I have something I need to
do. I can’t talk right now.”

“Sorry, I just wanted to have that talk
with you, son. It can wait though. Give me a call when you get back into town.”

“I’ll do that sir.”

I press the end button, curious about what
this is all about. The day of her funeral, he wanted to talk but I wasn’t
ready. That must be it. I didn’t think anything of it. I slide the phone back
into my pocket and turn to Gypsy, patting her head. I have the feeling suddenly
that someone is staring at me. I look around and Joe is across the field
waiting with Link looking over in my direction. He was out of ear shot but I
know he must be wondering what I’m doing. I can only imagine what he thinks now
with my reaction to the phone call.

I nudge Gypsy and she trots over to Joe and
Link. Joe nods at me and turns in the direction of the barn. After a few horse
lengths he turns and calls over his shoulder, “Jordan, we’re a family here, if
you need to talk anytime.”

I meet his stare and nod. My heart feels as
if it’s been trampled on all over again. They say time heals but I’m not so
sure.

We are the last to get to the barn again.
Kimber is there handing out lunches. When Joe steps down from Link she walks up
and tries to give him a lunch. She has jeans and a yellow tank top on. The
yellow against her pale skin accentuates its glow. I climb down and move my
gaze from her thinking about Susan and the conversation I just had with her
father.

Joe spits to the side and teases, “Hey
girl, if your sister won’t give me the time of day, maybe I’m looking in the
wrong place.” At the end of his sentence, he hands the reigns for Link to me
and scoops her up and over his shoulder. She starts screaming and laughing,
“Joe Story, you put me down right this minute.”

He laughs, plopping her down on a bale of
hay a few feet away. Then he comes over and grabs the reigns for Link and Gypsy
from me. I protest, “Hey Joe, I can get the horses.”

He shakes his head heading into the barn,”
No Jordan, you go get some lunch, I got ‘em.”

Kimber calls after him as she stands up to
brush the hay from her jeans, “You’ll have no chance with Jenna if you do that
again!” Then she turns to look at me. A shy smile creeps across her lips so she
looks away and walks toward the wagon. I take a step forward but she turns
before I can go any farther. She grabs a lunch and spins around to hand it to
me explaining, “Jordan, I’m sorry about yesterday.”

I take the lunch and ask her, “What are you
sorry about?”

She seems to stall and frowns for a minute
before answering, “Nothing, I guess, I’m sorry for Heidi.” Her cheeks start to
turn pink and the look on her face deepens. I know what she’s talking about but
I can’t acknowledge anything with her. If I keep my distance she won’t get hurt
because I have nothing to give. I look away, not making any recognition of her
statement.

She shifts on her feet for a minute before
stomping back toward the wagon. As she stalks back toward the house I watch her
body move lithely through the grass and have the urge to run after her to
apologize for my rudeness but I stay where I am. It’s best for both of us.

Joe comes up behind me a minute later and
claps me on the shoulder. He tells me quietly, “Jordan, I don’t know what your
story is but I do know that look. I’ve been lookin’ at her sister like that for
years. She won’t return my feelings. But why when two people who are obviously
attracted to each other, don’t act on it, is beyond me.”

I glance down to the ground without
acknowledging his observation. He strolls away toward the other men. Suddenly
being in a town where no one knows anything about me is getting complicated.

Kimber

After I came home from my non-date with
Andrew, I felt terrible for hurting his feelings and even worse, I was upset
that I gave Jordan the wrong impression that Andrew means something to me. I’m
sure he thought we were dating. The more I sit and think about the whole thing,
the more my mind is made up to make a move toward Jordan. Just thinking about
him does something to my insides.

Momma was difficult as usual. I had all day
Sunday off, intending to get caught up on some sleep and fitting in some
playing. It’s been a while since I’ve had a moment to work on songs or just
play without any interruptions. But Momma had other plans. She had a lot of
problems walking which caused her to yell for me. Of course, I was right there
just as she fell again. But I noticed on her night table another half empty
bottle and knew she didn’t fall from the disease.

I coaxed her back into bed and asked as
sweetly as I could, “Momma, where’d you get that bottle?”

She waved her hand around and answered
without her wits about her, “Your sister of course, it’s the least she could do
since she don’t show her face ‘round here.”

My blood boils and I march out of the room.
She calls out behind me, “Don’t give her a hard time. She jus’ wants was’ best
for her Momma.” Her speech slurs the more she speaks and my shoulders clench
with each word she utters.

When I get to my room I look around and
hate everything about it suddenly. The peeling pale blue walls that I helped
Momma paint when we moved here, the dirty brown carpet underfoot and my white
outdated furniture that really isn’t white anymore, more of a yellowed with age
color.

I crash into my bed and grab for my phone,
hitting Jenna’s name. She picks up on the first ring, “Hey sis, how’s it
going?”

“Not so good Jenna. Momma fell today and it
wasn’t from the MS.”

Silence spreads on the other end, then her
voice changes from cheery to reserved, “I guess she told you then huh.”

“Jenna, I just poured a bottle out the day
before yesterday. Why are you enabling her?”

Before she can respond, I continue on my
rant, “Actually is that your MO? You come in here, buy Momma a bottle to make
peace with her and figure ‘oh yeah, Kimber will pick up the pieces, she always
does’?”

She becomes defensive, “I wasn’t comin’
back after the other day. She kicked me out and told me she never wanted to see
me again. Then yesterday she called and said she was sorry for saying the
things she said.”

I finish for her, “And she asked you to
bring a bottle and now you’re good with her again.”

She doesn’t respond.

“Jenna, this is not fair. Don’t you see
that the more she drinks, the worse she gets? Is that what you want, her to die
because she’s a drunk?”

Her voice turns angry, “Kimber, she’s dyin,’
you know that. It’s happening slowly and she hates it. I know you can see that.
The alcohol lets her stay numb to it. I get it and if that is what will help
her deal with her fate, I’m all for it.”

I mutter, “As long as you aren’t around to
see it.”

Then with finality I tell her, “I don’t
know why you’re still hanging around but while you’re here don’t come and see
Momma. As much as you think it helps, it doesn’t. You aren’t here to pick her
up when she falls or clean up her vomit when she drinks too much. Just stay
away Jenna.”

I hit the end button before she can argue
with me anymore and collapse back onto my bed. I roll over onto my side and let
the tears that are just brimming on the surface pour out onto my pillow, for my
momma who is slowly dying and for my sorry existence in this godforsaken place.
Times like now I wish I were more like Jenna, not caring, selfish and able to
leave.

***

Monday brings with it a renewed view of
what I decided yesterday. I know I’ll see Jordan at the ranch today and I’m
going to feel him out to see if he’s interested. It scares the shit out of me
but it feels right. I’ve never been more attracted to anyone before, not even
Andrew.

Speaking of Andrew, I get the cold shoulder
all through class this morning from him. He doesn’t glance my way or even
acknowledge me when I try to answer a question he’s posed to the class.

I gave Heidi the silent treatment in
writing. She tried to talk to me but I held my ground. She knows I won’t hold a
grudge longer than the duration of the class but I had to prove a point. She
pushed it too far on Saturday.  On our way out of class she catches up and
walks alongside of me for a few minutes, before muttering, “Sorry Kimber.”