Ex-mas (17 page)

was completely unaware of and unmoved by Beau's silent, disapproving presence behind her.

She was so focused on
not
paying attention to Beau and
not
reacting to Beau and
not
appearing to even remember that Beau

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existed that she found herself standing in the family room in front of her parents, blinking in confusion when she saw that they were standing there with...

"Erik?"

But she didn't see him standing in front of her--she saw him back at that party at Stanford, his hands al over that other girl, his mouth practical y inhaling her. Lila had no idea what he was doing in her house.

It couldn't possibly be good.

She was only dimly aware that Erik was talking to her parents. Her ears were ringing, and her heart was pounding erratical y in her chest. Her vision

dimmed. Erik had told her parents what happened, obviously. That she had been cavorting al over the West Coast in a car Beau had stolen from him--

after
assaulting
him. That she had lost Cooper for thirty hours.

How on earth would she ever explain al of that away?

Lila looked up as her mother stepped toward her, her face smooth and her eyes bright. She gave her daughter a kiss on the cheek, then smiled.

What?

"Hel o, Beau," Mrs. Beckwith said. Was that
warmth
Lila heard in her mother's voice?

"Hi, Mrs. Beckwith," Beau said at once, scrupulously polite. He nodded at Lila's father. "Sir. Merry Christmas"

"Merry Christmas!" Lila's mother said happily, while Mr.

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Beckwith only nodded in return from his spot on the couch. He stretched out his legs on the ottoman and linked his hands behind his head, giving

everyone a perfect view of his
No, I Will Not Fix Your Computer
T-shirt, which he always claimed was a big hit with his computer geek buddies at work.

He looked relaxed--not on the verge of grounding his daughter for life. Mrs. Beckwith smiled again, even wider, completely freaking Lila out. "Did you have fun at the planetarium?"

Lila's gaze shot to Erik. As if he had been waiting for her to give him some sign, he strol ed over and wrapped his arm around her shoulders like he had never cheated on her--like he expected her to snuggle up against him. He seemed so much bigger than she remembered. His arm was bulky and heavy,

and he had to angle himself down to kiss her on the cheek. Lila wanted to shake him off and wipe her cheek, but she didn't understand what was going

on. What game was Erik playing? He didn't seem to notice how stiffly she held herself--or the intense look Beau threw at him. But Lila did, and she registered every second of it.

"I told your parents that I was holding down the fort around here while you guys took the rug rats to look at some stars," Erik told her. His voice sounded too hearty. Fake. Lila stared at him. He was no longer the Erik she remembered--that glowing, gorgeous creature who effortlessly compel ed everyone in the room to adore him. Instead, al she saw was frat guy Erik, who

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wasn't as cute as he thought he was, and who had put on the freshman fifteen. Probably in beer. Or skanks.

Not to mention the shiner he was sporting on his left eye.

Erik reached over and patted Cooper on the back, like he and Cooper were such great buddies, when Lila was fairly certain Erik had never once

spoken to Cooper in the three years they'd dated. But he patted too hard, and Cooper went stumbling forward a few feet. Beau reached out and steadied

him, shooting Erik another unfriendly look.

But neither of Lila's parents seemed to notice.

They were too busy watching Erik smile at Lila. They loved him, Lila thought in dawning understanding, because he seemed so safe and dependable.

He was always wel mannered. He wasn't unpredictable or moody or artistic, like Beau.

"Did you have fun?" Erik asked, smiling wider, squeezing her slightly in warning. Her parents smiled too, waiting for Lila to talk about the fictional planetarium trip that Erik had obviously made up. To confirm that it had happened. The two boys looked at her, waiting to see what she would say. She

could feel Beau's gaze too, and she couldn't imagine what he thought of al this.

But then, suddenly, Lila got it. This was her get-out-of-jail-free card. Erik was covering for her. This was his way out of saying he wanted her back. Al she had to do was play along and she would get that car on her birthday and be free for the rest of her senior year.

