Fashionably Hotter Than Hell: Book Six, The Hot Damned Series (24 page)

“Nope,” I replied.

“All right, I’ll bite. Who in Jesus-in-a-thong’s-name are we overlooking?” Pam said as she offered a squirt of whipped cream to her mate, the King.

He politely declined and gave her a kiss on her nose.

“The missing puzzle piece,” I said enjoying the perplexed expression everyone’s face. “The only one who would reveal Raquel’s secret and the one who tried to kill her. The lovely gal I have in mind had to have informed Dracula as he shall be known henceforth, that Raquel was slated for death.”

“Holy shit…
Juliet
,” Raquel said as her fangs dropped and her eyes turned green with fury.

“Well Hell fire and damnation, why on earth do we always forget about that canker sore?” Pam bellowed and punctuated her disgust with a table slam that sent all the food flying.

“Wishful thinking?” Raquel suggested as she deftly ducked a flying cheesecake.

“It breaks my heart to agree with your summation, but I fear it’s correct,” the King said quietly.

Juliet had been missing for hundreds of years and the King had searched tirelessly for his renegade daughter. His hopes of a joyous reunion had been dashed tragically in the last year. Not only had Juliet tried to kill Raquel, she’d also tried to kill Astrid and help some unsavory Demons take over the world. Thankfully, her skills were lacking and her insanity made her stabs at power a joke.

But innocent people had died because of Juliet. Being locked up in the Cressida House was just the beginning of the Hell she was going to have to pay for all she’d done—especially if she was involved in this mess as well.

“I want to avoid a war with the Angels,” the King stated firmly. “We can’t afford to fight them. Untold numbers of our people and theirs would die needlessly if this is all the brainchild of Vlad.”

“Then we simply need to trick him into admitting his guilt in front of us and the Angels,” I stated logically.

All at the table stared at me as if I’d lost my mind.

“And I want to be a unicorn that poops rainbow glitter,” Pam said in her outdoor voice. “That shishkabobbing fool ain’t gonna come clean on anything. And I guarantee you that spear-happy motherfucker will never tell the Angels shit about anything.”

“Ahhhhh, but I think he will,” I disagreed. “He just needs the right person to ask. Possibly our own certifiable Juliet would do the trick in persuading him.”

The chorus of
no’s
and a loud
you’re fucked in the head
from Pam rang out in the kitchen. I just smiled and waited. I was far from crazy. I was fucking brilliant.

“You are not bringing Juliet to Europe,” Raquel said vehemently. “She won’t help us anyway—especially if she’s involved in all this with Vlad.”

“Raquel’s correct,” the King added. “Juliet’s a loose cannon and it would be a very unwise move to bring her here.”

“If he admits it to her, we avoid a war. We steer clear of senseless death. We stay on good terms with the Angels and they get to punish Vlad. It’s a win—win,” I said cockily knowing I was only revealing part of my plan.

I knew I was being an ass, but I was enjoying myself tremendously

“If she wasn’t so damned unbalanced it would be a solid plan,” Raquel insisted, still in protest mode. “She’ll do anything to destroy us. You can’t possibly be thinking about relying on her with something so large and potentially deadly for our race.”

“Yep, I am,” I admitted with a casual shrug.

“You’re an idiot,” Raquel snapped and ran her hands through her hair in frustration. “A total idiot.”

“Let him finish,” the King said watching me, his curiosity piqued. “You’re only revealing part of this plan. Finish.”

“We need Juliet, but does it actually have to be
the real Juliet
?” I asked as I glanced over at Jean Paul.

Jean Paul had stayed quiet for the last few minutes and watched the scene play out with a small smile on his lips. He knew exactly where I was going with my line of thinking and he was as entertained by the confusion as much as I was.

“You know what?” Raquel huffed as she slapped my shoulder hard. She’d caught on, but wasn’t pleased to have been played. “You are a dick. Brilliant, but still a dick.”

