Fall (18 page)

I knew it would be warmer in the grove and that she would be comfortable down there. “The chill from the water seems distant,” I told her later.

I stayed away long enough to pretend to have seen Julius. When I found her again she had retreated out of the woods.

“Where is he?”

I laughed.

“It’s hilarious. He’s down there, but I can’t give it away. He’s done something really funny.”

“Why can’t he come up?”

“I told him. I said she’s on crutches. He was sorry, but you’ll see when you’re down there. I didn’t get it at first but he said it was an anniversary thing.”

“Like what?”

“I can’t say.”

“Is he fourteen? I’m on crutches.”

“I can carry you.”

“No.”

“It’s not far.”

I was getting nervous now. I would have to explain myself soon. When she said no to my offer to carry her, I wanted to carry her all the more.

“I’m gonna go back,” she said.

“Why? We’re so close.”

“You guys are tricking me or something. It’s cold.”

“It would be so easy to carry you. Seriously. It would take one minute. Leave your crutches. I’ll carry you down. I’ll come back up and get your crutches.”

“I’m not going without my crutches.”

“I’ll carry them with you, then.”

She hopped a little, turned around, and I thought she was turning again to go back to school but she handed me her crutches. I realized this was finally my chance to hold her.

I was conscious of shaking. I wanted to seem as strong and reliable as possible. When I picked her up I held her as tightly as I could to keep my shaking under control. I wanted to be affectionate with her but I thought I could save that for later.

“It’s cold,” I said.

“It’s freezing,” she said.

I was holding her crutches underneath her like a bed and I wondered for the first time what on earth I was intending to do. I tried to keep my face away.

When I close my eyes I imagine her looking up at me. My grip is looser.

“Sometimes my mind races far away from itself,” I said. “I can’t slow its movement. As soon as I wake up in the morning it surges through these odd, poisonous labyrinths. I catch myself sometimes thinking, I can’t believe I just thought that.”

“Put me down, Noel.”

“It’s okay. I’m just saying that I need some calm. I need something to make me calm.”

“I can walk. We’re coming, J!”

She shouted it.

“We’re coming, J!”

I shouted, too. “We’re coming, Julius!”

The hill down to the river was steep. I hadn’t realized on my own how narrow the trail was but now that I was carrying a girl and crutches crosswise, I was surprised.

“Slow down,” she said.

She clung to me and I loved it. I felt like laughing the way Julius did when he was keeping the ball from someone.

I hit her foot against a tree and it twisted her injured ankle. The crutch caught against my arm and I almost fell.

I hadn’t realized how much I had hurt her until we were down by the river and I noticed she was crying.

She was strangely heavy when I asked her what was wrong. It was terrible to see her like that. I was down on one knee and holding her and saying, “It’s okay, it’s okay, what’s wrong?” and I kissed her cheek. Her limpness, I discovered, was the coil before the spring.

She flailed away from me in a panic, and I didn’t understand. She was crouching and looking around. I didn’t understand what pain she must have been in with her ankle. Possibly I broke it.

“I’m so sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Where is he?”

“He’s coming.”

“You said he was here.”

“It’s part of the game.”

“What game?”

“The surprise. He told me to pretend. He’s coming.”

I really didn’t know her.

When she was crying like that, in her honest teenage frenzy, I really didn’t know her. We both needed to be calm but I didn’t know what to do. “Julius is coming. Don’t worry.”

It looked like she didn’t know where to turn. The river was near at her back. She was standing on one foot. I was holding her crutches.

“It’s warmer over here,” I said. “The chill from the water seems distant.”

I was trying to figure out what to say. My pity for her was somehow making my desire more acute and I felt I could articulate none of it. I just wanted her to touch me. Carrying her down the hill felt like a missed opportunity.

“Can I please have my crutches?” she said.

I went toward her and I felt like I couldn’t stop. I dropped the crutches and pressed myself against her. I felt I could convince her.

