Fated (28 page)

He
was panting when he finally opened his eyes again. He looked at me with an
unreadable expression, and then collapsed, taking care not to crush me as he
fell on his side so that he was braced against the back of the sofa, his legs
thrown over me. He pulled me close, leaning over to kiss me softly before
wrapping his arms around me.

The
reality of what we had just done dawned on me. “We didn’t use a condom,” I
whispered. “You know I’m not on birth control.”

Caden
breathed in deeply, tightening his grip. His voice was low when he spoke. “I
know. I didn’t want to use one. I’m sorry if that upsets you.”

I
had to sort out my thoughts for a few moments. I wasn’t sure how I felt. The
consequences of our actions scared me, but for the first time the thought of
being pregnant, the thought of being a mother, didn’t terrify me. I decided not
to examine it further than that. It was enough for tonight.

“No,
I’m not upset.” I turned my head and kissed the edge of his stubbled jaw. “It
felt amazing.”

It
would have been much more comfortable to go to the bedroom, but neither of us
made a move in that direction. It was as if we were afraid to break the spell
of the moment. I turned on my side so that I was facing him, wrapping my arm
around him and burying my face in his neck. We fell asleep in that position,
the hope blooming in my heart lulling me to sleep.

Chapter Twenty

It
was frightening to see Michael look so weak the next day when we went to visit,
but at least he was awake. He was unable to talk with the breathing tube hooked
into his throat, but his eyes followed us around. His eyes brightened when he
saw Millie, and she leaned over and murmured to him for a long time while
holding his hand. His strained face seemed to ease as he listened to her,
reassured by words the rest of us couldn’t hear.

Caden’s
face was tense when he approached Michael. Michael’s lips moved over the
breathing tube, as if he was frustrated by the inability to talk.

“Michael,”
he said, his voice low. “I didn’t mean the things I said to you at your house.
You’ve done nothing but try to help me my entire life, even when I pushed you
away. I need you to get well so you can tell me when I’m acting like an ass.”

I
wanted to look away, feeling like I was intruding on a private moment, but I
couldn’t take my eyes away from Caden’s anguished face. Millie, her sister and
her brother-in-law were also silent, although I saw Millie wiping away tears.

Caden’s
voice lowered even more as he spoke as though he were in a confessional. “I
told you that I couldn’t choose my father, but I was wrong. You were more my
father than my biological one ever was. I chose you to be my father, even
though I never acknowledged you with the title. You and Millie have treated me
like a son my entire life.” Caden took a long shuddering breath before
continuing, and I ached for the pain ravaging his face. “Michael, I…I love you.
I need you in my life.”

Michael’s
hand twitched towards Caden, reaching for him. Caden grasped his hand between
his and bowed his head. Millie placed her hand on Caden’s back, her face a
mixture of hope and fear. We stayed in Michael’s room for a long time, each of
us taking turns to talk to him, even me. I was nervous when I approached him,
unsure of what to say, but I could have sworn I saw a flicker of humor in his
eyes, as if he were sharing a joke about how he was amused that we were all
doting over him unnecessarily. It made me relax, and I talked to him about
nothing important, the words not mattering as much as the human connection.

Michael
died at 3:26 that afternoon. He went into sudden cardiac arrest and we stood by
helplessly as doctors used the defibrillator and tried to resuscitate him, but
they were unable to save him. Dr. Reynolds was full of sympathy when she
delivered the news, but her words were drowned out by Millie’s cries of grief.
Cynthia embraced her sister as she sobbed, tears running down her own face.
Caden stood by stoically, his face devoid of emotion, and I wondered if he was
in shock. He looked at me blankly when I reached out to touch him, desperately
wanting him to know that he wasn’t alone.

Millie
and Caden were allowed to see Michael one last time. Millie was still crying
when they came back out, and Caden’s arm was around her, supporting her, but
his face was still impassive.

