Envious (4 page)

“It was no trouble. I am afraid I must be on my way. It was lovely to see you again, Miss Whitenburg. And it was a pleasure meeting you, Miss Bacster,” he said as he bowed graciously.

“Please, M
ister Marwick, call me Aurora.”

CHAPTER 4

A NEW BEGINNING

I placed the book I was holding back onto the old metal shelf and picked up
The French Lieutenant’s Woman,
looking the cover over. No sooner was it in my hand than Eric called my name, breaking the silence.

“What do you want?” I demanded, so angry that I almost ripped the book. All that came from my lips was fury and bitter hate. When he said nothing, I glanced at him from the corner of my eye. His expression was so strong that I had to turn and face him to be sure of what I saw.

I was amazed. His expression was of pure shock. His mouth hung open, eyebrows down and furrowed. His eyes were wide as he stared at my face. I don’t know if he was aware of what he was doing. He was actually moving his head back and took a half step backwards, toward the doors to the stairwell. “Cassandra…?” he whispered.

“What is it?!” I spat the words at him. I didn’t want to be near him another second.

He breathed in sharply and clenched his jaw. “What’s wrong with you?”

Now he was mad?! What reason did he have to be mad?!

“Nothing’s wrong with me, okay?
I
am perfectly
fine!
To be honest, I’d like to know what’s wrong with you. What are you, following me?”

“Aurora wanted to see you. She asked me to look here. I’m not your stalker.”

“Well, you can tell Aurora to go away and leave me alone.”

“Fine then. It’s what she’s doing anyway,” he said as he stormed through the stairwell door. I followed him quickly down the steps but not out of curiosity about what he said. There hadn’t been enough time for that to sink through my rage. I wanted to yell at him, slap him, teach him not to make a joke out of me ever again.

“Eric, you can be such a jerk. You lied to me!” I yelled, my voice echoing loudly. He halted suddenly on the landing and I stopped short, almost running into him.

“Yeah, I figured it out. You never needed my help, you jerk! You and Aurora just wanted to play a freaking trick on me to hurt my feelings,” I yelled to his back. I was so mad. I had been betrayed by the two people I thought I could trust. “Well I will never forgive you for it. Never. You and Aurora tricked me into waiting outside by myself for an hour, like an idiot! Happy? Happy now?!”

He turned around to face me, the stairs making me stand at eye level with him, and I saw pity in his eyes. Real, true pity.

“Don’t look at me like that,” I said quietly as I lowered my gaze. I stepped down onto the landing beside him and turned to look out the old window that lit the narrow stairwell.

“Sandra…”

I inched closer to the window, pressing against the dark wood frame. I felt like I might cry. His body was so close to mine, as close as I’d ever hoped for and it finally came when he betrayed my trust. How could I have been so wrong about Eric?

He leaned sideways against the window trim next to me and his fingertips touched my chin, gently lifting my face to catch his gaze. His eyes always seemed so far away. I was only as tall as his shoulders. He slouched down a bit to look at me closer. I felt warmth radiating from his body and it made me hot all over. For a split second I feared that he might kiss me, but he withdrew his hand and spoke gently.

“Cassandra, we didn’t mean to trick you.” His voice was so soft and warm. “I would never trick you.”

“But, I…”

“Didn’t Aurora tell you?” I looked into his eyes, a deep, swirling blue, filled with concern. “Her uncle died.” His words struck me.
Died?
“We went to his funeral this morning. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I couldn’t meet you. I thought that Aurora told you. I’m sorry. It was wrong of me.” He stood up straight again and I felt a rush of cold wash over me.

“Her uncle died? Uncle Albert, the one who raised her?”

“Yeah. Last week. He had a second stroke and he passed away.”

Was that what she wanted to tell me? When Aurora moved to my neighborhood, her parents had just died. Her aunt and uncle took her in. I was close to both of them. Aurora and I had been best friends since we were ten. She must feel so hurt, so sad. I knew I did. Why didn’t she tell me? Force me to listen, the way she always did about everything else?
How could she not tell me?

Eric began to speak again. “She’s going to stay with her aunt for a while, to help her go through everything. I’m driving her back as soon as she’s ready.”

I walked past him, out of the library and straight toward the dorms.

What right did she have to not tell me?!
I was close to Albert Bacster too. I lived in the house next to his my entire life, and she didn’t even tell me.
That bitch! I hate her.
She did that on purpose. She didn’t want me to go to the funeral. She didn’t want me to feel closure. Was she planning on ever telling me, or did she want me to find out when we went home for winter break?
Hi, Mrs. Bacster. How’s Mr. Bacster doing? Dead you say?

I stepped into the lobby of the Residence Hall, my shoes slapping loudly on the linoleum floor. I hated Aurora so much. Before, I had only resented her. Now it was all so clear. This was true hate, burning from my heart to the tips of my fingers. She was leaving, without ever telling me what happened. She wanted to make a fool of me and she’d succeeded, that damn bitch. Whore.

I turned a sharp corner and fled into the girls’ bathroom. I was alone except for a girl showering around the corner. I shut myself into a stall and leaned my back against the door. Hot tears began to run down my cheeks. My eyes stung and tears continued to fall, streaming down my face into the corners of my mouth and down my chin. I began to sob. I couldn’t stop.

I sank down to the cold tiled floor in a heap. I couldn’t believe she would do that to me. Keep it from me. Why? What reason did she have to be so cold to me? The thoughts in my aching head began to ball together into one clear thought:
Eric was surprised.
He thought he knew Aurora, but she kept this from him. He thought I knew. He thought she had told me. But she hadn’t, and he had been made a fool of, too. I dried my face on my sleeve, standing finally, and left my stall. My reflection in the mirror was horrid. My eyes were all red and puffy. My nose was bright pink and the rest of my face was ghostly white. I hung my head as I left the bathroom and made for the stairs. I didn’t want anyone to see this face.

