Fat (8 page)

Rosa pursed her lips. “Who invited the skinny girl? This is a fat girl only party.”

I thought about how it would feel if it was the other way around.
This is a skinny girl only party.
I knew she was teasing, but it wasn’t okay either.

I put my arm around her. “This is a gorgeous girl party.”

“You bet it is,” Brant said from where he was already rummaging through the baskets.

“There’s some beers in the trunk. And some soda,” April called to him.

“You’re the best,” he answered.

“So you know, Claire still hasn’t had her turn,” Kieran said.

“Oh!” Hollie exclaimed. “Come on, Rosa. We need to get her hair and makeup.”

“I really don’t think—”

“You promised us. Me and Brant.” Kieran reminded me.

“It’s a waste of everyone’s time. I’m not going to use them.”

“You’re not getting out of it, Claire.” Ryan grinned. “Remember? For my portfolio?”

I looked around at all of the expectant faces. “Fine.” Just because I agreed to do it didn’t mean I actually had to look at them.

CHAPTER EIGHT

After Hollie and Rosa finished pasting on eyelashes, makeup, and doing my hair, I stood in front of the Challenger and eyed it suspiciously.

They wanted me on the hood.

Not a fucking chance.

It just didn’t look that sturdy.

And if I dented it, I would die of utter and absolute humiliation.

No, no, and much more no.

“Yes, Claire.” It was as if Kieran could hear my thoughts. “I sit on it all the time.”

I shook my head without speaking.

“It’s reinforced. Special modification for that custom engine. Come on, baby.”

He called me baby.

I shook my head again, but this time it was more like a maraca. Maybe that would rattle those stupid thoughts out of my head.

April came to my rescue. “Here, use the blanket.” She spread out the red and white checkered blanket in front of the car.

“Yes!” I latched on to that idea.

“Oh, this is good. I like the contrast of colors.” Ryan motioned for me to get with the program.

I found myself being led to the blanket by both Brandt and Kieran.

“Wait, first shot let’s do all three with Claire. Sit down with your knees crossed. Then Claire, you’re going to lay across their laps,” Ryan directed.

I followed his directions. Everyone was so set on this course, so why the fuck not?

“Damn it, Austin. Your belt buckle is killing me,” I grumped.

“That’s not my belt buckle, sweetheart.”

My eyes went wide and the shutter kept clicking away.

“That’s it. That expression. Put your finger against your lips. Pin up style… faux startled. You know what I mean.”

I knew exactly what he meant, but I wasn’t a pin up sex kitten.

“Look at me. It’s just a camera, and I’m behind it, right?” He peered out from around the lens. It’s just me looking at you.”

He was right. The camera wasn’t some raging beast that was trying to hurt me, or wound me. It was just him. Looking at me while I was wrapped in male stripper.

I tittered.

“There you go.” His face was once again consumed by the shuttered mons—camera and I started to relax. “Okay, now I want just Brant and Kieran.”

“Fine,” Austin huffed in faux indignation, but grinned. “That was too much sausage for me anyway.” He put one arm around Rosa and the other around Hollie.

I laughed.

Ryan continued to push us through a series of poses, each a bit more risqué than the last. I tried not to think about it—being pressed between them. They were both so strong and hard, a contrast to my softness.

Soon, I couldn’t tell who touched me where. It was all sensation—heat. And when I surrendered to it, everything changed. It was like turning on a light.

“There it is, that’s what I want.” Ryan praised me.

“You like this?” Brant whispered.

“We do,” Kieran said in my other ear.

They were trying to kill me.

In fact, I was sure I was dead. This was either heaven or hell, I didn’t know which. Maybe both.

“Now, just Kieran,” Ryan ordered.

This was supposed to be my shoot, but instead, it had turned into Ryan’s and I couldn’t find the wherewithal to care.

My limbs were pliable—boneless. I don’t think I could’ve stood on my own if I wanted to.

