Everything I Know About Love I Learned From Romance Novels (21 page)

Reader Sybylla agrees that recognition of past behavior and the possible need to change it can make a story extraordinary: “Something I do look for is that the hero/heroine challenges the other person in some fundamental way. It can be because he or she makes the other want to be a better person, or forces them to reevaluate their assumptions, or even just causes them to change their social behavior.

“One of the things that makes Mr. Darcy so appealing to me is his simple recognition that he had been rude, and that rudeness is not okay. To stick with Austen, I like
Persuasion
in part because both characters have to reevaluate their past behavior and question why they made the choices they did.

“In
Bet Me
, Cal challenges Min to accept herself and to see herself as desirable, while she forces him to take a closer look at how he’s always acted with women.”

Readers and authors also know that happiness doesn’t just show up any more than great sex does. Happiness takes work. As Julia London says, “There are ebbs and flows to every relationship, and the trick is to weather the storms and head for calm seas. That sounds trite, but it is so true. Every relationship has its moments. Every couple has its faults. The couple has to work really hard to reach that happily-ever-after, in real life and in books.”

Author Robyn Carr says the question of making a happily-ever-after work lies in the focus: “In a conversation with my grown son about the power of intention and a positive outlook on life, I posed the argument, ‘But bad things do happen to good people.’ And he said, ‘Bad things happen to all people, but so do good things.’ Focus becomes a compelling force in life, and in writing romances. Concentrating on the positive, on the good in life, and finding a way to get there makes for good relationships and a successful life.”

Romance reader Jess Granger says, “My first real boyfriend didn’t love me with a passion that could lead to my HEA. My second was all passion, but no substance. I knew he couldn’t be the one to stand up for me and support or protect me. I found my husband later, a perfect balance of passion, friendship, and support.

“I recognized those things in him because romances made me think about what I wanted and what I liked in a hero…I learned how I wanted to be treated. I am reaping the benefits of having an open mind, enough sexual power and agency to communicate what I want, like, and need in the bedroom, and a knowledge that every couple has dark moments, but it’s how you work through them that leads to your happy-ever-after.”

Shannon H. agrees with Jess, and says that romances have helped her figure out that, for her, relationships were preferable to hooking up because she had learned how to create a happy one: “I started reading them when I was around eleven or twelve years old (I’m nineteen now), and immediately set super high standards for myself in what I wanted in a guy. Things like Treats Me Well, Spends Time with Me, Makes Me Smile, Compromises, etc. Things that are perfectly realistic, I feel. It made me choose to not settle when I could have done so just to say that I had a boyfriend, and being in college now I think romance has made me perfectly comfortable in turning down hook-ups in favor of an actual relationship.”

Professor Sarah Frantz, romance reader and reviewer, says that romances have taught her similar lessons as Shannon has described: “Romances taught me everything I needed to know about how to communicate in a relationship and I credit them with my twenty-years-and-going-strong relationship with my partner. They taught me to make sure everyone got a say. They taught me to make sure everything was covered—everything. No hiding that one last little niggle. It all has to come out.

“They taught me how to discuss things. They taught me that the relationship, the ‘us,’ is paramount over the ‘you and me.’ They taught me to respect my partner at all times. And most of all, they taught me to appreciate my partner and to express that appreciation whenever possible. He brought me a cup of tea, whether or not I asked him for it? Thank him. And tell him I love him. It’s the little, everyday gestures that show love more than the grand gestures, and romances taught me that.”

Even classic romances such as those by Georgette Heyer can serve as a prototype for ideal behavior: a commenter at the site who goes by the name DreadPirateRachel told me, “The first romances I ever read were by Georgette Heyer. They taught me to hold out for a partner who would share my intellectual passions and respect me for the person I am. I’m glad I paid attention, because I ended up with a husband who is funny, kind, supportive, and adoring.”

We romance readers can separate ridiculous from reality, and fact from fiction. We don’t expect all men to be billionaire tycoon dukes who are also Navy SEAL spies and fluent in sixty-nine languages. Not a single one of those things guarantees happiness, or a happily-ever-after.

But because of what we’ve learned about healthy, admirable relationships, we
do
expect men to be partners in our lives, to listen, care, pay attention, and treat us as if we are valuable and special. That is what helps foster happiness. No billions, yachts, or tactical weapons experience necessary.

Reader Caroline learned that lesson from her own romancereading: “Romance novels in general taught me that it isn’t about the bling, but the substance behind the bling that makes it last. Always the heroine and hero, at some level, just want to be with one another by the end of the book. I have rarely read a book where the heroine goes, ‘Well…He’s a billionaire-playboy-oil-baron-secret-Earl-Sheik with a whole barnful of horses, six palatial mansions, and a bunch of jets; I guess I’ll be happy with him. Oh yeah, and he’s got a magic wang.’ It’s always a little deeper than that. The person usually comes to the surface. The need for the person outweighs the trappings, and there is never a second guess.