She said, “Stop,” and I held her arms and I was a concert of “Please,” an octopus of “Please.” Wake up in a field of poppies and weeds: my “please” was all around her. I didn’t want to stop.

She kept turning her face away from my mouth and all I wanted to do was convince her.

I was pushing her backward—forward in my mind—and she tried to get around me.

Our feet were in the water and the cold was slightly sobering. My fingers were sore from holding on to her coat.

I told her that nobody owned her like I did, that he couldn’t be hers anymore. She kept saying “Don’t!” and “Julius!” I thought that maybe she was resisting because she was afraid he would see us together. “Please,” I said.

I wanted her to be quiet. I wanted to calm us both. When I ran away later I remembered reading somewhere that shock or just the right blow could make someone choke on her tongue. I wanted silence, the right new start.

“He’s not coming, is he?”

“He’s coming.”

“I’m going to tell him,” she said. She pushed and said, “Get off me.”

I couldn’t stop pressing.

“I don’t like you.”

I never understood.

I remember raging and not knowing why. The why never stops the rage. I was picking up gravel and frantic in the cold, punching at nothing, and knowing I had to change everything. “I’m sure he’ll come and find you,” I said.

I threw her crutches into the river and ran up the hill to change things.

T
HIS SHIRT LOOKS
good on me.

I’ve eaten beef and milk.

I’ll light a candle in the sunroom.

I don’t know where they are.

Marie-Claude.

Jool.

I need a candle.

For what.

For a candle.

I get you dat. What collar.

Red. White. I don’t know.

I love her. There’s nothing but love in her fat.

I’m excited more than nervous and I feel like barfing.

I give you tree.

Three’s great.

Her fingers are fat.

A friend’s coming over I say.

Bon she says.

Night I say.

Bon nuit Monsieur Jool.

Ok I say.

There’s a stranger in every corner in the dark where these lamps don’t reach but the house is mine and we’ll close the sunroom door. She’s quiet when we fuck but it’s not my fault. All these lamps and
golden circles on the floor and roof and the week’s so swollen it’s nine on a Friday night.

Eight fifty-four.

Six more minutes and I’ll let her in the gate.

Shoes.

Teeth.

Hair.

Piss.

Still some beef in the teeth.

Coat.

Fuck the gloves.

Fuck it’s cold.

The driveway’s long in winter.

RCMP.

Maybe she’s here.

Hi.

Sir.

You must be cold standing here.

The heater in my booth’s ok.

Nice. I have a friend coming.

Yes sir.

I don’t know what to say. I have nothing to say about that or them or anything.

That may be your friend sir.

She’s thin and shy in that coat and I can see her breath. That’s her I say.

I wave.

She waves. She’s smiling.

Hi.

Hi.

Thanks man.

Sir. Ma’am.

Thanks.

I keep my distance.

Your teeth are perfect I’m saying. There’s that tiny gap down low on the side, I want to kiss it.

You will.

We’re walking apart.

Maybe it’ll snow she says.

I love your smile.

I love yours.

We’re smiling up to the house.

Mmm she says. It’s warm in here.

Yeah. Here.

I take her cold coat and her neck’s warm on my fingers.

I hang her cold coat.

She’s gorgeous.

I look at her necklace.

We hug.

We kiss.

It’s a soft one.

We’re hugging.

I love her.

Hm she says.

Her eyes are closed and she licks her lips.

I turn off the light in the hall.

We’re not strangers.

Do you want anything.

No thanks.

Marie-Claude’s gone to bed.

Has she.

Everyone’s gone.

I tell her that so she’ll be comfortable.

I’m telling you that so you’ll be comfortable.

I know.

We hug.

She smells so good.

I’ve been thinking about you she says.

Have you.

Mmh hmm.

What about.

Secret things.

I kiss her smile.

Her lips are tight. I’m thinking she doesn’t want to kiss.

She opens her mouth.

