Falling Into Grace (11 page)

CHAPTER TEN

I
begin a packing list in my head as I drive home. I take inventory and think about the laundry I have to do. I pull into the driveway and sit for a minute. Why do I feel like I’m doing something wrong? I shouldn’t go…What am I going to tell the kids? What if they start crying and don’t want me to go? I’d have to call the hospital and tell Mrs. Grace I can’t go. Part of me is saddened by this and the other half is relieved. I’ll let them make the decision. I see them at the door so I get out of the truck.

“Mommy,” they both yell as the run toward me. I get my stance ready. They’re not so little anymore, and with both of them running, I know they can knock me over. I grab them both tightly, and I feel an ache in my heart. Maybe I shouldn’t go. I’ll miss them too much. Hunter grabs my face to get my attention.

“Mommy, Grandma called and she says you’re letting us spend the weekend at her house. She said we can go swimming and play with the dog and go to Chuck E. Cheese.” He is so excited.

“Mommy, Grandma said I can play dress up, and she will take me to the hair salon.” Ella is even more excited. I feel relieved. They are so happy to spend a weekend away from me. It shouldn’t hurt my feelings, but it does.

“I’m happy that you’re so excited.” I have to push the words out.

“Mommy, can I go and pack?” Ella looks at me, beaming with excitement.

“Yes, take the clothes out and lay them on your bed.” They both jump down and run back into the house. I follow behind them and watch as they run up the stairs. I walk into the kitchen, put my stuff down on the counter, and hear my mom sigh.

“So, Mary told me you are going away this weekend with a patient?” My mom doesn’t know what to make of this, and she is eyeing me.

“It’s not what you’re thinking, Mom.” I give her the teenage voice. “Mrs. Grace is a special patient. Her son has donated forty million dollars to the hospital; he is expecting the best patient care for his mother. I’m just going to make sure she remains stable on the trip, because she shouldn’t be flying in this condition.” I give her the ‘that’s it’ look. It’s nothing more than that. I am going to take care of a patient and nothing else.
Nothing
, I scream at myself. She looks satisfied with the answer. I must be getting better with my poker face.

“I told Mary to call me if she needed help. I would be more than happy to help.” I realize she is disappointed she isn’t watching the kids.

“I’m sure Mary would like that.” I give her a hug and squeeze her tight.

“I would much rather you take the kids, Mom, but Richard jumped on the chance to have them.” I feel bad.

“No, it’s OK. Another time Hannah, another time.” She swipes my hair behind my ear and kisses my check.

“I have to get home to feed your father.” And with that she is gone.

I start to gather the laundry and put in the first load. I go into each of their closets and take out their overnight bags. Ella did a surprisingly good job picking out her clothes. She has all different piles. Socks, underwear—she is so organized, much like me. I laugh as I refold everything and pack it all away neatly. One down, one to go.

Hunter’s room is a mess. He is much like his father. I see clothes everywhere. I start to refold them, making piles of what to pack and what to put away. When I finally finish, I head down into the living room, where the kids are picking out movies to take with them.

“Two each,” I yell. This is a fight waiting to happen. They both choose two and shove them into a bag. The night goes fast; I never
thought that they would be up for this. After their bath they get into their pajamas, and we snuggle for a while. I let them stay up a little later than usual. I do this more for me because I need to get my fill. I tuck them both into bed and go into my room. What the hell am I going to pack? I’m sure I won’t have to wear business attire; I will be in their house. I start to gather things, laying them all out on my bed.
This will have to do
, I think as I get my suitcase out.

For the next few hours, I finish up with the odds and ends of packing and laundry. In the bathroom I get my makeup bag out and start to gather up my stuff. My phone rings. Who is calling me this late? I think as I walk over to get it.

“Hey, it’s me,” I hear after I say hello. It’s Kevin. Shit. I have to cancel on him for tomorrow with the kids.

“I was just calling about tomorrow.” He sounds so tired.

“Kev, I meant to call you before, but I got caught up with the kids. I have to go away tomorrow on a trip.” I pause.
Let me rephrase this
. “I have to fly with a patient and get her settled. I’ll be coming home on Sunday. Mary and Richard are taking the kids for the weekend.”

