Every One Of Me (8 page)

"I lost 5 years with you, dear. I want to make up some
of that time."

 She also kept trying to trick me into leaving the house
with Charlie. Out of nowhere, the milk she had just bought the day before was
gone or she needed another block of cheese or we ran out of toilet paper and
the perfect pair for the job was Charlie and me. I found a brand new giant
package of toilet paper in the hall closet under some coats and ended her
little game by Sunday. I figured all that milk had been poured out into the
sink, but I didn't need to confirm it with her. She would never admit it.

That didn't mean she stopped trying to come up with another
trick.

My appointment Monday was no less frustrating. We talked
about triggers, stressors, and what kinds of things I could do to prevent them.
After showing me a few exercises that were similar to Dr. Deacon's, he decided
to spend the last few minutes of the session putting me under hypnosis.

I didn't remember any of it, but when I came out of it, he
seemed overly excited and confident that things would go smoothly from here on
out. Hopefully. Apparently, he had spoken with Lydia. She seemed to think this whole
thing was just spectacular. I scheduled another appointment for Thursday with
Miss Happy Pants and was on my way.

I told Mom all about the session when we went out for lunch
and what do you know? We ran into Charlie Mackenzie, of all people. Mom always
wanted to be an actress and I know why she never made it in the business. She
was awful at it. Her surprised face looked like… well, not a surprised face at
all. More like a
cat-caught-the-canary-and-pretended-to-be-surprised-that-he-did-it face. Charlie
was better at it. I just glared at the two of them and let them play out their
little skit. After taking the last bite of my sandwich, I finally looked up to
see Charlie watching me with a smug grin. When I rolled my eyes at him, he just
shrugged and tilted his head toward Mom. His way of saying
'she made me do
it'
.

I didn't see him again until Thursday morning before my
appointment. He came to pick Trevor up for training and caught me in the
kitchen in my tank and sleep shorts… oh yeah, with no bra. Now my breasts
aren't really a slave to gravity, but they still haven't really decided so I am
self conscious about them. I was in the middle of using a sharp knife to cut up
some fruit and couldn't cross my arms in front of me fast enough to block the
girls.

Actually, that's not true. I honestly just froze at the
sight of him. He looked incredible in his dark jeans and white t-shirt with his
hair all messy like he just rolled out of bed and didn't touch it. No one
should look that good in the morning. It's almost a crime. I didn't even
remember being without a bra until my eyes moved back up to his and those
greens were staring down a little too far. Before I could drop the knife and
cover myself, he had already turned away and muttered something unintelligible
about finding Trevor somewhere else. I didn't miss the pink in his cheeks as he
walked out the door and the smile that spread across my face was unexpected.

Oh, he was still so cute when he blushed.

Dr. G went over a few protocols with me for the first few
minutes of our session. He talked about safety issues and procedures that his
staff would have to abide by should anything happen that would be a risk to
myself or anyone around me. He obviously was a fan of my old chart from The
Facility. Benny always said that thing would follow me around for the rest of
my life and eventually would end up in People magazine or be published into
some kind of crazy novel for people to drool over. I had finally walked out of
the room when she asked me to promise to sign her copy before signing anyone
else's because it would be worth more that way.

God, I missed her.

"Let's begin then, shall we?"

He always spoke so formally and it made me feel like I
needed to be sarcastic, but I resisted the urge.

"Okay," I replied.

"Are you comfortable, Ms. Marshall?" he asked
smoothly.

"Yep."

"Alright, just like we did on Monday, I want you to
settle in and take 3 deep breaths when you are most comfortable."

I relaxed my muscles beginning with my toes and moving up my
body until my neck was no longer holding my head up and I sank into the plush
leather of the chair. He spoke for a few seconds, directing me into a deepened
relaxed state. The last thought I remember was how I wish I could do this to
myself at night and just block everything else out. Then I thought that might
not be a good idea since I got my best thinking done while lying in bed staring
at the ceiling. Then I thought about the things I thought about while lying in
my bed and how strange it was being back in the home I grew up in and
everything that happened as I grew up in that house…and I started to feel that
disconnection I hated.

Next thing I know, I'm opening my eyes to a couple guys
holding me down in the chair and Dr. Geoffrey inches away from sticking a
needle in my arm.

"It's me, Doctor! It's Tessa!" I said like I was
pleading for my life.

He paused and studied my eyes before nodding at the guys
still pinning me down and taking a step back. "Well, then we have a few
things we need to discuss." He handed off the syringe and ran a shaky hand
through his hair. He was always so controlled, so the slip surprised me.

I shook the surprise away and reminded myself that he was
the professional who was going to help me through this, but he was still just a
man. A human being who probably had seen a lot in his years, but who could
still be a little shaken. Disturbed. Maybe even shocked. "Hit me with it.
What happened?" I rubbed my forearms and saw the red marks from one of the
guy's fingers.
That's gonna bruise.

"I met Camryn."

My head snapped up, bruises forgotten, "And?"

"She is very… I don't know the word," he said and
rubbed the back of his neck. I hadn't ever seen him be anything but proper and
formal. He always knew how to describe everything with words I had to look up
when I got home.

"Creepy? Bitchy? Maybe even a little psychotic?" I
supplied. "Those words seem to be the ones used the most."

"I would say she was more unpredictable. She seems to
enjoy making other people squirm before she decides to lash out. She doesn't seem
to be very agreeable either. We will have to find a different way to ask her
about her needs and make her feel safe to see if we can get her to work with
us," he stated and reached into his shirt pocket, pulling out his
prescription pad. He scribbled something and tore off the small square of paper
and handed it to me.

"What's this?" I couldn't make out any of the
letters he had written down. Typical.

