Fall (7 page)

Fall coming to Brown’s says Chuck.

Yeah I say.

I’m hoping there’ll be Lisgar girls. Glebe girls. Hundreds of girls from Lisgar and Glebe says Ant.

He’s serious like he’s on the news.

I’m serious he says. Chicks from other schools.

I like this feeling from dark old wood and friends being buddies, right now, and life from all the mouths, lap yap.

I burp.

Chuck burps.

Chuck farts.

We chuckle.

Chuck’s ex-girlfriend Stephanie is plump and funny and smart. Is Stephanie going to Brown’s I say.

Why do you think I want a litre of vodka he says.

They broke up because she was fat which was mean but understandable but Chuck is plumper than she was.

He looks into his world and gets sad.

Get over it says Ant.

You have never had a girlfriend for longer than a month I say to Ant.

Chuck nods. Exactly. You’ve never had sex for longer than nine seconds he says.

I get what I need says Ant.

I’m thinking I want to be alone with Fall. Uh-huh. I want to have a quiet night alone with Fall and be calm and she’ll tell her jokes, and the look of her lips and teeth when she talks and kisses and hand on
my thigh, yep, I’ll hum sweet and quiet like that tuning fork of pretty Miss Klein’s, St. Patrick’s Elementary grade two. Bing.

I have a hard-on.

Half an hour left of lunch says Chuck. Let’s go.

Wait I say. Let me finish this dog.

Hurry up says Chuck.

It’s a sunny day says Ant.

Ant wants to work on his tan for the party.

Fuck, Chuckie, you’re all sore. All I said was get over it. I like Stephanie. You’re the one who dumped her says Ant.

What the fuck are you talking about. All I said is you wanted to get a tan.

I don’t want a tan.

I was joking.

I know.

Right.

So fuck off.

My cock is down and I stand. I want a smoke I say and I’m looking at Fall. Fingers to my lips the invisible smoke and she smiles. Shiny eyes says there’s fun up ahead, and love and hands and kisses. She leans to Sarah and I see her lips say Smoke.

Chuck chucks my shoulder. Let’s go.

We’re out in the sun.

The girls coming says Ant.

I think so I say.

Should we wait for them says Chuck.

No I say.

I ate too many dogs I say.

A hot dog is the lips and ass of a pig says Ant. That’s why Chuck loves hot dogs.

Sarah laughs and hangs her tongue from her mouth like she’s being sick and Fall giggles.

Except Julius is the one who ate too many dogs says Ant.

He’s full of lips and ass says Sarah.

I’ve never liked her.

Smoke.

I look up at the trees and the leaves are as thick as they’re ever gonna be. I’ll tell you the difference I’m saying between Vermont and this place. This time of year.

I’m thinking I don’t know.

I’m blowing smoke.

I don’t know I say.

They’re looking at me like I’m cool or stupid, who knows, but I love these leaves and I want to party at Brown’s or stay home with Fall or smoke an entire tree and rub and run and fuck. Who knows.

I like this time of year I say.

Gym: Schloop! (twelve baskets and two three-pointers)

French: I don’t care, you don’t care, he/she does not care.

I’m touching her hip in the hallway, right . . . now . . . tip, two fingers on the bone of her righ . . . left hip.

I like you I say.

Come find me after practice she says.

My fingers tap tap on her hip.

I’m sick of wearing this tie she says.

You know I’m saying. Dad’s got a picture of me when I was a baby and I’m on a little baby bike—trike—thing. And there’s a pair of legs behind me and they’re my mom’s. She’s in a pair of blue pants. That blue from those days. And it’s the same blue in that stripe.

Yeah don’t get me wrong she’s saying. I like the colour I just don’t like the tie.

I’ve always liked that blue I’m saying.

I love that blue she’s saying. I bet your mom looked good in it.

I’m thinking my mom is my secret. I try to understand her.