“Oh, OK. I’ll stop by their house this weekend.” His voice is low. “You OK, Han?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just scrambling around to get everything in order before I leave.” I sit down on my bed.

“Hannah, have a safe trip and call me when you land.”

“I will, Kevin. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” I hang up and stare out my window. All of a sudden, I’m there. My bubble has burst and Chase’s death haunts me.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

October 2012

H
unter starts to stir and I rub his back. He rolls over and looks at me. I know what he is thinking. I don’t want to say anything; the tears swell up in his eyes, and I pull him close. I rub his back for a while, and he just cries.

“I’m so sorry, honey. I miss him too.” I kiss the top of his head, and we lie for a while.

Ella wakes up and climbs over Becca to be with us. All three of us just lie together and cry. I hold them tight so they can feel my love.
Am I going to be enough for them
? I push the thought away. “Let’s go and eat some breakfast,” I say, they haven’t been eating much lately.

I know I’m not hungry, but they have to be, since they didn’t eat dinner last night. As we head out of bed, Becca wakes up and joins us. Kevin is in the kitchen when we walk in, and he takes Ella in his lap and hugs her tight. She hugs him tighter.

“I stopped and got bagels on my way over, I got the French toast ones.” he said.

I get a glimpse at myself in a mirror, and I don’t recognize whom I see. I see a pale face with dark circle and a hollow soul; seeing this makes me sick. We get through the morning, and I realize that this is how I will have to start living my life. I have to get through one minute at a time. I head up to my room to get some time alone. After running a bath, I get in and go underwater. I like that I can’t hear anything
under the water. I tried to turn off all my thoughts after I saw Chase’s body lying on that table.

I come up out of the water and catch my breath. I can see Chase in my mind, his sexy smile and the way he used to look at me. I will never feel his hands on me again. I push my big toe into the Roman faucet that is sticking out of the wall. I can still hear the sound of his voice in my head. I miss not only the sound of his voice, but his touch, his body. I don’t even feel the tears leaving my eyes anymore. I stand up and walk over to the shower. I need white noise, and the running water satisfies that need. I stand there, not wanting to wash my hair. I’m procrastinating getting ready. I just want to stay in my house and never leave again. When I get out, I sit on my bed, just staring at nothing. Becca comes in.

“Hey you.” I look over at her. I can’t even stir up a fake smile. She walks over and runs her finger through my wet hair.

“It’s going to be a long day.” She sits down beside me.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I got some new clothes for you to wear today and tomorrow.” She smiles at me.

“No, it’s fine. I don’t want to think about things like that, so whatever. I trust you.” She seems to be relieved, like she expected me to argue.

“Good, come try this on.” I go in the closet and look at the two outfits. One is a pantsuit, and the other is a black dress. I go for the pantsuit. I pull my hair back into a bun, rub in some face lotion, and stare at myself in the mirror. I don’t know why this has happened. Did I have such a good life that I have to be punished for being happy? I used to have it all. A wonderful, gorgeous husband who worshiped me and supported me in everything I did. Beautiful children and an amazing home. Chase was my home. The rug has been ripped from underneath my feet, and I can’t get back up. What am I going to do? I feel Becca’s hand on my shoulder. I look up at her, trying to find the answers.

“It’s time to go.”

June 2013

When I roll over, it’s only 2:43 a.m. I’ve barely slept 3 hrs. I get up and wander around my room. I find myself thinking about the Grace men again. What I am allowing them to do to me. It’s unprofessional, and I don’t know what has come over me. It’s not like me to act this way. I never thought I would be thinking about another man or men so soon. I can’t believe I kissed two different men in random places around the hospital. I start to laugh mirthlessly. It felt so good, and I want to do it again, but no, I can’t do it again, and I won’t. I just need to keep focused and do my job. I think I’m almost convinced I can do this. I lie back down trying to distract myself with what tomorrow will be like, but it doesn’t help. My mind goes right back to Chase.

