Fashionably Hotter Than Hell: Book Six, The Hot Damned Series (19 page)

“This had better be good,” a familiar and ominous voice purred from the darkness. “And Astrid darling, if you insist on calling me Uncle Fucker, I’ll renege on letting you hold your wedding in Hell.”

“Wait. What?” Ethan shouted.

“Quiet,” Astrid hissed under her breath. “I’ll explain later.”

That announcement was a total shocker and I held my laughter with difficulty. Raquel gave me a
what the Hell?
look and I shrugged.

Who knew what Astrid was cooking up for her nuptials? As a rule Vampyres didn’t marry. Marriage was a breakable bond and mating was not. Astrid, being a very new Vampyre, still held on to human traditions and Ethan happily granted her every whim. Honestly at first I thought it foolish, but promising to love and honor the one you loved in front of family and friends didn’t seem so witless to me anymore…

“So what have we here?” Satan asked as he examined the ward with distaste.

He traced small symbols in the air that materialized and shuddered as they tried to pierce the invisible wall. Satan was a huge and imposing man. His very presence changed the atmosphere in the cave from eerie to menacing.

“Well?” Astrid asked as she stepped up next to her Uncle.

“Very sloppy,” he said with narrowed eyes and thin lips. “However, it’s laced with something other than Demon magic. This will require three favors from you, Astrid.”

“But I only have two
as you know
,” Astrid informed him as she crossed her arms over her chest and glared at the King of the Underworld.

“Oh my goodness, you’re correct,” he said with wide innocent eyes and an evil little chuckle. “I suppose an early invitation to Christmas next year would wipe the slate clean.”

“Fuck,” Ethan muttered

Astrid immediately turned and punched her mate in the arm.

Satan had almost single handedly taken down Christmas at the Cressida House a few months prior. Of course, he’d had help from Mother Nature and his daughters, the Seven Deadly Sins. The kidnapping of Steve Perry, aka Journey’s front man, would forever go down in history.

“If, and I mean
if,
I say yes, you are strictly forbidden to
enhance
even one decoration,” she bargained.

“Not even one?” He pouted and stamped his Armani clad foot. “Where’s the fun in that?”

“Not even one. There will be no kidnapping of rock stars and you can’t spend the night,” she ground out.

Satan considered the offer with pursed lips and a look of displeasure.

“Take it or leave it,” Astrid threatened. “And just so you know, I have a little video you might be interested in… ”

“Are you blackmailing me?” he shouted with delight.

“Oh my Hell,” she gasped out and paled. “I think I am.”

“Apples do not fall far from their trees. You’re more Demon than you want to believe,” Satan told her with a lopsided grin. “And I accept your kind invitation to Christmas next year.”

“I’m sure I’ll live to regret it,” she told him with a smile and a snort.

“I’m sure you will,” he agreed and turned his attention back to the cage.

“Can you do it?” Astrid asked her uncle in a hushed tone.

Satan’s sigh was large and put upon. “I am going to pretend you didn’t say that,” he snapped. “I really don’t want to have to smite your ass when I’m done here.”

“Right. Sorry, Uncle Fucker… I mean, Satan,” she mumbled with an evil little grin and backed away.

“Oh and Heathcliff,” he added as he turned and smirked. “Astrid’s payment does not negate the request you have asked of me—or your favor.”

“I didn’t think it did,” I replied evenly. “Can you find who I requested?”

“For the love of everything evil,” Satan yelled and threw his hands in the air. “What’s this crap about everyone doubting me? This is not good for my ego. I’m the fucking Devil—the King on the Underworld—the most evil one of all, for shit’s sake.”

The walls shook and I put my hands up in defense. “I was simply assuming that this individual might not reside in Hell,” I quickly explained trying to avoid a satanic tantrum.

“Oh… okay,” Satan said magnanimously accepting my justification. “He doesn’t normally, but he was on a field trip to see all the Nazis being water boarded in the basement of Hell. He might have accidentally missed the bus back to Heaven.”

“Holy crap, you kidnapped someone else?” Astrid hissed as she marched up to the Devil and smacked him upside the head.

Everyone in the room blanched. Who in their right mind walloped Satan?

“Let’s get something straight here,” Satan growled. “I did
not
abduct my hero, Steve Perry. My daughters kidnapped him for me for Christmas.”

“He does have a point,” Ethan added cautiously.

“See?” Satan whined like a five year old. “Not everything bad is my fault. However, if I’d thought of it I would have done it before they did.”

He mumbled the second half of his sentence as he backed away from Astrid.

“Whatever,” she huffed. “You cannot keep people against their will.”

“But I did,” Satan replied.

“It’s still wrong,” Astrid declared, chastising him.

“And your point?” Satan asked, truly baffled.

“Never mind.” Astrid rolled her eyes and pressed the bridge of her nose. “Who did you detain anyway?”

“That is for me and Heathcliff to know and you to find out. Is this the only ward I have to break?” Satan asked as he flicked his fingers and the magic that bound Gareth oozed to the floor with a wicked hiss.

“I’m not sure,” Astrid replied truthfully. “Three of Ethan’s other siblings have gone missing and I’m not certain of their circumstances.”

Raquel and Ethan rushed forward to their brother. Hugs, backslaps and a few tears were shed. As the spell continued to fizzle and dissolve, the silver chains that bound Gareth disintegrated to a fine powdery dust. He was free—almost.

“Why hasn’t his aging reversed?” Raquel turned to Satan and asked. “He’s still aging.”

“Unfortunately my dear, that part of the curse cannot be reversed by me,” the Devil winked at my mate and gave Raquel what I assumed was his panty melting smile.

My hands fisted at my sides and the need to take him down boiled in my veins. Ethan shot me a look that would have made most cringe. However, we were dealing with my mate here.

