Feeling This (18 page)

Kimber

When I got home today it was worse than I
thought it would be. Momma laid on the guilt thick. She told me she thought I
had left her just like Jenna. Then she proceeded to yell at me for getting rid
of her only peace these days, her bottle of vodka, and questioned where I had
been all night. She accused me of sleeping around like ‘that girl’ as she
refers to Heidi. I listened to every word without any response. I already felt
horrible for staying out all night and it’s a moot point to defend Heidi to
her. What she says about her is true to fact. She sleeps around and doesn’t
give a shit about what people think. Sometimes I wish I didn’t care so much. I
didn’t tell her where I was because I’m not quite sure how I feel about that
part. In fact I’m not sure I’ll even tell Heidi that I stayed in Jordan’s motel
room. For one, she’ll give me hell because nothing happened and second, I don’t
know the answers to the questions that are bound to come out of her mouth about
him.

Once Momma was done with me I hit the
shower and went to bed. I needed a nap because sleep took a while to come last
night. Just thinking about him has me questioning what I
did
see in
Andrew. Yes, Andrew is sexy and steamy but every time I think about him, my
mind drifts to Jordan. I don’t know much about him and he wasn’t willing to
share but he really puts Andrew to shame. Where Andrew is tall, Jordan is
taller. Where Andrew is defined, Jordan is ripped . And where Andrew is sweet
and caring, Jordan is a gentleman in comparison. I drift off wondering what it
would be like to kiss him. I’m sure it would be heart stopping if just being
around him brings up my body temperature.

My cell phone vibrates on the table next to
my bed waking me up. I grab for the phone expecting Heidi’s face to light up
the screen but instead a number appears that I don’t recognize. I push the answer
button and rub the sleep out of my eyes as I sit up, “Hello?”

Andrew’s voice fills my ear, “Kimber, How
are you?”

Shit.
Why in
the hell is he calling me especially after taking off with some other chick
last night? But really, we aren’t a couple. I have no reason to be upset.

“Kimber? You there?”

I clear my voice, “Um, yeah, hi Andrew.”

“I was calling to make sure we’re still on
for tonight.”

“Uh, yeah, I guess we are. What are we
doing?” I’m so confused. Why is he even bothering with me? Do I really want to
go out with him? Thoughts of Jordan skitter through my mind.

“Kimber, did you hear me?”

I rush out, “Oh, ah, sorry, no. What did
you say?”

His voice turns concerned, “Are you
alright? Should I call you later?”

“No! I mean, I just, just woke up from a
nap. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. You probably needed a nap. How about
we meet at Mary’s Diner at 6:30 for something to eat then we can decide what to
do after that?”

“Okay, see you then.” I hang up as fast as
I can. What the hell Kimber? Why would you even agree to see him?

I immediately get on the phone to Heidi.

She chides me the minute I tell her I’m
going through with the date, “Kimber Maguire, have you learned nothing from me?
If a man is seeing other women, you do not agree to a date.”

I chuckle, “No, you did not just say that.
Since when are you into one woman men? You sleep with just about anything that
walks.”

She clucks her tongue at me, “No Kimber, I
do not. I will only sleep with them if they are unattached. No one, I have had
a casual thing with has blatantly flaunted in front of me that they are seeing
other people. The men I sleep with know that if they want to keep getting a
taste of Heidi, they better keep whoever else they’re tasting; on the down and
low.”

I shake my head at her. I think she gets cruder
with age.

“Okay Heidi, but really it was just
secondhand information. Becca said she saw him leave with Dana. I didn’t
actually see him.”

“Whatever you say, I’m coming with you
though. You need a copilot to tell you no.”

I hiss at her, “I’m a grown woman, I need
no such thing. I can handle things. Weren’t you the one telling me that I needed
to hit that, referring to Andrew?”

“Well that was before certain, other
developments happened,” She coughs and says, “Jordan.”

I knew it would come up.  I don’t have an
answer for her though, let alone myself. I know he is intriguing but I’m not
sure if anything else is there. The more I think about today with my broken car,
the more I keep telling myself that he was just doing what he was obviously
raised to do. He was being nice and making sure I could get home, that is all.

“Hello Kimber, you still there?”

“Yeah, you don’t need to come. I’ll be
fine.”

“I’ll be at your house around 6:10, see ya
then.” And she hangs up. Did I mention how frustrating she is?

***

When we get to the diner, I walk in first
and scan the room for Andrew. He’s not here but I notice Jordan immediately. He
is still dressed in the black shirt and jeans from this morning and he looks
tired. When my eyes rove over to him, he meets my gaze. His intense blue eyes
seem to bore through me. I feel as if he can see right through me. Looking away
back to Heidi, I tell her, “I don’t think this was a good idea.”

She looks up spotting Jordan and smiles. I
can tell it’s her sneaky smile and I already know what’s going through her head
before she even acts. She takes my hand and pulls me in the direction of the
booth where Jordan is sitting. When we get there she asks him if he’s going to
ask us to join him. Of course as nice as he is, he asks if we will join him,
calling us ladies. She pushes me in and I’m completely embarrassed at her
outburst about the shepherd’s pie. I agree with her, it’s completely inedible
but everything with Heidi is a show. She has to put so much drama into all
aspects of her life and mine.

When I squirm uncomfortably, Jordan looks
over at me like he’s concerned but then he looks away suddenly as if a wave of
sadness just hit him. I’m about to turn and tell Heidi we need to leave when
the bell on the door rings and she exclaims, “Oh yeah, this just got very
interesting.”

