Fall (24 page)

I don’t know she says.

This is our anniversary I’m thinking. She’s smart over there and talking and thinking her thoughts and maybe life’s not smarter or bigger than this.

I don’t know she says. I kind of love her. She’s mom’s best friend. But her breath smells like pickles.

I’m reaching over the barbecue and holding her hand and my forearm’s gonna melt and we’ll eat it with hot wine. I’ve had two beers and I need to piss.

I’m coming back I say.

The couple’s gone.

They’ve left.

Thank god she says.

Why don’t we change seats.

Please she says. I wish we changed before.

Sorry.

That guy was a creep.

Was he.

Totally. He was staring.

I know.

No, but more than staring. When you were in the bathroom.

What.

His wife’s looking down, paying the bill and I look over at them, right. And I caught his eye for a second and he’s looking at me and he’s going like this: You’re Hot.

What.

Not saying it out loud, but moving his lips. You’re Hot.

What!

While his wife’s right there she says.

That fuckin middle-aged guy!

Yes! You’re Hot. I didn’t know where to look. I think I was staring at him, you know. Wondering if he was really saying that.

I’m gonna kick his ass.

You should.

Is he gone.

I think so.

She’s laughing.

What’s funny.

When they were leaving he dropped this in my lap. His card.

No!

Yeah.

No way!

His phone number.

No! Didn’t she say they had kids our age. You could be his kid.

It’s not like I wanted it.

What a slimy fucker. Let’s call him.

No.

Yes I say. Call him and tell him He’s Hot.

There’s a pay phone near the bathroom.

Don’t J.

Come on.

After dinner. Let’s do it after dinner.

Ok.

There’s more meat.

She’s good with chopsticks. Look at those fingers.

What does it say on his card.

Just his name she says. Here.

Sean McAdams 514-849-5929.

I think you should talk to him I say.

No way, J. You’re my husband. You have to call and be, like, outraged. But eat. I want dessert. I want green tea ice cream.

I wonder if there’s a way I’m saying to stop the meat sticking to the grill like this. Maybe you could rub it with Vaseline or something.

I can’t eat any more she says.

She’s puffing out her face.

She’s funny.

For a pretty girl you do funny faces.

Pretty girls can do all kinds of things she says. We can, like, hold up numbers in boxing. Between rounds.

Bikini.

I think we’ve talked mostly about food tonight she says.

I wanna call that guy I say.

Will you be outraged.

I think you should talk I say.

Should I tell him I can’t stop thinking about him.

Tell him you wanna back into him. You wanna pull down your jeans and back into him.

Straight to the point she says.

I’ll talk to him I say. I wanna talk to him.

I’m definitely not talking to him she says.

Let’s go to the pay phone. He won’t know.

Calm down for a second. We have to pay.

She calls for the waitress like a woman with long fingers.

It’s an answering machine.

Hang up she says. What were you gonna say anyway.

I don’t know. I was gonna see what he said.

If it’s an answering machine I’ll call she says. Give me the credit card.

Really.

I was scared of talking to him.

What’ll you say.

That I love him.

Make him cry.

No. I’ll be honest she says.

She’s smiling.

She’s dialing.

She breathes in deep through her nose and I feel like giggling and squeezing my little boy’s cock like I’m playing hide-and-seek.

Hi she says. I hope I’ve reached Sean McAdams. You left me your card earlier tonight and . . . I don’t know . . . I wanted to talk to you as soon as I was alone.

Hee.

She’s getting sexy.

I can’t leave you my number in case my boyfriend answers so maybe I’ll try again later.

She hangs up.

Hee I say. Do it again.

Should I.

Fuck yeah.

What if he answers.

You can hang up.

Hee we say.

She’s dialing.

Hi Sean. It’s Fallon, from before. I . . . uh . . . I just wanted to see if you were around yet. It’s just me here. Maybe you’ll pick up. It’s just me here with my . . . um . . . cat. Julius. He’s purring.

