Every One Of Me (14 page)

"I- I don't know," I said quietly.

He just nodded tightly and took the last bite of his cake.
He looked around the room, obviously a little embarrassed about asking and
probably a little disappointed in my answer.

Here's the thing, though. As I thought about what it would
be like for him to be sitting in that room and seeing something like that, I
wasn't panicky about it, I guess I was just shocked that he actually was
willingly putting himself there. I wanted him to understand and learn how to
deal with me, but I couldn't ask him to do it. That was too much, too selfish.

"What about your training?"

He shrugged, "It wouldn't hurt to take a day off."

In other words, he
shouldn't
, but he wanted to come
with me more.

"Charlie."

His eyes came back to mine and his smile was tight and
forced, but his eyes… those beautiful green eyes were soft and I could see how
much he cared about me.

"I don't know what will happen. I just… I don't want
you to see something that will…" I trailed off, unable to get my thoughts
together long enough to form a coherent sentence. What if I had a freak out or
something and he got scared and took off?

His hand reached across the table and grasped mine.
"Tess, there is nothing that could happen that would scare me off."

Okay, so now he was reading my mind or I had actually spoken
my thoughts out loud.

The look on my face must have clued him into what I was
thinking because he smiled, a genuine smile this time, and it was beautiful.
His eyes brightened when he smiled like that and the green in them was so
breath taking. He wasn't forcing it, but he was letting me know that I could
trust him.

"Okay," I breathed. Might as well chase him off
now than get any deeper and end up with a shredded heart, too. "Okay, come
with me Monday."

He smiled again, kissed my hand and nodded. "Thank
you."

"Don't thank me yet," I muttered.

I decided then and there that no matter what happened, I
would hold onto the good things. I would hold on to what I felt every time he
touched me. I would never let myself forget the happy memories we had made in
the past, including the past few weeks.

I would
have
to hold onto those things, because for
me, there wouldn't be anyone else. If I lost Charlie… I lost everything.

Charlie

"You nervous?" Tess asked as we pulled into the
parking lot of Dr. Geoffrey's office.

Yes. I was nervous, but I couldn't let her see that. She was
already stressing out about it enough for the both of us. I was nervous about
seeing her become someone else in front of my eyes, but I knew it would still
be her. I was even nervous about seeing the process for it.

Hypnosis had always freaked me out. What scared me the most,
though? Seeing her suffer with it. I know how frustrated she could get and
after seeing her so upset about things she couldn't remember and blaming
herself for all the things that had happened, I didn't think I could handle
seeing her fall apart. She was barely holding on by a thread. I saw it in her
eyes and in the way she avoided getting serious about this whole situation. She
tried to find the humor in it, which I loved about her, but sometimes I think
it weighed on her more than she let on.

"No, Tess. I'm not nervous," I said and was
surprised by how steady my voice was.

"Good," she said and her voice broke on the word.
"I'm terrified."

I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and walked her into
the building. She relaxed and chuckled to herself. "I told Dr. G to make
it interesting for you. He's an odd duck so we'll see what he has in
store."

I stopped just outside the door leading to the office and
turned her shoulders to face me. Her face was strained and tired. She hadn't
gotten much sleep since I asked to join her today and I hadn't seen her since
our date.

Sarah told me she thinks she had a switch over the weekend.
She had been acting strange and stayed in her room almost the entire time. She
didn't know for sure though and Tess refused to confirm it. So far, she didn't
remember anything during a switch, I didn't think she would start to after all
these years so I know she would have realized whether it happened or not.

I felt a hefty dose of guilt about it. If I hadn't asked to
come, she wouldn't have been so stressed which was probably the trigger for
whatever happened over the weekend. I would have to keep that in mind later on.

 After I brought her home from dinner Friday night, she was
fidgety and quiet. When I walked her to the door, I thought she was going to
burst into tears, so instead of kissing her goodnight, like I had planned on
doing the whole night especially after seeing her in that dress, I pulled her
into my arms. She wrapped her arms around my waist and held on so tight, it
felt like she became a part of me right then and there.