“Let’s
go home, Millie,” Cynthia said softly. “Reggie will handle all the hospital
paperwork. You need to get some rest.”

Millie
looked up at Caden. “Come with us. You shouldn’t be alone right now. You should
be with family.”

Caden’s
face paled, as if her words hurt him rather than helping him. He shook his head
and his voice was gentle when he spoke. “I’m okay, Millie. Go with Cynthia.
I’ll be in touch about the arrangements for the funeral. I’ll handle
everything.”

Despite
her grief, Millie’s face took on a determined look. “I won’t have you going
home to an empty house. Not today.”

I
slipped my hand into Caden’s, and his grip tightened almost to the point of
pain. I knew that despite his lack of external emotion, he was hurting badly.

“I’ll
be with him, Millie,” I said, trying to reassure her. “I promise not to leave
him alone.”

Millie
seemed placated, but she made Caden promise to call her the next day. We
watched as they left and then I turned to Caden. I didn’t know what to say to
him. Nothing I said would alleviate the pain that I could see was crushing him.
I feared saying the wrong thing, so I didn’t say anything at all. His hand
clutching mine told me that my presence was enough, so we were silent on the
cab ride back to his townhouse.

Caden
poured himself a glass of scotch when we got back to his place, wordlessly
handing me a glass as well. I held mine without drinking it, watching him throw
his back in one gulp. I sat close to him on the sofa, and I took his hand,
stroking it gently.

“Do
you want to talk?” I asked softly.

Caden
grimaced, closing his eyes. “I have nothing to say.”

I
hesitated before replying. I didn’t want to force him to talk if he didn’t want
to, but I didn’t want him to close himself off either. I had a feeling he was
saying ugly things to himself inside his head.

“Do
you want to talk about how you feel?”

His
eyes opened as his lips twisted into a sardonic smile. “Is this your psych
major rearing its head? Are you going to guide me through the grieving stages
of death?”

I
took a deep breath and set my glass on the table, not wanting to get upset with
Caden. I knew it was his pain talking. “I just want to help you. I’m sorry if
I’m not saying the right thing. Tell me what you need from me.”

His
disdainful look crumpled as he pulled me towards him and he buried his head
against my neck.

“I’m
sorry,” he muttered, his voice muffled. “I don’t mean to be such a dick.”

I
stroked his back and kissed the side of his head, tenderness and the desire to
protect him overwhelming me. “It’s okay. Just tell me how to help you.”

I
felt his lips moving against my neck, his breath hot against my skin as I felt
the rasp of his tongue flicking behind my ear. The need to comfort was quickly
joined by a fierce need to be with him at the most basic level, combining into
a powerful desire to both protect and please.

“Just
be with me,” he said hoarsely. “That’s all I need.”

We
came together in a way that left me shattered. I had always felt Caden’s
desire, his need to find his release in me and to push me to my own, but this
time I felt his need to lose himself in me. Every groan, every muffled sound of
pleasure, every stroke bringing us closer to climax, seemed to meld us closer
together until I couldn’t tell where I started and he ended. We moved in
perfect synchronization as we strained towards the release that would make us
forget all the pain, if only for a few moments. When he came inside me, filling
me, it felt life-affirming, and I clasped him to me, not caring that we were
tempting fate.

Afterwards,
we rolled to our sides so that we were facing each other, still intimately
connected. My heart surged and I didn’t say the words out loud, but I could see
my love for him reflected back to me in his eyes. And for now, it was enough.

Chapter Twenty-One

The
next few days were hard on Caden, but there was a glimmer of happiness amongst
all the pain as our relationship grew. Instead of shutting me out, he allowed
me to help him and accepted the fact that we were shouldering the obligations
that came after a loved one’s death together. I wasn’t helping him as his
assistant. I was helping him as someone who loved him. And this time I was sure
it was love. That four-letter word seemed diminutive compared to the intensity
of my feelings. How could a simple word accurately convey the depth and breadth
of my emotions when it came to Caden? I was willing to do anything for him, and
I was starting to believe he felt the same way.