“Thank you.” I gave her a small bow and blew her a kiss.

“I still as confused as shit here,” Pam shouted. “Anyone want to clue me in?”

“Well,” Jean Paul started, and was cut short by Pam slapping her hand over his mouth.

“No! Don’t tell me. I hate it when I know how a movie or book ends. I want to be surprised,” she announced with an evil little grin. “How does Satan play into this? No! Wait. Don’t tell me.”

Satan… damn it. I’d almost forgotten about him. Pam had a fine point. My original plan was to piss Dracula off. Not going to be helpful with a better plan in place. I needed to get hold of the Devil and tell him to abort plan A. The problem was I couldn’t get through to any of them at the moment.

Fuck.

“I’ll let Satan know to drop the original plan,” I muttered as I tried to reach Ethan with our secret code.

Again, nothing.

“Still no answer?” Raquel asked as she glanced at my phone with concern.

“No,” I replied tightly.

“I’m sure they’re fine,” she said firmly. “We’ll just stop Satan from doing whatever he was going to do when they get there.”

“Sounds like a plan,” I said as I stood and prepared to go back to the Summit.

The only problem with that scenario was that the Devil did whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. He’d been enormously amused at the thought of Vlad going ballistic when he showed up with the famous and dead actor who’d immortalized
Dracula
in film. It was common knowledge that Vlad violently despised the depictions of himself in literature and film. Normally my ideas were faultless. This one… not so much.

I vant to drink your blood
might be the line that ends the human, Angel and Vampyre races…

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“We need to get back to the Summit now,” I snapped.

“What about Raquel?” the King asked. “I don’t think it wise to reveal the curse is broken yet.”

“He’s right,” Jean Paul said. “We don’t want Vlad suspecting anything is amiss.”

“While all this may be true, what we really don’t want is Satan showing up with Bela Lugosi and having him tell Vlad he wants to drink his blood,” I said, revealing my shitty plan to all.

“Holy shitknockers,” Pam screeched and jumped up and down like a bouncing ball. “That is so fucking awesome! I wish I’d come up with it myself. He’ll split in half like Rumplefuckingstein.”

Raquel just stared at me in disbelief and tried desperately to bite back her laughter. “Was that really plan A?” she asked on a burst of giggles.

“Yes. Yes, that was plan fucking A,” I hissed as everyone in the room let their laughter rip. “I didn’t have much to go on, so I figured I’d start by pissing the bastard off.”

“You shall certainly succeed at that, my friend,” the King said, still chuckling.

I grinned and shook my head ruefully. “It was not my finest, but as I said, I had to start somewhere.”

“I think you should still use plan A,” Jean Paul said thoughtfully. “It will definitely get him to leave the room and then I can go to work.”

“Or Dracula will blow up the room and everyone in it,” Raquel added and sobered us all quickly.

“Nah, Roberto will zap his ass so hard and so fast, Vlad won’t even know what hit him. I’ll let Roberto in on the secret,” Pam said with her eyes as wide and excited as a child’s on its birthday.

I smiled at Pam’s willingness to help my cause. “Actually, I need to have a word with Roberto as well. Can you get me a private meeting?”

“Does Davis Hasselhoff like his hamburgers?” she demanded with her hands on her hips and brows arched high.

I was silent because I had no fucking clue if her answer meant yes or no.

“She’ll get you the meeting,” the King said as he watched his nutbag of a mate with fondness. “She just has an unusual way of imparting the information.”

“That she does,” I agreed and took Raquel by the hand. “Can you stay cloaked if we go back now?”

“Does the Pope wear red shoes?” she asked me with a wicked twinkle in her eyes.

“The old one did,” I shot back with a grin.

She giggled and gave me a kiss. “Of course I can stay cloaked. I’m a Master fucking Vampyre,” she whispered.

“That you are, my love. Everyone ready?” I asked.

