Every One Of Me (16 page)

"Benny is coming this weekend. I need to be here with
her."

"She can come, too. Trevor will be there. I can get you
and Benny a nice room. You both can go shopping or just do whatever together. I
think you would love it." He paused and his eyes studied mine, the green
in them turning darker. "You need some time, Tess."

I shook my head and stood quickly, "I can't decide
right now."

I walked over to the stairs and started to climb, trying to
ignore the trembling in my knees. His voice made me pause.

"I'm not giving up. You know me better than that."

Tears flooded my eyes, but I didn't turn around. I couldn't
look at him. Before he could say anything else, I hurried up the stairs and
into my bedroom, shutting the door softly and throwing myself onto my bed. I
needed to talk to Benny.

She answered on the second ring.

"What's up?"

"Benny? I need some help." I don't know why I was
so breathless, but I could hardly fill my lungs and I was feeling pretty dizzy.
Charlie was too patient, too willing to wait.

"Whoa, calm yourself. First things first. Who am I
talking to today?"

The expected question wasn't as much of a comfort as it had
been in the past. All it told me was that I hadn't been myself, and my heart
tore apart a little more. "It's Tess. God, I hope it's Tess."

"What happened?" she asked, her voice filled with
worry at my solemn words.

"I don't think I can do this, Benny. I feel like I'm
being ripped apart and God forgive me for involving my family like this. And
Charlie? He doesn't deserve this." Hot tears rolled down my cheeks and
splattered on the comforter beneath me. I strained to listen to the space
outside my door. No one had followed me up the stairs and I fought the urge to
go back down and tell Charlie everything I felt and how scared I truly was.

"Okay, T. You need to take a few deep breaths and calm
down. You sound hysterical and you are making no sense at all really. Your
family needed you back. Charlie needed you back. What is so bad that you are
regretting everything?"

"He saw me switch, Benny. With Camryn…"

Silence. Benny was never silent and the silence was almost
deafening. It felt like a swarm of bees had just taken up residence in my head
and
they
were hysterical. Not me. Are you kidding me? Theresa Marshall
didn't get hysterical. Her alters did every once in a while, but not Tess. Not
me.

"And?"

I took a moment to breathe in and out, to get myself
together enough to tell her that I was screwed in every way. "I think I
remember. I think I remember seeing him, but it was like it was through someone
else's eyes… and… and I could feel how much I trusted him and how much she
didn't… at first. Then, it was like something snapped in her. He pulled me out,
Benny." I pressed my palm to my forehead and tried to push the dizziness
away.

Now, I could feel him, remember him holding me and feel her
reassuring me. It was like she was there with me, or I was there with her.
Whatever it was, it felt like Charlie was the cause.

"So? Now what? You make him come with you again and see
what happens, go from there. Maybe he will help you gain co-consciousness, that
was your goal from the start. I know you hate to hear this, but cooperation
with the girls is key. Are you telling me that you are going to put a
restriction on the method? Avoid communication with the other parts of you just
because you can? Cause that is just stupid and you know it." She sounded
like she wanted to reach through the phone and slap me and at that point, I
wanted her to do it.

"How can I do that to him, Benny? You were with me for
months is all, but you didn't really have a choice. It worked because of that.
What if I decide to cooperate with them and he is the only way to bring it
together? I can't do that to him."

"Oh, you weird little psycho." Disappointment was
dripping from her voice. "I had a choice, T. I could have checked out at
any time. I stayed because of
you
."

And just like that, the dizziness faded, the buzzing
stopped, and my lungs opened up. "What?"

She let out an exasperated sigh, "You heard me, T. You
aren't forcing anyone to do anything. You aren't invading someone's life and
you aren't burdening them with your problems. We all love you. Sarah loves you
more than anything and would do anything for you. She's your mother for God's
sake, how can you expect her not to? I love you like a sister, but like a
sister who is the very best friend I have ever had. There is no way you could
force that on me and you know it." She paused and let me soak in her
words.