I just want to sink into the booth and
disappear. I know Andrew is now in the diner. I look across the table and
apologize as much as I can to Jordan with a look, for my rude best friend and
for whatever might go down in the next few minutes.

Heidi grabs my hand under the table and
squeezes before saying sweetly, “Well hello Andrew, fancy meeting you here.”

I risk a glance in Andrew’s direction and
he’s staring at me, frowning. I can’t let her go on; she’ll make us all suffer
at her expense. I squeeze her hand back clenching it too tightly and exclaim in
the sweetest voice I can muster, “Hi Andrew, it’s so good to see you. Heidi,
will you excuse me so I can get out of the booth?”

Pulling her hand away, she looks over at me
shocked and whispers, “Ow Kimber, that hurt.”

I plant a smile across my face and stare at
her intently. She huffs and scoots out of the booth. I grab her hand again
softly this time and tell her, “Thanks for the ride Heidi.”

She whispers back, “I don’t think this is a
good idea. What about Jordan? I think he really likes you.”

I shake my head, glaring at her, “No, he’s
just a nice guy being generous. You practically bullied him into letting us sit
down.”

 I turn to Andrew before she can say
anything else to change my mind and ask, “Are you ready? I think maybe we
should go and eat somewhere else.”

He nods and gestures for me to walk ahead
of him to the door. That trek to the exit seems to last forever and the only things
running through my mind are Heidi’s words, “I think he likes you.” If he did
like me, he doesn’t now. I’ve gone and ruined it.

Once we step out into the hot air Andrew’s
hand lands open palmed in the center of my back. I have a sudden urge to squirm
away and run back into the diner. But what would that prove; that I’m just a
crazy chick with all kinds of problems. Instead, I plaster that smile on again
and slide into the car when he unlocks the door.

He doesn’t say a word when he gets in.
Instead he starts the car and drives out onto the road that will take us to
Interstate 30. Once there he turns opposite of down town. I look over curious
as to where we’re going. He explains without looking at me, “This town suddenly
got a little crowded. I think we’ll go over to Mount Pleasant and find
somewhere else to eat.”

I look away ashamed because he feels
uncomfortable but he shouldn’t because there is nothing between Jordan and I.
Wow, what is happening to me? Usually I have no problems speaking my mind. I
turn in my seat and face him, “Andrew, what is the deal?”

His voice takes on an angry tone, “Well
Kimber let’s see. We make plans to meet for dinner and you’re sitting with some
dude when I get there.”

Anger starts to surface in me. I put my
hand on his arm and tell him, “Can you pull over for a minute?”

He averts his eyes briefly to look over at
me. He gauges how serious I am and sighs pulling to the side of the road just
before the on ramp to the highway.

“Andrew, I don’t know what this is between
us. I heard last night at the Duck that you were there and suddenly you
weren’t. Then tonight this jealous thing you have going on, the guy at the
table was no one. Heidi met him last night at the Duck and she asked if we
could sit down.” I close my mouth quickly realizing that I actually shouldn’t
have to explain anything and really it’s none of his business who Jordan is.

He turns to look at me, leaning closer.

“Kimber, I’d like us to be something. I
thought you understood that when I asked you to go out with me tonight.”

“I thought that was the case but then I
hear you left with Dana last night.”

As soon as this leaves my lips, I regret
it. Thinking about it, I really don’t care. Suddenly as if something has been
switched inside me, a relationship with Andrew does nothing for me.

He leans forward without answering me and
places his hand on my cheek. His face moves so close his breath splays across
my lips. I force myself to look into his eyes. He looks at me intently but it’s
not the look I want. Bright blue eyes flash in my mind. I pull my face away
from his grasp and his lips that were only a few inches away.

I glance out the window and tell him,
“Andrew, can you just take me home?”

His voice sounds frustrated, “Kimber, why
do you do this? You can’t ever make up your mind. We aren’t exclusive. Dana
came onto me last night but it didn’t mean anything.”

I whip my head around to look at him in
shock, “You mean you did leave with Dana last night. I practically jumped your
bones and you wanted nothing to do with me. Here Dana comes onto you and you go
home with her.”

I shake my head, knowing now for sure that
Andrew doesn’t deserve the pedestal I always put him on.

“Andrew, just take me home.”

 “Come on, Kimber. You’ve always been the
one I wanted. When you broke it off I had a really hard time coping.”

I jump in, ”So you slept with everything
that came near you. I knew it. I didn’t want to believe it but…good to know.”

“Dammit, Kimber, Why do you have to be such
a snob? You know it was always supposed to be you and me. I thought when I came
back we could finally make it work. I gave you the space I thought you wanted.”

“Then why did you go with Dana if you were
so sure?”

“That’s it, I wasn’t sure. You’re always
doing the best thing for everyone else but when are you going to do what’s best
for you? I wanted you so bad that night but I didn’t want it to be just a one
night thing. I asked you to go out with me tonight so we could start over. But
here we are arguing and we haven’t even started anything yet. I don’t know what
you want.”

I glance into his sad eyes knowing that
I’ve hurt him once again, without even meaning to.

I whisper, “I don’t know either.”

He shifts the car into gear without a word
and turns it back toward town. He doesn’t utter another word until we are in
the dirt drive in front of my house. A light shines in Momma’s bedroom window.
I put my hand on the door handle and push. As I’m about to get out of the car
he rests his hand on my arm so I turn to look over. He softly tells me, “When
you do decide what you want, I might not be here.”

I nod, “I know.” And I climb out of the car,
watching him back out before turning to the house. I feel remorse for having
hurt Andrew again but it’s better this way. I refuse to lead him on.