Envious (3 page)

I was so mad I swear I could have spat venom. Spat it all over
her stuff. Her clothes covering the floor, her TV and DVD player on her dresser, her coffee maker, stereo, and CDs. That’s something I wouldn’t miss, all of her folk-rock crap. Burn it all. Damn it all. Damn her!

I caught sight of myself in the mirrored door to our closet. Cassandra. Sandra. Sandy. I looked disgusting. I always did, with dull brown hair that could never decide if it wanted to be straight or curly, just somewhere in between. Boring hazel eyes. I was too pale and my lips had practically no color to them. I looked so washed out all the time. No wonder Eric didn’t want me. Of course he was with Aurora. Damn her!
I was so angry, I wanted to break something.

“I’m pathetic!” I shouted to myself, collapsing violently onto my boring blue bed.

No. If I’m pathetic, it’s her fault. Everything wrong in my life is her fault. But I couldn’t honestly claim that she was all bad. Everything good in my life was because of her. Aurora was the person who was always on my side. She was the reason people talked to me. They may not like me much, but she likes me so I must be okay. She’s the reason I knew Eric.

Eric.

It’s pathetic how my life continually revolved around Aurora Mason. Pathetic, how I was nothing with her and nothing without her.
I have to change that. I have to find a way to get out from under her control. Now.

“Sandy, hi,” Aurora said brightly as she entered our room in a blur of pink. Light blue jeans with a pink tank top and a pink shoulder bag. She carelessly tossed her bag in the middle of the floor. I mumbled something vaguely resembling a greeting.

“I’m going upstairs in a minute,” she said. “They’re having a huge party tonight and I’m going to help John set up his DJ stuff. Want to come?”

“No.” I looked outside at the now-dark sky. How long had I been there? How long had I been sitting there wallowing in hatred? Hours? It felt like minutes.

“Okay. I’ll see ya later.”

“Bye. Have fun.” Hope you get run over by a truck.

She shut the door and I grabbed a can of chocolate cake frosting off the floor by my bed. A benefit of living away from my parents: I could eat whatever I wanted. I grabbed my spoon off the dresser and dug it in. Someone knocked at my door. Stupid friends of Aurora’s, I bet. I heaved myself off the bed and to the door. I wasn’t entirely wrong.

It was Eric. His tall, slim form seemed to take up the entire doorway.

“What do you want?” I muttered.

“
Hey
to you too,” he responded nonchalantly. “Well, I was wondering when we were going to study next. You didn’t think mythology was all I needed help in, did you?”

I crossed the room and sat down on my bed, looking out the window that separated my side of the room from Aurora’s. “I don’t know if I can. I’m really busy.”

“Come on,” he groaned, lying down on Aurora’s purple bedspread, stretching out as if he owned the place. “You’re going to have to come up with a better excuse than that.”

“And what if I don’t?” I challenged.

“Then I’m not leaving. Got any good movies?”

I shook my head, annoyed at his overconfidence.

“Why should I have to give you a reason? I offered to help you, and now I take it back. Deal with it.” I was being such a bitch. But maybe guys liked that. Besides, I knew that he was only there to fix me for Aurora. Was he really going to stay?

“Aurora worries too much,” I said.

“Yes, she does.”

He
agreed?!
I searched for something, any excuse for him to go.

“Why don’t you go to the party upstairs?” I asked.

He glanced quickly at me. “Nah, I rather prefer the awkward silence down here.”

Oh my god. He really was going to stay? My heart was speeding up way too fast, pounding hard against my ribs. I was afraid it would thump out of my chest.
Could he hear it? Could he hear my heart racing?

“Tuesday,” I blurted out.

He didn’t move, not even a twitch. “What time?”

“Noon.”

