Falling Into Grace (8 page)

“Mr. Grace, I hope I have been able to answer all of your questions.” I smile. I want to touch him, but we are surrounded by people.

“Yes, Hannah, you have, but I’m sure I will have more for you tomorrow.” He brushes my hand with his.

“I look forward to it.” I smile and turn. I feel sexy all of a sudden and I want to run and jump with excitement. I grin the whole way home.

I walk in the door, and the kids come running. Kevin is here already.

“Mommy, you got flowers,” Ella is screaming as I take my shoes off. Flowers again? I have to tell Kevin it isn’t necessary to buy me flowers all the time. I see Kevin make his way out of the kitchen.

“I signed for them. Some arrangement.” He looks at me with suspicion. Who the hell sent me flowers? I’m smiling ear to ear, still basking in the sun over what just happened with Aiden. I never thought I would want another man after Chase. The hurt begins, but the excited feeling swirling inside me keeps it at bay.

“Here’s the card, Mommy,” Hunter says as he pulls it from the massive array of flowers. There are so many different colors of roses. There must be at least five dozen. They are beautiful. As I open the card, all eyes are on me.

What is he thinking, and how did he get my home address? I tear the card up and throw it in the garbage. The kids can sense my anger, so they get off the table and head into the den to watch TV. Kevin leans against the counter, looking amused.

“Not a love letter?” He looks at me, trying to hold back his amusement.

“No.” I walk out of the kitchen and head up to my room to change.

When I come back down, I see Kevin on the floor, wrestling with Ella and Hunter. The kids are laughing, and I smile instantly. He is so good with them. I watch them for a bit and Ella sees me.

“Mommy, I have the movie all picked out. Can we watch it now?” She is eager, and I get an idea.

“Yes, we can. I thought you guys might want some chocolate milkshakes while we watch the movie. What do you think of that?” They both stand up and start cheering.

“Get on the couch, and Uncle Kevin will start the movie. I’ll be in, in a minute.”

They make their way to the couch and start jumping. I get the blender out and start to make the shakes. I smile as I think about the time Chase made shakes, and forgot to put the lid on. I had chocolate ice cream and milk everywhere. I giggle at the happy time as I pour the kids’ shakes into plastic cups with lids. I take a tray out and line it all up, grabbing the roll of paper towels, just in case, and tucking them under my arm. The kids are staring at the TV when I come back in, so I wave it in each of their faces. They smile from ear to ear when I hand them their shake.

“Thank you, Mommy,” Hunter says before he starts to drink the shake down.

I hand Kevin his and sit down on the oversized chair next to the couch. I get cozy in it and start to think about my day. Two of the Grace brothers made passes at me today, and I could barely resist either of them. What the hell am I going to do? I guess it’s a good thing that they hate each other, because they will never talk about me to each other. Oh God, what have I done? This is so unprofessional. I could lose my job over this. Richard would be furious with me. What would Chase think? I feel the shame loom over me like a dark cloud. What is Grant up to? He made such a scene in Richard’s office, makes a move on me in the elevator, but then he sends me flowers. What the hell? Aiden was out of left field. I would have never expected this out of him, but his touch just hypnotized me. Even if I wanted him to stop, I don’t think I could have.

I run over the whole thing in my mind. It was so sexy. I never thought I could bear the touch of another man. I just keep on surprising myself every day. I shut my eyes, trying to block all of it out. When I open them, the movie is over and the kids are sound asleep alongside Kevin. His eyes look heavy when they meet mine. I think he has been watching me battle myself internally.

“I’ll help you get them to bed,” he whispers. I take Ella and he takes Hunter. I tuck Ella in, then go into Hunter’s room to kiss him good night. I stop at the door. Kevin tucked Hunter in and is sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at him. I used to love to watch Chase tuck the kids in. The hurt consumes me. I swallow hard as if I am going to push it down, but it starts to invade me. Tears begin to stab at my eyes. Kevin meets my eyes and stands up and walks over to me. He wraps his arms around me and gives me a squeeze. I pull away like I always do. When I walk out of Hunter’s room, Kevin follows me.

