Enough Isn't Everything (Everything Trilogy) (29 page)

I sat staring at him for a few minutes. It felt like a bad idea to me. I seemed to be full of them since coming to the US. My mind wandered to the intimate times we
had shared, and the fact that we sat here trying to act like those times had never happened.

We were trying to be friends.
 
How do we forget all the crazy, sensual, insane feelings that we evoked in each other?
I had behaved shamelessly with him, completely uninhibited, when we were exploring each other and now we were this?

The memories I had of him were
 painful, because I knew that I had tasted, felt, and pleasured his body, but he had never really felt what I had felt when he did it to me. It was physical pleasure to him. Nothing in my touch had reached his heart, the way his touch had reached mine.

It
 devastated me, because I’d kind of failed him too. He had been honest with me, but I hadn’t been so honest with myself, because I fell in love with him. Worst still, I still loved him, knowing full well that it was the last thing he wanted to happen.

Alfie cleared his throat
, and I realized he was still waiting for my answer. My heart began to race.
Could I stand being near him? Would it weaken my resolve?
Sensing my conflict, he asked, “Do you want a safe word, Lily?”

I was puzzled, my brows furrowed
. “What’s that?” He gave me a sexy half smile. 

“
Your innocence is so adorable,” he said shaking his head at me. “If there is anything I do that you’re not comfortable with, you can say it, and I’ll know and promise to back off.” This sounded like a must.

“Okay, yes.” I nodded. Alfie waited, gazing at my face.

“What?” I asked, confused again.

He
giggled. “YOU pick the word, or a phrase, something we can remember.” I couldn’t think of anything at first, and then it came to me.

“Save me a space
,” I said in all seriousness.

He stifled a chuckle, his eyes
sparkling with humor. “Is that the best you can come up with?” He struggled not to laugh, then gave in, laughing loudly, throwing his head back. “Too funny.” He cackled, before rolling around on the couch holding his belly.

It was great to hear him laugh, and God, it turned me on. He looked so fucking cute. I hadn’t really heard him laugh too often, although he was funny and made me laugh.

I was
 failing to see the funny side of this though. He tried to calm down, looking at me staring back vacantly, before starting to laugh again. It was a few attempts before he got it under control.

“Say… say it again, I’ve forgotten.”
He was still chuckling intermittently, wiping a tear from his eye with the sleeve of his long sleeved t-shirt.

“Save me a space.” I half giggled, because the sound of his giggling was too infectious. “What’s so funny about that?”
He tried harder to organize himself.

“Ahem,” he said, clearing his throat. “Never heard that before…”
He giggled again into his wine, before breathing out through his nose as another wave of humor hit him. His red wine splashed out of the glass and on to his leg.

Alfie
 instantly bent double and sucked it off, making slurping sound against his leg, and it was so fucking sexy. His action turned me on, making me feel too hot, wet, and totally focused on the raw sex appeal he had. “Okay,” he said at last, “I’m sorry, but I’ve never heard that before.”

I figured maybe it was an English phrase.
“Well, it kind of means I’ll be there in a few minutes, or I’ll be with you in a minute… soon or something like that.” I began laughing too.

“Well, shit! Lily, how the hell am I supposed to know what to do with it, if you can’t even explain it?” We were both crying with laughter now.

Maybe you had to be here to see the funny side of it, but we were in hysterics. I stuck to my guns, and this was now the phrase I’d use if lines were becoming blurred between us.

The laughter had broken the ice for us anyway, and we seemed much more comfortable in each other’s company.

Alfie turned the lamp out at the back of the sofa, complaining it was reflecting off the television, blocking his visual of Ryan Reynolds. The room was really dark now, except for the glow from the screen.

I threw my leg over the arm of the chair and tried to lie down more comfortably
. It wasn’t the biggest chair, and I only managed a few minutes in that position before needing to move again.

Alfie glanced over, then patted the couch near him
. “Come here, honey. It’s more comfortable on the couch. I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to.”

I moved onto the couch and scooted up in the opposite direction from where he was sitting, tucking my legs under me.
 He chuckled lightly, then looked back at the movie. “It’s okay, Lily. Really, I won’t touch you inappropriately,” he reassured me, without taking his eyes off of the television.

I began
 to relax. I had to admit it was more comfortable. We ate popcorn, and Alfie laughed at me when my legs began running, during an action scene. I began climbing up the arm of the couch as the storyline got more exciting and hid my eyes.

