Facing the Music And Living To Talk About It (17 page)

So that’s what I did. I used the past tense like it already had happened.

If you are trying to lose weight, for example, set the goal far enough in advance so that you have time to make it there. Then close your eyes and see yourself stepping on the scale and seeing the weight you want. Or visualize people complimenting you and telling you how amazed they are that you lost all that weight. Don’t be afraid to use your imagination. Remember, anything is possible if you put your mind to it and believe.

A few of the goals I wrote down as already achieved on set dates included:

    •  Losing ten pounds

    •  Writing an amazing song

    •  Stopping binge drinking

    •  No more illegal drugs

IN POPS I TRUST

The Cool Springs crowd included some people of strong faith and a little of that was rubbing off on me, I guess, because I began saying and writing things like, “I achieved all of these goals with God’s help.” Well, I didn’t use the G-word exactly, because I called my vision of God
Pops
. So I’d say that my goals were achieved “with Pop’s help.”

I call him Pops because he is my true father; my creator. And we’ve had a special relationship. Whenever I felt lost or needed help or guidance, I could count on Pops. I believe in a higher power, I just decided not to label him like everyone else. Sometimes it’s just good to have something to believe in. I’ve had many private conversations with Pops. You could almost say he’s my best therapist. Whenever I’ve asked for forgiveness, I’ve gotten it. Whenever I’ve asked for help, I’ve had my prayers answered. Now I know that life isn’t always fair and we should all be prepared, but for the time being don’t be afraid to have something to attach to.

I CALL HIM
POPS
BECAUSE HE IS MY TRUE FATHER;
MY CREATOR
.

I wrote my goals on the white board in my Cool Springs home office in October. I also put together a timeline to help me make real progress and even to achieve some of my goals by my birthday in January. One of the goals I had to accomplish by that day was losing ten pounds. As you know, I had wanted to lose about five times that much eventually, but I was working on it under the
eating an elephant one bite at a time
theory.

Complicating this process was the fact that I wasn’t able to sit tight in Cool Springs for long stretches. I had to leave my private rehab center to do concerts and promotional events in the U.S. and Europe. I returned whenever I could during breaks and holidays, grabbing a week or two here and there. It was difficult to work on goals on the road, but once I was back in my Tennessee retreat, I refocused and hit it hard.

The funny thing is that once I had my goals in my head and worked on them every spare minute, time just raced by. One day, I returned to the house after being on tour and I realized that a year had gone by since I’d put up the white board and written down my goals—and I’d accomplished every one of them!

I am now perfect and I intend to rest on my laurels the remainder of my life.
I wish!
The truth is, I still have a long way to go, but the funny thing is that doesn’t bother me, worry me, or frustrate me at all. I look forward to what lies ahead, the good and the bad. I’ve come to see challenges as opportunities to test myself and to grow. A big part of it is that once I learned how to set goals and create a plan to go after them, I never again felt lost or out of control. I know that as long as there is another day, there is another way.

I STILL
SET NEW GOALS
FOR MYSELF ON A DAILY BASIS.

I still set new goals for myself on a daily basis. I’m always reaching for new achievements. I am constantly challenging myself to be better and to expect victory rather than defeat. Overall, my goal here is to inspire you to keep reaching for greater things, knowing that you deserve the best as long as you are willing to do and be your best.

If you are having difficulty doing that in your current environment because of distractions, temptations, friends who don’t share your values, or bad relationships, I suggest that you find your own safe, quiet space to retreat to. If it can’t be a cabin in the woods or a place by the beach as we all fantasize about having, then at least find a corner of your room, attic, basement or garage that you set aside for this particular purpose. Be sure to have a goal-setting notebook and a visualization board with you. Or if you are like me and you need to compartmentalize aspects of your life, set aside boxes for each area you want to sort through and improve, just as I used each room in my house to do that. Make your space comfortable and bright. Make it your sanctuary—the haven in your world where you can get away, clear out the clutter and the negativity, set new goals, and create a plan for a better life. I know that you can do it.