Kieran lifted me easily and I found myself on the hood of that damned car. He was posing me, moving me as he pleased and I let him. His hands were in my hair, sliding down my sides…

“Look at me, that’s right,” Ryan said.

Kieran positioned himself between my thighs and my self-respect was this tiny voice in the back of my head shrieking that everyone could see. But primal brain didn’t care. Primal brain just wanted Kieran to keep touching. 

Kieran leaned into my neck, his breath teased the shell of my ear. “Tonight, you’re going to bring Brant home, and I know you’re going to fuck him.”

My lips parted and I gasped.

The shutter continued to snap away, capturing every moment as stark as any memory.

“But I’m not bringing April home. I’m going to be in my room, alone.”

I tightened my grip on his shoulders, as if that would make him stop talking. Whatever he said next, I couldn’t unhear, no matter what that meant for us.

For me.

For all of it.

He took my nails digging into his shoulders as tacit permission. “I’ll be listening to every sound that comes through those walls. Every gasp, every cry.”

Rather than looking at the camera now, I found myself watching Brant. I don’t know what I expected to see there, but it wasn’t the blatant arousal I recognized from our night together.

I clung tighter.

“Jesus, every woman on the planet is going to order something from
Chubbalicious
if it turns them into Claire,” Rosa half-whispered.

They were all watching me, rapt, but it seemed like they were so far away. Like another dimension, even April.

“—And I’m going to come in my hand wishing it was me.”

His words broke the spell. I shoved hard against his shoulders and he released me.

“Show’s over.” I hopped off the car and smoothed my hair.

“Those were some great shots. I can’t wait to show them to you,” Ryan said.

I couldn’t believe how calm he was, like Kieran hadn’t almost fucked me right there on the car. I took a deep, calming breath. Okay, so maybe he hadn’t almost fucked me, but it was creeping on carnal knowledge.

Why would he say that to me?

I bit the inside of my cheek hard when I tried to talk. It made me feel stupid, but it was probably a sign from the universe to just keep my mouth closed.

Now that imagery of Kieran, it would be in my head forever—of him alone in his room, stroking himself… I shivered.

I didn’t know what he was playing at, but we’d have to have that shit out directly. He couldn’t say those things to me, it wasn’t fair. Not unless he meant them.

Hell, what did it matter if he meant them? We’d never even so much as kissed and now he was telling me he was jerking off thinking about me? I wasn’t sure if I was flattered or offended. Maybe a little of both.

“Claire—”

I turned to look at him, he still had his shirt off, his jeans unbuttoned. My mouth went dry. “Who am I talking to? Kieran or Finn McCool?”

My words hit him hard as any fist.

“What’s wrong, Claire?” April asked.

“Nothing.” I shook my head. I didn’t want everyone to know I was having a fucking meltdown because things got a little heated. “Thanks for doing the shoot, Kieran. I appreciate it.”

His mask was in place again. “Anytime, sweetheart.”

Yeah, that wasn’t Kieran. That was Finn.

And that hurt, because anyone could have Finn. Anyone could buy him. Kieran was supposed to be mine.

There was my problem in a nutshell. He wasn’t mine, and I’d started to think of him like he was. Even if we were together, he still wasn’t mine, you can’t own another person—and who would want to?

I sighed.

“Thanks, everyone. I’ve got to drop off our intrepid photographer, so I’m going to head out.”

Brant met me at the car. Ryan didn’t wait for me to say anything, he just got in and closed the door, giving us a modicum of privacy.

“What was that about?”

“I can’t even.” I shook my head. How was I supposed to tell him even if I were so inclined?

He hugged me. “I’ll meet you at your house and we’ll go grab dinner like we planned.”

His arms were warm, safe, and the comfort I found there had nothing to do with height, muscle or anything but the man who embraced me.

“I’ll change.”

“I kind of like your pin up couture.”

