Ex-mas (18 page)

Lila settled into the morning, swigging coffee and enjoying herself more than she could remember in a long time. Her father made a sil y hat from al the leftover ribbons and wore it proudly. Her mother flushed with pleasure over the gifts she got, careful y saving al the wrapping paper and reading the cards out loud. But Cooper was the one having the most fun. He was like a puppy on a sugar high, with more energy than Lila could imagine ever having in her life, running around the

190

room dispensing presents like his goal was to be an honorary elf. It probably was.

Lila tore through her gifts with pleasure, losing herself in the rip of wrapping paper and the crinkle of the leftover pieces. She ooohed over the delicate gold necklace that Erik had left beneath the tree, and solemnly thanked Cooper for the ceramic elephant he'd clearly slaved over before giving it to her.

"I know you like turtles more than elephants," Cooper said, as if this had been a topic of intense debate. Lila couldn't remember ever having stated a preference for either turtles or elephants. Or real y having mentioned them, for that matter. "But I real y wanted to make an elephant, so..."

"Turtles are cool," she said, hefting the surprisingly heavy elephant into the air. Cooper watched her, like he was trying to read her mind. Lila gazed at the creature, glazed to a high shine and painted bright red and green. "But," she continued, meeting Cooper's concerned gaze, "I think a Christmas elephant is pretty awesome."

Cooper sagged in relief, and Lila bent over and gave him a noisy kiss on the cheek. As she straightened, she caught the satisfied look her parents

passed between them.

Lila glanced around the room, at the couch she'd spent so many evenings lounging and doing homework on, at the snow globes her mother col ected,

at the family Christmas cards from years past, sitting proudly on the mantel. For the first time it

191

real y hit her that she wouldn't be living with her three nutty family members after the summer. She would be one of those people she'd seen crowded

into the hal way in Erik's dorm at Stanford. She'd be sleeping in those uncomfortable dorm beds and sharing a communal shower. No more annoying

Cooper monologues about ridiculous things over the dinner table. No more of her dad singing, or her mother's high-pitched giggle that made her sound

like a little girl.

And after col ege, there would be life--or so al her teachers warned her.
Life,
which meant living somewhere glamorous, Lila hoped, and
glamorous
definitely didn't involve this house or these people. Soon enough, she would
only
see them at times like this. She had the sense that life was suddenly moving real y, real y fast. That she should stop and catch her breath before it was too late. She coughed to hide the sudden choked-up feeling in her

throat.

"I'l take the empty mugs to the kitchen," she announced, standing up. "Unless anyone wants more coffee?"

"Wait!" Cooper cried. He got up from the floor and crossed to the tree. "What about this last one?"

He pul ed a smal , oddly shaped little package from where it had been hanging from a ribbon on the tree. Lila frowned down at it when he pressed it

into her hands. It was very light, but definitely not one of the gift certificates that her parents sometimes liked to hang from the tree on Christmas morning.

192

Mystified, she ripped open the wrapping paper. And then stared at the object that spil ed into her hand.

It was a key.

More specifical y, a car key.

Lila gaped at it, her mind reeling. Could it be? Could it possibly...?

She looked up, dazed, to see her parents grinning at her.

"Why don't you take a look outside," her father suggested.

"Oh my God," Lila breathed. For a moment, she couldn't move. "Oh my
God,"
she said again, and shot to her feet. She hurled herself toward the back door, and scrambled across the patio and into the driveway...

...where what to her wondering eyes did appear, but a glossy black convertible VW Beetle with a red ribbon on the hood. It was her dream car. It was

sitting in her driveway. And she was gripping the key in her fist.

"You guys...," she whispered in disbelief. She moved closer to the car and ran her fingers along the glossy hood. It felt like satin. Satin that could take you anywhere you wanted to go. "I can't believe this!"

"We were planning to give you a car for your birthday in January," Mr. Beckwith said, standing in the driveway, a cascade of ribbons tied haphazardly al over his head. The decoration looked even sil ier out in the morning sun, but Lila didn't even think to tel him to take it off. "But we wanted to surprise you, 193

and we knew you were expecting the car on your birthday, so we decided to bring it home for Christmas instead."