October 2012

I find myself standing in front of Chase’s casket. I lean over and touch his hand. He is cold and lifeless. This is not my Chase anymore; it’s just his shell. I look around the room that is decorated with our life story. I see pictures from when we first met to the most recent pictures we took last weekend. I wish I could rewind time and get all those days back. We are smiling in the pictures; we were so happy. I wonder if I will ever smile like that again. Will the kids smile like that again? Over the next several hours, I stand in front of Chase while people hug and kiss me and tell me how sorry they are. I just nod and hug them back. I can hear people talking, but I have no idea what they are saying. I’m just so detached from everything and everyone.

The priest comes in and does a small service. The room is so crowded, and I don’t think I know all the people, but they all knew Chase; they are all here for him. Kevin hasn’t left my side since we arrived at the funeral home. I take his hand in mine during the service, and he gives me a half-forced smile. When it’s over, we take our place and start shaking hands and hugging people again. I’m relieved when I realize it’s time to go home. One day down and one more to go. Tomorrow will be my final good-bye. Tomorrow will be the day I have to stand up in front of everyone in the church and talk about my
life with Chase. My heart hurts, and my soul is bare. Please don’t make me say good-bye.

June 2013

When I look up, I realize it’s already dawn. I turn on the TV and listen to the weather. I should look up the weather for the Cape. I grab my phone and look it up; it’s the usual—partly cloudy, partly sunny. This always drove Chase crazy; he would talk about how many different ways the weatherman can tell you the same thing. Looks like rain late tonight, then nice the rest of the weekend.

I get out of bed and head into the shower. I take my time to deep condition, then shave and exfoliate. I decide to leave my hair wavy. It needs a trim; it has been way too long, but there is nothing I can do about that now. I take out gel and scrunch it a bit. Once I approve, I walk into the closet and get dressed. I want to be comfortable, but I want to look professional. Black pants should be good, and I grab a lacy tank and cardigan, then my flats. I put a little makeup on, and then pack up all my remaining things. I zip the suitcase closed and lug it down the stairs. Ella is the first one up.

“Do I have to go to school today?” she whines.

“Yes, lovey. Grandma will pick you and Hunter up after school, and then you can have your weekend of fun.” She jumps down each step with excitement, as she follows me down the stairs.

“I want blueberry pancakes, Mommy.” She is smiling ear to ear. How can I say no to that face?

“Well then, I better start making them if you are going to be on time for school today.” We head into the kitchen. Hunter doesn’t come down until the pancakes are on the table. He is fully dressed and ready to go. We all eat and then the kids head upstairs to finish getting ready. I pack up their toothbrushes and toothpaste. I should pack their Tylenol and thermometer too. I grab a bag and put it all in. We are all downstairs, and I leave all their stuff by the front door for Mary to get later.

When I get to their school, I get out of the truck to hug them.

“Mommy, you’re so embarrassing,” Ella yells at me. I hug and kiss her anyway. Hunter is standing there patiently waiting for his turn to be hugged and kissed.

“Mommy, I’m going to miss you so much,” Hunter whispers in my ear. I can feel tears coming to my eyes, and I push them back the best I can.

“I’ll miss you more, buddy.”

I watch them run into the school. I can’t believe I’m leaving them for the weekend, and I can’t believe they are fine with it. I get back into the truck and head home. I have everything ready to go, so all I can do now is wait. I walk into the kitchen and finish cleaning up breakfast, when the phone rings, and I see Becca’s name on my caller ID and smile.

“Hey, Bec, what’s up?” I miss her.

“Nothing, just calling to catch up. What’s new?” I pause; she is going to see right through me and know what I was up to these last few days.

“l am going away in a few hours.” I pause just to see what her reaction will be.

“What…You’re going away? Where are you going and with whom?” She is so overprotective of me.

“It’s not like that. I have a patient—a top-priority case—who lives in Cape Cod, and I will be escorting her back home and staying with her until Sunday just to get her settled. Her son made a large donation to the hospital, so Richard wants to do everything in his power to make sure we secure the funding.” There it is, the truth. This is what I will be doing this weekend. It’s nothing more and nothing less than that. Who am I kidding?

“Oh, why did Richard pick you?” She is always filled with questions. I guess that’s why she is a powerhouse lawyer who dominates the West Coast.