"I think it would be a good idea to take it easy for
the remainder of the day," he said quietly and moved behind his desk.
"I attempted to get you out of the hypnosis, but she took over
completely."

"You want me to spend the rest of the day drugged up?
Is this some kind of sedative?" My tone was angry, incredulous. When he
made eye contact with me, I immediately regretted getting so upset. He had
obviously just experienced something rare and a little frightening by the look
in his eyes.

"Ms. Marshall, we just forced a switch that the alter
had no way of controlling and she didn't like that, so she adapted. It almost
ended in someone getting hurt." His fierce look told me he was a little
more upset about what happened than he was letting on. "Since we have just
started your treatment, we don't know what will happen now. We have to
anticipate that Camryn will be… around. Especially since the look on your face
shows more stress than you need right now."

It made sense. Dr. Deacon had only pulled Camryn out on
accident and I always ended up coming to in my bed with Benny staring down at
me with awe plastered all over her face. The Facility had people constantly
watching out for us. People around that were trained to handle situations that
got out of control. Plus, they always had some kind of drug on hand that could
take down a small elephant in a heartbeat.

I was 99.9% sure that Mom had no training or drugs like that
sitting around the house.

"Okay."

"Okay?" he asked, surprised by my easy acceptance.

"Okay, I'll spend the rest of the day high as a kite if
it means no trouble for my family," I murmured.

"Well, you won't necessarily be high as a kite. In
fact, what I am prescribing will knock you out for a good amount of time. Don't
take it until you are somewhere safe where you can lie down." He smiled
and gestured toward the door. "Let's schedule a session for Monday. In
fact, I think it would be a good idea to see you every Monday and Thursday,
indefinitely."

I nodded in agreement and stood slowly. "Sounds like a
plan, Doc."

***

"What if you don't wake up?"

My mom was not on board with the medication. In fact, I had
spent the last 10 minutes trying to calm her down and stop her from marching
into the doctor's office and knocking him out. She was pretty strong these days
so I had no doubt she could get passed me if she really wanted to. Now, she had
tears in her eyes and was looking at me like I was on my death bed.

"Mom, calm down. Believe me, I've been given
medications a helluva lot stronger than this one and as you can see, I always
woke up. It's just a precaution," I explained. I had already told her all
about the session, leaving out the parts about two large men holding me down
and making sure to cover up the bruises already surfacing.  She took it pretty
well until I told her about the medication I was given.

"Fine! But I swear to God, if you don't wake up, I'll
shove every last one of these pills down that so called 'doctor's'
throat," she used her quote fingers which I found absolutely hilarious,
"and give him a taste of his own medicine. Literally!" I was shaking
with laughter and had to clamp my lips together to try to keep it inside.

"This isn't funny, Theresa!" she shouted.

"It's a little funny," I said holding up my thumb
and forefinger less than an inch apart and started shaking again, "I don't
think I've seen you use quote fingers so much in my life than I have the last
couple weeks. "

"I did not use quote fingers!" She glared at me,
but I saw the twitch at the corner of her mouth. She was fighting a smile and
it made me happy.

I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her tightly, still
laughing. "Okay, Mom."

"Wait a sec! I just got an idea." She clapped her
hands excitedly with the bottle of pills still in her hand, making them rattle.
"Ellie is coming for dinner tomorrow night. Do you think we could crush
some of these up and put them in her drink?"

"Mom!" I snatched the bottle out of her hand and
held it behind my back.

"What? You know it's a good idea," she rolled her
eyes with her hands on her hips as if she were scolding me.

It was. It was probably the best idea she had ever had, but
I didn't want her to go to jail, and I didn't know if it might actually kill
the bitch. It
was
a good idea, though.

Mom shrugged and casually stated, "We can talk about it
later."Like the decision was still on the table.

I opened the bottle, dumped out a small white pill, and
handed it back to her to lock up in the safe at the back of her closet.
"No." Then I popped the pill in my mouth and took a long drink of
water out of the glass she handed me.

"Later," she repeated with a big smile, then she
walked out of the room.

I took off the cardigan I had put on to hide the marks on my
arms. I wasn't upset or resentful about them. I would rather end up with a few
bruises than hurt someone or myself even worse. I pulled back the white
comforter on my bed and climbed in. The pharmacist said the drug would start to
work after a few minutes, so I stared up at the ceiling and waited. Charlie
kept popping into my head and pissing me off more than usual. I thought of that
morning's braless encounter and felt the embarrassment all over again.

I tried to picture Benny's face in my mind and closed my
eyes. I would miss waking up to her and seeing the silly expression on her face
before she dove into telling me what I missed. She could talk for hours if you
let her, and I usually did. She would always start by asking, "Who the
hell are you today?" She usually started every day with that question and
I didn't realize how much I looked forward to it until I moved back home.

For some reason, that question kept me grounded. Probably
because the only answer I ever remembered giving her was "Tess, who
else?"

I started to feel the heaviness take over my body and I
welcomed it for the first time in a long time. I hadn't ever
taken
a
sedative willingly until today. I usually woke up and found out that I had been
given one by way of needle. Benny occasionally had to calm me down when I woke
up. She agreed that it sucked to be knocked out, but convinced me it was
necessary sometimes. She would describe in detail everything I did just before
being sedated anytime she was there to witness it, which was often. It was hard
to believe her. I just couldn't see me doing those things or saying the things
I had apparently said.

She started keeping a calendar for me and marking my
switches on it. She said it was just for fun, but she knew how much it helped
me. She said it helped the alters, too, whenever I would switch, which had been
quite often at first. I always felt better after looking at the calendar and
seeing more boxes without marks than with marks. Sometimes I thought Benny
helped me more than any of the doctors or nurses. She accepted everything about
me and I think that's why we were allowed to be roommates for so long. She was
just her and I was just me, and it worked.