The chorus of yeses were strong and confident.

It was time to go kick some Vamp ass—well one Vamp’s ass. I just hoped it didn’t result in a war.

Chapter 20

It was a shit show of epic proportions
…

Never, ever again would I ask Satan for help.

“Oh my God,” Jean Paul shouted over the din of Angels and Vampyres arguing at ear splitting levels. “This is not what I was expecting.”

“Fucking awesome,” Pam bellowed as she took in the scene.

Satan stood calmly smiling in the middle of the pristine white great room while accusations flew. He was clearly not a welcome visitor. I glanced around looking for Astrid, Ethan and Gareth, but they were nowhere to be found, Neither was the guest I requested the Devil bring.

I glanced up to the Heavens and thanked God for small favors. Clearly Satan hadn’t retrieved Bela Lugosi… yet. I needed to call off my request or at least save it until we needed it for a distraction. However, getting to the Devil was an issue. Not only were loud disagreements going on, there was an inordinate amount of pushing and shoving—fangs and wings were clashing.

Son of a bitch…

“Good evening everyone. So sorry to be late to the clusterfuck. I was busy taking a shit on the stock market. It’s so delightful to play with such greedy fuckers,” Satan bellowed joyously as the crowd—both Angels and Vampyres—froze in horror. “I must say, I did some outstanding damage to the tech sector.”

The silence was loaded. The grumbling started slowly and rose steadily. It was a very well known fact that Vampyres and Angels were heavily invested in technology—especially the Old Guard Vamps. The rabid displeasure and the nervous tapping of phones sounding like frantic tap dancing. Clearly they were checking their stocks. The shocked grunts and hisses of fury confirmed that Satan had indeed taken a shit on the stock market.

“Yes,” the Devil purred as his eyes turned red with glee. “I do believe I leveled a few
big
ones.”

His laugh was positively maniacal and it was difficult not to join him. The expressions of rage on the faces of the Old Guard were tremendously enjoyable. Of course, I probably suffered some losses due to Satan’s screwing with the market, but I didn’t give a shit. Money came and money went. The need for endless riches had never defined me.

“This Summit did not include any invitations for
Demons
,” Vlad sneered as he stepped forward out of the crowd and went toe to toe with the irreverent King of the Underworld.

Holy Hell, Vlad was as stupid as he was arrogant—but mostly stupid. Satan was
not
someone to fuck with.

“Now that’s just rude,” Satan pouted and made himself comfortable on a nearby couch.

“You must leave.
Now
,” Vlad continued cockily as he puffed out his chest and postured.

“But I brought some of your friends,
Dracula
,” Satan informed Vlad in a silky tone that made everyone in the room uncomfortable.

A few snickers escaped at Satan’s use of the despised moniker, but they were quickly muffled as Vlad snapped his head around to find the perpetrators. The arrogant Vampyre literally seethed with anger at the name he so hated, but the feral look on Satan’s face stopped him from writing his own death warrant by attacking him.

Wait. What the Hell did Satan mean by
friends
? I’d only requested Bella Lugosi.

“Yes, it was tiresome to gather such an illustrious group together, but I’m quite sure it shall be well worth it,” Satan said breezily as he stood and took a few steps toward Vlad.

The Vampyre took several steps back, but then stood his ground. Vlad’s power couldn’t be discounted and Satan was very aware of this fact. He watched Vlad through a narrowed gaze and an evil little grin on his lips.

“I’m sure I have no clue what you’re speaking of,” Vlad spat. “But you are not welcome here, Beelzebub. You are neither Angel nor Vampyre.”

“Ahhhhh….,” Satan shot back smoothly with an undercurrent of menace that made me yet again regret asking for his assistance. “That’s where you’re wrong,
Dracula
.”

Vlad’s body shook with outrage at Satan’s repeated use of the detested title, but he held himself at bay. “I don’t believe I am wrong,
Demon
.”