At one point, I kicked out with fright
, and he caught my bare leg, settling it over his knee. His arm rested on it in a casual way. I left it there because he didn’t stroke it or anything, and I didn’t want to make a big deal of moving it.

The movie ended and I realised how much I’d slouched into the
 couch. It was too comfortable. Alfie turned to face me. “Are you staying for the other one?”

I was so glad when he asked me this and wasn’t making any assumptions about me being there with him. I didn’t know whether I should though.

“What time is it?” I said, stretching. I noticed Alfie’s eyes fall to my midriff, and realised my blouse had ridden up, so I quickly pulled it back into place.

Alfie sprung up.
 “Just going to get some nibbles, I’ll be right back, it’s only just before nine,” he said. “Can you stay?” I was unsure as to whether I should, and when I hesitated he added, “Please? I hate watching movies alone. I can’t share the good parts if no one is here.” I could relate to that, so I agreed to stay.

The second
 movie had a darker, scarier plot to it. I wasn’t that keen on some of it and hid my face in my hands. I buried my head in the back of the couch at one point. Alfie laughed softly at my reactions.

“Come here, let me hold you, it’ll help you relax.”
 
Really?
 I shook my head. “Why did we bother with the safe word if you’re not going to need it?” He smirked.

I breathed out slowly and moved nervously beside him, my knees tucked up near his leg, and his arm enveloped me, his hand rested on my belly.

I felt tense and bit my thumb nail, and he shrugged himself down a bit to make himself more comfortable. He paid no attention to me, until he took my thumb out of my mouth and laced his fingers with me to stop me from biting it.

After a few minutes, I’d convinced myself
 that this was as innocent as with Will, and I kind of melded into his side. I was aware of his breathing and heartbeat, both were steady. He was right, it was comforting.

I woke up with Alfie stroking my hair.
 The television shone a blank blue screen indicating that the movie had ended. I began to move away, and Alfie held me at his side with his strong arm running the length of me. “Shush, it’s okay, you fell asleep, no rush,” he whispered. I lay back, and kind of drifted asleep again.

When I woke lying on the couch with a soft throw over me, he was nowhere in sight. I crept around, but the house was still and in darkness, except
for a light upstairs.

I picked my way
upstairs, and the second from the top stair creaked. I’d heard it before, but only remembered after I stood on it this time. His room door was ajar, and he was lying naked, chest down on top of his bed, his head facing the door.

He looked amazing lying there. His strong muscular back made him
 look like something I would see flicking through a men’s fitness magazine.

I stared
 longingly at the complex man I had fallen in love with. He looked so peaceful and carefree lying there, and I wondered how it was possible that he could look even more stunning as he slept.

I
 resisted the urge to lie down beside him. He’d kept his word tonight. I was pleased that I meant enough for him to respect my feelings, even if he had nothing other than sexual feelings of his own around our relationship.

I snuck out and climbed behind the wheel of my car.
 It was after one in the morning. I drove home and don’t really remember getting into bed, I was bone tired.

I felt a little better about Alfie
. He was in my life, this was not the ‘hearts and flowers’ I wanted, but I was more confident about trying to do the ‘friends without the benefits’ thing.

Trying to be
 platonic friends wasn’t going to be easy with him though.
Would I be able to suppress my feelings for him?
I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I really wanted to try.

I’d enjoyed
 just spending time with him. He was funny and charming, and seemed to enjoy just hanging with me.

The alarm buzzed loudly. The display flashed that it was 6:30am
; I groaned and rolled over, stretching my bones. I remembered my time with Alfie last night and felt happier about the pending day. I willed myself to slide out from under the sheets and get into the shower.

Soap cascaded
 down my body, and warm rivulets of water ran over my skin. I was meeting Will this morning and knew I had a couple of bridges to build with him over my deception around Alfie.

I drove into the car lot on campus still feeling good about last night, when I saw Alfie talking to Will. They seemed deep in conversation, and I saw him pat Will’s back. Will was nodding, then he seemed to lean in
, and I saw Alfie’s expression looked a little tense.

Will saw me, and his smile seemed a little forced.
 I wondered if they were talking about me. Alfie waved at me, then stopped Will by the touching his arm, saying something to him.

