Fallen Angel (19 page)

“That’s not what I’m about.”

I cock my brow, just in case he didn’t get how much I have my doubts about where this is headed.

He chuckles, a deep rumbling sound from down in his throat that makes my body react all too happily and completely of its own accord. “Fine. The women, that’s what I’m about. Or, I was. But I’m no cheater.”

I mull this over for a moment before I respond. “Have you ever actually been in a relationship, Angel?”

“Uh....no.”

I laugh. “Then how in the hell would you know if you’re a cheater or not? You’ve never been tempted when you couldn’t automatically say yes.”

“Fine. I’ve never had to keep my pants zipped for anyone else. But I have kept my shit straight just for the sake of keeping my shit straight. I’ve said no to women. And, I think this matters - although you might not, but...I’ve never cheated on a test. Or during a game. Or in a race. Or...to win a bet. Or...” He’s still grasping for more examples when I lean in and kiss him softly.

“I get it,” I whisper. “You’re not a cheater.”

“I’m not a cheater.” And he’s completely serious this time.

***

I
have to force myself to break away from her, to stop myself from taking it any further. That’s not a mistake I’m making a second time. I want to be with her. More than anything I want to feel her body under me again. Feel the way it feels to be inside her. But I won’t let myself. Not tonight. Not until I can do it right. The way she deserves.

“We should probably talk about how we’re going to play this from here on out.” I can’t even look her in the eye when I say it. Keeping this a secret, asking her to lie, it’s a dick move. And I thought so when Royce did it to Hudson, too. And yet, here I am, about to ask Addison to do the same damn thing. I’d like to think it matters that my reasons are different. That she’s not the reason we need to keep this a secret. I am. But I don’t think it really makes it different enough to warrant mentioning. It’s barely enough to ease my guilt.

“I take it you’d rather we didn’t come right out and tell everyone we’re dating.” Then she bites her lip, embarrassed, and I want to lean in and kiss her all over again. “I mean, is that what we’re doing? Are we dating? Like, will there be a repeat of this?”

I laugh, because it’s crazy that she’d even ask me that. After tonight, I’m struggling just to inch my way up to the driveway because it’s that much closer to her front door, that much closer to having to say good night. Having to leave her. Even if it is just for a few hours.

“You can call it whatever you want, Addison. But plan on a lot of repeats. And, because I get the impression from past conversations that this needs specifying, this thing, is meant to be monogamous. You, me. That’s it. Got it? I don’t want to have to wonder the next time I walk in the studio and overhear some inappropriate conversation between you and Brett. I want to know. I need to know...that I’m the only one, Addison.”

Her mouth twitches, curving upward before she stops it and forces it back into a serious straight line. “You do realize that monogamous means you
also
don’t get to see other people, right? Don’t get to see them. Definitely don’t get to have sex with them. Or touch them. Or kiss them. Or flash them that smile of yours that hints at doing dirty things. You know, since we’re specifying.”

She’s still rambling on about all the things I don’t get to do with other women anymore, when I cover her mouth with mine, cradling the back of her head in my hand, curling strands of her soft thick hair around my fingers. I force my tongue in between her lips even as she tries to insist on talking more because I need her to shut up and feel this. To listen to my body and the way it speaks to her. Screams at her. For her. Only her.

“Did you get that?” I’m breathing heavily from the excitement and intensity surging through me just from kissing her. “I don’t want anyone else, Addison. And I need you to get that. Really get it. And I promise I’ll do whatever it takes to keep reminding you as often and for as long as it takes. Because you’re going to have doubts. And I’m going to make them worse when I tell you...that I don’t think we can let anyone know about this.”

Hurt darkens her eyes, but it’s gone again before she opens her mouth to respond.

“That’s fine. Yeah, I mean, I understand. I’m sure the guys would never let you live it down if they found out that you were dating little Addy.” She laughs it off, but it’s hollow and fake and it makes me feel like a piece of shit.