When I reached the door to my room, it was open a crack and I heard voices: Eric’s and Aurora’s. Eric sounded tense, like he was trying to sound soothing when he wanted to sound angry.

“Well…? Aren’t you going to answer? Aurora, you should have been the one to tell her, not me. Why? Why didn’t you tell her?”

“I couldn’t,” she said as she began to sob. Eric breathed in deeply, like he was about to dive into deep water.

“You two have been friends for so long. She deserved to know. Now the wake and the funeral are both over. You told me that she didn’t want to go. That she hated the thought of death. You made that up? Why would you lie to me like that?” Aurora’s only reply was more sobs and tears. “Grab your stuff. Come on, let’s go.”

I pushed the door open and stared at Aurora, forcing her to meet my gaze. When she did, she looked as pathetic as my reflection. I decided it was time for me to play the part of the bigger person.

“I’m sorry, Aurora. Mr. Bacster was a good man. Please tell your aunt how sorry I am that she has to go through this.”

Aurora wiped her puffy eyes and replied, “I will. Thank you, Sandy.”

1804

I walked through my garden, picking flowers for an arrangement, and Aurora rushed to step ahead of me.

“So, I heard you had a gentleman caller. Eric Marwick, was it?” Aurora was having a hard time keeping the resentment from her voice.

“Yes, it would seem he is looking for a wife. He is a fine man.”

“However, rather poor is what I had heard.”

“Then you have heard wrong. He is the only heir to his father’s and his uncle’s fortunes, as well as a great deal of land in the north.”

She pinched her lips together, calculating a response. “How fortunate for you if he chooses you to wed. Wouldn’t it be wonderful for you to have children together. May they be as handsome as their mother.”

Her carefully planned words struck me, reflecting my deepest fear, that I wasn’t pretty enough. She knew my envy of her porcelain beauty. She was perfectly white and fragile. She would often perform ladylike actions such as fainting at the slightest hint of bad news, while I always stood my ground, unshaken. She always knew how to make me feel like a man in a dress. Burly and ridiculous.

CHAPTER 5

A TIME FORGOTTEN

I nudged Eric’s arm and his head slowly lifted off the table. That was the third time I had to wake him. For the past three hours of class, Eric could not keep his eyes open.

Finally we were dismissed and everyone filed out the door. Eric and I were the last to leave. It took him a while to realize that our class had ended. I couldn’t blame him for being so tired. He had driven a total of twelve hours the day before—because of Aurora—and this was his third class today.

He and I walked slowly across the dark quad together, heading back to the dorms for the night. We hadn’t said much more than “hi” to each other since the big scene the day before. We didn’t really know what to say. He and I were both embarrassed because of Aurora. My best friend. His girlfriend. I decided someone had to break the silence.

“So, you sure missed a lot of class today.”

Eric grunted in response. He slouched as he walked and it almost made him my height. Almost. Not quite at all actually. He was so tall. I wondered precisely how tall. He had to be over six foot.

“I can give you my notes if you want. We can study together again.” Maybe he wasn’t just tired and embarrassed. His expression was also sad. One of his books slipped from his hand. It fell to the grass and I quickly picked it up for him. “You’re scaring me.” I hugged his notebook to my chest, not wanting to part with it. He looked at me like he didn’t understand.

“Why?” he asked.

Why?
He made it sound like I had asked a stupid question; if only he could see how he looked to me.

“You’re not yourself. Why are you so sad? Why are you acting like the walking dead?” Normally he had so much life and energy. I held his notebook out to him and he took it reluctantly.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.”

“I… well…” He looked around the dark campus to see if anyone was close by. No one was in listening range and so he continued, “Aurora and I had a fight on the way to her house. We’ve had fights like this before, but never…” his voice trailed off.

“Did you break up?” I was feeling too sorry for him to be excited at that thought.

“I don’t even know. She slammed the door in my face.”

“I’m sure you can work through this. You two… love each other.” My voice caught on that word.
Love.
They always said they loved each other and wanted a life together, to get married and have kids. But Aurora didn’t deserve it. I was certain now. She wasn’t worthy of him. I used to think that Aurora didn’t deserve Eric, but she had never given me a reason to believe that Eric would be better off without her. Better off alone, or with me. Anything would be better than how he looked right now.

Eric and I continued our walk in silence. We were halfway to the dorms when I spoke up, asking him a question I had been dying to ask since the memories of him began. 

“Eric, do you believe in reincarnation?”

He glanced curiously at me. “Reincarnation? Like after we die, we become a bird or something?”

“No, not like that, but when a person is born again, into another time, and maybe even looks the same.”

“I don’t really know, I guess I kinda do. I mean, my mom always says I look and act exactly like my grandpa’s cousin did. We even looked at old photos. It was kinda creepy.”

He had said it. He believed. My visions could be real memories. They had to be, they felt too real to be anything else.

1204

I walked out of my house built of stone and straw and into the pale light of early morning. There was a gray look to the sparse village. A fog. It must have rained during the night. I picked up a basket and set it on the hard packed clay beneath my feet. I bent over, careful not to step on the hem of my dress, and reached for the large pot that held chicken feed. I lifted and immediately set it back down. My brother had filled it near the brim, which I specifically told him not to do. He knows I cannot lift it when it is full. I reached my hand in, just barely fitting through the small opening, and drew out a tiny handful. This could take an eternity. I decided against that. The chickens would be dead of starvation before I pulled out enough for them.