Exercises in Style (13 page)

Sol erat in regionem zenithi et ralor atmospheri magnissima. Senatus
populusque parisiensis sudebant. Omnibi passebant rompleti. In uno ex supradirtis
omnibibus qui S denominationem portebat. hominem quasi jungum. rum rollo multo elongato
et rum hatto by rordo plaitato rerrlato vidi. Iste junior insultauit alterum hominem qui
proximus erat: trodat, inquit, pedes meos post deliberationem animae tuae. Junr sedem
librum vidente. rururrit ad it.

Sol duas horas in roelo habebat desrended. Sanrti Lazari stationem
ferreamuiam passente by. jungum supradirtum rum altero ejusdem farinae qui arbiter
elegantiarum erat et qui
apropo uno ex buttonis rapae junioris
ronsilium donebat vidi.

ore or less

Won date bout mid Dane the plait former finesse boss, I naughtiest aitch up with a nod neck and a nodder rat—a bitterest ring a row and it. All over sodden he star tedder Cree eight bee cause us odd was trading honest toast on purpose. But then nurse eat bee came they can’t, Andy rushed often RQπ ditto band on in the ark you meant.

Too ours lay terror sore him Infanta the Cars and Ladder in gage din along conifer rents Orly bout abut on.

ACT I.
The Dandy, His Neighbour, The Conductor,
Chorus of Passengers.

1.
Opening Chorus of Passengers. “All Hail to
Phoebus,” etc.

CHORUS OF PASSENGERS:

All hail to Phoebus meridian!

Long live the S quotidian!

But see! that nullifidian

With hat of strange device!

His neck! how long and skinny!

His voice! how like a whinny!

As to a nearby Johnny

He speaks with prejudice.

2.
The Dandy. “Oh hear me,
Gods!” Recit.

DANDY:

Oh hear me, Gods! Gods, hear me! Why should he on my toes tread?

I start, I quake, I tremble; I sweat and I see red.

Ah! if to do it he continues—

But soft! he hears me!

NEIGHBOUR:

Oh say, what ails thee?

DANDY:

Sir, if thou continuest to tread on my transductor,

The Fates will surely constrain me to call, Ah! the conductor.

NEIGHBOUR:

His words deep within my heart are sculptured.

3.
The Conductor. “My friends! See, see!”

Recit. & Aria.

CONDUCTOR:

My friends! See, see! the traffic gathers all around us! How shall we
proceed? O kindly traffic stream! that increaseth and multiplieth so that total
immobility is reached and the weary passengers will thus listen to my song—to thee
I give
thanks. I start, I quake, I tremble, the sweat pours off my
brow—but I will sing it.

FEMALE PASSENGER:

Oh! I am fainting!
(faints)

CONDUCTOR:

O sweet and friendly traffic stream,

This token of my high esteem Receive!

To thee and thy continued favour

Is due this modest semi-quaver—This breve!

How sweet to me thy diesel fumes,

Thy breath the air of night perfumes And day!

For when we cannot move along

Then listen those to my heartfelt song Who pay!

PASSENGERS:

Bravo Bravo Bravo Bis Encore Bravo.

CONDUCTOR:

Thank you, my friends, thank you.
(Repeats his Aria)

PASSENGERS:

Bravo Bravo Bravo.

NEIGHBOUR
(to Dandy):

Sir—

PASSENGERS:

He has departed!

NEIGHBOUR:
Ah!

ACT II

4.
Final Chorus of Passengers. “Ah! once again we see
him.

PASSENGERS:

Ah! once again we see him

In front of Saint-Lazare,

Ah! what a great coincidence,

’Tis he! Oh how bizarre!

But see! that friend who with him talks

Of buttons, goes too far,

Too far, ah! too far,

But see! that friend who with him talks

Of buttons, goes too far,

Of buttons, of buttons,

Of buttons, goes too far.

^*
Replacing
Italianismes

or ze Frrensh

Wurn dayee abaout meeddayee Ahee got een-too a büss ouich ouoz
goeeng een ze deerekssion off ze Porte Champerret. Eet ouoz fool, nearlee. Ahee got een
all ze sahme ahnd Ahee saw a mahn een eet oo ahd a lorng neck ahnd a aht ouiz a sorrt
off playted streeng round eet. Zees mahn got ahngree ouiz a shahp oo ouoz trreeding ohn
eez toes, ahnd zen ee ouent ahnd saht daoun.

A beet lattère Ahee saw eem again een frronnt off ze gare
Saint-Lazare ouiz a dahndy oo ouoz ahdveesing eem to move eez ohverrcowat bouton a
leetle beet ayère urp.

^*
Replacing
Poor lay Zanglay

poonerisms

One May about didday, on the bear fatborm of a plus, I maw a san with a nery vong leck and whose cat was enhircled by a pliece of straited pling. Chuddenly this sap rarted a stow with a tan who was meading on his troes. Hen he thurried off to fret a geat which was see.

Two lours hater I haw gim asain in lont of the frare Gaint-Sazare, advistening to the lice of a lart asmec.

otanical

After nearly taking root under a heliotrope, I managed to graft myself
on to a vernal speedwell where hips and haws were squashed indiscriminately and where
there was an overpowering axillary scent. There I ran to earth a young blade or garden
pansy whose stalk had run to seed and whose nut, cabbage or pumpkin was surmounted by a
capsule encircled by snakeweed. This corny, creeping sucker, transpiring at the palms,
nettled a common elder who started to tread his daisies and give him the edge of his
bristly ox-tongue, so the sensitive plant stalked off and parked himself.

Two hours later, in fresh woods and pastures new,
I saw this specimen again with another willowy young parasite who was shooting a line,
recommending the sap to switch the top bulbous vegetable ivory element of his mantle
blue to a more elevated apex—as an exercise in style.

edical

After a short session of heliotherapy I was afraid I might get put in quarantine but I managed to climb without mishap into an ambulance full of stretcher cases. Amongst them I diagnosed a dyspeptic who was suffering from chronic gigantism with tracheal elongation and who was wearing a hat whose ribbon was deformed by rheumatism. This cretin suddenly worked himself up into a hysterical fit because a cacochymic was pounding his gomphous tylosis; then, having discharged his bile, he isolated himself to nurse his convulsions.

I saw him again later, he was standing outside a Lazaretto looking haggard and engaged in a consultation with a quack about a furuncle which was disfiguring his pectorals.

busive

After a stinking wait in the vile sun I finally got into a filthy bus
where a bunch of bastards were squashed together. The most bastardly of these bastards
was a pustulous creature with a ridiculously long windpipe who was sporting a grotesque
hat with a cord instead of a ribbon. This pretentious puppy started to create because an
old bastard was pounding his plates with senile fury, but he soon climbed down and made
off in the direction of an empty seat that was still damp with the sweat of the buttocks
of its previous occupant.