Fat (10 page)

“Jesus, Claire.” Brant growled low in his throat.

It was hard to concentrate with Kieran’s tongue proving that he was one of the most gifted of men, but if I hadn’t had Brant to focus on, I already would’ve dissolved into bliss. There was so much sensation, I didn’t know what to feel or how to distill it down to one thing. Brant pulled away just as my climax hit me and I didn’t protest, all I could do was whimper and let the waves carry me where they would. 

Kieran’s fingers dug into my thighs and I knew I’d have bruises the next day, and I kind of wanted them. I wanted to remember this had actually happened.

Kieran was up on the bed with us and I was pressed between them. Suddenly, it occurred to me that there were two of them and one me. That meant if we were all going to be pleasured someone would have to—I opened my mouth to speak and Kieran kissed me, silencing my protests.

His hands, Brant’s hands, they moved over my skin, teasing and taunting, driving my desire that had been so recently quenched back to a frenzied pitch.

I twisted my head away from Kieran and his kiss to Brant. He kissed me too, but it was softer, sweeter. He moved to the corner of my mouth, to my cheek, then to the shell of my ear where he whispered, “Trust me.”

If anyone else had said that, I would have called bullshit. But I did trust him.

“If it’s uncomfortable, or you don’t like it, I’ll stop. I won’t hurt you.”

I believed him. Even when he twisted away and pulled out a small bottle of lube from my nightstand that I hadn’t put there. He’d planned this, but I knew if I told him I didn’t want to do this, he’d stop.

The truth was that I did want to do it.

Kieran turned me back to him and pulled my leg up high on his hip so that I was spread for them both. Brant kissed my neck, and his hand slid down over my belly and between Kieran and I to rub my clit.

We all moved together in unexpected synchronicity, writhing and seeking more friction. Kieran wasn’t shy about demanding all of my attention, and whenever I’d try to turn to kiss Brant, he’d turn me back to him.

When Kieran pushed into me, I’d expected a symphony or something. But it wasn’t special, there wasn’t any connection. It felt good, of course, he knew what he was doing. It just wasn’t…how I fantasized. Maybe that was the problem, I’d fantasized about him for too long for the reality to ever measure up.

I concentrated on the sensation, on what it was like to feel so worshipped and beautiful. Brant was ever so careful with me, teasing me and driving my arousal as high as he could before he eased against my opening. I stiffened, but Brant’s voice in my ear soothed me.

“Remember, I won’t hurt you. Only pleasure, sweetheart.”

His fingers kept teasing me, keeping me just at the edge, but knowing somehow when I was about to careen over the ledge. He was oh-so careful and when he was inside me too, I was almost afraid to feel it. Afraid that it would go from pleasant to pain, but it didn’t.

I was so full, so stretched, and I wasn’t sure if I was dying or being reborn. Maybe both. I wanted it to last forever, but I wanted it to be over too. I needed to see the end of the spiral, I was falling too fast and I wanted to land somewhere good.

Kieran leaned over my shoulder. “Let her come.”

We were a tangle of limbs, sweat, and bliss when I was finally launched over the edge. I was aware of nothing but starbursts and earthquakes.

I lay there, shuddering as I fell back into myself and Brant was already up and getting dressed.

“Where you going?” I mumbled, my lips numb. In fact, my whole face was numb, my fingertips and toes were tingling.

“I’ve still got to go to work.” He kissed my cheek and looked at me for a long moment. “I’ll miss you, Claire.”

“I’ll miss you, too.” I didn’t want him to go.

“Will you miss me too, Brant?” Kieran raised a brow and a self-satisfied grin spread across his face.

“No, jackass. You have to work, too. Remember?”

Kieran shrugged. “Fuck it. I’m staying right here.”

“You can come back over after work,” I offered.

“I’ll call you.” He kissed me again and got out of there like my face was on fire.

The part of me that wanted to be naïve wondered what was wrong with him, but deep down I knew. He didn’t want to come back to go to bed with Kieran and I, he wanted to be with me. Kieran was supposed to be disposable and Brant entered in to this knowing that Kieran wasn’t a throwaway for me.

I’d just had the time of my life, but I wasn’t sure if the emotional fallout was worth it.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Alone with Kieran, I suddenly didn’t know how to act. This had been a one-off. We were still friends, but… right? I’d fucked Finn McCool, not Kieran.

Only earlier, he’d said they were one and the same.

Feeling uncomfortable and unsure, I needed a shower. Not only for emotional distance, but I was sticky
everywhere
.

I started to get up, but Kieran grabbed my hand.

“Don’t run away from me now.”

That’s what I was doing, running. That’s what I always did. It was safer.

“I just need a shower.”

“I’ll come with you.”

“I don’t think I’ll get very clean.”

“We’ll get clean and then dirty again.” Kieran pinned me on my back with one swift motion. “Or dirtier first.”

I didn’t have a chance to answer because my legs hooked around his waist and even though I felt rode hard and put away wet, I still arched up to meet him.