PERSONAL NOTES

CHAPTER SEVEN

THE HOUSE OF CARTERS COLLAPSES

I
GREW UP
always thinking of myself as our family’s fixer. I was the eldest child and, as I discussed earlier, my parents often left me in charge of my little brother and sisters while they were working. I felt responsible for them so I became the problem solver for the younger kids, and since our mom and dad argued constantly, I tried to serve, without much success, as their mediator too.

The little kids huddled with me for comfort when our parents fought and talked about divorcing. I was always trying to patch things up, make everyone happy and restore peace. I’ve already confided that one of the motivations for my early music career was the fact that my performances brought us all together as a family. What I recognize now is that this way of thinking also perpetuated my role as the fixer. My parents and brother and sisters all came to my plays and concerts and, for a while, we felt like what I imagined a normal working class family feels like.

I craved those rare moments of bonding as I was growing up, and even as an adult I found myself trying to make peace, set my siblings straight, or do things that might bring us closer. When big earnings started to flow in from my Backstreet Boy performances, I became both fixer and financier for my family, including my parents, but I quickly saw that I was just subsidizing bad behavior and creating more conflict.

The fact is that we never were anywhere close to being a loving, close-knit family because of all the drinking and fighting and lack of nurturing in our home. Still, fixing my family, collectively and individually, has been one of my overriding missions in life. It’s become part of my nature to think about my siblings’ well-being even though I should never have had that responsibility heaped on me at such a young age in the first place.

And just because I took on the role of surrogate parent to my brother and sisters doesn’t necessarily mean they’ve always welcomed my efforts in that regard. All too often they’ve called me a control freak.

My problem was not that I wanted to be in control; I just tried to control the wrong things. It’s a mistake many people make, especially if they’ve felt for a long time that they didn’t have rein over
any
aspect of their lives. It seems like kids from broken families often grow up to be control-freak adults who feel compelled to maintain order and micro-manage every situation. I was one of those people until I learned that my efforts to direct other people’s actions and lives were misguided. I should have been working on my own actions and life choices instead.

…I JUST
TRIED TO CONTROL
THE WRONG THINGS.

Many of the things that happen to us are simply not within our control. Whether it’s a hurricane, a flu virus, or an economic recession, life throws unexpected things at us all the time. We can’t control these events, nor can we control most people around us, but we
can
control how we respond to them. The key is to govern what happens on the inside so that you can deal with what happens on the outside.

Obviously, this is not an original concept I came up with on my own. Many therapists, psychologists and spiritual leaders offer advice similar to that of an early self-help guru, Buddha, who wrote: “To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one’s family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one’s own mind. If a man can control his mind, he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.”

It’s such good advice, I wish I’d taken it earlier in life. I’m sure my brother and sisters wished that I had, too. They’ve never been very receptive to my attempts to control their behavior or to help them. My most public effort to do so was when I brought us all together to appear on
House of Carters
, a 2006 reality show that mercifully lasted for only eight episodes. It originally aired on the E! cable network and on Much Music in Canada.

I WANTED TO
RIGHT THE WRONGS,
MEND WHAT NEEDED TO BE MENDED, AND
HEAL ALL
THE WOUNDS OF OUR PASTS.

I’d seen what reality shows had done for Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, and then Ozzy Osbourne and his family. I thought this show could be a great vehicle for my brother and sisters as well. I had hoped it would give them wider exposure and help further their careers. We grew up with television as such a big part of our lives that doing a reality show seemed natural. I really didn’t anticipate that having billboards with our pictures on them all over Los Angeles would lead to such bad things, or that the attention and celebrity status might spur my brother and sisters to engage in even more self-destructive behaviors. I’d hoped that seeing themselves on television might actually make them want to change for the better.