"This is amazing!" Lila cried. She went and gave her dad a big hug. "Is that where you guys were? Picking up this car? I thought you were visiting Aunt Lucy in Phoenix"

"We were doing both," Mrs. Beckwith said, looking pleased. She hugged Lila tight when Lila turned to her. "I know we've been riding you pretty hard this year, but we wanted to make sure you were ready. A car is a big responsibility. And so is col ege. You have a big year ahead of you, sweetheart."

Lila felt her world shift a little bit as her parents' words sank in. Maybe the fact that they expected her to be tougher and stronger meant that she
was
tougher and stronger. It was a new, unfamiliar truth that was hard to get her head around. She felt heat at the back of her eyes, and knew she was about to cry.

"I love you guys," Lila said into her mother's neck, and then threw out her arm to include her dad, too. "Thank you so, so,
so
much!"

They al laughed when Cooper col ided with their legs, wanting in on the Beckwith group hug moment.

It was the perfect Christmas morning. It was warm and sunny, and the light bounced off of the gorgeous Beetle and made a rainbow on the driveway.

Lila careful y opened the driver's door and then eased inside, inhaling the sharp new-car scent. She waved at

194

her parents through the windshield and told herself that nothing would ever be as great as this moment.

She had everything she ever wanted.

And yet somehow, for some reason, she wasn't as happy as she thought she'd be.

195

Chapter 21

***

LOS ANGELES

DECEMBER 25

9:20 P.M.

***

their group's Christmas tradition to hang out long after everyone had put in their required family time--or, for those not celebrating Christmas, Chinese food and movie time. The Hol ander house was always the best choice, because everyone gravitated to Erik and Carly, of course, but also because Mr.

and Mrs. Hol ander believed in looking the other way, rather than having the kids go out and drink somewhere else.

"We are going to spend serious time on the Pacific Coast Highway in that baby," Carly declared, hugging Lila as they stood in the kitchen, leaning up against the center island while the usual North Val ey High shenanigans went on al around them.

196

"Yeah, we are," Lila said at once, smiling--but she didn't feel the tug of Carly's smile the way she usual y did. It was like she was distanced, somehow, from the low-key party going on al around her.

Carly's smile faded a little, and her expression turned quizzical. "Why aren't you, like, dancing with joy? Don't you think you can dance?" she asked, only half-teasing, but clearly trying to make Lila laugh with the reference to their favorite reality show.

"Sugar coma," Lila said, rubbing her bel y. It was a handy excuse for her weird mood. "I can't believe how many Christmas cookies I ate today. I seriously could not be stopped."

"Oh my God, Lila!" Yoon appeared at her elbow, Rebecca close behind her. They both looked delighted to see Lila, which made her feel...exhausted, somehow. Al her interactions with them felt so forced. Had it always taken this much effort to hang out with her friends? "We missed you on Friday! But if that cute car is your prize for bailing, I total y get it."

Lila stuck her hands in the pockets of her jeans and realized that she'd actual y forgotten al about her party. Even now, she couldn't real y understand why she'd cared so much. What was the big deal with one more party? Al of the same people were standing around in the Hol anders' kitchen right now,

and nothing amazing had happened yet. Nothing ever did. It only sounded amazing later, when they al talked about it and made sure to leave other people out.

197

Good lord, she was starting to sound like Beau. What was next? Would she grow her hair out and try to look like a shaggy dog? She shook her head,

as if to chase thoughts of Beau away, and looked up at her friends.

"I didn't bail so much as get grounded," Lila pointed out mildly. She smiled anyway. "Was it fun?"

"It rocked," Rebecca said immediately. Yoon looked pleased.

"It was fine," Carly said dismissively, twirling a strand of her blond curls around her finger. She looked away, and Lila did too, wondering what Carly saw when she looked at her house. The open-plan kitchen blending into the family room, every corner stuffed ful of Christmas paraphernalia. Red and green to the gil s, and North Val ey High's most popular kids--past and present--hanging out in little groups, laughing and talking.