“Okay then. I’ll wear it. Even these eyelashes.”

He released me and opened the door for me. I slid into the seat and started the car.

“It’s none of my business, but that’s not the guy I expected you to be dating.” Ryan said.

“We’re not really dating.” We hadn’t put a label on what we were doing and I liked it that way.

“You and that other guy, I thought my camera was going to explode. You’re on fire together.”

“Are we?” I asked, curious now how everyone else saw our interaction.

“You were great models. The chemistry was explosive. It’s like that other girl said. If you use these pictures, every woman will wish she was you.”

I could tell that he genuinely meant what he said, but I didn’t see it. It was unimaginable.

Just as I put the car into gear, April put her arms around Kieran. He returned the embrace, but watched me over the top of her head.

I drove as fast as my little Chevy would carry us away from Kieran and everything he stirred in me.

CHAPTER NINE

Brant was sitting with his back against his car door waiting for me when I got to the house—Kieran’s car was nowhere to be found.

So much for staying in tonight alone. I knew he had to work, but that’s why I expected him home. He napped after we watched
American Horror Story
. Although, to be fair, I’d made plans with Brant.

My brain wouldn’t stop picturing him doing…things. But now instead of him by himself, thinking about me, my stupid imagination had painted April into the scene. He was touching her, tasting her—she was making those damn sounds like she had the night of her birthday.

Maybe I should just fuck him for my birthday present too. After all, it was just Finn McCool. He’d do it.

Even having the thought broke my heart.

“What’s wrong? And don’t try to bullshit me and say there’s nothing wrong. What did Kieran do?” Brant said when he saw my expression.

I searched Brant’s face for some ulterior motive. There was only concern. “He’s just being a douche.” I slid down to sit next to him.

“He’s jealous.”

“What?”

“You’re spending all of your time with me or
Chubbalicious
, and that’s new. You’ve always been his.”

“But he set us up. That makes no sense to me.” Who was I trying to convince? Him or me?

“He’ll get over it. Or not. And you’ll stop seeing me to be with him.”

I turned my head sharply.

“If you think no one saw the burn between you two, you’re sadly mistaken. If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. But don’t lie and say it’s not there.”

The part of me that was a selfish bitch wanted to tell him everything, because now with this rift with April, Brant was quickly becoming my best friend. I could feel the pieces clicking into place. I wanted to tell him things, wanted his thoughts and his advice.

Most of all, I didn’t want to hurt him.

“No,” I said slowly. “I won’t deny it. I guess there
is
no denying it.” I took a deep breath. “How do you feel about that?”

“I guess it depends on what you want to do. If you want me to be your friend, I can be your friend, Claire. That’s why I wanted to wait before we had sex. I want you, there’s no refuting that. But what am I going to say here? That it’s fine? It’s not. It’ll hurt like a motherfucker.” His laugh was self-deprecating. “Will I respect what you want? Of course.”

“Do you want to keep seeing me?”

“I thought that was clear.”

“Obviously, we have chemistry too.” We did, because the way he touched me—it was the best sex I’d ever had.

“If we’re being honest, we all had chemistry together.”

My eyes widened as his implication became clear.

“Shocked? You shouldn’t be. You make jokes about it all the time.”

“Only because it’s a dirty fantasy.” I pursed my lips, trying to hold back whatever else my mouth could say without my brain’s permission.

“It doesn’t have to be. Kieran and I have shared women before. You want him. I still want you.” His tone was matter of fact. “And if I’m not mistaken, you want us both.”

I didn’t think my whole body could blush, but I had to be because I was hot everywhere. I’d never thought of myself as a prude, but maybe I was. The woman I wanted to be would’ve grabbed this opportunity by the balls and shook them like maracas.

Except the woman I was? Not so much.

I laughed. It was an awkward, tinny sound. “If I’m embarrassed to be naked in front of one man, what would I do with two?”

“Come so hard you see stars. Now tell me what he did to piss you off.”

