Fall (23 page)

I went up to the Flats. House Masters did random inspections of rooms to make sure no one was up on the Flats during the schoolday; I would have daytime naps on the floor of my closet, covering myself with blankets and shoes and whatever else belonged on the floor in case a Master popped his head in. I didn’t think I would be able to sleep, but I slept.

Julius couldn’t believe that she was missing. I realized he hadn’t been worried about her before, he had simply been pining for her: wondering where his love was rather than thinking she was gone.

He slept at his father’s house that night. I left the curtains open, watched the blue light shine on the papers on his desk.

“I’m scared,” he said the next night. “I’m really scared.”

“Don’t be scared,” I said. “There’s a simple explanation.”

In the dark I tried to work things out with him; certain words, guttural consonants, would loosen the back of my palate, and blood from my healing nose would ease down my throat. I remember what it felt like to say, “She’s not gone,” the nasal difficulty of the “not,” the “gone” making me taste my blood.

Naturally none of us was privy to all that was going on. I pieced some of it together later. Julius spent many hours helping the police. At some point his help elided into explanation and self-defence. The whole business moved more quickly than it normally might have; the people involved—Julius’s father, Fall’s mother—ensured that.

Christmas exams were approaching. I was expected to fly to Australia for the holiday. None of us knew how long this would go on.

I told Julius every night that there was a simple explanation. To me then it seemed simpler than it does now.

“Do you think she ran away?” he said. To him that was somehow saddest.

T
HIS IS A
neighbourhood I’m thinking.

He said it’s apartment C I say.

C she says.

You first she says.

The light in the stairway’s yellow. I guess C’s on the third floor I say.

Someone’s cooking onions she whispers.

I’m starving.

William says we should meet the neighbours I whisper.

Who are they she whispers.

I haven’t met them I whisper.

C.

Click.

Shouldn’t we knock.

He’s fishing.

It’s dark she says.

It smells.

Be nice.

Where’s the light.

There.

I wonder if we’ll fuck or eat first.

We’re not allowed to drink, eat, or have sex here I’m saying. And you’re not allowed to go into the bathroom ’cause you’ll see he has hemorrhoids.

Do you talk about sex with William.

No I say. Yes.

Do you tell him about me.

Are you hungry.

A little. Let’s sit down for a second.

K.

You sit there in the big chair. That must be where William sits.

William I say.

William. He’s so nice she says. I feel so weird being here, but he’s so nice to let us.

It’s so strange to see how someone lives she says. This is where he lives.

I’m sitting.

This is where he puts his body I’m thinking.

He thinks here she says.

He has a fuckin toy car I say. He has a little metal NASCAR thing. Ho ho.

That’s so cute.

William. So he sits here and drinks his drink. Should we go through his drawers.

No.

Come on.

No.

You look so pretty Fall.

She’s quiet.

Are you sad.

No.

What’s in the head.

Nothing. I’m just thinking about William. I wonder how my dad lives sometimes.

Yeah.

Does he sit on a big chair like that. What does he think about.

Yeah.

Was William ever married she says.

Yeah. Twice.

Why are you standing.

I don’t know.

You’re so restless, J, sit down.

I’m sitting.

Does he have girlfriends.

I think so. Yeah. I don’t know if he takes them back here. If they stay here.

They must she says. I wonder if they’re comfortable.

Fuck no.

Why not.

I don’t know. Look at it.

I like it she says. It’s a man’s place.

You like a man’s place.

Yeah.

I guess it’s nice I say. It is nice. It’s small I say. I’m wondering why our parents’ places are so fuckin big.

Why are you standing.

I wanna look around. I wanna find more toys. Come on.

There’s the kitchen.

It’s so small.

Maybe he can’t cook I say. I can’t cook.

Here’s the bedroom she says.

I’m standing behind her. We’re cuddling. I kiss the back of her head.