She wants to kiss.

Her tongue’s so soft and wet and hard and warm and cold. I kiss her lips and say Inside your mouth it’s like everything good that can’t be together.

Hm.

I kiss her lips.

We press our foreheads together and do the eye thing, hers are one and mine must be one so four becomes two and that’s algebra.

I love your eyes she says.

I love yours I say. They’re so beautiful. They’re green for fuck’s sakes I say and I pick her up and she’s mine.

I put her down.

It’s like you make me calm and excite me at the same time she says. That’s what I was thinking about on the way here. I’m thinking I like the way she thinks.

And it’s our anniversary in, like, five weeks she says.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You sure you don’t want anything.

I want a chocolate fondue she says.

There’s a noise upstairs.

It’s still early I say. Maybe not everyone’s asleep yet. I can get Marie-Claude for your chocolate.

I’m kidding she says. I need the bathroom.

I watch her walk out.

I look at the wood panels.

There’s gold and silver and wood and something purple in the middle of everything.

I should study tomorrow.

I can hear her piss.

I don’t want to.

I’m humming.

Flush.

Maybe I should go too.

I’m holding out my arms for a hug.

Hi.

Hi.

Mmm.

We should go to the sunroom.

There’s a noise upstairs.

Ok.

It can get pretty cold in there.

That’s ok she says.

We’re walking through gold and past a flag and the sunroom’s black and freezing.

Brr she says.

Leave the doors open, get some heat in here I say.

Ok.

Just for a minute.

There’s a noise in the house.

Look at the stars she says. It’s beautiful.

Wait here.

I can’t remember where I put the candles. Kitchen. I’m Julius getting the candles from the kitchen in this huge place which is mine and I’m calm and we’re hanging out and I do not have a hard-on. We’ll get a place of our own.

I’ll light one and carry it.

Ouch.

Stupid.

Ouch that feels good.

Pretty she says.

I’m burning myself with the wax I say.

Are you ok.

I forgot candlesticks.

I saw some she says.

She goes. I love her. Wax feels good. Why do people wear leather and whip each other, they look stupid.

Here she says. They have eagles on them. So many eagles in this place she says.

She takes the other candles and pushes them into the sticks.

I’ll light them.

I light them.

Phoo.

I love the smell of candles she says.

I’m putting the burned candle down and thinking it smells warm and it drips wax and that’ll piss off one of the maids.

She hugs me from behind.

I like that.

She kisses my neck.

I like that.

It’s not about sex tonight I’m thinking. In your own house you get to know each other.

What was your favourite birthday I say.

Hm she says.

She lets go.

My favourite birthday. I think it’ll be this year she says. I’ll spend it with you.

She smiles.

We can change together she says.

Fuck I love her. I don’t understand her.

I hold her hips and press.

I fuckin love her so much.

We do the eye thing.

There’s a noise in the house.

Her eyes move after the noise and we don’t say anything.

We walk right up to the windows. My arm’s around her and we’re looking at things we can’t really see and when I change my eyes I’m seeing my face, I look good in this shirt, and I breathe in through my nose and smell the candle and cold.

She’s pretty tall.

I see more of the river and black twigs of trees.

We’re quiet and looking and loving. She’s reaching over and she’s rubbing the change in my pocket ’cause I think she thinks it’s my cock. There. That’s my cock. She’s rubbing it in a calm way like she’s never done and I pull her closer and I smell her hair and she hugs me with her other arm and keeps rubbing, I like it, and I feel like we could be the parents of the things outside the windows.

It’s beautiful she says.

I like it I say.

She squeezes. We’ll have lots of sex tonight I’ve decided.

I’ll close the door I say. You’re not too cold I say.

Hug me she says.

There’s a flame and us in every window.

It looks warm I say. Anyway.

She pushes her head into my neck.

I kiss the top of her head.

She’s pushing her chest into me.

Her hips move away.

I’m thinking about boats.