Falling Into Grace (5 page)

When I arrive in her room, the three stooges are there, and they are fighting.

“Oh, fuck Grant, Mom; he is an arrogant asshole who couldn’t even come here while you were half dead.” Aiden sounds angry.

“Don’t talk about your brother that way. If it weren’t for him, you would have never gotten through college or where you are now,” she snarls.

I walk in and all eyes turn to me. Aiden moves to look out the window. John stays by his mom.

“Are you ready to move?” I ask, trying to pretend I didn’t hear anything.

She smiles at me. I help gather her belongings, and we are on our way. It’s a short trip to her new room, only two floors up. I walk behind her bed as it’s pushed into her room. The room is beautiful; it looks like a luxurious hotel room. There is a huge, new, state-of-the-art bed with a beautiful cream comforter, and instead of the normal uncomfortable chair next to the bed, there is an oversized cream chair with a light-pink cashmere blanket draped over the side arm. It looks like you would sink right into it. The windows are covered in the most beautiful draperies. The theme is creams and pinks. I love it, and so does Mrs. Grace. She looks happy and relieved. I bet she is going to sleep like a dream tonight.

Aiden gets one glimpse of the room and exclaims loudly, “You have got to be fucking kidding me.”

“What?” Shane questions. “Are you jealous you didn’t think of this first?”

Aiden’s hands form into fists, and his eyes go dark. “Fuck you, Shane.” His voice is loud and deep.

Shane keeps antagonizing him.

“That’s your problem with Grant, isn’t it? He keeps coming up with the ideas before you, and it’s driving you crazy.” Shane’s ears are getting red, as well as his face.

Aiden’s eyes are cold, and he takes one step toward Shane. I cringe because I hate confrontation, and I have a feeling I will have to end this. I wait, hoping it will die down, but the room gets more intense.

I grab Aiden’s arm and drag him out of the room. I think everyone is shocked. When we are in the hallway, I get in his face.

“Listen, I don’t know what is going on, and it is none of my business, but your mom is my business. If you’re going to keep throwing temper tantrums in there like a child, I will kick you out of the hospital and not allow you back in. She just had open-heart surgery, and you are stressing her out. You need to stop, right now.” I can feel his body tense. With that I turn and walk back into the room, leaving him staring at me.

“Gentleman, could you please excuse us for a moment?” I stare Shane down and he flinches apologetically for antagonizing Aiden.

Mrs. Grace looks amused, with a smirk on her face, as her sons file out quietly.

“I am going to make them all leave the hospital if they keep behaving this way,” I say, still very flustered.

“Well, Hannah, I have never seen anyone handle Aiden like that.” She giggles like a schoolgirl. “He can be overbearing at times, but it comes from a place of love.” She pauses and looks pale. I quickly walk over to check her monitors. All looks good except her heart rate. It has picked up speed. She looks up at me.

“Their father died when they were young, and they all grew up much faster than they had to. Grant held us all together, but he is hardly ever here. Aiden is just mad at him for not dropping what he is doing to be here.” Her heart rate steadies, and I can breathe again.

“Hannah dear, do you have children?”

I smile, thinking of Hunter and Ella. “Yes, I do, two children—they are twins, Hunter and Ella.” She can see the pride beaming out of me because she feels the same for her children.

“I don’t mean to be rude, but are you married?” she asks. I look down at my hands. I’m wearing my wedding band and engagement ring. I haven’t been able to take them off. I don’t think I ever will. I feel uncomfortable, and I shift my weight from one foot to the other.

“I’m widowed,” I whisper.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” I shrug my shoulders and give her a forced half smile. We are in the same club.

“Hannah, honey, if I can give you a bit of advice…” I look up into her lost, lonely eyes.

“Sure.” At this point I’m so lost, I don’t know up from down.

“Move on, dear. I made the mistake…” She pauses, and I can’t read her expression. Guilt, maybe? “I never moved on, and the boys suffered from it.” I just stare at her. How could I move on? How can anyone compare to Chase?

“Don’t try now if it’s all still new, but think about it. I regret not having a man in the house to give the boys what they needed.” She looks down at her hands. How did she know it’s still new?

“Mrs. Grace, I think you did a fine job with your sons. They are wonderful men who love and care about you.” I rub her arm. “You need to rest now. I will be back in a bit to check up on you before I leave.”