I guess William gets a cuddle too sometimes. A nice fat cuddle and a woman with arms like cold cheese. This place is great I’m thinking. You just need a quiet small box with love and breathing and a fridge and a candle and maybe a little toy car.

You know I say. Dad’s got this place where you can fly a flock of eagles in the dining room and I bet William feels lucky he lives here.

Yeah she says.

I don’t know though I say. It smells like an old suit.

We’re not going to fuck right now and it’s right.

William she says.

This is Chinatown and Little Italy’s down the street she says.

Is it.

I’ve been here once with mom.

We’re holding hands through gloves.

I forget we’re in a city I say. You know what I mean.

We don’t get out she says.

This is a city.

Spare any change.

No.

Sorry.

Have a good night.

It’s a city.

Let’s do everything I’m saying. Let’s have a perfect dinner. A big fuckin pasta or something small and pretty like you like and some beer or wine and dessert.

Let’s have some food we’ve never had she says. It’s our anniversary.

Yeah. But it has to be something delicious and gigantic. And small and pretty like you like.

Vietnamese.

Sure.

Indian.

Ok.

Thai.

Why not.

Or Italian.

Who knows.

I should have worn black she says.

She flips her hair. I’m not sure I like it when girls flip their hair but fuck she’s pretty and she’s Fall.

She knows how lots of guys like her. I know she knows. I like how many guys like her. I don’t love it I’m thinking, but I like it. This guy coming here with his girlfriend he’s gonna look at Fall for a second.

Yep.

And his girlfriend’s pretty but she’s not as BEAUtiful as Fall, uh uh.

She’s mine.

You’re mine I say.

Am I.

What’s this place it’s packed.

Oh I think I heard about it she says.

It’s packed.

Wanna try it.

Maybe.

I feel like I don’t even know how to walk into that place she says.

Let’s keep walking I say and maybe there’s another place, or we could come back.

Ok.

Spare any change folks.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Have a nice night.

Thanks she says.

How about this place.

It’s cute she says.

Yeah.

I don’t know.

No.

Let’s keep walking.

I squeeze her hand.

I look at her.

She’s smiling but not looking at me.

It’s cold on my face and warm in my coat and the world’s behind glass and we’ll open the door.

I’ve never had Korean food I say.

Neither have I she says.

That place was Korean.

Yeah.

Wanna look.

Sure.

It’s crowded.

It’s bright.

Could be good.

They’re cooking their own.

Mm.

They’re cooking their own food. Look. They’ve got, like, barbecues on the tables. Fun she says.

I can’t cook.

Let’s try she says.

Can I have a steak.

Come on, J, let’s try.

Let’s do it.

Ling-a-ling.

Fuck me it’s hot.

Hello good evening.

Hello.

Two.

Please.

Follow me.

She’s pretty.

I’ve gotta take my coat off. It’s hot I say.

Please. Enjoy.

She’s pretty.

I’ll take Fall’s coat because I’m a gentleman.

Where do we put these I say.

I saw a rack near the door she says.

She looks young.

I’m walking back to the front. Everyone’s staring at me but they’re not, they’re eating, I don’t know how to cook, I guess I just hang the coats here. Plastic. Noel says a coat loses its shape unless it’s hung on a wooden coat hanger.

She’s pretty.

Will I fuck an older woman one day.

I love chopsticks and they make me nervous. People eat with different things.

My Fall.

Hi.

So what do we eat.

Are you ok sitting there she says.

Yeah it’s great I say. We can change if you want.

Let’s change halfway through she says, I’m happy just looking at you. I just wanna see everyone cooking it’s so fun in here. You can order, like, beef or chicken and then. See, I was watching those people over there, and he sort of picked a bunch of meat from a bowl and he’s cooking it.

She stops. She’s cute and excited and she stops. It’s great I say. Where’s the waitress.

There’s no rush she says.

She smiles.

I’m smiling.

I’m excited.