1893

I sat on a blanket in the grass and Aurora sat next to me. We were having a picnic by the lake. Rowboats drifted silently across the water. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining brightly and glittering across the surface of the water. The sky was a brilliant blue, making the day seem as though it should be wonderful—but, unfortunately, it was not, at least not for me. My lifelong friend and I had been sitting in silence for the better part of the morning. It was Aurora who spoke first.

“I suppose you heard of Mr. Kirpatrick’s proposal?”

“Yes. And, have you accepted?” I asked.

“Yes, I have. I’m sorry. I know you were hoping to receive a proposal from him.”

“You have no reason to feel remorse for me,” I said softly, hoping she could not hear the twinge of bitterness in my voice. I wished that I could at least sound happy for her.

“I know that he will provide a comfortable life for me. I am sorry Cassandra, but I do love Eric. One day, you will marry and forget about Eric Kirpatrick. I know you will.”

“I have not received a proposal yet. My family does not have much to offer.”

“
You
do, however. Please do not give up hope, not yet. There are many men in the world. I am certain that you will find one of your own.”

CHAPTER 3

HIDING IN THE BUSHES

I woke on Monday with a fresh dream in my mind. Kirpatrick? Not Jansen? That’s different.

I had come to call them memories, although I wasn’t quite sure if I believed they were true. It seemed too incredible. Nonetheless, I couldn’t get them out of my mind. They were always so vivid, and they didn’t come only when I slept. I knew that they couldn’t be real. There was no possible way, scientifically or psychologically. Reincarnation again and again? And yet, a part of me believed.

Aurora noticed I was awake. Great.

“Sandy, wanna go to breakfast with me?” she asked cheerfully. I rolled over on my stiff mattress and dragged my blue comforter over my head.

Her voice lost its enthusiasm. “Yeah, I don’t really want to go either.”

I pressed the cloth tighter to my ears.
What was she talking about?
She was upset about something and was waiting for me to prompt her, to urge her on, tell her she had my shoulder to cry on. That way, she would know I cared and that I wasn’t asleep again.
Well, she’s waiting for the wrong person.
There was no way I was going to let her cry her filthy tears and boogers on my shirt. No way.
Princess Aurora will have to find someone else.

“I guess I’ll just go then,” she said. Thank God.

After she left, I went to my Humanities Seminar, the worst form of torture ever invented, and then I went back to my cubbyhole, known as a dorm. Thank God, Aurora wasn’t there. I couldn’t stand her perfectly cheerful company; I would rather sulk alone.

Wait, that was weird. Why wasn’t she there?
She’s always here at this time.
Where is she?
I looked to our whiteboard above her desk. She hadn’t written anything new. It wasn’t like Aurora to be unpredictable. However, rather than worry about her absence, I relished in it. I didn’t see Aurora until she snuck in after midnight, while I pretended I was asleep.

The next day, Tuesday, I was yet again thankful for Aurora’s absence. I would be able to get ready for studying with Eric the right way. I’d put on my makeup and favorite outfit, tight fitting jeans and a thick red sweater, without Aurora’s watchful eyes stabbing into my back.

Three minutes before noon, I was sitting on the same bench as our last date, waiting for him. Eric. I loved spending time with him, even if it was just Aurora’s stupid scheming at work. I was sure that it was easy for her to convince Eric to spend these hours with me. Twelve o’clock exactly. Any minute now, he would come walking out from behind the Admissions building. I felt like I was the most beautiful girl. Confident, in control, sexy. At least that’s how I hoped I looked.

Eric was late, but that was normal. I was late the last time, despite the fact that I was so incredibly excited to see him.
What’s the time now?
12:07. Still reasonable. A couple of students walked by me and I realized that maybe I looked foolish sitting by myself with a stack of books, staring into space.
Maybe I should take out a book and just pretend to read. Yeah, that way I can tease Eric about being late, and I was oh, so bored. Yes.
I opened a book and continued to wait.