“I have to work tomorrow and Friday. My mom said she can take care of the kids tomorrow. I was wondering if you could help me out Friday?” I stop halfway down the staircase and think of Aiden’s touch on the stairs. My blood starts to rush.

“I don’t think it will be a problem; maybe I’ll take them out to dinner and a movie.” He offers a half smile. I can tell he is exhausted, and
I feel bad asking him for help.He has a girlfriend that he never sees, and now I’m asking for a help on a Friday. No wonder she hates me.

“I think they would like that.”

“Good night, Hannah.” He leans over, kisses the top of my head, and walks out the door.

“Good night, Kevin,” I say as I close the door and lock it. I stand there, leaning against it for a while. What have I done today? What was I thinking? Well, apparently I wasn’t thinking. I want to kick myself. What came over me? I beat myself up for a few minutes, then head up to bed. I get into bed and pull the covers over my head, like it will protect me from my thoughts. I’m haunted, like I am each and every night. The memories come back. Crashing down over me, like giant waves.

CHAPTER SEVEN

October 2012

I
go back to sitting in front of the funeral director. There are so many decisions to make, and I can’t make a single one. I wish Richard would get here already so he can help me. As time passes, I just nod to everything that is being said to me. I take out my checkbook and write a few checks.

When I’m done, Kevin drives me home. I have a list of things I need to get together. I have to make a collage of Chase. I can bring in as many pictures as I please. They said they would put them out around the room. I sit in Kevin’s car and stare into space until I hear my name and I look up. I see Kevin squatting next to me with my door open.

“Hannah, I have been saying your name for like five minutes. Where were you?” He takes my hand.

“I’m lost in my own head, I guess.” My world has crashed down, leaving me lost, burning in the flames. I hear a car pulling into the driveway. It’s Becca. I get out of the car and run into her arms. I didn’t realize how much I needed her here until now. I collapse onto the driveway, and she is right there to catch me. We sit on the ground for what seems like forever. She lets me cry and just brushes my hair with her fingers. I can hear her making gentle
shh
sounds to me.

“Hannah, you have to get up; we should go inside.” I become a robot and start to go through the motions of getting up and walking
into the house. My mom is at the table, and I hand her all the information I have. It’s a thick manila envelope filled with instructions.

“Kevin, can you drop Chase’s suit off at the funeral home for me?” I say the words, but they barely make their way out of my mouth. I never thought I would ever speak these words. Kevin nods his head.

I go upstairs and stand in the closet, staring at his suit that I just picked up from the cleaners earlier this week. I pull up the plastic and run my fingers down the sleeve of the jacket. Last weekend we went to an event, and I was cold, so Chase took off his jacket and wrapped it around me. The tears are burning as they leave my eyes. I pull the plastic down and take the suit off the rod. I look for my favorite tie. I pick up his shoes, and head over to his drawers
. I can do this
, I repeat it in my head as I try to think of what I need next. I get out a white shirt, his favorite underwear, and dress socks. I walk over to my jewelry box and take out his cross.

I shut down when I feel the cold metal in my hand. I trace the cross with my thumb, and fall to my knees. I feel so broken. Chase is the only person who is able to put me back together and I no longer have him. “I miss you baby, I love you so much it hurts.” I whimper. I pray that he can hear how much I love him. I think about the last time he told me he loved me. I play it over in my head. He came over to me before I went up to bed. He cupped my neck with his hands and ran his nose up the side of neck. My head fell to the side, and he feathered kisses up to my ear. His warm breathe caressed my ear. “Have I told you yet today how beautiful you are?” He whispered. I closed my eyes as he kissed down my neck and nipped at my collar bone. “I love you Hannah. You are my heart, my soul, my everything.” The memory fades out. Taking a deep breath I get up on unsteady legs and force myself to finish gathering Chase’s things. I head into the closet and put everything in a bag. Stopping at the door I turn around and look at our room. “You are my heart, my soul, my everything.” I repeat his word back into the room knowing he is hearing me.

