Facing the Music And Living To Talk About It (24 page)

WE NEED TO ENCOURAGE EACH OTHER,
CHEER
EACH OTHER ON, AND STEER EACH OTHER BACK ONTO THE
POSITIVE PATH.

Honestly, I’ve had more friends and strangers tell me that I look awesome or that I’m singing great in the last few months than ever in my life. The guys in the group can’t seem to stop telling me how cool it is to see me enjoying myself in the studio and on stage again. Their positive feedback makes me want to work even harder on bettering my career, my relationships and myself.

I’ve even had several people say things like, “You know, I was worried that you wouldn’t be around much longer, that you’d be dead someday, and now I’m so happy that you’ve turned your life around.” I wish they’d never had to think of me as someone who was self-defeating, but I’m very grateful to them for leveling with me, and for encouraging me.

We have to do that. We need to encourage each other, cheer each other on, and steer each other back onto the positive path. It’s easy to get caught up in your own struggles and to miss the fact that the person beside you is struggling too, maybe even more than you are. So, once you’ve managed to pull yourself up and you are feeling better, make sure to reach out to others still trying to make it.

BETTER DAYS

Now that I’m seriously working on being a better person and building a better life, my mission is to never get too comfortable. I want to keep challenging myself, especially by doing things that mentally strengthen me and expand my horizons. Acting is one of the things I want to try again.

You may recall that in my darker days I blew an opportunity to work on my chops as an actor. I landed a role as a bully in the 2004 teen horror movie
The Hollow
, but instead of spending my nights nailing my lines and preparing for each day’s shoot, I went out partying. My hung-over appearance and shaky performance may be the scariest things in that movie, which still shows up on the Syfy channel now and then.

I’ve felt badly for a long time about not giving my best effort on that set, but I’ve forgiven myself, and I am committed to reviving this dream. I’ve been interested in acting and making movies ever since I won that video camera as a kid competing on
The New Original Amateur Hour
television show in Orlando. Again, some of my best childhood memories are the home movies and skits I made with my brother and sisters. I’ve been involved in some film projects since then. For example, I directed one of my music videos and I’ve written some screenplays.

In 2012, I took my first serious step back toward acting by enrolling in a series of workshops by L.A. acting coach John Rosenfeld. John takes a very personal and therapeutic approach to the craft. He encourages his students to work on themselves as well as on their acting skills because he believes your personal growth helps you develop as an actor. He also says that the walls you run into in your acting are the same walls you run into in your personal life.

John is the perfect acting coach for me. He has helped me tear down some of those walls I’ve built around my emotions over the years. It’s been a powerful experience. One of the problems that stifled my earlier acting attempts was the notion I’ve carried around for years that I’m horrible at memorization. A bad memory is a serious handicap when you have to learn your lines for a movie or television show.

This insecurity dates back to my grade-school days. I probably freaked out on some homework assignment to memorize the Gettysburg Address or a Yeats poem. I’ve lugged that self-limiting thought around with me my whole life. Even though I have memorized hundreds of songs over the years, I was still stuck in the belief that I didn’t have a good enough memory to master my lines as an actor.

Basically, I put a label on myself identifying me as someone who didn’t have what it takes to fulfill that particular dream, and then I lived down to that low expectation by showing up on the set with a hangover. That’s messed up, right? I couldn’t even tell you why I thought my memory sucked, but I let that self-limiting thought stay in my head all this time. Why didn’t I just go with the fact that a professional casting director thought I could play the role in the movie? I didn’t give myself the same credit that the casting director did.

I OFTEN WONDER WHY WE LET THOSE
NEGATIVE THOUGHTS
HAVE SUCH AN IMPACT.

My therapist tells me that I should never allow what happened to me in the past affect my future. That’s exactly what I was doing. You might want to ask yourself if you’ve also put labels and limitations on yourself that keep you from claiming the life you want. Have you told yourself you’re not smart enough, not talented enough, or not worthy of what you want? I often wonder why we let those negative thoughts have such an impact. Why don’t we hold onto positive thoughts in the same way?