Going into the show, the plan seemed solid—a win-win for the whole family. None of us mind being in the spotlight, so that wasn’t a problem. Aaron and I had our share of media attention already, but our sisters had often wished for their own experiences in the celebrity world. This seemed like a perfect way to make that happen for them. Also, money was an issue for the girls and the show offered them a chance to collect paychecks.

I guess I was delusional for thinking that it might be a fun and profitable way to reunite us, share the limelight and support my siblings. I was simply trying to recreate something—a loving family environment—that I now realize had never really existed for us, except during the briefest of moments in our lives. I wanted to right the wrongs, mend what needed to be mended, and heal all the wounds of our pasts.

Instead of healing old wounds and strengthening bonds, however, the
House of Carters
laid bare all of our family dysfunctions and, I’m sorry to say, only made them worse. I had my own issues at the time, which didn’t help my credibility with my brother and sisters. It was a classic case of the blind leading the blind.

What I’ve learned in more recent years is that my taking on the role of a parent is unfair to my siblings and to me. I was expected to assume more responsibility as an eight-, nine- and ten-year-old than any parent has a right to ask of a child. I was forced out of the big-brother role and into the parental role so early in life that I felt conflicted about it. I wanted to be one of the kids, not one of the parents.

IT WAS A CLASSIC CASE OF THE
BLIND LEADING THE BLIND.

When I recall my childhood, the happiest times by far were those when I felt free to just be BJ, Leslie, Aaron and Angel’s brother, playing video games with them, watching our favorite TV shows, or just goofing around outdoors in the warm Florida sun. The inner conflict I experienced over being handed responsibility for my brother and sisters when I was just a kid myself has been the source of so much of my outer conflict with them over the years.

There’s a Bible saying that totally applies to this situation: “Physician, heal thyself!” I know I should have taken that advice at the time, but I didn’t. Not entirely. To some degree, I had hoped the show would help refocus me, but
House of Carters
was really my ambitious attempt to bring the warring kids in my family together again as adults. I wanted to help them get their lives on track, even though my own was heading off the rails.

Our parents had divorced. Kevin Richardson had just left Backstreet Boys. I’d been arrested for DUI, my binge drinking and drug abuse were out of control, and I had bounced from one meaningless relationship to the next. It was as if I was a Mr. Fix-it with an empty tool belt.

My siblings and I hadn’t lived together in ten years. I was worried that we were growing farther and farther apart, and some of the younger kids seemed a little lost. Aaron, 19, and our sisters Bobbie Jean (BJ), 24, Leslie, 20, and Angel, 19, were struggling to find direction in their lives. My brother, in particular, was associating with some really negative people. We all go through the
bad friend
stage and he was definitely at that juncture in his life.

I was concerned about him because when I was around Aaron’s age, I had people who I thought were friends take advantage of me and bring out the worst in me. When you are a celebrity and you aren’t careful about who you hang with, the predators move in. They can be very cunning. One person, in particular, crossed a line. We traveled together and even lived together for a while. He knew I didn’t like to be alone so he was always available, always ready to roll, to party or to do anything I wanted to do. Then I realized that he’d stolen something of value from me. He admitted that he’d taken it; I’ll say that much for him. But even though he came clean, I couldn’t trust him anymore.

WHEN YOU ARE A
CELEBRITY
AND YOU AREN’T CAREFUL ABOUT WHO YOU HANG WITH, THE
PREDATORS
MOVE IN.

I tried to tell Aaron that there were people like that hanging around him, just looking for whatever they could get from him. Once again, though, Aaron went on the defensive and pointed out that I had big entourages comprised of all kinds of people when I was his age, too.

My efforts to help us all heal together quickly hit a wall because I wasn’t in a very good position to doctor anyone else. Time after time I’d come home and there would be strangers in the house and a party under way. When I tried to play the parent and clear everyone out, I got no respect. My family saw me as a control monger, who went out and partied but didn’t want them to do the same.