“No, that’s not it. You’re not the one we’re hiding here, Addison. I am. There’s no way in hell your sister is going to go for this. She’s known me too long. Seen too much. I haven’t been the kind of guy anyone wants falling for their baby sister. Trust me. Derek already suspects something’s up and if his reaction is any indication of what the others will think...” I shake my head, lifting my gaze toward the house. “I want to be with you, but we can’t tell anyone. Not yet. Not until I can figure out a way for us to be us, without ripping the band apart at the seams.”

“I’m Yoko Ono,” she says flatly.

I kiss her once more. And I swear this will be the last time I do tonight. I’m already pushing it, sitting right outside their driveway. “It’s not going to come to that. I promise. Just give me enough time to prove myself.”

She nods and her small smirk even makes a reappearance. “So, tonight was...you broadening my musical horizons?”

“Sure, that works.” I shift back into drive and Addison opens the gate with her remote.

I park right behind Blaise. At least we know they’re definitely back home.

She doesn’t wait for me to open the door for her again, which I guess is a good thing. I’m pretty damn sure I’ve never gotten the door for Ava, so it’d probably raise a red flag if I got caught doing it for her sister.

I get the feeling she’s trying to outrun me on the way up to the door, and I let her. It’s my stupid request, I’ll let her play it out however she’s comfortable.

Then, the light from inside spills out and the front door is wide open before Addison even gets there.

“Where the hell have you two been? Did you get into some sort of trouble again? Did Angel have to bail
you
out this time?” She goes straight for her sister and I cut between them before I can stop myself.

“Dude, chill Ava. I just took her out to go see BreakTwo. Found out they were playing in town and I knew Bam Bam’d be into it. Not like anyone else is ever down to just go out anymore now that everyone’s all coupled up.” I’m probably overdoing it, but bullshitting my friends isn’t something I’ve ever done. Never needed to before.

Ava makes a face at me. “Stop bed hopping from one dumb twat to the next every night and stay put for once. Then you’ll have someone to go do shit with.”

“You want Angel to stick with some dumb twat just so he has someone to go to a concert with? Really? You don’t think I’m a better choice than a dumb twat?” Addison mocks her sister. She’s joking, but Ava kinda just pointed out exactly where I stand with women and why going public right now is not a good idea.

“Bam Bam was definitely good company tonight.” I lean in for what is now an awkward hug, then wave at Ava. “But I’m out. I’ve got a bed to find and a dumb twat to hop onto.” Then I turn away and start walking toward my car before I can see Addison’s reaction.

Ava verbalizes hers as usual. “You’re gross and I love you.”

I give a backwards wave and call out without turning my head. “Love you, too.”

Then, I hurry up and get the fuck out of there before I do anything else that could sit happily amongst the slew of stupid things I’ve been doing as of late.

“I
don’t need to say the thing we both know I want to say to you, right?” Ava’s standing at the bottom of the stairs acting way too casual for someone who just caught me trying to make a run for it.

I’m only a few steps from the top when I turn around to indulge her moment of mothering. “I don’t think so, but we both know it’ll just be chillin’ right there at the tip of your tongue until you do. You might as well get it done and over with.”

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt. Especially after what just happened with you and that asshole back at school.” She’s worried, I know she is. She’s also a controlling pain in my ass. But, it’s because she loves me. And because my track record sucks. I make mistakes. A lot of them. But Angel...he’s not one of them.

“Eda, you can relax. I swear. I’m not confused about where I stand with Angel.” There. That’s not even a lie.

“Okay.” She nods, but I get the feeling the gesture is to assure herself and not to agree with me. “I just don’t want your crush getting the best of you. I mean, you just got totally destroyed by some douchebag, and then along comes Angel, being his usual charming self, I’m sure, and then all those years you idolized him as a kid...I don’t want the lines to get blurred...no wishful thinking or hoping for something that’s never going to be more than it is.”

The last of her little speech stings especially. It shouldn’t because I already know she’s wrong, but she doesn’t, and somehow the way she’s so certain he could never have feelings for me outside of pity, well, frankly it’s insulting. Even if she’s not intending it to be.