I walk out of the room with so many thoughts filling my head. Lately I have been able to shut everything off as best I could, and now my mind is on overdrive. Why did she ask me if I was married? I have my rings on. Did she know? Why does she feel the need to tell me I have to move on? She never did, and she looks like she is doing just fine. I try to push all these thoughts out of my head as I go through the rest of my busy day.

Before leaving I make my last pit stop in her room, and the three stooges are nowhere to be found.

“Is everything all right?” I ask with a soft tone.

“Oh yes, dear, Grant just called, and he is coming back a few days earlier than planned. Shane and John went to the airport to pick him up. I think you will like him, dear. He is a wonderful man.” Is she kidding me? Is she trying to set me up with her son? She is out of her goddamn mind. She must know I’m not ready, or am willing, for that matter.

“I’m happy for you, Mrs. Grace. I will be leaving for the night, and I will be back tomorrow. I put Sara in charge of you tonight, so I would consider it a personal favor if you were nice to her. I can assure
you she will not flirt with your sons,” I say, smiling, and she agrees by nodding her head.

I have to get home for my date tonight. Yes, a date with my wonderful, beautiful children. As I get into my car, I take a deep breath. I can do this; I can put the happy face back on and have a great night with the kids. I stop at a store on the way home to pick up a few new shades of nail polish; maybe I’ll even do my nails. When I walk in the door, they both come running, excited to start the fun stuff. They have already finished eating, and Hunter has gotten my mom to cover the table with newspaper. We are all set and ready to go. My mom leaves smiling. She can tell I’m coming back. I’m finding my way back out of the deep, dark forest. I start painting Ella’s nails when I hear the front door open.

“Uncle Kevin, come quick and help me paint my helicopter.” Kevin comes in with a bouquet of roses. Beautiful pink roses with cream tips. He leans down and kisses my cheek. I look at him with frustration. I give him the not-here-not-now look. He bends down to Ella and hands her the flowers.
Good
, I think. Good diversion.

“Oh, Uncle Kevin, they are beautiful! I love them! Mommy, can I put them in my room?” Her look is so sweet, I can’t say no.

“Of course, honey. After I have painted your nails, we can put them in a vase, and I’ll carry them up to your room.” I smile gently at her.

“Oh, Mommy, this is the best day ever!” I love the look in her eyes. It looks like she is getting her innocence back. It makes me feel a little better.

Once we are done with arts and crafts time, I take the kids upstairs to take a bath. Kevin stays as usual. He is here at least three nights a week. I have been trying to get him to come less. He has to get on with his life too. We tuck the kids into bed and head downstairs. I sit on the couch and flick on the TV.

“Can I get you a glass of wine?” he asks. I know where this is going, and I don’t want to have the same argument over and over again, but if we are, I need a glass of wine.

“Sure,” I say, not even glancing over at him.

With that he pours two glasses of wine and sits next to me.

“Hannah, we need to talk.” He has aged immensely since Chase died. His face is gaunt, as he has lost weight.

“Why, Kevin? So we can have the same fight we have been having since Chase died? I don’t see the point. You’re not going to change my mind.” I stand and walk into the kitchen.

I place my arms in front of the sink and bend my head down; I can feel the stretch down the back of my neck and into my shoulders. This cannot happen again. When Chase died Kevin wanted to step in. For a brief moment I considered it, I really did. I thought I could possibly love him one day. I knew the kids would be ok with him as their father, and then I realized I would be replacing him as Chase. I couldn’t do it, I felt like on some level I was cheating on Chase. He could never replace Chase, and I would be using him. I can’t do that to him, I love Kevin like a brother, but he wants to be more. He promised Chase on his death bed, that he would take care of me. The problem is, he doesn’t know how to do that without being my partner, lover, or father to my children. I startle at Kevin’s touch. He is standing behind me with his hands on my hips. I can feel him pressed against me and instantly I move away from him. I can’t have this conversation again. I turn and look into his eyes. They are almost black they are so dark. I know he is scared of pushing me too far, but it doesn’t stop him keeping his promise to Chase.

“Kevin…no. This is never going to happen. I care for you, but not in the way you want me to. You were Chase’s best friend. How could I ever be with you?”