As I get to the bottom of the stairs, Kevin is waiting by the door. I hand him everything and begin to cry again. He holds me tight, and
I can feel his tears on me. He pulls away and walks out the door. I try to take a deep breath, but the lead feeling takes over again. I just stand and stare until I can get it together. After a few minutes, I go to find my mom.

“Mom, can you make a few calls for me?” I’m sure the phone chain will start, and all the information about the when and where will spread fast.

“Of course, honey, you go and spend time with the kids.” I can see the kids out in the backyard. They are lying on the trampoline, side by side, just staring up at the clouds. Chase loved to do that with them. They would find all sorts of animals in the sky. Becca puts her hand in mine and leads me outside. We both walk over to the trampoline and neither of them notices us until we reach them.

“Aunt Becca,” they both say in unison. They sound a little happy.

“Hey guys, come give me some love,” she says as she holds out her hands. She takes both of them and hugs them tight. Ella looks up at her.

“How long are you staying with us, Aunt Becca?” Without missing a beat, Becca looks her deep in her eyes.

“As long as you need me to, sweetheart.” Ella looks happy.

“Can you sleep in my bed with me tonight?” She looks excited.

“Of course. How about we have a big sleepover?” Becca always knows just the right things to say to them.

“OK, guys,” I interrupt. “It’s time for some dinner.”

We all head back into the house. I’m still avoiding phone calls, so my mom has had the phone to her ear all day. I go through the motions of dinner and bath time. I tuck the kids into my bed again. Becca and I lie there, talking about when they were babies. They love to hear those stories.

Soon they fall asleep, and we go downstairs for some much-needed wine. I sit in the den while she gets the drinks. She is all caught up-to-date from Kevin. I remember hearing them talk earlier when I was getting the kids out of the tub. I am so thankful for Kevin. He has done all the dirty work for me so far.

“Becca, what the hell am I going to do? I can’t do this alone.” I lean forward and put my elbows on my knees. I rub my face and start to cry. I never thought it was possible to cry this much. Just when I think I am empty, more follows. We stay downstairs until about two, just talking about everything. After we crawl into bed and curl up with the kids. She holds my hand and falls asleep. I lie there until I see the sunrise. Today is the day I will see Chase in a casket. I have a shiver run down my spine. I am hollow, emotionally drained, and lost.

CHAPTER EIGHT

June 2013

I
sit up in bed and look at the clock. It’s 3:41 a.m. I put my legs out in front of me and stretch for a few minutes, feeling my muscles loosen. Aiden pops into my head. I lie back on the bed, reliving my escapade with him in the stairwell. I wanted him so badly. I’m surprised at myself for letting him touch me. His hands felt so good on me. I don’t know why I gave in so easily. Then again, I gave in pretty easily to Grant. He was just, hypnotizing. Oh crap. I sit back up and stretch over my legs, till I touch my toes. Why am I so stupid? Grant is nothing like Aiden. He thinks he can get whatever he wants when he wants it. I’m so happy I slapped him. Oh, and the flowers. Why the hell would he send me flowers, and how did he get my home address?

I don’t want to go to work today. Why did I say I would go in? Why did Tori say she thinks Grant likes me? Well, she can read her sons like books. I wonder if she will know what happened between me and Aiden. I bet when he went back into the room, she read him like a book. Oh God, I hope she can’t read me like a book. I need to get my poker face on. I have to ignore the both of them.

Grant and Aiden both keep popping into my head as I shower. I can still feel their touch on my body, and I want that again. I get out and do my new morning rituals. Well, if I have to face them,
I want to look good, just in case Aiden feels the need to ask me more questions. I wonder if that was his intent the whole time. I walk into my closet and pace. What should I wear? Scrubs or regular clothes? Scrubs are more comfortable…I try on about ten things before I find the perfect combination. A gray fitted pencil skirt and a light-blue blouse. I put on my lacy underwear and matching bra and start to dress. I leave the shirt’s top button open just for some sex appeal, then I think
no
and button it. I grab my highest heels. If I’m going up against Aiden, or Grant, for that matter, I need to be taller. They have almost a foot on me.