Facing the Music And Living To Talk About It (21 page)

When I committed to making changes in my attitude, my health, my environment and my friendships, I discovered something that I’m pretty sure will happen to you too: totally unexpected good stuff begins to happen on a regular basis. And in a way it makes sense. If you binge drink, do drugs, hang with a partying crowd, and spend most of your time in bars and clubs, trouble is bound to find you. It sure found me. So, it stands to reason that if you take care of your body by not abusing drugs and alcohol, working out, hanging with positive and productive people in places like nice restaurants, health clubs, and at home, good things will find you.

I’ve been a lucky guy in many, many ways, but I’ve never had such a great run as I’ve experienced since I became more devoted to cleaning up my act. I still mess up at times. I’m not saying I’m perfect and that my life is all sunshine and roses. Still, in this next chapter, I’ll share with you some of the cool things that have come my way since I’ve worked on the new, improved, fat-free, and drug-free Nick.

I’VE BEEN
A LUCKY GUY
IN MANY, MANY WAYS…

PERSONAL NOTES

CHAPTER NINE

THE COMEBACK

I
BEGAN THIS
book by telling you how great it felt to be on stage during the Central Park concert that kicked off the Backstreet Boys 20
^th
anniversary reunion tour. We were back in more ways than most people realized.

Although BSB never broke up or shut down operations completely, we did take a two-year hiatus from 2002 to 2004. Then in 2006, Kevin Richardson decided to focus on acting and other projects. When he rejoined us in 2012, it was a legitimate comeback and reunion because all of the original members were performing together again.

IN TRUTH, I’D BEEN
THE WEAK LINK
IN THE CHAIN FOR QUITE A WHILE.

At least that’s the way most outsiders saw it. However, the members of the group actually have a little different perspective on the situation. We saw the 2012 tour as a reunion in which not one but
two
members of the original group returned. There was Kevin, and then there was me: the real me, or actually, maybe the new, grown-up me.

After Kevin left in 2006, the rest of us continued touring and recording albums. We worked constantly to keep the BSB flame stoked. But I was sucking all the oxygen from the fire with my burnout behavior. The tabloids had it right: I was the lost boy in the Backstreet Boys.

In truth, I’d been the weak link in the chain for quite a while. There is no real way to prepare for the life of a pop star I suppose, but especially when you have no tools in the toolbox for dealing with the worst temptations and excesses served up by the celebrity life.

BUT I WAS SUCKING ALL THE OXYGEN FROM THE FIRE WITH MY
BURNOUT BEHAVIOR.

Can you remember being 12 years old? Did you have your act together at that age? Was the way you saw the world then much different than the way you see it now? Imagine spending most of your teen years without any strong parental presence, and with just about anything you wanted within your reach. That life does not suck at all. I’m not saying that.

Traveling the world. Singing to thousands and thousands of people. Being part of an amazing group of talented guys. Always being treated like someone special. What an incredible, awesome life! I was blessed beyond belief, no doubt about it.

I just wish I’d handled myself better. Being the youngest in the group, I got away with a lot. The eldest, Kevin, who is nine years older than me, treated me like his wayward kid brother. All the guys were protective and patient with me. I loved performing and I worked hard alongside them during the first five years or so. Then, my joy and gratitude gave way to darker feelings.

THEN, MY JOY AND GRATITUDE GAVE WAY TO
DARKER FEELINGS.

When I look back at the hours and hours we spent in studios recording, touring around the world, and maintaining our crazy lifestyle, I really don’t know how any of us kept our heads on straight. My teen years flew by so fast. I was living the dream, no doubt about it. I was well trained as a singer, dancer and stage performer. I just wasn’t very well grounded as a person.

There aren’t many teens who have life all figured out. We all need those years to decide who we are, where we fit in, and what sort of people we want to become. The teens who are luckiest are the ones whose parents try to guide them, provide boundaries, rein them in when needed, and of course encourage and support them, too.

For all of the wonderful things that came my way, I didn’t have that sort of backup. I don’t want to rehash all the stuff I’ve told you already about my challenges with my parents. The point I want to make here is that we all make mistakes and do stupid stuff, but it is possible to turn your life around. While I’m not all the way there yet, I’m much better than I was. And I’m working on it every day.