My tears stopped and warmth invaded my chest. I felt relief.

"And Charlie," she continued, "he loves you…
God, he loves you like you wouldn't believe. Like you refuse to believe. That
man… he was
made
for you. He was made for
this
, T. There is a
reason for everything and he is the only reason you actually need to let
yourself believe in."

We sat in silence again, but it was comforting for once. My
shaking hand clutched the phone against my ear and I breathed in a new kind of
air. Acceptance. I had been lying to myself all along. I didn't accept any of
this before. None of it. I only accepted the loneliness.

Benny was right. There was a reason and now that I knew it,
I could finally accept it. Everyone else already had. So, I made a goal, a
strict one. I would find a way to talk to Lydia and Camryn. They had taken care
of me all these years, not always in the best way, but still… I would have to
try to take care of them.

"You still coming?" I asked softly.

"You already know the answer to that," she
replied, just as softly.

"He asked me to go with him to his fight in New York.
Says I need a break from all this."

She laughed loudly in my ear, "Never mind, T. That man
was made for
me.
I think I might love him. He's smart."

I sighed as I felt a calmer warmth pass over me.

"Let it happen, Tess. Let him love you."

She didn't need a response. For some strange reason, she
already knew I nodded in agreement.

"So, am I invited, too?"

I laughed and fell back onto my pillow. Just like that, the
seriousness of our conversation took a turn and it was just me and Benny and no
elephant in the room. "Of course, Benny. He wants to meet you. I think he
has this idea that you will be on his side with everything and he needs all the
help he can get."

"Well, he's right. I don't know his plan yet, but I'm
on board with it. You better start getting used to it now. We all want what's
best for you, especially when you have no idea what that is," she said
with a smile in her voice. "Get all the details and tell me what to do
from there. We are going even if I have to tie you up and drag you there
myself. I got some shopping to do."

"I'll let him know." I heard footsteps on the
stairs and decided to follow Benny's advice and
let it happen.
"See
you soon?"

"Yep."

I hung up the phone and climbed off of my bed. The carpet in
my room was as plush as it was the day my mother had it put in and I flexed my
toes against the soft fibers. It was calming in a weird sort of way, feeling
something familiar that wasn't a big deal, but really was in my mind. I closed
my eyes and took a deep breath, seeing Charlie's face again as he held me close
and brought me back.
Let him love you.

I stepped to my door and turned the knob, opening it just
wide enough to peek through. Mom was standing against the wall on the other
side of the hall with her hands folded together. She looked like she was about
to approach a wild and frightened kitten and any sudden movement would scare me
off.

"It's okay, Mom," I said with a grin.

"He left. A few minutes ago," she blurted out,
"But he said to tell you that you can take your time to decide. He will
have two tickets on hold and will book the room anyway." She took a step
toward me as I swung the door open a little wider and stepped through.
"I'm about to beg you to go, Theresa, but I won't do it. He told me not to
pressure you. This is me not pressuring you."

I smiled. A genuine smile. Mom was never one to hide what
she was really thinking. Except for around Ellie. I think she was holding in a
hell of a lot of stuff for Trevor's sake and it was wearing her down. I
appreciated her non-subtlety and smiled wider, and that seemed to help her
relax. "Oh, good. You are going then. I'm sure you talked to Benny and she
is a smart girl. She wasn't told not to pressure you, so that's good."

"Mom."

"I'm sure she told you that it wouldn't hurt anything
and that it would be a good idea for you to take a break and try to forget
about everything."

"Mom."

She kept on rambling, ignoring me, "She would do that
because she thinks like me. At least, I think she does. That's why I like her.
And Charlie is going to like her, too. Especially when he sees how
loyal--"

"Mom!"

She finally looked into my eyes and let out her breath.
"Yes, dear?"

"I love you, Mom."