This time was different. This time, he touched my face like it was something precious to him. I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d done this to April.

Fucking fuck fucker
. Why couldn’t I just have this moment without thinking about her? Or what Kieran had done with her? What did it matter? He was here with me now. Not her. I won. I had what I wanted.

I looked into Kieran’s eyes and held his gaze through every thrust and this time, it was kind of like how I imagined it would be. How I wanted it to be.

“I love you.” His voice was a jagged whisper, almost like the confession was painful for him, razorblades on his tongue. He buried his face in my neck and I knew I was making love to Kieran Holt, not fucking Finn McCool.

This was what was mine. “I love you, too. I always have.”

He groaned against me, the words seeming to elicit something more in him than just the rhythmic thrusts of our lovemaking. His embrace tightened and in that moment, I had everything I ever wanted.

Except I felt like I’d betrayed Brant. His place in the bed next to us was still warm and the look on his face… when he said he’d call me, it seemed like a final goodbye.

But that didn’t make any sense. He’d set this up.

The same way Kieran had pushed me to go out with Brant.

I wasn’t in love with Brant. I was in love with Kieran.

So why did this feel suddenly wrong?

“Hey, come back to me,” Keiran said against my ear.

“I’m here.” I dug my nails into his shoulders, inhaled the familiar scent of him and focused on just how it felt to be there with him.

“Say you’re mine, Claire.”

“I’m yours. Always.”

He shuddered against me, spent. Kieran rested his head on my breast and I held him there for a long time. I knew if I moved, it would shatter the idyll. I’d have to start thinking about all the stuff I’d put on hold to have this experience.

I’d have to think about what it meant if he loved me.

He’d said it, but I realized I didn’t believe him. If he loved me, if he wanted me, why hadn’t he said something?

The same reason I hadn’t?

No. He’s only here because he thought he was going to lose you to Brant. He doesn’t want you, but he needs you.

My phone buzzed and thinking it was Brant, I stretched to reach it, but I dropped it.

“Fuck ‘em. Whoever it is, they can fuck off,” Kieran grumbled.

“It might be important.”

“More important than what I’m about to do to you?
Again
?” He pounced on me when I squirmed away from him, but I shimmied to reach the phone on the floor and picked it up.

“Hello?”

“Claire?” It was April and I’d never heard her sound so… fragile.

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“My dick,” Keiran answered and tried to wrestle the phone away from me.

“Stop it. Come on. It’s April.” I pushed at his shoulders and he froze.

“Is he…” April began, but didn’t finish her statement. Silence reigned for a moment that seemed to last forever.

I knew what she was asking and the mean girl in me was more than happy to tell her that I had what she wanted. Not because I wanted to hurt her, but because she always got everything. And for once, I got something she wanted. For once, I was good enough.

For once, it was about me.

“Yeah.” There was so much in that one word. It was a knife, it was a balm, it was the culmination of all my doubts, and all of hers. I changed everything with that word.

Apparently, Kieran thought so too. His face had gone ashen.

Maybe he really did want her instead.

“I can’t talk,” April choked and hung up the phone.

I looked at it dumbly, the piece of technology in my hand. I glanced back and forth between the phone and Kieran.

“I didn’t want to hurt her,” he said.

The mean girl in me raged. Who cared? If he didn’t care about hurting Brant, why should it matter how April felt? April didn’t care how anyone else felt. But the woman I wanted to be, the one who I was trying so hard to become, she just nodded. “I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

“I shouldn’t have invited her to breakfast. I should have kept everything the same. But I thought since we were friends… I knew this would happen. I warned her.”

“I did too, but that doesn’t change how shitty it feels, does it?” Even though those words were hollow, considering I was still doing a poisonous little cheer.

“No, it doesn’t. She’s the only one who ever said she wanted something other than Finn.”

“That’s not true.”

He studied me hard, another one of those seconds that loomed into the eternal. “You never wanted Finn at all. She said she wanted both.”

I decided then that words should be licensed the same as firearms because they were just as deadly.

“I’m going to grab that shower now.” I fled from him, from the accusation, from the possibility that it might be true.

He didn’t stop me, but a few moments later with the hot water running over my body, I heard the door creak open.

“I don’t want April,” he said quietly.

With the curtain between us, it was easier to speak, I felt protected. Which was dumb, it was just a stupid piece of plastic. “It’s okay if you do. What happened—” I tried not to choke on the words “—it can just be something that happened. Something we tried together. It doesn’t have to change us.”

“We’re already changed and I can’t pretend we aren’t. I don’t want to pretend we aren’t.”

“Me either.” I leaned back under the water, the heat comforting. “But I don’t want to lose you either. I don’t want you to feel…” I inhaled deeply, searching for the right words. Or maybe it was just the strength to say the right words. “I don’t want you to feel like because you live here, if you don’t give me what I want, that you’ll lose anything.”

“What do you mean?”

“You don’t have to fuck me to live here. Or to still be my friend.” I inhaled again, as if that would fortify me. “Or for me to love you. I’ll always love you, Kieran. Always.”