There’s a TREE and a SQUIRrel and a LIGHT and a ROAD and a HOUSE and a HOUSE and a DUDE and a GIRL no a GUY
and a SQUIRrel and I’m TALL and a HOUSE and he’s BALD and I’m NOT and I’m FAST no I’m STEADy keep STEADy keep STEADy it’s WARM yep it’s WARM and I’m HOT no I’m NOT I’m a DUDE and the ROAD and a HOUSE and I’ll EAT yes I’ll EAT what’s the TIME fuckin A getting FAST fuckin OUCH watch the ROAD there’s a GUY make him SMILE catch his EYE where’s his EYE lookin DOWN fuckin GRUMP fuck his WIFE don’t be MEAN.

breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe.

I’m running way too fast.

So let’s say you look at this car says William. You look at this car. Rubber on the tires is touching the road. And the rubber has treads. There’s a guy somewhere he says—maybe a girl who chews tobacco—who puts the treads on those tires, Julius. Or runs the machine that puts the treads on the tires. And there’s a machine that makes the wheels. And people who run that machine maybe a guy with no teeth and tiny fists. You follow. And what’s his name. Why’s he running that machine. He’s got sparks in front of his eyes all day. And that’s just the wheels and the tires. There’s this whole car here on the driveway. How many people with names and fingers touched the parts that make this car.

I wanna meet them I say.

Exactly, Julius. That’s the spirit.

Except I also wanna borrow it, William.

I figured as much he says. It’s not easy you know.

I know.

It’s my living.

I know.

Well, you young and wealthy fellas know nothing about a living. Let me tell you. I can guarantee you that you and I have a completely different idea of what an alarm clock is.

Maybe I say.

Maybe he says.

Maybe in a week or two I could borrow the car. Maybe.

Maybe he says. It’s not easy.

I know.

I have to lie.

I’m sorry.

What’s your girlfriend’s name again.

Fall.

Fall he says.

Fallon I say. We call her Fall.

William is thoughtful and I really want this car.

I knew a woman named Paul once he says.

I’m waiting for a story.

We’re on dad’s driveway and the sun’s on William’s watch.

I’m waiting for a story about Paul.

The other thing you probably don’t know about is mortgages he says.

Pardon I say.

Mortgages. It’s a kind of prison where you think there’s freedom in prison.

Mortgages I say. I’ve heard of them.

See when I let you take this car, I put my job at risk. And if I lose my job I’m not going to find another one that pays like this. I could start my own company, sure, but all I can make is hangovers. You come to a time in life, Julius, and you’ll know this when you come to it. You come to a time in life where all you need to think is that I’ve come to a time in life. As soon as you think I’ve come to a time in life—as soon as you’ve had that thought—it’s likely too late for anything. See.

Hmp I say.

I’ve got a lot of things coming at me he says. That’s all. Banks. Banshees. Lisette. Outside those windows there’s monsters with bills in their hands. You can’t imagine what those monsters look like because no one’s ever seen them. No one’s had a strong and big enough mind to know what those goddamn monsters look like. But if I’m behind this wheel it means I can sleep in my apartment and the monsters knock on my neighbour’s doors. I like that better.

You don’t have to loan me the car I say.

It’s true he says. It’s true. In my day everything happened in cars that’s why I love them. Maybe we can swing something when I know your dad doesn’t need me. Maybe.

Maybe I say.

I like William.

How come there’s wet on a match. When you burn it, there’s like some water next to the flame.

It’s moisture she says. There’s moisture in the stick or the wood or whatever.

I really like her lips.

You shouldn’t smoke so much she says.

I know.

I’m chuckling.

What’s funny she says.

Ant was telling us about his mom. He said she smoked exactly forty-three cigarettes every day and her lips were puckered like an anus.

Gross.

It’s funny.

Poor woman she says. There’s something kind of gross about Ant she says.

Yeah I say. He’s ok.

I guess she says.

I’m making smoke rings and I’m thinking about other people but now I’m thinking about what I’m thinking about and I forget what I was thinking about and now I’m thinking about other people. Ant, Chuck, dad, Fall, blowjobs, Fall, Fall, Fall.

Are you cold I say.

I’m hot she says. I love these nights she says. No one else around.

I love other people I’m thinking.

I like other people I say. You know. I like the idea of meeting other people I’m saying.

Girls she says.

No I say. Just people.