I
didn’t wonder why Caden didn’t cry immediately after Michael’s death. I knew
that outward displays didn’t necessarily match the inner emotions of a person,
and sometimes the pain was so acute that tears just seemed to dilute it. But
when he finally broke down in front of me, in the midst of packing up Michael’s
office, my heart ached for him and my love for him grew even more because of
his vulnerability.

At
first, Caden was hesitant to allow Millie to see that he was hurting. It was as
if he wanted her to believe that he was an unmovable rock that couldn’t be
affected by grief. I knew he wanted to be strong for her, but I also knew she
needed to grieve together with him. As hard as it was for him to believe, she
really did love him like a son, and she needed to be there for him as much as
he was for her. I gently reminded Caden of this when he refused to show her his
emotions, and slowly but surely he allowed himself to lean on her. I could see
the change that brought about in her. Millie drew strength from being able to
help Caden, and it helped ease the loss she was dealing with.

After
Michael’s funeral, we started the process of returning to our normal lives.
Millie sold Michael’s share of his practice to his partner, as well as their
apartment in the city, and decided to live in Greenwich full time. Despite her
move, she still came down to the city often, and Caden ended up spending more
time with her than when she and Michael had lived in the city on the weekdays.

Three
weeks had passed since Michael’s death, and the end of June brought warmer
weather as the temperature climbed in New York. Caden and I had settled back
into a routine at the office, although there was no longer any separation
between our personal and professional relationship. Yet it worked. It seemed
natural to exchange kisses while discussing the day’s tasks and although sometimes
office efficiency was sacrificed when our desires got the better of us, it felt
like the perfect combination of work and intimacy.

I
had been relieved when I got my period, although a crazy part of me had been a
little disappointed. I credited the feeling to sadness about Michael’s death,
and the potential happiness that a new life would bring, but I knew it was
insanity. I promptly went on the pill and stopped worrying about what my
emotions meant.

We had
returned to Caden’s townhouse Sunday evening after spending the day in
Greenwich with Millie. Dusk was just starting to darken the sky, and I dropped
my purse and gratefully sank into the living room sofa and kicked off my shoes.

“Millie
seems to be doing a lot better,” I commented as Caden stretched out beside me,
resting his arm behind me. I leaned into him, amazed that my pulse still
quickened whenever he was near, even though we spent the bulk of our time
together.

Caden
pulled me closer so that my head was resting on his shoulder. “I should have
known that Millie can survive anything. As much as she misses Michael, she’s
determined to still live life to the fullest.” He paused before continuing, his
voice growing thicker. “That’s one of the reasons Michael loved her so much.”

I
tilted my head so that I could see his face. He looked wistful but smiled
faintly when he saw me watching him.

“And
how are
you
doing?” I asked. Even though Caden had opened himself up to me, he still wasn’t
the most expressive person when it came to his feelings, but I didn’t begrudge
him that considering I wasn’t too different.

Caden
leaned down and kissed me softly. “I’m always better when I’m with you,” he
said in a low voice. And just like that, our passion flared to life. It was
amazing that a simple touch or a single word could make our desires erupt,
leaving us helpless to do anything except surrender to it.

Caden
kissed me again, but this time hunger made his mouth slant fiercely over mine.
I matched his intensity as I stroked his tongue with mine, loving his sound of
approval when I sucked it into my mouth. Caden had the ability to make me
ravenous and blind to modesty. I would do anything for him in these moments,
allow him to do anything to me, and he knew it.

He
picked me up without breaking our kiss, and I immediately wrapped my legs
around his waist as he carried me to the bedroom. I clung to him as he lowered
me onto the bed. He reached behind him and unwound my arms from his neck,
pushing them down and holding them prisoner against the bed so that they were
raised above my head. I panted as I instinctively arched my back, trying to get
close to him.