Everything I Know About Love I Learned From Romance Novels (16 page)

I don’t mean start talking dirty out of the blue and telling your man to put his Aer Lingus in your yoni while you’re having brunch with his grandparents. I mean, specifically, say what you want.

“My advice is simple: When it rains, it pours. If you’re feeling lonely and sexually frustrated, there’s a simple solution to the problem. Don’t be. Take care of it yourself, ladies. There is nothing more appealing than a woman who’s already plump with satisfaction. That’s why men approach more often when you’re happily involved in a relationship. You’re confident and satisfied and sexy. Men can
see
that. They can feel it. It’s oozing out of your pores. So make it ooze on your own. Wait…that didn’t sound right. What I mean is that you should take your sexual satisfaction into your own hands. Buy a toy. Buy several toys. More importantly, use them.

“The next time you walk into a party by yourself, you’ll look like you have a sexy secret. Best case scenario: men will be buzzing around you like bees. Worst case scenario: you’re already relaxed and happy, so who cares what the men do anyway?”

—Molly Jennings, heroine of

Victoria Dahl’s
Talk Me Down

“There’s no such thing as a slut. That term pisses me off, like it’s a fuckin’ sin to love sex if you’re a woman. How in the hell are you ever supposed to get good at something if you don’t practice it? A lot? And who made up the asinine rule that you can only be with one guy, at one time? Puh-leaze. There’s something very empowering about bending two men to your will—or bending over for them and seein’ how fast those belt buckles fly. It’s the ultimate rush being the sole focus of two mouths, two sets of hands, two cocks. Every woman should experience that a time or twenty in her life.

“But if you are a woman who insists on a one-on-one connection with your man, that doesn’t mean it’s gotta be boring, shut the lights off, missionary position, is-it-Saturday-already type of vanilla sex. Getting nekkid with him should be your priority. It’ll drive him crazy when you take the lead and fuck him stupid. But don’t expect your guy to be a mind reader. Tell him exactly what you want him to do to your body in as explicit and simple terms as possible.

“For God’s sake, don’t buy him a book on how to sexually please a woman, because what man willingly reads any kind of how-to manual? Even if there are raunchy step-by-step pictures. Be bossy. Be bold. Break out the porn and the sex toys to provide examples.

“That said, if you’re used to being in charge in your life outside the bedroom, there is power in surrendering your body and your sexual will to your lover completely. Relying on him to provide you with what you crave in bed is not about love or companionship, but gorging yourself on as many banging-the-headboard orgasms as you can take.

“Who doesn’t want a sex life that causes your secret smirk and his sexy swagger? I do. You should too. And darlin’, the only way to get that well-fucked feeling, is to make it happen.”

—Keely McKay, heroine of Lorelei

James’s Rough Riders series

Consider the ways in which romance novel characters meet, and the problems that are created:

• In a bar when the heroine’s ex-boyfriend bets that the smoothest guy he knows won’t be able to get her phone number (Jennifer Crusie,
  Bet Me)
  
• At a formal ball in front of everyone they know, with not only their mothers but their grandmothers, great aunts, and assorted siblings in attendance (any number of historical romances)
  
• In an antiques shop where he tries to offend her with an obscenely decorated timepiece, and she not only buys the watch but the figure he was after as well (Loretta Chase
  , Lord of Scoundrels)
  
• At work, sort of, where she’s the state’s attorney working on a case and he’s the police officer in charge, and they reconnect when she overhears a murder and he’s assigned to the case (Julie James,
  Something About You)
  
• At her family home when he’s sent to marry her, sight unseen, because of a contract his father made, and she’s so appalled she dresses up so she’s 200 percent more fug-ugly, just to repel him (Catherine Coulter,
  Midsummer Magic)
  
• Next to her trailer after he’s directed to protect her (Patricia Briggs,
  Moon Called)
  
• In a cold, abandoned castle where he’s been hiding, and she’s been sent to kill him (Kresley Cole,
  A Hunger Like No Other)
  
• On a highway when she’s dressed as a giant beaver (Susan Elizabeth Phillips,
  Natural Born Charmer)
  
• In a parlor when she shoots him with his own gun (Georgette Heyer,
  Devil’s Cub)
  
• Under a tree when he falls drunkenly off a high branch onto her lap (Julia Quinn,
  Brighter Than the Sun)
  
• In a side parlor at a ball after she punched out some grabby-handed bonehead (Julia Quinn,
  The Duke and I)
  
• In a mountain cabin, unnerved but trying to be brave when a man shows up like an angry bear and wants to know what she’s doing sleeping in his bed (Jill Shalvis,
  Instant Attraction)
  

Then again, the problems that romance protagonists face can be really quite cumbersome:

• He’s undead, immortal, and wants to kill her.
  
• The two of them must cohabitate or marry or both for upward of a calendar year to inherit big bucks-no whammies cashola in the amount of incredible wealth from a deceased and postmortem manipulative relative. (I have long said I want to get a law degree and specialize in
  just
  that kind of will and testament, the kind that
  force
  people to marry.)
  
• They have been betrothed to one another since birth, or since the nuchal fold test at twelve weeks gestation—and of course they hate each other.
  
• He won her in a poker game with her wastrel piece of shit father and has to marry her or she faces ruin and he faces destitution, which is almost the same thing, except not.
  
• Her ex-husband, who is completely and utterly crazy, is stalking her across the country.
  
• Two words: Serial. Killer.
  
• They are working the same legal case from opposite sides of the bench.
  
• He’s a janitor; she’s a nun.
  
• They agree to pretend to be a couple, possibly even a betrothed one, and then break off the engagement at a set time, but of course they fall for one another.
  
• He is buying her father’s company, and he’s only doing it because he hates her old man, but secretly he lusts in his pants for her.
  
• It was supposed to be a one-night stand.
  
• He’s on a brief leave from active duty service.
  
• She has PTSD.
  
• She’s a werewolf.
  
• He’s the DJ; she’s the rapper.
  
• They had a Big Misunderstanding.
  
• If they have sex, the world will be destroyed.
  
• If they don’t have sex, the world will be destroyed, but they can’t stand each other.
  

Most often, in a romance novel, the hero and heroine aren’t looking for someone when they meet each other. In fact, amazing romance is often created when the two people aren’t sure they like each other that much, but get stuck together—sometimes even literally. Perhaps you might want to pack a little super glue in that beaver suit…just a thought.