Her eyes glistened and I immediately felt guilty for making
her upset. Then she smiled and I realized I had actually made her really happy.
Those three words always made her happy. How could I have forgotten that?

"I love you, too. More than anything. We all do."

I almost laughed at
those
three words, 'we all do'.
She had no idea that I counted two more than she did.

She wrapped me in her arms and squeezed me tightly, pushing
away all the fear and worry and despair the way only a mother could.

As I thought about it, I realized I needed a little more
time ruminating on this whole acceptance thing. It was giving me courage and I
needed to bask in it a bit longer before I took off to another state far away
with the one man I had ever truly loved. "I'm going to wait for Benny to
come here first. She'll get here Thursday."

She pulled back and stared down at me incredulously.
"But the fight is Friday night. You have to make sure you are there well
before so Charlie can--"

"Don't worry, Mom. We'll make it. I just think I should
wait for Benny to get here first. I know you probably don't understand,
but…"

"I don't need to, dear. It's your decision, not
mine," she said quickly and waved a dismissing hand in the air. "No
worries, right?"

"Right."

This was a good decision. Benny could pep talk me into going
to New York head first and she could give me all the advice I needed about how
to talk to Charlie.

I could spend some time with Mom and talk to her about
Charlie, too. Find out what had happened in the time I was gone. Things I
hadn't asked about because I couldn't handle hearing them. Now, I could. Now, I
wanted to know. I needed to know.

I would leave Friday morning and get there in time for the
fight. I wouldn't be a distraction to Charlie. I wouldn't be a burden. Not
anymore.

When I got back, I would figure this out. Right?

I clutched tightly to that hope. Too tightly.

Charlie

"Their plane landed on time, Charlie."

Trevor's voice did nothing to reassure the worry I had been
harboring for the past 24 hours. In fact, what he told me only made me that
much more concerned. Tess and Benny were in New York, had been for a few hours,
but they hadn't contacted either one of us. I had been pacing the floor of my
suite for the last hour and a half while coach was yelling at me to snap out of
it and get ready for the fight.

When Tess had called me on Tuesday and told me she was going
to come with me, I had almost burst with happiness and relief. Then she went on
to tell me that she was going to wait for Benny to get into town and leave
Friday morning, this morning, to be here in time for the fight. She also told
me she thought it would be a good idea for me to concentrate on what I needed
to do for the fight instead of going out of my way to spend time with her.
Which is absolutely ridiculous. If anything, I was going out of my way to train
for these stupid fights. Being with her was a basic need, like food and water.
I felt like I needed every minute I could get with her to survive.

 I only felt a little better when she told me she was fine
and that she just wanted to spend some time with Sarah and Benny before
leaving.

I tried to understand. I really did, but I sucked at it and
I had been driving Trevor crazy. I talked him into letting me pick him up from
Sarah's house on Thursday so I could drive us to the airport. He protested, but
not near as much as he originally should have.

Thursday morning, he called all excited to make sure I was
still planning on it. Apparently, he had met Benny a few minutes before and was
intent on 'getting to know' her. He had already said his farewells to Ellie the
night before and he mentioned something about her acting strange and not
wanting to stay the night at his place. He had been distracted with it until
Tess showed up at the house with Benny at her side. Then, I guess he just
forgot.

When I showed up, I realized why. Benny was a looker and for
a minute there I thought he was going to change his mind and wait to fly in
with them.

When Tess introduced me to her, she shook my hand and winked
at me. Tess rolled her eyes, which then made my jeans fit uncomfortably tighter
and made me want to throw her over my shoulder and force her to come with me in
Trevor's place. Benny's response to her eye roll was, "Oh come on, T. If
you aren't going for it, why can't I?"

This was obviously her way of provoking Tess and to my
surprise and elation, it worked. Tess made a point of removing Benny from my
presence and pushing her back into the house with Trevor. I thought of the
flush her cheeks got when she turned back to me and saw the smug smile on my
face.