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Free.
She wouldn't have to depend on anyone else to get around, to go where she wanted to go. She wouldn't have permanently lost her parents trust and respect.
Completely free at last.

"You guys caught the light show, isn't that right, babe?" Erik prodded. It was a perfect, bril iant lie. Her parents would be delighted that Lila had actual y taken Cooper on an educational trip.

"Babe?" Erik asked again.

She felt more than saw Beau stiffen at the word
babe.
She turned to him, hoping that he could read her mind the way he'd seemed to do al weekend long.
This is my chance for a car,
she thought at him, begging him to fol ow her lead.
This is freedom, right here. I just have to go along with this one
thing to get everything I want.

But she couldn't see anything in his eyes. Not the slightest glimmer of understanding or anything else. Just that slight mocking gleam. Was he daring

her? She couldn't tel .

So she did what she had to do. She turned back toward Erik and forced a smile.

"Yeah," she said. She turned the same smile on her parents. "The light show was cool. Real y fun."

She heard her parents start talking again, but this time to Cooper. Erik pul ed her closer with the arm that stil felt strange around her. And then he leaned down and kissed her.

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She had a flash of his lips on that girl in the Stanford dorm. Of his hands al over her body. She wondered--briefly and almost hysterical y--just how many girls Erik had been kissing. If they al seemed interchangeable to him, and she was just one more.

But maybe that girl had been a onetime thing. Maybe he hadn't been lying the entire time he was away at school. Maybe he real y did care for her--why

else would he go to the trouble of saving her ass like this?

She didn't know the answer to any of these questions, so she kissed him back, quickly, and then eased away.

Erik was trying to catch her gaze, but Lila looked at Beau instead.

His face was frozen, arrested. He blinked, but not before Lila saw the hurt and confusion.

And anger.

She reached out for him before she remembered herself--before she remembered that Erik stil had his beefy arm slung around her shoulders. She

dropped her hand back to her side. Beau ignored her completely.

She winced, like she could actual y hear what he was thinking. That she was exactly as superficial and vain as he'd accused her of being, and he'd

been crazy to think otherwise. That she cared more about herself--and that car--than she did about anything or anyone else, including her own brother and 184

especial y including him. That she deserved a guy like Erik. That she disgusted him, and the best thing she'd ever done in her life was leave him the

first time. She felt a sob build inside her chest, but she couldn't let it out. She swal owed it down.

"I think we'd better get going," Beau said politely. Too politely. He beckoned Tyler over and rested his hand on his brother's shoulder. Then he nodded at Lila's parents. He very careful y did not look at Lila or Erik. "Merry Christmas, everyone."

"You too," Lila's mother replied.

"E-mail me as soon as Santa comes," Cooper said to Tyler, very seriously. "We have to compare notes."

"Total y," Tyler agreed in the same tone.

And then Beau grabbed Tyler's hand, turned, and was gone.

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Chapter 20

***

LOS ANGELES

DECEMBER 25

9:15 A.M.

***

happy to pad around in her socks and Gap Body pajama bottoms, not caring how she looked. She'd spent about an hour in the shower the night before,

washing away every last remnant of the weekend. Good-bye, strange moments with Beau. Good-bye, Beau's kisses. Good-bye, California freeways and

Seattle snow and Beau's hand cupping her cheek so gently, like he was stil in love with her the way he used to be.

Good-bye.

Lila walked into the family room and managed a smile. Santa had made his appearance sometime after the Beckwiths had finished decorating their

tree the night before. Lila had sent Erik away, tel ing him she'd cal him after she'd processed his

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apologies. She knew that he found the whole Christmas Eve decoration thing bizarre anyway, since
his
mother insisted on having
their
tree up and decorated almost before the Thanksgiving dishes were cleared.

But Lila liked the Beckwith tradition. The whole family settled in on Christmas Eve and went through the boxes of ornaments together. Lila showed

everyone the Christmas card she'd been working on, and her dad sang along to Christmas carols in that funny, deep voice he used that always made Lila

and her mother giggle. Cooper worked himself into a frenzy of anticipation that was not helped by too much hot cocoa with marshmal ows, or the traditional Christmas chili that Mrs. Beckwith put on the stove.