This wasn’t happening. It just wasn’t. Synapses refused to connect and fire. He’d basically told me that I could have everything I wanted. I could live a fantasy. “But I don’t want the guys who work at The Rooster. I want you, Brant. The real you. The one I connect with. I don’t want Finn McCool. I want Kieran. Your bodies are gorgeous, that’s not in question. But I want more than that.”

“You’ve got it. At least from me.”

“I don’t have it from Kieran. I did, until things got weird. Now, he’s Finn.” I slumped. “Shit, I sound like a total psycho.”

“No, he does. Switching back and forth between personalities? We call that multiple personality disorder.” Brant grinned.

I just love you
was on the tip of my tongue. He made me laugh, he made feel safe, he seemed to know how to make everything right. What wasn’t to love? But I wasn’t in love with him. I said I love you to Kieran all the time, to Rosa, to Hollie, to April.

But Brant was different. He wouldn’t hear it the same way.

I was glad my tongue obeyed me with that little tidbit. Instead, I said, “Thanks.”

“For what? Offering to bang you and your crush?”

I giggled. “For being you. For making being me okay.”

Surprise bloomed on his face. “Why would it not be okay?”

“You’re always so sure of yourself.”

“Usually, but if you held out on me any longer before you said yes, you might have changed all that,” he teased me. “Can we go eat now? I’m starving.”

“You just stuffed your face with April’s picnic.”

“That sounded way dirtier than it was.”

I laughed and nudged his shoulder. “You know what I mean.”

“I only had one sandwich and some strawberries. I need some protein if I’m going to work out later.”

“You work out before you dance?”

“Yeah. Makes everything
harder
.”

“Everything?”

“Everything. Wanna see?” he teased me.

“Maybe I just do.” I reached over and grabbed his biceps. He flexed for me and that made me giggle too. It was silly, but it was nice to have this freedom to touch and be touched.

I guess it was more than a freedom, it was a kind of intimacy. An intimacy that would most likely be ruined if I took him up on his offer.

Even though I knew some things were better left as fantasy, now that the idea had taken root in my brain, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Remembering what it was like being pressed between them at the shoot earlier—he’d said I could have that again. I could have everything. I tried to push it out of my head.

He took my hand from his arm and pulled it down over his chest slowly. Down to his abs, down further to the waist of his jeans. I recognized the move from the club. All the guys did that when they were giving dances.

I hated that I knew that and I hated that it bothered me.

How many times did I need him to prove I was special to him? My brain knew that I was, but my heart was afraid to believe it.

But I didn’t stop touching him. I should have. For a million reasons. Because I wasn’t in the right place to have a relationship, I had feelings for Kieran, and I didn’t know what I wanted from Brant. I was officially an asshole.

Yet, Brant didn’t seem to mind.

“What if I did… this?” I drew my hand down further over and played with the pull on his zipper.

“So what if you did?” He grinned. “You can do anything you want.”

This time, it was
me
who leaned over and kissed
him
. He tasted like strawberries.

Brant pulled me across his lap so I straddled him. This wasn’t normally a position I enjoyed—it always made me feel so big and awkward, like a drunken yak. But it felt too good for me to worry about it.

Even though I was on top, he was still very much in control. His hands were under my shirt, cupping my breasts—I’d swear he had extra limbs if I hadn’t seen him naked. It seemed he could touch me everywhere at once.

He moved from my mouth to my neck, biting and licking, and I braced my hands on his shoulders.

God, we were making out like teenagers in the driveway. “What if someone sees us?” I panted.

“Let them watch and wish they were you.” He grasped my hips and pulled me harder against him, grinding us into each other.

Just like everything else with Brant, it felt too good to stop. His Mustang hid us from the road, and the bushes would probably block the neighbor’s view. Probably. But with the pleasure building, I didn’t care.