“I’ve wanted you since the moment we met.”

I peeked out from behind the curtain. I had to see the expression on his face. I needed to reassure myself he was telling the truth.

“Then why didn’t you say so?”

“Because I wanted to keep something in my life that wasn’t tainted by my dick.” He looked so haunted then it almost broke my heart.

“Why do you do the job that you do if you think your dick taints everything?” Water dripped down my cheek and he smoothed it away with the pad of his thumb.

“Because it’s what I’m good at.”

“You’re good at a lot of things. The way you suped up your car with your own hands? Not everyone can do that.”

“Bollocks. That’s a simple thing, lass.”

“For you. Not for everyone.” I ducked back behind the curtain and finished washing my hair.

“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” he said after a while. “With Brant I mean. I really thought you’d be good together.”

“We are,” I admitted. “But I’ve always been in love with you.”

“Part of me wonders if it’s fair that we have to hurt all our friends to be together.”

I swallowed hard, dreading what he would say next. That it was all over. This was a fluke. We shouldn’t have done it.

“But then I realize fuck them. It’s not our fault if we’re in love. It happened. They can either be happy for us or fuck off.”

Could it be that simple? Did I want it to be? Was I ready to give up all of my friendships just to be with Kieran? A few weeks ago, I would have said yes.

Who was I kidding? Of course I’d say yes. I’d wanted him for so long and now he was mine. I wasn’t going to throw away everything I’d ever wanted with both hands. I didn’t want to hurt Brant, I didn’t want to hurt April, but it was okay for me to be happy, right? I’d lived a long time worrying about making other people happy, worrying about what other people thought. It was time for me.

“Right. They can all fuck off. We have each other.”

“That’s my girl.” He pulled the curtain back and I squealed, but he tugged me against him anyway and kissed me hard.

His kiss convinced me everything would be okay.

“Oh my god, I’m so sore. I can’t do this again,” I giggled. It was a good sore though, it was something I could get used to.

“That’s good lass, because I don’t think I can do it again. At least not for another hour.” He grinned.

I clenched my thighs, thinking of it. If he wanted me again even if it hurt, I’d let him. “Actually, I need to go to the store.”

“What? Why? We don’t have anywhere we have to be. I just want to stay in your bed. Until tomorrow. Then we can stay in my bed.”

I laughed. “We had sex without a condom.”

“Aren’t you on something?” he questioned.

“No.”

His eyes widened. “Why the fuck not?”

“It makes me sick.”

“Oh Jaysus.”

“No, it’s fine. Don’t lose your shit. I’ll just get the morning after pill. It’ll be fine.” The water was starting to get cold.

“It needs to be.”

His response pissed me off at first, but he looked so terrified, that I couldn’t stay angry. I mean, he could have gotten a condom. Brant never—I couldn’t start down that road. “Kieran,” I said his name to make him look at me, really look at me. “It will be. I promise.”

“I guess we need to talk.”

“I thought that was what we were doing?” I turned off the water. “Hand me a towel.”

I wrapped the towel around my body and one around my hair before stepping out on to the bathmat.

“There’s more I need to tell you. You may not want to be with me after.”

“Unless you kick puppies for fun, or you’re a serial killer, there’s nothing you can tell me that’s going to change my mind.” I realized that he needed as much reassurance as I did.

“Even if I said that I don’t want children? Not just not now, not ever.”

I considered. “I guess we should’ve had this talk before we started having sex.” I gave a self-deprecating laugh. “I can’t say what I’ll want in the future, but right now, I don’t either. Now, I know that comes with being with you. I accept that.”

“Can you really?”

“Not all women want children. I wouldn’t want to just have them to have them. I’m in love with you, and that means all of you.”

“Even Finn?”

I bit my lip. “I guess even Finn.”

“You guess?” He raised a black brow. We were back in playful territory. Back where we were both comfortable.

“Well, you know, Kieran is better in bed than Finn.”

“When did you ever sleep with Finn?”

“Finn and Brant. After Brant left, then you were Kieran.”

“You do know me.”

“Was that in doubt?”

“I guess not.” He grinned. “So where do we have to go to get this thing?”

“Just to the pharmacy. I can go myself. It’s no big deal.” Except I really did want him to go with me. I was an adult, I could handle my reproductive choices alone if I had to, but I really wanted him to do it with me for some reason.

Maybe because I was still kind of irritated about the condom. I could have spoken up, I should have told them to wear them. That was on me, too. I couldn’t think about how many women either of them had been with or it would turn my stomach.

Which was completely hypocritical of me, but I couldn’t help how it made me feel. Although I could help how I reacted to it.

“I’ll go with you. Then we can get dinner.”

“Okay, let me get dressed.”

I thought about the takeout Brant had brought me sitting in its styrofoam container. I picked it up when I walked into the room and carried it out to the fridge.

He wasn’t going to call me.

He wasn’t coming back.

When he said he’d miss me, it wasn’t just tonight. That certainty clanged through my head like a bell.