YOU CAN RECLAIM YOUR LIFE IF YOU ARE WILLING TO
ADMIT YOUR MISTAKES.

So if there is one take-away from this chapter and this book, it is this: it’s never over. Not unless you are dead and buried. You
can
get sober. You
can
heal. You can reclaim your life if you are willing to admit your mistakes. You
can
make the necessary corrections, and repair the damage done to your relationships and your reputation.

TOUGH LOVE

My comeback wouldn’t have been possible if the other guys in Backstreet hadn’t been willing to forgive me. We all had our bad days. We all made mistakes that put strains on our relationship, but I was definitely the problem child for a long stretch. I was just off my rocker for a while.

You already know about the arrest in Tampa, the DUI in California, and my self-administered rehab in Tennessee. Those were the highlights— or the lowlights as the case may be—but there was plenty of other embarrassing crap in between. What I haven’t really described before is how my craziness affected Backstreet and my relationship with the guys. Most of it didn’t make headlines and none of it was super-terrible, just unnecessary and self-destructive.

Sometimes it was expensive, too. In January of 2004, we began recording our
Never Gone
album, the follow-up to our huge
Black and Blue
album. Actually the title
Never Gone
was inaccurate because I was
way
gone during much of the recording of it. One hint that something was missing was the fact that we cranked out the
Black and Blue
album after about three months of studio work, but it took a year to finish
Never Gone.
Even when I was there physically, I wasn’t at full strength mentally or emotionally due to all the partying, romantic ups and downs, and family issues in my life.

I was not the only one who missed studio sessions, or showed up late and in less than prime working condition, but I was definitely the worst repeat offender. I wasn’t into writing music and recording songs. I was into drinking in bars, partying, doing drugs and generally not caring about my life. This was around the time I broke up with Paris Hilton and I began my serious decline.

It wasn’t as though I thought Paris was the love of my life. As I said earlier, we had some good times, but all too often I felt like I’d been abducted by an alien life form and taken to a planet where money is no object and hard work and paying bills are somebody else’s problems.

THE CHALLENGE WAS: I DIDN’T KNOW
WHERE I BELONGED.

Did I get sucked into that life for a while? Yes, guilty as charged. But I quickly realized I didn’t belong there. The challenge was: I didn’t know where I belonged. That’s what set me off in the downward spiral where it seemed I kept piling one mistake on after another.

I was constantly in a fog. I skipped rehearsals or showed up hours after our start time. Finally, when our manager Johnny Wright couldn’t get me to straighten up any other way he cracked down: “Nick, if you don’t show up or you’re late, it’s a thousand dollar fine every time.”

My slacker response was predictable: “Whatever.”

The bad news for the other guys was that Johnny had to enforce it for everyone in the group to make it seem fair, even though I was his primary offender. This was during a time when my financial affairs were just as messed up as the rest of my life. I’d been giving money away, wasting it, making bad investments and generally not paying enough attention.

So, when we finished the album and Johnny handed out the tabs for our fines, I was not exactly prepared to write a check. The total for all of the guys in the group was $80,000. My share was $60,000!

That got my attention. Johnny, who donated the money to a charity we selected, was giving me tough love, trying to shock me out of my negligence and irresponsibility. The message came through loud and clear and stuck with me, too. When word got out around the music business, I was embarrassed.

Johnny’s attack on my wallet finally got my attention. His one thousand dollar penalties worked on several levels. Aside from the humiliation, there was the impact on my finances. Every dollar of mine that went toward the fines was another reminder of my increasing irresponsibility and self-sabotaging behavior.

Fortunately, Backstreet has been a very resilient group. We know each other so well. We are loyal to each other. There is a great deal of patience and understanding among the guys, which is a good thing for me.

They never said they wanted to kick me out of the group, though there were many times I deserved it. They just kept hoping I’d figure it out because they knew that was the only way I’d change. We’ve allowed each other room to grow over the years. We’ve seen each other through some really hard times.

TALKING IT OUT

At one point, right after my breakup with Paris, I went on a major bender. I skipped rehearsals and stayed out drinking for two consecutive days and nights. I had it in my head that I wanted to quit the group. I was over it and I told that to Johnny and his business partner Ken Crear, who later became my manager.