She hangs up.

Hoo.

Do it again.

No way! He’ll pick up.

So hang up. Here. I wanna call.

I’ll do it she says. I wanna do it, it’s me he was hitting on.

She’s dialing.

Hoo I’m thinking. What’s funny what’s funny what’s funny.

Hi Sean. It’s Fallon again. I guess you’re still out. Was that your wife you were with at dinner. I wish I could talk to you . . .

She’s quiet for a while what’s . . .

You looked really interesting she says.

She hangs up and I say Ooo, that was convincing. Spooky convincing. Do it again.

No.

Tell him you’re wearing nothing but lips.

No.

Come on.

We’re standing next to the bathroom she says.

I take his card from the top of the phone.

This is a date.

This is a date she says. I want to sit somewhere quiet with you.

Like a bar.

Not smoky.

Like a lounge.

Yeah. Like on a couch.

Nice.

I should have worn black she says.

I’m thinking there’s a hole in my sock.

Sometimes I wanna eat you, Fall, I swear. Sometimes I just wanna know everything about you. You tell me every minute of every day since you were born. You tell me every minute that made your skin into what it is, ok, and those eyes into that shape, then I’ll know where you came from and it’ll be the same as eating you.

She’s quiet.

I love you I say.

I’m so in love with you Julius.

In the middle of my brain there’s a tiny red pool and a thousand long toes of chicks in bikinis are warming and kicking and stirring, plish plip.

How fuckin hip and warm is this bathroom, I’m gonna sit here for a while.

She just said something and I’m smiling but I couldn’t hear and I’m wondering if I should say what.

I’m smiling.

She’s smiling.

I guess that smiling’s enough.

I left you a note under your door at school she says.

Cool I say. This is a cool place.

I love it she says.

I feel like getting high. We should sit on the same couch I’m thinking but I like looking at her over there on her own on that big couch she’s in the middle of the world’s open hand.

I feel like getting high I say.

She’s laughing.

There’s a question in her eye and she’s drinking. This place isn’t as quiet as it looks outside.

You look cute over there on that couch she says. You look like a little boy or something she shouts. Sitting inya . . .

I can’t hear.

I’ll move closer in a second. I should come here with Chuckie.

I’m moving.

I can’t hear I say. I think you said something like I can’t believe how smart you are, you’re the guy with the yard-long cock.

That’s right she says. Sit back over there.

I’m kissing her head and her hair smells like hair.

She’s touching my arm and it tickles.

I’m thinking about telling her that she’s quiet but she gets mad when I tell her she’s quiet.

You’re quiet I say.

No I’m not.

What’s in the head.

I don’t know. I’m just having a good time.

She’s mad. No she’s not.

Me too I say. I’m gonna buy some shots.

Ok.

Who knows what’s gonna happen tonight.

That bartender is beautiful, oof.

Some tits are like a home and an adventure at the same time.

I’m gonna write that down.

Can I have two shots of tequila.

Sure.

She’s looking like she wants to card me but they carded me at the door, she knows that.

Something’s bothering me.

She’s so fuckin hot.

What was. Something’s bothering me.

That fuckin guy at the restaurant. You can’t just say to somebody’s girlfriend You’re Hot. What did Fall do, anyway, what was she like when he said that. Did she smile. I don’t know what she’s like when I’m not around. Maybe she fuckin smiled. She should have told me right away. Maybe she said something to him. She’s mine. He didn’t respect that. I respected his wife. I did. He’s a skinny black-wearing faggot I should have barbecued him.

Here you go.

Oh, nice. Thanks.

What a smile.

I don’t know how to carry the lemon and everything. I’ll come back.

I’m spilling it.

Where am I. These couches are so cool. I’m never gonna sit in a living room I’m gonna come to places like this. I’m gonna live with William, except he’ll be Fall.

Hey, shots!

It’s tequila. I’ve gotta get the lemon and salt.

I’ll wait she says.