I could’ve done any number of things. Suggested we go inside, dragged him into the backseat of his car, anything but what I did.

Because just as Brant brought me off, Kieran pulled into the driveway behind Brant’s car.

Our eyes met, and I knew I was making my “O” face.

But I didn’t look away and I sure as hell didn’t tell Brant to stop.

Kieran didn’t look away either.

Those seconds seemed to last for years. I drowned in bliss, and Kieran. Except when the storm passed, I looked away, embarrassed.

“Shit. Kieran’s back.” I straightened my clothes.

“It’s not like he’s your dad.”

I scrambled to my feet. “No, but…he saw me.”

“So?”

“Brant! Can we just go? Please?”

“Yeah.” He got to his feet. “Where do you want to go?”

“Wherever.”

“You should at least say goodbye,” he said after he stood.

“Why?” No, there was no reason for that.

“Because April is in the car with him.”

It shouldn’t have felt like getting kicked in the gut, but it did. What did it matter that April came back with him? I was dry-humping in the driveway with his co-worker.

“Did we interrupt something?” April asked when she got out of the car.

I looked back and forth between Kieran and Brant. Kieran looked like a storm cloud and Brant seemed very pleased with himself.

“No. We were done. We’re heading to Roadhouse for some steak.”

April slid a sideways glance to Kieran. “Steak sounds really good.”

I knew the polite thing to do would be to invite her—them, but I didn’t want to.

“You guys can come if you want,” Brant said.

“I’m actually kind of tired,” Kieran answered, his eyes never leaving my face. “You guys go. I’ll catch a nap.”

I swallowed hard, unable to remember why what he’d said had made me so angry to begin with. “Don’t watch AHS without me.”

He smiled then, but it was a slow, sad sort of expression. “Never.”

“April and I can run to Roadhouse and get carryout,” Brant offered.

I was starting to think he was the devil.

“Would you? Man, that sounds great,” Kieran said.

“I—” April broke off.

“You can help carry.” He opened the passenger door before sliding in the driver’s seat. “Come here,” he said to me.

I leaned over and stuck my head through the window. “What?”

“Fix your shit.” He kissed me and then whispered in my ear again. “Whether you want to fuck us both or not is irrelevant. You guys have baggage from earlier. Get rid of it. For all our sakes, okay?”

He was right. I needed to be a grown up, which really wasn’t anywhere near as cool as it was cracked up to be. “Yeah,” I agreed. “And uh, bring me some of those rolls with the honey cinnamon butter.”

“You got it, gorgeous.” He winked.

And it reminded me of April’s party at The Rooster, when Kieran winked at me and my life as I knew it was launched on its ass.

April got in the car reluctantly and mouthed
“We need to talk.”

Probably, but I didn’t want to.

What could I say to her, anyway? I certainly didn’t want to hear what she had to say.

Brant pulled out of the driveway before I could say anything anyway.

Suddenly I felt naked and exposed.

I didn’t want to be alone with him because it meant facing that we’d crossed a line. I knew we’d crossed it, but if neither of us acknowledged it aloud, maybe we could uncross it. Or at least ignore it until things were back to normal.

I wanted them to be normal, right? Because maybe Kieran was a fantasy best left as the path I didn’t take. What if I fell in love with him, and I was just another notch on Finn McCool’s bedpost?

Or what if I was the pity fuck? That was even worse. I imagined him closing his eyes while he was on top of me and thinking about god and country so I didn’t kick him out.

How could I be so stupid?

“Do you want to start, or should I?” he said.

I closed my eyes, as if not looking at him could somehow drown out the cacophony in my head and all the things he was going to say that I didn’t want to hear.

“You.”

“Will you at least look at me, Claire?”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

I took a deep breath to steady myself. “I’m afraid of what I’ll see.”

“You didn’t mind looking at me earlier when you were grinding on Brant.”

“That’s not fair. I didn’t expect you home.”

“Neither did you bother to stop.”