They came to my house to find out what was going on and I just let loose with all of my frustrations and anger. Most of it had nothing to do with the guys in the group or Johnny or Ken. I knew they were just trying to keep the fires going. It was all about my inability to control my drinking and drug use and my relationships. I felt utterly lost.

Johnny and Ken told me I could quit the group if I wanted to, but they helped me see that it was really my breakup with Paris and other personal issues that were causing my depression. They said that instead of sitting around and wallowing in my misery, I’d be better off focusing on the good things in my life, like my work with BSB. They were right, of course.

When you’re down and sinking fast, just changing your focus can make a huge difference. When bad things happen in one aspect of your life, whether it’s your relationship, or your job, or an illness, or even the loss of someone you love, the best thing to do is to find a more positive focus for at least part of your day.

Grieving a loss is important, and there is a time and a place for it. But if you feel yourself sliding into depression or despair, then you should take a break now and then. Exercising, reading an upbeat story, watching a funny movie, or having a meal or coffee with someone who makes you laugh can work wonders.

GRIEVING
A LOSS
IS IMPORTANT, AND THERE IS A TIME AND A PLACE FOR IT.

The sad times are the times to turn to your best friends and those who truly care about you. Listen to their encouraging words and suggestions. They want you to thrive and succeed. After my talk with Johnny and Ken, I realized that the best thing for me would be to get back to the studio and back on stage doing what I loved for the people who appreciated our music. I snapped out of it and I was incredibly grateful for their advice.

Now, it’s also true that depression is a serious mental health issue and you may need professional help if things get really dark for you. If focusing on positive things and being around people who care about you doesn’t lift your spirits, I encourage you to talk to someone trained to deal with depression, whether it’s a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, member of the clergy, or a counselor of some kind.

I was lucky that Johnny and Ken let me vent my feelings, and that they leveled with me. They were worried about me personally and professionally. They told me I was on the verge of destroying my friendships and my career. Basically, they conducted an intervention without having some strong-armed guys haul me off to rehab. They had a financial interest in straightening me out, sure, but I knew they cared about me too. Johnny had been with us since BSB came together in Orlando. He’d watched us grow up and he’d worked hard to keep us all on track. He’d also stepped in to manage my brother Aaron, so he knew my family’s history. I’m sure Johnny knew more about us than he wanted to in that regard.

LISTEN TO THOSE WHO CARE

Did our talk help? It did. I think just laying everything out there and expressing how you feel can help open the door to healing. When someone reaches out to you, even if they are angry with you and ready to give up on you, don’t return their anger. You may have earned it. Take the opportunity to hear them out and to let them hear you out. Try to get to the root of the problem and be aware that the problem could very well be you, not them.

That was my story. I was afraid of burning out. I’d worked as a performer from such a young age. The success we had with Backstreet was incredible, but you do get caught on a treadmill of sorts, trying to keep the success going, afraid to stop or let up. I’m not asking for sympathy or trying to convince you that my life as a pop star was difficult. The only problem with it was the person I’d become. I didn’t want to be the guy who wasted his talents and blessings, but for whatever reasons I couldn’t stop my slide into the abyss.

This sort of thing happens a lot in the music and entertainment industry. You see people who became stars at a young age get lost. Often it’s because they don’t have an anchor. They don’t have the family support, or the moral or spiritual roots to go back to whenever they need direction. Kevin Richardson and Brian Littrell are very open about how their Christian faith has kept them strong over the years. Seeing how they drew upon their beliefs to handle their own challenges made me ultimately respect and appreciate their strong spiritual backgrounds. I’ve tried to take bits and pieces of their belief systems and use them in building my own foundation.

There are several younger performers who appear to be handling success well on their own terms. I don’t know Justin Bieber, and maybe things will change for him down the road, but my impression is that he is pretty well grounded. I’m glad to see him set a good example. Taylor Swift is another young performer who seems to have it together. Now they may prove me wrong, but from what I’ve seen they are handling stardom with much more finesse than I ever did at their ages. The tabloids feed off those who don’t do so well in the celebrity environment. Too often, I see those who started young either burn out because they exhaust themselves trying to stay in the limelight or because they never felt deserving of it. Of course, those who crash and burn make the headlines while the people who adjust and keep growing or find another path generally do so quietly and with class.