What else happens when I’m not near her.

Am I jealous. What would I do if some other guy gave her his card like that and she didn’t tell me. I have his card. I’m gonna call him later.

What if she has a closet full of cards of bald gay thieves who want to steal her. What if some of them are beefy and hot and hung and ripped and cut. Does anyone like tequila.

That was fast she says.

I have to keep my eye on you I say.

Do you.

Let’s have some tequila she says.

You’re beautiful I say.

You’re beautiful she says.

I like being alone with you.

Me too. I was thinking about Sarah and Chuck and some of those guys she says, and I was thinking how nice it is that it’s just the two of us. Right. We can have fun like there’s lots of us, but it’s just us two.

Ok.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Lick.

Shake.

Drink.

Suck.

Hoo that’s disgusting.

Let’s get two more.

We’re getting the next round together I say. I’m watching you all night I say.

H
OW WILL THE
missing react to being found? Will there be relief in being brought back into the arms of the world or will we find new places to hide?

A search party was organized by the community and the police. It was assumed that if Fall had been abducted there might be local clues, an earring resting on the snow by the road. Or if she had been despondent she might have gone to a familiar place to end her life. They say that suicides are contemplated from high points, with views of the land we want to leave.

The search took place on a Saturday. I, along with most of the rest of the school, took part. Many residents of Sutton were also involved. We rallied at the front of the school, near the Girls’ Flats, and were given instructions by the police on how to search and how to alert each other if something significant was found. I had a few glimpses of Fall’s mother.

We weren’t told to join hands but many people did as they walked. People took it very seriously or with a contained giddiness of purpose. I saw strangers at a distance.

I felt ill.

The search was to culminate by the river. It took almost two hours to get there as we slowly filed through the parks of Sutton. Riversides are where questions are asked or silenced. The police took a more careful role as we approached the slopes near the water.

It’s a quiet memory, despite what was going through my mind at the time. Our feet in the snow, the delicate conversations of people
wanting to discover, not wanting to discover. I kept looking up and seeing everyone moving forward with the same silent backs. I found it impossible to imagine myself doing anything but joining them; how wrong it would be to see one lone figure darting, or even walking, away in a different direction.

It seems like the beginning of my days. The minor distractions on the ground, the slow united march toward an artificial purpose. As I commute to work I look up sometimes and can’t believe that we are all doing it together. I can’t believe how necessary it has been for me.

As I stood by the river some memories came back and I swallowed my vomit so I wouldn’t draw attention.

I remember leaning on a tree, looking around and wondering whether everyone was looking for me or for her. The logic of the search began to make sense—it made sense that I was a part of it.

I saw Fall’s mother looking as completely remote as a stranger could look. She was elegant and small and I couldn’t imagine what was going through her mind. I saw her talking to Julius once.

It was best to look at those dark wet willows, the hats and jackets, to look around and be part of the mumbled momentum; hope to be able to hide in it; silence the part of myself that wanted to boast how I was somehow the cause of all this.

There was despair and suspense when the day came to an end. Where should we all look next? We went back to our houses and rooms.

The closet was the only place I could find any rest. I slept there after school a couple of times, even when I didn’t need to hide. I piled things on top of myself—ostensibly so I couldn’t be detected, but really because it was comforting to be part of a gathering of objects. During one spare period a Master came around to inspect the room. He opened the door of the closet and I lay perfectly still. I felt like giggling, expecting to be caught, and all the more so when I knew he hadn’t noticed a human being under all those coats and cleats.

The police had appeared a few times in school. I tried to avoid them, but we were called in once or twice in small groups and asked
when we had last seen Fall. My memory is of drifting rather than fear.

There was such a series of liminal moments in those weeks that I find it difficult to articulate the movement of my thoughts or the change to the mood of the school’s small space. I’ve said that I became aware of the transition in Julius from one who was pining to one who was afraid. I suppose I myself changed from one who was afraid to one who was pining.