Fallen (12 page)

Even though I was upset with him I gave into my aroused hormones and had sex with him that night. Only while I was having sex I thought about not only him but Tiffany. I did like her touches and kisses. I also thought about Jay and how I missed him controling my body. The emotional aspect of our sex life was missing and would never be there after that episode with Tiffany. Kai only lusted for me. Jay and I made love and I wanted to make love to him again. When we finished I didn’t even hold Kai I held the pilow wishing it was my husband. I needed him.

My increasingly bad nerves wouldn’t let me wait another day to stop by the auto shop and chat with Jay about the changes that were going on in both of our lives. I knew that I had made my bed and it was a messy one, but my concern, our concern should be Jalal and his future. Going to the shop made me anxious with butterflies in my tummy. I knew how the inside of the shop worked. From the outside it’s a bunch of greasy men focused on repairs and getting the job done. But on the inside it’s a wel of gossip and man to man talks. That’s why I cringed at the thought of stepping inside. I knew that I had been caled every name in the book and that Jay held no bars with teling him why we weren’t together. This wasn’t a regular job where the boss kept his life separate, they were like a family. Some of the workers had been at the shop with Jay almost as long as it had been opened.

My sweaty palms opened the doors to the shop as I nervously approached the front desk. It stil had that cold airy feel like always. Off white wals smudged with oily fingerprints and random postings of posters as a reminder of when to get work done on your car. At one time I made it my business to keep the waiting area of the shop comfortable for guest. It was the first and only room that customers would see and I wanted to make sure they remembered it. Fuly stocked hot chocolate and coffee, Glade plugins and new magazines made the wait a little more comfortable. Overtime I got bored with that task and directed whatever receptionist he had hired to do the job. I was too busy with school and working on my own career.

Ronnie, one of the repair men, starred at me like a ghost had appeared in front of him. I waited for his jaw to close to see if he was going to cal Jay but it was as if the words got stuck in his throat. Before he could open his mouth I peeked my head off to the side to further listen to the conversation going on inside of Jay’s office. I could hear the voice of a woman asking him what he wanted for lunch, and he quickly replied a turkey hoagie no cheese everything extra mayo, his usual. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I felt that flushed feeling, you know the kind a woman feels when she thinks she’s caught her man cheating. When the evidence is right before your eyes and you’re going over it like it’s a movie and it’s no t realy going on. That feeling of
I know this is not happening
, that makes you lose your mind before you over react in a public scene while the butterflies swarm in your stomach to the point you can barely breathe, yea that feeling. Jealously formed a tight knot in my stomach as rage steamed inside of me, I knew I had no right to be upset but I never considered Jay being involved with a female.

Noticing that I had caught wind to the office convo, Ronnie’s eyes darted at me letting me know that she was more than a friend. The woman sashayed passed me looking straight at the door like she didn’t see me standing in the smal room. First Ronnie viewed me like a ghost now her? I had no place in this shop I was invisible here too. I quickly looked her over as any woman would. The woman was average at best, aren’t they always? About my age but no older than 40 her body wasn’t even intact. About a size 16 standing 5’9 she was a little more than thick, but I guess that’s what Jay liked. He never cared about me losing weight but at the same time he never hated it either. Her hair was in a neat short cut and her clothes looked as if she was a frequent shopper at The Loft. Nothing too jazzy or fabulous about this one. She did have a pretty face though. Stil my body and style was far beyond hers so in my book she was stil a downgrade.

“Hey Mae” Jay said.

I was surprised in how friendly his tone was as he addressed me. The Jay I knew could have a mean streak but he actualy seemed happy to see me. His words softened me up enough to reply back as I brushed passed Ronnie and walked into Jay’s office.

“Hey”

It was refreshing to be sitting in Jay’s office, something I hadn’t done in years. I used to bring Jay his lunch, before I was wrapped up into my own job or even on my days off. I would hang around the office for hours just to make up for time lost in the home while the boys were at school. We al lived in this shop in those days. After school the boys and I would stop by so they could see their daddy in action. Jay would take the time to teach them some manly lessons then we would rush home to prepare dinner for him before he got home.

“Mae you lost weight.”