“There were a few books I read that taught me love is not easy. It takes work. Just because someone gets you all hot in the pants doesn’t mean it’s going to be a cakewalk down the aisle. You sometimes have to compromise, sometimes examine yourself first, and talk to one another, not just humpity-hump until you say the L-word and have the Twue Lurve ending. Sometimes shit gets in the way and you have to deal.”

Editor Angela James loves J. D. Robb’s In Death series because of its portrayal of the courtship of marriage: “One of the things I love about that series is the progression of the romance, from courtship to lovers to marriage, where you see the relationship grow and build. And Ms. Robb does a fantastic job of showing the give and take of marriage, and being partners and equals. I think this makes an even bigger impression on me than many romance novels because I’m at a different stage in my life. I’m not looking for love or falling in love, but I’m in love with someone I know is ‘it.’ And since maintaining the relationship in a marriage has its own unique challenges, it’s nice to see an author tackling those and not creating a world where the marriage is perfect, without flaws, and doesn’t face adversity.”

Robyn Carr says she envies her characters sometimes: “The unvarnished truth is—I often wish I was as smart as my characters. I wish that, in real life, I could delete and rewrite the things I say, adjust the things I do and make them more intelligent, control the unexpected events in my life. I think reading and writing romances is very good practice for living within relationships—it helps us separate the wheat from the chaff. We know what not to do (in each individual opinion) and we get a good view of things that might actually work. I really appreciate it when characters in trouble get help; I cheer characters who know they’re fallible and want to overcome their weaknesses or faults. My heart races with pleasure when they reach a mutual understanding that gives them a chance at happiness.

“Nothing gives me greater pleasure in my entertainment than reading about people who, with real (as opposed to contrived) problems, overcome them in a sane, healthy, and productive way that sets them up for life.”

The fantasy of seeing a painful and horrific situation resolve toward hope and happiness is another reason why romance readers are such avid and enduring fans of the genre. Each novel is a safe emotional space to examine awkward and potentially tricky emotions and see that each experience, and each character, can achieve happiness—a happiness well worth achieving.

It might seem that a mammoth serving of romance novels comes equipped with unending relationship wisdom—and it does, but not because one has read fourteen million novels. Whether one has read a handful or has a book in each hand every day of the year, the basic lessons on relationships and unending courtships are pretty simple to spot.

Whether it’s your parents, your partner, or your favorite train conductor, the people in your life won’t always be there. It’s reassuring to think so, that the people who make your life warm and whole will always be with you, but the truth is, life is far too uncertain to make that kind of guarantee—so you shouldn’t take the people in your life for granted. Ever.

You never know when a tycoon may sweep you onto his yacht, or when a last will and testament of an aunt you didn’t know you had might indicate you stand to inherit a huge palatial property in the Canary Islands—provided you marry a prince and live in that palatial property with your worst enemy and a dog named Doof. Kidnappings, ghost possessions, vampire infestations, getting fired, opening a bake shop and finding out the recipes are all witchcraft, one-night stands in bathrooms at an ex-girlfriend’s wedding…look, these things happen. Conflict happens.

Not only should you be prepared for conflict, but you should know that each day brings the chance for more of it—billionaires are not much for advanced warning when they arrive on their yachts with plans for blackmail. With the chance for changes ahoy each day, it’s important that you stop yourself every now and again from presuming that every morning will be like the one before.

Acknowledge the people you like. Merely going through the motions of your routine does nothing to communicate to others how you think of them. So thank people for being spiffy, and find ways to express that you’re glad someone is in your life, whether it’s the bus driver who always says good morning with a smile, or the person who makes the coffee every single evening and sets the timer so that when the alarm goes off, it’s ready.

Demonstrating love and affection for a significant other in a romance is part of courtship, particularly the part that might involve sex. But you most commonly see characters realizing that they’re taking someone they care about for granted in plots that involve family as part of the cast of characters—it is very easy to take your family for granted, after all—or in stories where the hero and heroine have been friends for a very, very long time, and suddenly find themselves at a point of massive change or departure—he’s leaving, she’s sick of being alone, whatever.

Being in the habit of saying “Thank you,” of making sure that people receive attention so they know you value them, of not presuming that people will always be there—this is a good habit, regardless of whether you’re in a relationship or still hoping to find a person who makes you happy in your pants and your brain.

Consider this:
The Be Polite Rule: Don’t be a douchebag
. Make sure the people who are important to you receive attention for being awesome. There’s plenty of crapful behavior on the part of random douchebags in a given day—make sure to give virtual and actual high-fives to those who rock and rock hard.