No one except for me was allowed to even
think
of her in a suggestive way without dying violently. Thankfully the Devil’s advances clearly didn’t tempt Raquel in the slightest. It would have been incredibly bad form to take on Satan—especially when I’d asked him to come.

However, he was treading on paper thin ice at the moment.

“You can do nothing?” Gareth asked diffusing the tension. “You’re the goddamned Devil.”

“For the love of torture,” Satan roared. “I just freed your sorry ass. Does that amount to
nothing
?”

“Calm down and pull your panties out of your crack,” Astrid snapped. “It’s a reasonable fucking question. If you can’t do it, who can?”

“That information will cost you,” Satan said with a sulk.

“Mother humpin’ cowballs on a pointy stick covered in poop,” Astrid mumbled with disgust. “What do you want?”

“Can I get back to you on that?” Satan asked.

“No,” Ethan grumbled as Astrid snapped, “Yes.”

“Wonderful,” Satan bellowed completely ignoring the Vampyre Prince of the North American Dominion. “I’ll let you know my price. Soon.”

Ethan closed his eyes and stared at the ceiling. I was certain he was praying for patience. Satan was tough to swallow under any circumstance—let alone one where he clearly had the upper hand.

“Gareth will continue to age until he finds his true mate. Whomever placed this shoddy ass spell also cursed him,” the Devil informed us.

“Is it a Demonic curse?” I asked.

Satan made a huge show of rolling his eyes and silently counting to ten as his lips moved wordlessly. Watching the Devil pout like a toddler would have been humorous if the stakes weren’t so high.

“If it were Demonic, I could remove it,” he ground out. He looked at Gareth. “It’s not Demonic. This was obviously a two or more asshole job. I removed the Demon spell part. The curse is your problem.”

Gareth nodded. What else could he do?

“My curse was removed by finding my mate,” Raquel said thoughtfully.

“Then it stands to reason that the same person who cursed you, cursed your brother,” Satan said as he pulled out his cell phone and began tapping away.

“What are you doing?” Astrid demanded.

“I’m playing Soda Candy Crush. I’m on level 660 and I found a way to cheat to get more lives. Besides, it’s getting boring here,” Satan replied.

“Wait. You know how to get more lives without paying for them?” Raquel asked, intrigued.

“I do,” he purred suggestively and approached her. “Would you like me to show you how?”

“No,” I said cutting off his advance. “She would not.”

There was no way in Hell we were going to owe the Devil a favor to find out how to cheat at Soda Candy Crush.

“Hello,” Gareth cut it. “Still aging over here.”

“Why do you think it’s the same person who cursed both Raquel and Gareth?” Astrid asked her uncle.

“Cursing is a gift,” Ethan explained before the Devil could exact another favor for an answer. “Very few immortals have the unfortunate gift of laying curses on other immortals.”

“Do you know anyone who has this gift?” I asked.

“No. I don’t,” Ethan answered and then glanced at the Devil with narrowed eyes. “But I would guess he does.”

“Holy Hell, this outing is turning out far to be more interesting than I thought it would.” Satan clapped his hands and grinned. “How about this? We can work out a deal while we find your other siblings. Do you happen to know where they are?”

I want to punch the man, but didn’t dare. Satan forgot about his game as he added up new favors in his head.

“I can find them,” Gareth said stepping forward. “Who’s missing?”

Nathan, Alexander and Lelia,” Ethan informed him tersely. “You can call them here?”

“Not sure that would work if they’re in the same situation I was in. However, I can go to them,” he replied.

“Your gift?” Astrid asked Gareth.

“Yes. And I can take you with me. It won’t be pleasant, but it will work.”

“Please,” Astrid laughed. “I was yanked to Hell by Demons. Nothing can top that.”

“Are you trying to hurt my feelings?” Satan inquired silkily.

“You have feelings?” she countered.

“Well no, but it sounded good. Didn’t it?” Satan replied with a smirk and a shrug.

Ignoring the Devil, Gareth took charge. “Ethan, Astrid, Satan and I will find the others and meet you at the Summit. I’d highly suggest you two hide your mating. Vlad may be very valuable to us. And as you know… he wants Raquel.”

I growled my displeasure at the shitty plan resuming and nodded curtly. Vlad had better be fucking valuable or he would die—slowly.

“I hate that tally whacker,” Satan announced gleefully. “I can’t wait until the bastard ends up in my neck of the woods. But I was under the impression that Napoleon was in charge of the Old Guard at the moment.”

“Napoleon is a fucking Vampyre?” Astrid asked, shocked. “Who made that little turd a Vamp?”

“Don’t know,” Satan answered. “But when you meet him please call him a little turd. I’ll owe you three favors if you do.”

Astrid contemplated his request thoughtfully as Ethan firmly shook his head no. Napoleon was a hateful bastard and evil to the core. Even though Astrid could take him, it would be foolish to have him as an enemy.

“Five favors and I’ll call him an assbucket turd knockin’ little shit for brains,” she offered ignoring Ethan’s very audible groan.

“Deal,” Satan shouted and rubbed his hands together in anticipation of a smackdown or more likely a bloodbath. “Oh and if you tell Vlad ‘
you vant to suck his blood’
I’ll let you call me Uncle Fucker for two weeks.”

“But I don’t
vant
to suck his blood.” Astrid giggled.

“Trust me on this one. Just tell him,” Satan said with a covert wink to me.

The Devil had the information on Vlad despising the way he’d been portrayed in film from me. Part of my favor was directly related to this little tidbit. Vlad was known to go ballistic when mocked.

“Are we ready?” I asked, ignoring Satan as I glanced at our motley crew.

“No, but we’re going anyway,” Raquel said as she quickly hugged her brothers and Astrid. “Let’s get this twerk-wanking shit show on the road.”