"Remember, Tess," I said in her hair next to her
ear, "nothing will scare me off." She had pulled away to look up into
my eyes and I made sure she saw how honest I was being. "Nothing."

She just nodded and rocked to her tip toes and gave me a
peck on the cheek. I think we were both a little shocked, but she hurried
inside and shut the door before I could do anything about it. I would have to
talk to my coach about my reaction time lately. I felt like I was slipping a
little.

Now that we were actually here, at her appointment, I was
more than ready. I looked down into her chocolate, caramel eyes which were wide
and glistening. "Nothing, Tess," I reminded her.

Her lips twitched before she nodded, more to herself than to
me, then opened the office door.

Here we go.

***

Tess was right. Dr. Geoffrey was odd, but he was straight
forward. He told me to prepare myself for anything and not to interfere if he
needed to call for assistance. I looked over at Tess when he told me this and
she was staring down at her shaking hands trying not to hyperventilate.

"Calm, Theresa. We don't want to trigger anything
before we begin. Deep breaths, remember what your focus is," he said.

She immediately began to relax and looked up after a minute
and stated she was ready.

"Alright, now, I think it would be a good idea to ease
into this with Mr. Mackenzie here," he said and waited for her response.

"I agree," she whispered.

"Good." He turned his chair to face me and pulled
out a small digital recorder, setting it on the small table separating me from
Tess.

I was an observer so he had me sitting in the farthest chair
away so I would remember to keep my distance unless he gave me permission. It
was all a little intense for me, but he reminded me that since this was all
very new between him and Tess still, we had to be cautious.

"Now, Mr. Mackenzie, before I induce hypnosis, I want
you to listen to a piece of the last session. It will give you an idea of what
to expect and it will also allow me to point out the switch when it occurs so
you will understand what you will see today."

I nodded and shifted in the uncomfortable leather chair, the
creaking sound reverberated through the room. He pressed play on the recorder
and I could hear him speaking clearly through the small speaker.

Dr. G: "Theresa, are you there?"

Tess: "Yes, I'm here."

Dr. G: "How are you doing, Theresa?"

Tess: "I'm nervous. I feel disconnected."

Dr. G: "That is common. Remember when we talked
about feeling like you were having an out of body experience?"

Tess: "Yes."

Dr. G: "Good. Now, Theresa, I want you to try to
keep your mind open. You have informed me that you want to try and remember the
switch. You wanted to see if opening that up will help you remember the
switches in the past. Is that correct?"

Tess: "Yes."

She wanted to remember? This was after I told her about the
episodes I was with her that she didn't remember. I felt a surge of hope. If
she could remember… I couldn't finish that thought. What happened next made my
stomach twist.

Dr. G: "I would like to speak with Lydia.(Pause)
Lydia? Are you there?"

Tess: "What's up, Doc? You miss me?"

I felt my muscles clench. The voice was still Tess, but just
barely. It was higher, sharper.

"Meet Lydia," Dr. Geoffrey announced with a smile,
then folded his arms across his chest and continued to listen.

Dr. G: "Lydia, how have you been?"

Tess: "Oh, you know. Same as always."

Dr. G: "You haven't gotten into any trouble
lately?"

Tess: "Ha! I'm always looking for an adventure, Doc.
You know that. Ugh, is it hot in here? My neck feels so hot. I need to chop
this crap off."

Dr. G: "Oh, I don't think so. Remember what Benny
said about that. Just put it up into a pony tail, I'll tell Stacy to turn down
the heat."

There was some rustling, the sound of the door opening and
shutting and then silence. She must have moved around in her chair because the
leather groaned. Then she was humming, but she started giggling and the leather
squeaked again. There was a popping sound and then loud breathing.

"Lydia likes to mess with me a bit," Dr. G huffed
and looked over at Tess who was resting her chin in her hands. "You'll
see."

Tess: "Hey, Doc. Are you listening to this?"

She was whispering into the recorder and you could hear the
smile in her voice.