Now usualy I would have indulged in the compliment but I could tel he didn’t mean it in that way. His face was kind of turned up as if I looked like a disgrace in his eyes.

“Is that a good thing?” I said.

“Take it how you want.”

“Wel considering you’ve been bumping hips with Queen Latifah, I’l take it as a compliment.” I was proud of my weight loss so I ignored him and his failed attempt to take a jab.

“Who was that?” I snapped at him as soon as he closed the door behind me.

“That is you getting ahead of yourself asking me questions about my personal life.” How quickly his demeanor changed once his ears heard that question.

I decided to let the issue go because I could do my own research and I didn’t want the visit to get started on a bad foot. We sat and talked for an hour about the kids as he updated me on news they hadn’t told me. I felt completely ashamed to be out of the loop.

As we talked about Jalal and Kahliyah I could sense the hurt and concern in his tone. He voiced how much he wanted Jalal to play footbal but at the end of the day it’s his life and he made his own bed. Weren’t we al learning how to lay in filth? Awkward moments of silence and stares got us through the long talk as we both tried our best to be civil and co-parent. This was something new for both of us, and wasn’t something I was sure I wanted to get used to.

A knock on the door let me know that it was time for us to finish talking. It was the woman returning with his lunch. I didn’t budge at first. I hoped that Jay would take his food and dismiss the woman but that didn’t happen. Leah, who I was introduced to, sat down in the chair next to me as if I was disrupting their time, stil I didn’t budge.

“Are you joining us for lunch?” she questioned with a smirk.

I didn’t know who that bitch was trying to play but she had the wrong one. Her average ass didn’t have anything on me and I could tel by how Jay looked at me he was stil in love. She obviously didn’t know her place. I had three kids by him and history, she was nothing more than a temporary replacement while we worked things out. She couldn’t seriously think that the fluke they shared could even compare. I should’ve smacked that smirk off her face but I knew better then to give people the satisfaction of even appearing to be a factor in the equation.

“A turkey hoagie?” I replied with a chuckle. “I can cook sweetie
my
husband
deserves a better meal then that.”

Jay looked extremely uncomfortable. So at that point I let myself out but not without teling Jay I’d be by the house sometime next week to see the kids. I knew it wasn’t a game I should be playing but she was too bold. Driving back to the house it dawned on me that Leah was Kai’s old neighbor. She had moved from the duplex next door two months ago. Her hair was slightly longer before which is probably why I didn’t recognize her at first. I only saw her coming and going a few times out of the house but I had also seen her a few times getting her brakes done at the shop prior to our split.

I never spoke to her upon exiting Kai’s because she looked familiar and I wasn’t sure where I knew her from. Kai and I would joke about her hearing us having sex. Snake ass hoe coming to the shop was plotting on Jay the whole time. She probably couldn’t wait to tel him about his wife. I always had to deal with females trying to take my place but I was even more upset that I practicaly gave her the goal shot.

I lit and inhaled a smal joint I saved from Kai. With the stress that I had been feeling the past couple of months, joints and pils helped me deal with things like a champ. Things were getting too real. Everyone in Phily always said that this was a smal city but damn. How the hel did I get ratted out by some chick that goes to my husband’s shop that just so happens to be my boyfriend’s next door neighbor?

For the next couple of days my mind struggled trying to make sense of the world around me, Leah, Kaliyah, Jalal, Tiffany, Jay it was beginning to be too many names to keep up with. I was an emotional wreck and Kai didn’t do a good job of consoling me. He had been acting funny for the last couple of days and our arguments gave him an excuse to stay away from the house. I was taking my stress out on him but that was because he didn’t offer any relief. He was supposed to be my man, yet, by being distant he made my problems appear to be a burden to him. I was a burden to him. Ever since we decided to try our best to make a cake out of an empty recipe I’ve been an obligation and not in a relationship. Yes we had good times but I knew that he let me s tay with him and tried to give me some of what I needed in a man because he felt obligated as Jason’s friend.

I had to cal Porscha on this one. Even though she didn’t agree with my actions at the time, I needed my hype man. You don’t always want to hear the right thing but you always want to hear something from those who know you best. I had been neglecting our friendship out of my own guilt and it was time for me to come to terms with the bridges I was burning.