"Whatever," Carly said. She turned to Lila. "Where do you think we should go on our first road trip? Mexico?"

"Ooh," Yoon said, as if she'd never in her life wanted to do anything more. Lila could actual y see Yoon switch gears. She could
hear
the calculation:
Forget about the party, Carly's all about the car.
"I want to hit Cabo. How awesome would that be?"

"I love Cabo!" Rebecca cried, performing the same social gymnastics.

198

Lila fel quiet, because Erik was coming over then. He broke away from his posse of ex-footbal friends, who were congregating together closer to the

French doors that led out to the pool, swapping tales of their col ege exploits and the exams they al claimed they'd failed from being too hungover.

Natural y, al of Lila's friends watched his approach. Carly leaned against Lila and smiled broadly at her brother. Yoon flipped her glossy hair over her shoulders and arched her back. Rebecca fluffed up her own chestnut pixie cut and then squinted her green eyes in frank, obvious appraisal. The funny

thing was, they didn't even know what had happened. Lila hadn't mentioned Erik's kissing exploits to a single soul--because how would that make her

look? The cheated-on, foolish, high school girlfriend--as big a loser as she'd been once upon a time? So her friends were seeing Erik Hol ander, God of North Val ey High, as he came over to play the perfect boyfriend.

"Hey, babe," he said casual y, his hazel eyes warm on Lila's. As if he didn't notice the way Yoon and Rebecca hung on his every syl able. But Lila knew that he did. He probably thrived on it, the way she once had. "Do you want a drink?"

Lila twirled the bottle of Corona she held in her hand and shrugged. "No," she said. "I'm good."

Erik smiled and leaned in to press a kiss to Lila's temple. She caught the envious look that Rebecca and Yoon shot between them, and farther back,

Jeannine Fargo let out a

199

jealous sigh. Every girl in the room but Carly wanted to be Lila right then.

"I'm sorry," Erik whispered, so only Lila could hear. She smiled at him again, not wanting to get into another round of excuses and explanations. Hadn't she told him it was fine? He'd met her at the door tonight, brimming with new apologies. But Lila didn't want to think about it anymore. She just wanted to move on. Start fresh. Maybe try to get to know Erik al over again--this time, with her eyes wide open.

But the more he talked about how sorry he was, the more she had to think about
why
he was sorry, which led to picturing him with that girl. And every time she looked at him, she pictured Beau punching him in the face. Erik had the now purple and blue shiner, which she'd heard him tel one of his friends was from a pickup game of touch footbal .
Right.
Just like he'd told his Stanford friends he needed a ride to L.A. because his car was in the shop.

"You guys are so cute," Rebecca said when Erik moved away, her green eyes alight like Erik Hol ander was her own personal Christmas tree. She sighed. "It just gives me hope. That you guys are stil together, I mean."

"It's better than a movie," Yoon agreed, sounding almost completely sincere this time. She held her hands over her heart, dramatical y. "The way he looks at you!"

Lila glanced from Rebecca to Yoon to Carly. Even Carly

200

was smiling at her, ready to hear Lila affirm her supposed great romance with Erik. They were al waiting for Lila to say exactly what they wanted to

hear: Yes, she was the luckiest girl in the world. Yes, they made their relationship work long-distance. Yes, dating Erik Hol ander was everything it was cracked up to be, everything she'd ever aspired to in her life. They wanted to hear her affirm that their myths of popularity were true. Lila knew in that moment that her position as coqueen of North Val ey High was solid. She knew that three days ago she would have reveled in this moment. It would have

proven that she was exactly who and what she wanted to be: Lila Beckwith, social success.

But instead of the rush of triumph she'd expected to feel, she felt hol ow inside. Instead of a big victory, she felt like she'd actual y lost something.

Maybe it was the fact that Erik wasn't the perfect boyfriend--and maybe he hadn't ever been. Or maybe it was her sneaking suspicion that she'd had

more fun singing that stupid "Roses Are Red" song with Beau than she'd had in a long time with these people.