Instead of letting one minor memory failure as a kid stick with me for so long, why didn’t I go with the fact that at the age of twelve, I was already so polished as a performer that my choices were to join the cast of Disney’s
All New Mickey Mouse Club
show or the band Backstreet Boys? Why didn’t I apply some gratitude for my success as a singer and performer and use that to boost my confidence instead of feeling unworthy?

Those are questions that I’m asking myself in the acting workshop exercises I’m participating in now. Psychologically, it’s very intense. John wants us to be in touch with our emotions. In the past, I often ran from mine. Usually, I tried to drown them in alcohol or numb them with drugs. But John has made me open up old wounds and look at them to determine what caused them and how each of them impacted the way I see and respond to the world around me.

I’ve learned that you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable in order to become stronger. It’s tough. Like most people, I don’t like reliving painful events or memories. I’m much more inclined to bury them or let them remain locked away. But I’ve learned that what is easier for us isn’t necessarily what is better for us.

LETTING GO

Too often, when we’re hurt we close up to protect ourselves. We don’t express our feelings so they fester inside, causing confusion, frustration and anger. Guys are known for that, but women do it too. Another
guy thing
that I’m guilty of is holding back, which you can’t do as an actor. Most of the other participants in John’s workshop are younger than me, yet they are more experienced as actors. Many majored in theater in college. Some have already worked regularly in commercials, movies and television shows. They see me as this older, sort of uptight, pop star guy who has sold millions of albums but is somehow just raw as an actor. I feel pretty vulnerable and humble when I see how good most of the kids in my workshop are. They can cut loose and get into character much easier than I can.

John has had me working on that, to the point that it’s a little scary and shocking. After the first few days in his class I found myself crying over things I never thought I’d cry over. For instance, I was home on my computer one night and I randomly clicked on a music video by the rock group Heart with the sisters Ann and Nancy Wilson. I love Nancy’s guitar playing especially. But this time, something just came over me. I got all teary-eyed as I watched their performance and I couldn’t figure out why. A friend told me later that the song must have “hit a cord with me”—reminding me of something in my past, something that triggered a strong, long-buried emotion.

I really don’t know what memories came up with that Heart song, but I’m glad it happened. It’s good to relieve those pent-up feelings. Crying provides a huge release of stress and pressure. I used to have a hard time crying, probably because my dad was a tough guy and he saw it as a sign of weakness. When I cried as a kid, he would smack me upside the head and tell me to stop being a baby.

I ENCOURAGE YOU TO
LET THE TEARS SLIP
WHENEVER THE INSTINCT STRIKES YOU.

More recently, I’ve learned that crying is a natural response to certain deeply felt emotions. We really shouldn’t try to hold back our tears because keeping those feelings bottled up actually makes us more vulnerable. I usually feel much better after something causes me to cry, so I don’t look at it as a bad thing anymore.

You shouldn’t look at crying as a bad thing either. I encourage you to let the tears slip whenever the instinct strikes you. If it helps to open up with a friend or a therapist, then do that. John Rosenfeld’s class provided me with the support and encouragement I needed to finally break through the barriers I’d built around my feelings since childhood. I find that every time I allow myself to open up and be vulnerable, I learn something new about myself, and I feel stronger.

John wants his students to be as free as children playing in his workshops. His classes are forcing me to let go of the things that have held me back in my acting. It’s all about recapturing that childhood joy, enthusiasm and fearlessness. I’ve been able to tap into the feelings I had in the early days of BSB when we had so much fun dancing and singing onstage, and just enjoying all of the opportunities that came our way.

I want to bring that joyful attitude now into every aspect of my life.

I believe that my experience in John’s workshop will make me a better all-around person and performer. I’m more aware of my feelings, more conscious of how things affect me, more focused on the positive, and I’m feeling much more optimistic about my future.