Of course my girl was more than wiling to meet with me and talk. She packed up little Jayla and we met at a park near her house while we watched the princess play. I had been neglecting my baby too so she was super excited to see me. She ran up to me and jumped right into my arms. Her smile was so big with her bright eyes popping out I had to return the expression. She loved me and that’s what I was missing in my life, that unconditional love that only an innocent child can give. Her hug felt powerful in my arms and gave me strength. Kids can do that to you. They have that strong love that no matter what you do they love you. She didn’t know about anything that was going on so in her eyes I was just Auntie Ramae. I wished my boys stil had that kind of love in them. They were grown enough to make their own decisions and to decide on the truth.

Looked me up and down. “Are you high?”

I gave my friend a hug, “I missed you boo.” Of course I was high.

I was always lit these days because I needed to get through al the confusion. I didn’t need to get high I just needed to get through the stress. I wouldn’t tel her that because al she would do is blame it on Kai and me being in his house. Sure I was introduced to the drugs in his home, but it was my decision to take them and stil was. Most of the time, Kai didn’t even know I was taking them because he wasn’t around and I wasn’t sure if he noticed if anything was missing.

“Yea whatever, so what’s new?”

“Everything Porshca, my life is a mess?”

“Wel that damn sure ain’t new.” She said and laughed.

“I’m serious. Kahliyah is pregnant and Jay has a girlfriend.”

“What? Oh Mae I’m so sorry. What is Ja going to do?”

“They’re not keeping that baby, I’m not having that.”

“Is that what he wants?”

“Don’t go there.” I said. ”

“Wel who is the chick Jay is with?”

“Some woman named Leah.”

“Leah? She sounds ugly.” Porscha put her hands on her hips. “You know I can find out where she lives right? We can be over there in no time to get her out the picture.” She joked with me.

“I don’t want any problems. Guess what?”

“There’s more?”

“That’s the bitch that told on me Porscha, she’s Kai’s old neighbor.”

“Damn, karma is a bitch.”

“Shutup”

“I’m just saying.”

“Yea I know what you’re saying.” I shook my head.

“Wel what about you and Kai, is everything okay?”

“Yea, everything is okay with us. But I’m stil hurt about Jay.”

“And you should be.” She roled her eyes and turned to watch Jayla on the slide. “That cake looks good right?”

“Huh? What cake are you talking about?”

“The one you’re trying to eat.”

I had to laugh at her joke. I stood clueless at the cross roads of the present and the future. I was trying to make the best of a bad situation, regardless no one could know the hurt that I felt inside. There was no way I ever wanted to see Jay with another woman.

“Wel that bitch has to go, you and Jay need to work things out.”

“I’m with Kai now.”

“Mae,” she shot her eyes at me. “you heard what I said.”

The Tiffany situation was just one that I would have to deal with alone. I didn’t know how to tel my girl about my lesbian moment scared that she would judge me. Then again, who knew what skeletons she had in her own closet? Stil it was something I would rather keep to myself. When we tel our friends too many bad things about our relationships we can’t be mad at them for hating who we’re with.

Porscha never held her tongue about Kai and that story would only make it worse.

Things have to get worse before they can get better right? Wel things were about to get real bad. A rumor had been going around the office about new managers taking over but nothing had been confirmed. I assumed that the reason my bosses were so nonchalant about giving me the time off earlier in the summer was because they knew that change was about to come. Of course with the economy everyone was already on pins and needles with keeping their job, but now my security was taken also. A large white sign hung in the break room announcing in bold black letters
MANDATORY EMPLOYEE DRUG TESTING
. Yup it was confirmed new managers were taking over. I knew this for sure because some of the employees in the office and managers were using drugs with each other, so they wouldn’t have ever made that decision on their own. It sounds crazy but drugs affect every social class. Some of my coworkers would party like rock stars on the weekends and make it back to the office like chipper chipmunks on Monday. I used to judge but now my actions made me a strong believer of productive addicts. I don’t declare myself an addict but I get high often enough to make it a part of my routine.