Tess: (Heavy breathing in and out) "Dr.
Geoffreeeeeyyyyy," (singing his name)

The doctor picked up the recorder and started to fast forward
with a chuckle, "I was only gone 2 minutes but she moved around the room
holding this and rambling on about why she thinks I need to go back to medical
school. Then she says she hid my pen," he gestured to the empty silver pen
stand on his desk, "still haven't found it."

Tess smiled, but didn't say anything. Then he put the
recorder back down and let it play.

Dr. G: "Okay, Lydia, I think that's enough. I'll not
wear this shirt to another of our appointments, if you promise not to cut your
hair."

Tess: "Oh, thank God! That I can do. Just please,
yellow? It looks awful on you, Doc."

Dr. G: "I'll keep that in mind. Now, we were talking
about that boy you mentioned seeing several years ago. Have you seen him again
lately?"

Tess: "No. Not in person. Tess has all the luck with
that one. I have been dreaming about him a lot lately. God, he is so handsome.
Greenest eyes you've ever seen." (Long pause and a loud sigh) "I miss
him."

Dr. G: "Have you tried to communicate with Theresa
lately? Maybe she can talk to him for you."

 Tess: "Yeah right, she isn't ready for that. I
don't blame her, but still…"

Her voice sounded sad and quiet. I looked over at Tess and
she was looking back at me intensely. My heart sped up and I wanted to reach
out to her. I knew they were talking about me and for some reason, it pleased
me that the other parts of Tess remembered me. Cared about me.

Dr. G: "Thank you for being cooperative today,
Lydia. I think we are done for now. I'll see you again soon. Would that be
alright?"

Tess: "Sure, Doc."

Dr. G: "Good." (Long pause, then a few pen
clicks) "Can I see Theresa now?" (Pause) "Theresa, are you
there?"

Tess: (Loud sob, then muffled words) "I don't think
I can do this."

Dr. G: "What happened, Theresa? What has you so
upset, today?"

Tess: "What if he can't accept it? What if I spend
the rest of my life trying to fill in bits and pieces and never really getting
there? What happens if I switch on my wedding day and I can't remember it? Or
if I have kids and… can't take care of them. What then? I can't keep doing this
knowing that I'll be hurting the people around me. That I will be hurting him
again. I can't hurt him again."

Dr. G: "That's why we are here, Theresa. To learn to
live with it. To learn the triggers and to maybe one day bring it all together
and understand how to adapt to taking care of several people at once. Or just
make it a little easier. If you can accomplish that, it won't be so hard to
help the people you love accomplish it as well."

Tess: (sniff) "I know."

He instructed her through a few more exercises with the
hypnosis before he woke her up.

Dr. G: "Let's take a break for today. Next time will
be a little more difficult. Take the weekend and just try to relax and forget
about the worries in the future. Let's focus on now. We are going to attempt to
find the root of this. If we can find a way to deal with the cause, maybe we
can find a way to deal with the effects. Each alter has different needs and
fears as you do. We need to figure those out."

Tess: "Okay."

Dr. G slowly picked up the recorder and switched it off.
Then he pressed some buttons and the red light came on indicating it was
recording.

"You ready, Theresa?"

She nodded then looked over at me, terrified and pale.

"Nothing, Tess," I reminded her.

Her face softened and she relaxed back into the chair and
focused on Dr. Geoffrey.

"Let's begin."

It didn't take long until Tess had her eyes closed and the
doctor said she was fully under. He waited a few seconds before addressing her
again. "Theresa? Are you there?"

"Yes," she said lazily. She looked so peaceful and
calm, then after a few more seconds, her eyes opened and the calm was gone.
"I'm nervous," she said.

"Don't be, my dear. We are prepared for anything
today."

She nodded and kept her gaze on him.

"Close your eyes, Theresa. I want you to think back to
the first time you felt the disconnection." His voice was smooth and firm.
He obviously knew what he was doing and it gave me a little more reassurance
that what was happening, was okay.