“Hannah.” He leans his arms on either side of me, trapping me between the sink and him. When I look to the side, he grabs my face with just one hand to make me look at him. The other hand is still at my side.

“Hannah, I love you. I want to be with you. Can’t you just try for the kids’ sake?” He is pleading with me as he always does when we talk about this.

“Are you out of your fucking mind?” I’m angry. My reaction to his come ons are always the same. The thought of being with him makes
the bile rise in the back of my throat. He is more like my best friend or brother.

“What do you want? For the kids to call you Uncle-Daddy Kevin?” My words are sharp, slicing through him like knives. “Or is it that you just want to fuck me in the bed where Chase used to fuck me? I have no need to do any of those things with you. How many times do I have to tell you that? I need you as a friend and nothing more. The kids need you as Uncle Kevin.” I’m breathing fast, and he steps back in shock. Its then I see the hurt in his eyes. Seeing the pain in his face does not make me feel good, but I have to make it clear that I am not interested in him.

“Kevin, I think you need to get over this. It’s not happening. If you keep doing this, I am going to tell you not to come over anymore. And I don’t want that. The kids wouldn’t want that, so please drop it.” I’m shaking and the tears begin. I wish Chase were still here; then I would never have to deal with any of this.

“What happened to Vanessa?” I ask. Kevin just shakes his head and runs his finger along his jawline.

“I fucked it up. I fuck everything up. It’s what I do best.” He’s looking down now. I feel bad but this is how I feel. I can’t do it. I can’t be with him in the way he wants. He starts to walk away, and I follow him. We stop at the door, and he cups my neck. I lean my head to the side and close my eyes. He slips one of his hands into my hair and pulls me close to his chest. I can feel his heartbeat against my ear. I haven’t been this close to anyone since Chase has been gone. The pain surges deep in my chest, and the hurt creeps back. I take a deep breath, and he kisses my cheek.

“I love you, Hannah. I don’t want to hurt you. I’ll leave you alone; I will do anything you need me to.” I kiss his cheek and he leaves. I lock the door and feel exhausted. I go into Chase’s office and get on the treadmill. I need to run until it hurts. I want my body to hurt as bad as my heart.

I run for two hours, until I can barely make it up to my bed. I lie back, still all sweaty, and the memories come back, crashing down on me like giant waves.

CHAPTER SIX

October 2012

I
sit all night staring up at the ceiling. Hunter is sideways in the bed, with his head on my stomach. He is restless. I gently slide his head down to rest on the bed before sliding out of bed and walking to the safe. I pull out an envelope. I remember the agent handing it to me when Chase and I did our life insurance policies.

“I hope you never have to open this,” he had said as he handed it to me.

“I hope so too,” I had said, taking it from him.

That day I had put it in the safe and never thought about it again, until now. I open it up, and start to read. It is the usual legal mumbo jumbo. I get a million. We chose a million for both of us. It will pay off the house and leave enough for me to open two trust funds for the kids. I sigh; I never thought I would have to do this. Before I know it, I have everything emptied out of the safe, going through all of Chase’s business info. He owns fifty percent, and so does Kevin.

I have no idea what I am going to do with Chase’s business. I’ll probably just sign it all over to Kevin. The pain begins to consume me. It pulses through every cell in my body. The subtle ache in my chest begins to crest and swallow me whole. I weep hidden on the closet floor behind Chase’s clothes. I pull down a shirt and bring it to my nose. It smells like him. If I close my eyes maybe I can pretend like
he right next to me. I can pretend his arms are around me. This makes the tears come harder and faster. The kids wake up and start to cry for Daddy. I cry too, because I can’t give them what they so desperately want. I can’t bring Chase back, and just the thought of that breaks me down all over again. As a parent I’m supposed to protect my children, they were never supposed to feel pain of this magnitude. We are all lying on the floor when Kevin walks in. I go to sit up, but he stops me. He gets down on the floor with us, taking Ella out of my arms and bringing her to his chest. I watch as wraps and arm securely around her tiny frame while the other brushes through her hair. He cries softly into her blonde hair. I watch Ella cling to Kevin, like he will soon disappear. Glancing down at Hunter, I see Chase in all of his features. I run my hand slowly down his cheek catching the stream of tears. He looks so lost and fragile. I push my fears out of my head in hopes of becoming stronger for them. The room is filled with so much angst. I get the strength to get up.