Me too she says. Totally. I just meant it’s nice that no one’s around right now.

No I say. I know. I was just thinking another, like, thought.

Yeah.

Maybe we’ll both have thousands of friends when we die. A friend for every mood, right. So, like, today I’m feeling thirsty, better call Bill. Right. Today I’m down because it’s, like, raining. Better call my friend in the clownsuit.

Fff she says.

We’re never alone enough I say.

Chuck’s bed is here and Ant’s bed is there and I’m wondering why I’m eighteen years old and I’m sleeping in a bunk bed.

I’m thinking I don’t always want to talk to friends and listen to problems and I have no fuckin clue what I’m gonna do next year.

You guys got lucky getting separate beds I say.

Yeah says Ant.

The further that guy is from me the better says Chuck.

What’s it like rooming with Wink says Ant.

I don’t know I’m thinking.

I don’t know I’m saying. Quiet. We haven’t talked a lot. No pyjama party yet I guess.

You say pyjomma like an American says Ant.

I am I say.

Chuck’s wearing his robe. I’m gonna wear The Animal a lot this winter.

We’re quiet and everyone’s thinking about something and I wonder if my toes will get hairy.

This summer I fucked a girl with a really smelly ass says Ant.

Christ says Chuck.

I think you’ve gotta expect that of an ass I say.

Who was it says Chuck.

I didn’t really fuck her says Ant. We made out in this nightclub in Paris. I was kissing her and fingering her and I put my finger in her ass and she, like, melted.

Why do you always give us these details says Chuck. I have so many images of you that I just don’t want.

I’m just telling you.

You had your finger in her ass in a nightclub in Paris I say. You’re full of shit.

It’s true. I couldn’t get the smell off for eight or nine days. It was like woodstain.

You’re lying.

I’m not he says.

What was her name I say.

I don’t know.

Some guys tell lies and it’s really fuckin weird.

We met in this dark nightclub he says.

What was her name I say.

I told you. I don’t know. I picked her up.

What was her hair like I say.

I don’t know. Long. Long and brown he says.

How old was she.

I don’t know.

Was she twenty. Thirty.

Something like that.

Which.

I did make out with a girl in Paris but it wasn’t this summer. It was the summer before.

You told us about her last year says Chuck.

Yeah. But I didn’t tell you what her ass smelled like.

You’re such a fuckin liar.

Why.

You looked like a twelve-year-old last summer says Chuck. That neat little hairdo you had and the moss on your lip.

So.

So what’s a grown woman in a Paris nightclub doing with a twelve-year-old’s finger in her ass says Chuck.

Melting I say.

Exactly says Ant.

You’re such a fuckin liar I say.

He is says Chuck.

I’m not says Ant. I can describe the smell for you.

You’ll just be describing your own says Chuck. Or your aunt’s.

Anyways I say.

You know who else is a liar says Chuck.

Who.

Who.

Everyone he says. Everyone’s a complete fuckin liar he says. I was reading this history of England, right. England in the early twentieth century. I read a couple of them because I am so much more intelligent and curious than Ant over there. And one of them says the collapse of the gold standard was the single most important event right. The thing that affected everything from whatever to whatever. And then this other history says the gold standard meant nothing. It was the radio and train travel. Those were the things that affected everything. And then I read more because of my gigantic mind, and I find out that the two guys who wrote these books had been married to the same woman and they fuckin hated each other. And I’m thinking this is history. These guys are trying to teach us what happened, and everything they say happened didn’t happen, or happened in a different way because these guys hate each other. They’re exaggerating and lying. Everybody lies he says.

I wasn’t lying says Ant. Her ass smelled like a dead mouse.

Fuck says Chuck.

That’s interesting Chuck I say.

I love Chuck he’s interesting.

I should think more.

Everything’s a little slower. It’s all a little slower in this little world. I’m not as old as I should be. I should know it all better. Two years in a boarding school it’s like a couple of months in the world.

This is me thinking.

Those are my shoes.

Your father doesn’t need me to drive him on Friday night like I thought says William. I can give you the car for an hour at around seven.

Fuckin A I say.

And it’s such a bad idea says William.

I’m excited.