“I get what you’re saying, but why is that exactly, Eda? Huh? Why do you know without a shadow of a doubt that he would never in a million years fall for a girl like me? What? I’m not pretty enough? And don’t you dare say I lack the brain power, because I’ve seen some of the women he carts around as accessories at award shows.”

Ava looks temporarily stunned. Then she almost laughs at me. “Are you nuts? This isn’t about you not being good enough, Addy. This is about you wanting something Angel can’t give. And he knows that better than anyone. So, out of respect for me, he would never cross that line with you. Even if he did want to hook up with you.” She makes a face as she thinks about what she’s just said. “Although, that would have to be weird considering you’ve always been everyone’s token little sister, the way you followed us all around back then. Especially Angel. I mean, he calls you Bam Bam for fucks sake.”

Not anymore.

“So stop worrying. You just gave every reason you should need to rest easy knowing you have nothing to stress about.”

But she’s not convinced. “Yeah, well. After what happened with your professor, I’m not sure I’ll ever have enough reasons not to worry about you.”

I can’t win. “I get it. I was stupid. I should have known better than to get involved with Hayden.”

Ava scoffs. “Hayden. Even his name is douchebaggy.”

Can’t argue with her there. Although, to be fair, the entire year we were seeing each other, he was actually the exact opposite of douchebaggy. I don’t imagine that will count for much now though. Doesn’t for me either. In the end, he showed his true douchebag colors and there’s no painting pretty over those.

With the topic of Angel successfully put behind us, I continue my trip up the stairs and head straight for my room. All I want to do, is lay sprawled out on my bed and bask in the magic that was my night out with Angel.

Dropping various articles of clothing between my door and the bed, I land on my mattress stripped down to my tank top and panties. I’m done for the night. Nothing and no one will be able to top the mood I’m in, and I’m not chancing anyone taking me down from this high either.

I’m in the middle of replaying some of my favorite conversations of the night in my head when my phone rings. A new wave of giddiness hits me when I see the caller Id and realize it’s Hudson.

“Hey you.”

“Hey yourself. So...how did it go?”

I have to squeal into my pillow just to get it out of my system. “Well, you were right. It was definitely a date.”

He chuckles. “Oh yeah? And how did you figure that out?”

“Um, well, he kind of had to spell it out for me after I accused him of making plans with someone else tonight after me.” I cringe momentarily at the way I misjudged that whole thing, but in the end I like how that one played out, so I’m not too upset about it.

“I’m glad to hear you were able to sort that little mystery out beyond a shadow of a doubt. Believe it or not, I totally get not being clear on where you stand with someone.”

I sit up and glance out of my window into the pitch black outside. There’s a bit of light peeking through the trees that separate their house from ours and I wonder what room it’s coming from and if Hudson’s in it alone. “Date some less than straightforward men before you met Royce?”

He laughs. “Oh, no. Never had a problem with men being upfront,
until
I met Royce.”

“Get out of here. But you two have such an awesome relationship. It’s like you’re on the same page with everything. Half the time I don’t even hear you guys exchange actual words, you just, like, magically know what the other is thinking.” Seriously, people pay counselors good money to translate the shit their partner says to them while Royce and Hudson usually need less than a wink and a smirk to have an entire conversation.

“Yeah,
now
. Ask me what it was like when Ava hired me to go on tour with them and Royce was busy making out with me one minute and then parading Francis around as his girlfriend the next. That shit wasn’t all that easy to navigate, let me tell ya.”

I forgot about that. “Oh. Right. I remember Ava telling me Royce was having a hard time breaking out of that closet.”

“Meanwhile, Angel shouldn’t have that problem. Is it safe to assume the two of you are officially an item? Is the news out? Can Royce start telling Ava what he
really
thinks?” 

God
,
I don’t know
I
want to know what Royce
really
thinks. “I’m Yoko.”

“Come again?”

“I’m Yoko Ono. My current position presents a threat to the band, according to Angel. Which, I’m incline to agree with, especially after the little speech Eda gave me again when I got home tonight. So, no, the news is not out. And your husband better not voice his thoughts to anyone.”

I can hear Hudson exhale on the other end. It doesn’t sound so much disappointed as it does thoughtful.