Lila padded into the kitchen and smiled at her mother. "Merry Christmas!" her mother said.

"You too," Lila said, going over and giving her mother a kiss on the cheek. "I've been waiting al year for these cinnamon rol s, Mom."

"Me too," Mrs. Beckwith confessed, and they shared a moment of perfect, cinnamon-y communion with cream cheese frosting on top.

Lila sighed happily.

And then realized that it was way too quiet.

"Where's our little Christmas elf?" she asked, a nervous quiver in her voice.

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Had he taken off again? How long had it been since she'd seen him last night? She automatical y glanced at her watch--then remembered that she'd

taken it off last night and left it in a jumble on her bedside table. Cooper could be anywhere....

"Your father took Cooper on a walk," Mrs. Beckwith said, breaking into Lila's private freak-out session. Lila drew a deep breath. "He woke up at six and refused to go back to bed. He was bouncing off the wal s."

Lila squinted across the room, picking up the time from the clock on the stove. Nine fifteen. "I can't believe he let me sleep this long," she said after taking a huge swig of her coffee.

"Merry Christmas," her mother said again, with a meaningful look.

Lila laughed and settled into her favorite chair at the kitchen table, pul ing her feet up under her. After the weekend she'd had, she should have slept al day. But something at the edge of her mind wouldn't let her relax. She held her coffee mug between her hands and scowled into it while her mother bustled around, frying bacon in her cast iron skil et. It was the perfect complement to Christmas morning cinnamon buns, but Lila's head was stil stuck on the night before.

Al she kept asking herself--while he was tel ing her how sorry he was, but couldn't quite repress the hint of that cocky grin that had always made her melt before--was why she had

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liked him in the first place. Was it just that Erik was so different, in every possible way, from Beau? Or was Beau right about why she'd gone with Erik three years ago--because it was easier? Because Erik was a relief after stormy, intimate, troubled Beau?

And why, after he'd said al those
horrible
things to her, couldn't she stop thinking about Beau Hodges?

Lila jerked back to the present when the front door slammed, and Cooper came racing into the house at top speed and top volume.

"Here we go," Lila said to her mother as Cooper careened into the kitchen. But she was laughing.

"Lila!" he cried. His eyes were wild with excitement and he wore a red T-shirt that was just as stained as his green one had been. "Final y! Did you
see?
I stayed up al night and I stil didn't hear him, but he came! Did you look?"

Lila opened her mouth to deliver the usual put-down, but stopped herself. She looked at her tiny, enthusiastic little brother. What was wrong with being excited about things? Christmas only came once a year. And the truth was, there was something in Lila that missed believing in Christmas the way Cooper did. Maybe Christmas was the one time al year everyone got to pretend they were stil kids. The one time they got to believe that magic stil

happened. Lila let him grab her by the arm and propel her out into the family room.

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"Check it out!" Cooper cried. He flung out one of his arms, as if presenting the scene. Hol y was hung over the mantel, and the Beckwiths' newly decorated tree sat in the corner, beneath it an array of shiny wrapped gifts, sparkling with promise.

"I don't know why you're so excited," Lila teased him, even though the sight of the tree gave her a little jolt of excitement too. "I bet none of those are for you anyway."

"The global warming can't be too bad if he came anyway, can it?" Cooper asked then, in an urgent whisper, frowning up at her. His brown eyes held al the worries and concerns of an adult. "I mean, it has to be okay, right?"

Lila paused. Had she real y wanted to disabuse him of this notion only a few days ago? "He's Santa Claus, Cooper," she said gently. "He can handle anything."

"Al right," Mr. Beckwith said, walking into the room. He held the tray of cinnamon buns and bacon before him, partial y covering up his
Han Shot First
T-shirt. "Let the wild rumpus begin!"