Alfie
 came toward me alone. Will sat back on a bench waiting for me. He hesitated, then leaned in and kissed me lightly on the cheek. It gave me goose bumps, but I tried to ignore them. “Hey, ” he cooed. “You were so peaceful last night I thought it best to leave you sleeping.”

I
 smiled warmly. “What time did you leave?” he asked.

I shrugged. “Late.” I was smiling, but felt a little shy around him today. “I really enjoyed last night.”

His lips curled into a beautiful smile. My smile widened, mirroring his. “Yeah, it was really nice. I liked it, thank you,” I echoed his sentiment.

He looked happy with my answer. “You want to hang with my band tonight? We’re playing in Orlando.”

I hadn’t actually heard his band play. “Can Will and Saffy come as well?” Alfie’s brows tightened, before his face relaxed. “Yeah, why not, we’re going down in a minivan. It’ll be a late night though.”

We agreed to arrange times later
, and I turned to see Will begin to stand and walk toward me. “I’ll catch you later, Alfie; Will’s a little neglected this morning by the looks of things.”

Walking over to Will, I could see he didn’t look good at all
. “What’s going on for you?” Will hugged himself then gestured a shrug. I rubbed his shoulder. “That bad, huh?” 

I could see he was almost in tears and hugged him tightly. “I don’t think you’re ready to say what you are thinking Will.”

He nodded. “Yeah, Lily, you get me don’t you?”

I guided us to the canteen and disappeared over to the counter, coming back with two large
lattes and some donuts. “Love sickness antidepressants.” I smiled, trying to lift his mood. Will couldn’t really raise a smile, but seemed to appreciate my efforts.

“Come on, we have a booth booked
, but we only have three hours today.” We took our refreshments with us, and I was concerned about how Will’s problem would affect our work.

Saffy
 was so important to me, but Will had become such a big part of my life since my arrival at college. “Listen Will, Saffy is over there.” I put one hand to one side of me and gestured between us with the other hand. “We’re here. We have to compartmentalize her for the sake of our work. We’ll deal with what’s going on when you are ready to talk.”

Will nodded
. “Thanks honey,” he said quietly. The session went terribly. I was having difficulty feeling the music with him today.

Will was shrouded in misery and wasn’t connected. Neither of us could anticipate changes in the way we usually could. After two hours I decided enough was enough. “Right, you’re coming with me.” I got our stuff togeth
er. “Come on!”

Will dragged himself slowly behind me. He didn’t protest or argue,
 it was as if he needed to be told what to do. We reached my car. “Get in,” I said. Will got in the car, and I drove out of the college. “Don’t you want to know where we’re going?” Will looked at me.

“
Seems like you’re the boss of me today,” he muttered, giving me a rueful smile.

“Are you ready to talk now Will?” He sighed
 heavily, and when he spoke his voice was shaky.

“I’m struggling
,” he said, stating the obvious to me.

“I can see that.” I squeezed his
hand, then pulled over, into a beach park. I parked the car and turned to face him. “Get out.” Will looked over at me.

“Here?” I nodded
.

“Being on the beach worked for my outpouring, it’s your turn today.” The beautiful w
hite sandy beach was deserted. 

We were both in shorts and
t-shirts, so we sat on the sand near the shoreline. “Okay Will, shoot!” Will played with the sand, not looking up.

“It’s so fucking difficult Lily.”

“Obviously, or you wouldn’t look like shit and not be able to eat a donut.” I smiled, lacing the fingers of his hand in mine.

“If I say it, it changes everything
. For me, for us, for Saffy.” I panicked thinking I was somehow involved in his angst.

“Right, firstly, I feel secure enough to be honest with you Will
. No matter what it is, we’ll weather it. I can’t speak for Saffy, but I’ll support you if I can, but it is difficult to know to what extent until I know what it is.”

I held Will’s hand, taking it from the sand and placed it over my heart
. He laced and unlaced his fingers through mine absentmindedly, then squeezed them.

“You know the other day when you said that I knew the feeling you had about being hurt?
Well, you were right. I was doing well, just beginning to heal with Saffy and your friendship. You are two very special people in my life.” I smiled, touched by his words, and squeezed his fingers back.

“My girl, Leanne, split with me because I chose to come to college
. She wanted me to get a regular job and get married. It took me two extra years to save the money to be here. My dad worked too hard to give me everything he had. I wouldn’t take all that he had to do it, so I worked my way here, Lily.” I listened to him talk about his life and realized that outside of college, we hadn’t talked much about life pre-college.