LASTING BONDS

When you live on the edge as long as I did, you can’t possibly foresee all of the rewards that come with a healthier, saner, and more sober lifestyle. This is especially true for me in my interactions with other people. I’ve had very few
normal
relationships in my life.

You’ve already learned more about my family dysfunction than you’ve probably ever wanted to know. And my experiences with girlfriends haven’t been the most stable either. Even the relationships that didn’t make the tabloids were pretty tumultuous. Most of them didn’t last very long either.

Part of the problem was my globetrotting lifestyle, of course. Sure, it can be a glamorous and fun. We had a ball in the early years. But for every song written about the good ole wild and crazy times on the road, there is another one or two about the loneliness, monotony and disconnection that comes with constantly moving from one venue and hotel room to the next.

I’m grateful for the opportunities, of course. I wouldn’t trade my experiences for anything. There’s no other job that would have allowed a working class kid from Tampa to see so much of the world, or to make such a great living. Still, I often found myself envying people who had more balanced lives and long-term, loving and supportive relationships.

I WOULDN’T TRADE MY EXPERIENCES
FOR ANYTHING.

Girls came and went with me. I could never hold on to a relationship. I didn’t trust anybody and because I was immature and a control freak, I often saw the girls I dated as controlling. I’d break up, saying I didn’t want another person telling me what to do or putting demands on me.

When you are in a committed relationship, you are accountable to the other person. You have to consider the impact that your actions and words have on your partner. Back then I couldn’t handle being responsible and considerate of another person all the time.

I was more about drinking and partying and hanging out with my friends. I was locked into that 19-year-old-guy mindset, and most of the people I hung out with shared my views. I was surrounded by self-centered people who were all about getting drunk and stoned. It was a negative environment. We were the misery-loves-company crowd. Our relationships were built on nothing more than our shared lack of responsibility. We weren’t really friends at all. We were mostly just enablers for each other’s worst habits.

My life has changed so much for the better in that regard too. What may be the greatest reward, and the most telling sign that I am recovering from my past mistakes, is the fact that I’ve been in a healthy, loving relationship with a wonderful woman named Lauren Kitt for the past four years—the longest relationship of my life. I’m extraordinarily happy. We have been doing really well in the last few years especially, and it’s because I’m learning to be a better person and a better partner in the relationship.

I’ve come a long way in that regard. My focus has had to change. Lauren has taught me a lot. She is intelligent, a genuine and honest person, and she is my best friend. I’ve just never had anyone I could totally trust like Lauren. Having a stable relationship with her has made such a difference.

MY FOCUS HAS HAD
TO CHANGE.

We’ve both had our challenges with alcohol, drugs and weight, so we understand each other and support each other mentally and spiritually. We both want to be healthier in mind and body. Fitness is common ground for us. We motivate each other and use sports as a way to combat depression and release healthy endorphins. Lauren has been a rock for me, the person I can go to and feel normal with. We play tennis and video games and we work out together. We do weightlifting and cardio conditioning, too. We’ve even played paintball together. She once shot me point blank, which was not fun. It stung like hell and left a mark. She’s got mad skills as an athlete, that’s for sure.

Lauren is a model and professional bodybuilder who has earned her pro card with the World Bodybuilding and Fitness Federation (WBFF) in Dallas. She is athletic and super-competitive, which keeps things interesting because we push each other to be better all the time. And we’ve enjoyed motivating other people as well; we started a YouTube TV show and website together called
Kitt Fit
that focuses on the fitness portion of our lives. We really are very dedicated to showing others how to stay active and healthy. I particularly like that we have grown as people as we’ve grown together. We’ve become more than either of us ever thought we could be.

I’ve had relationships that didn’t seem to go anywhere beyond the initial physical attraction. Some of the women I’ve dated actually made me feel worse about myself. A few were just fans curious about the celebrity life or they were looking to help their careers by hanging out with me.