I revised and edited our conversations, preparing for everything so I wouldn’t seem stupid at all. I was starting to get tired of waiting for him. There’s only so many times that you can think through an opening conversation.
Eric, hi. You’re late. You’re lucky I’m so patient. If you were anyone else, I would have left by now.

It was 12:45.
I said noon, right?
That’s what we agreed. Tuesday, noon. It had to be right.
But he still hadn’t come… why? Did he forget? Did he think I was a loser? Did he think that I would never compare to Aurora? That I wasn’t as sexy and… full? I didn’t know what I had been thinking. I could never compare to Aurora. She looked like a supermodel; the perfect vision of lust, with her perfect face, just enough eyes, full lips, perfect cheek bones, a perfectly straight nose, huge chest and long legs. Her neck was long, too. I could imagine Eric never getting bored of kissing that neck. And the rest of her was just as perfect. 1:01. A full hour had passed and I was finished waiting. I was bored of this cruel joke.

On my way back to the dorms, I caught sight of a black car pulling into the campus parking lot. Eric was driving with Aurora in the passenger seat. I rounded the corner of the building to watch them pull into a parking space. Aurora looked pale and lost. Eric got out of the car as Aurora was opening her door. He came around and helped her out. She collapsed against his body, wearing a tight black dress, and he wrapped his arms around her. What was wrong with her? Why was she acting so needy?

I silently followed them from a distance as they went around the other side of a building and into the dorms building, the Residence Hall. I didn’t want to follow them in there. They would definitely go to our room, and I would never be able to spy on them in there. They’d see me and act as if everything was cool or that I was in the way.

Defeated, I sat on the steps of the Residence Hall with my books at my feet. Eric bounced swiftly down the steps and fixed the rolled up sleeves of his dress shirt. By the time I realized it was him, he was out of sight. Moments later, he came back with a bag swung over his shoulder. I glared at him. When he was almost past, and still hadn’t noticed me, I spoke up.

“Eric,” I said, with a twinge of bitterness.

“Hey, Sandra,” he said as he brushed by me.

“I waited for you.”

“What?” he asked as he stopped in the doorway, turning with a concerned yet annoyed look on his face.

“At noon. To study.” It was hard to keep the resentment out of my voice. His cruel joke had hit me hard.

“Sandy, sorry I forgot to tell you.” He was having trouble keeping the annoyance out of his voice, “but I figured you’d realize I went with Aurora.” He walked up the remaining step and into the building without even a backward glance.

I did realize he “went with Aurora.” They had made that blatantly obvious over the past year. He was the one who wanted to study. I never said it was a date, and neither did he. It was her stupid idea anyway. I didn’t understand why his being her boyfriend would suddenly make it a problem. I couldn’t stay there a minute longer. I couldn’t even hide out in my room.
I guess the library is the only place left for me.
No one ever goes in there.

1804

I lounged on a cushion in the courtyard of the mansion I called home and others, like Aurora, called small. The maid walked out to me.

“Miss, you have guests. A Mister Eric Marwick, Miss. And Miss Aurora Bacster. Shall I show them in?”

I stood in my great sunflower-colored dress and said to the servant, “Of course not. I shall greet them in the parlor.”

I walked out to the parlor and saw my dear Eric, whom I had met an evening earlier at the Governor’s ball.

“Ah, Mister Marwick, so good to see you again. And Aurora, a pleasure as always. Have the two of you met?”

Eric spoke. “Yes, rather recently.” He smiled at me and then turned his smile to Aurora. “We met just outside your door, as we were about to enter.”

“Oh, how lovely,” I replied, feeling quite the opposite. “Would you like some tea?”

“I’m afraid I have not the time. I must return to London immediately. You left this at the Governor’s mansion last night. I had hoped to return it.” He held my handkerchief out to me, a soft white cloth with an intricate border and my initials on the lower corner. “I’m afraid you must have dropped it when I asked you to dance.”

“So kind of you to bring it all the way here. I know you are a busy man, Mister Marwick,” I thanked him, blushing.