Back then, I just got angry at them for reacting that way because I genuinely thought I was being loving and nurturing. I see now that I was sabotaging my own plan because I wasn’t walking the walk. I wanted my brother and sisters’ respect, but I was demanding it, instead of earning it. I was still screwing up by not being in complete control of myself and they saw that I hadn’t taken the responsibility to lead by example.

It’s true that our parents weren’t the greatest role models when it came to personal responsibility and nurturing, but I had to get over that. I couldn’t keep blaming them. Many people grow up in dysfunctional families and broken homes but still manage to break the pattern and become good mothers and fathers and responsible people. I hadn’t yet found the key to breaking that pattern.

LOOKING IN THE MIRROR

In the AA meetings I’d been attending before I came up with the idea of the show, I’d learned to be self-aware and to think more about the consequences of my actions. Those sessions prompted me to look in a mirror and assess what I saw. Unfortunately, the image wasn’t pretty. All of the inner troubles and health problems brewing inside of me were manifesting on the outside as well. I could definitely tell I was on the wrong path.

The problem was that I really hadn’t figured out at that point how to get back on the right path. But I wanted my brother and sisters to look in the mirror too. Creating a reality show was my way of holding a mirror up to our family, and to each of them as individuals so they’d come to the same realization I’d come to—that something had to change, that we weren’t the people or the family we wanted to be.

Thanks to the success of BSB, I had the financial resources and the connections to make a reality show happen. As you know by now though, putting the show together was a lot easier than bringing my family together. My intentions were pure, but I didn’t have the credibility or the tools to accomplish what I had set out to do; my brother and sisters quickly let me know that they didn’t look up to me the way they once had.

THE FAMILY PLAN

Before the end of the first season, it was evident that my plan had backfired in a big way. So many things went wrong, it’s hard to know where to begin telling that sad story. I’ve since learned that one of the keys to healing your relationships is to focus on what you have in common and on your shared goals, rather than getting stuck on old arguments, hurts and anger. We clearly didn’t use that key. Instead, we immediately unlocked the closet where all of the bad stuff from our past was kept.

If you saw more than five minutes of
House of Carters
, first let me say, “I’m sorry.” Secondly, let me explain that screaming for my family is like casual conversation for most other families. As I’ve noted before, our childhood home was almost always in a state of chaos. Between my parents’ incessant bickering and the occasional gun firing, there was always a cacophony of noise.

Anyone tuning in to the show saw that my siblings and I picked up that same habit of yelling. We all became combative. We are all hypersensitive about being respected and listened to because we are all very insecure people. We learned to holler and scream just to be heard, just to get our parents to pay attention to us. When they told us to shut up, we accepted it because at least they were acknowledging us.

I NOW
PAUSE AND THINK
BEFORE I LASH OUT.

Yelling and screaming isn’t healthy. It isn’t enjoyable. And it isn’t very effective as a long-term communications strategy. But it was all we had and it worked better than going to our rooms and crying for hours. Thanks to my reading and my therapists, I now know much healthier, more enjoyable, and more effective ways to communicate in my relationships. I’ve also learned to recognize the triggers that set off my insecurities and anger so that I don’t go into the biological
fight or flight
response.

I now pause and think before I lash out. I take a breath, weigh my responses and choose how I will act rather than letting my emotions dictate my actions. My therapists taught me about neuron bundles in our brains called the amygdala that regulate emotions and how we respond to things that scare us or make us angry. When we feel threatened by something or someone, the amygdala acts like a smoke detector. It senses danger and sets off alarms in another part of the brain that decides how to handle the perceived threat.

Often, people who’ve been in stressful situations for long periods of time tend to develop very sensitive alarms. As a result, they are hypersensitive. They easily feel threatened or fearful and act without giving their brain time to process and assess the threat. The result is that they frequently over-react, lash out, scream and fight with those around them.