I’m young.

Kimchi.

Dak-gui.

Gimbap.

Japchae.

I have no fuckin . . . What do you feel like I say.

I feel like number one-forty-eight, Cheonggukjang-jjigae she says.

Just kidding she says.

There’s chicken I say. And beef.

And salads she says.

Maybe we should ask.

Maybe I should be cooler for a minute.

There’s a hot fuckin barbecue in the middle of the table.

Hi.

Hello. Ready to order.

Maybe.

You be here before.

No.

Ok. So. You order what you want from here. One, two, three, like you want. Meat. Fish. But, say number one, you cook. Two, you cook. Six, all cook. I bring chicken, you cook here.

Ok. Do you cook anything.

Chef she says.

Pardon.

I cook nothing. Ha ha. I come back.

That couple’s not talking, they’re staring at us. He’s staring at Fall. I’m staring at him. Fall’s staring at the menu.

Fun she says.

Let’s get drunk I say.

Ok.

Beer.

No. I want a cocktail or something. Or wine.

Do they have wine. I’ll try wine.

There’s a wine list she says. You order.

I don’t know what to choose. What’s the most expensive.

A hundred and ninety-five.

Get that.

No.

That guy was staring at you I whisper.

I know she whispers.

Some couples don’t talk I’m whispering. They don’t have sex and they don’t talk.

We won’t be like that she whispers.

We can whisper instead of talking sometimes I whisper.

We can whisper when we have sex she whispers.

I’m starting a hard-on.

. . .

There.

Could we order drinks I say. My wife would like a glass of white wine. And I’ll take a beer.

What kind.

Um.

You try OB. Korean beer.

Ok.

Let’s order, my stomach’s eating the bottom of my tongue I swear.

You should order that beef thing, number five she says. You cook it. And I’ll have a mango salad. And let’s try that combo thing, the kimchi and everything. I think I’ve heard of that. I think that’s what those people got she whispers.

I liked calling you my wife, it made me feel sort of smart and fat.

Good.

Happy anniversary, Fall.

Happy anniversary, J.

I’m so fuckin hungry.

Now his wife or whatever is staring at me. I’m pretty sure she’s staring.

I’m getting good at cooking. I’m gonna become a Korean chef I say.

You are a Korean chef she says.

This beef is so fff . . . It’s so good.

This is all so good she says.

That woman’s staring for sure I’m thinking. Should I say hi to her.

I’ll smile at her.

She’s smiling.

That’s nice.

Have you kids been here before she says.

No we say.

We like it a lot she says.

We do too says Fall.

There’s the waitress. Could we get more drinks.

Our kids aren’t as adventurous as you guys she says.

Huh I’m saying to my mind. Huh. A little phony laugh. Why did I smile at that woman. Huh. Do we have to talk to them all night.

Do you kids live near here.

Just down the street I say. I drive cars for a living I say. Kind of a car jockey.

Her husband’s smiling. He’s wearing all black. I’m gonna ask him if he’s a thief. Are you a gay thief I’m thinking and smiling at him.

Well enjoy the rest of your meal she says.

Thank you we say and I feel like moving.

Hm says Fall.

The beer.

What’s that wine like I say.

It’s ok.

She’s my home. She’s my safe place after weird strangers. They’re talking like phonies. They can’t hear us anymore.

I’m not crazy about these pickles I’m saying.

They’re ok she says. I’ve had something like them at a Japanese restaurant. Mom has a friend who eats nothing but stuff like this and I have to stand far away from her or her breath will, like, gas me. It’s true. She’s mom’s best friend but they’re so fake with each other sometimes. I love your Lexus, I miss the older models. You know.

Yeah.

But there’s like a weird connection. Mom has thousands of friends, but she’s her only real friend.

Ok.

It’s like you look at them and you can tell maybe that they’ve been hurt the same way or something.

Look at her. I think she’s really smart. I don’t really understand.