Enough Isn't Everything (Everything Trilogy) (27 page)

My voice sounded quiet and shaky when I was speaking
, and he looked a little shaken by my statement. “Can we talk? Just talk, no mind games?”

I sighed
. “I’m really tired Alfie, I just want to go home.” In truth, his stalking had taken the last of my energy.

“Can I drive you home? We could talk like this.” He wagged his finger between us.
“I’ll collect you in the morning to come get your car.”

I shook my head
. “No, I don’t want that,” I stated firmly. I really had feelings for Alfie. I was not going to be emotionally bullied because of my physical attraction to him though.

“Can I get in then? Would you drive me home, so that we can talk?” This was the last thing I wanted, but I figured that we need
ed to clear the air so that he would stop behaving like this toward me.

“Please Lily, I just want to talk to you.” He gave me a half smile and looked sincere, but I knew that his smile had
worked with many other women in the past. Even so, I was intrigued to find out what he had to say for himself.

I knew I was making a pretty stupid decision even before I agreed, but I resigned myself to trying to have some normality around him
. And that meant I’d have to discuss it with him.

“Okay, I’ll take you home, but cause me any problems
, and you’ll have to walk back to get your car.” He grinned and jumped in the passenger side before I could change my mind, making the leather seat squeak.

I moved away and faced the front, driving a little too carefully, waiting for him to speak. His hand slipped along the back of my seat. “Do you mind, I don’t like distractions when I’m driving.” He chuckled
, and I turned to glare at him. He realized I wasn’t joking with him and took his arm back.

“Why did you stop?” I shook my head incredulously at him.

“Why did I stop the car? You were in front of it,” I huffed.

“No. Us.” he husked, wagging his index finger between us again.

I swallowed hard, and stammered trying to speak before my thoughts had fully formed in my head. “It just wasn’t for me… the whole ‘fuck buddy’ thing, and there was no ‘us’,” I stated flatly.

He snickered.
 “I was there Lily; I still feel you, and you still feel me, so that’s bullshit. 
And
, it was
 
for you, you can’t tell me you didn’t like it,” he bit back at me, his mouth curled in a sneer.

I sat quietly, my breathing a little fast from his nearness and the exchange between us. “Okay, it wasn’t what I wanted. I thought I could do the no-emotional-ties sex thing. It left me with a bad taste in my mouth Alfie.” He narrowed his eyes in a hard stare for what seemed like ages, not speaking.

He sighed.
 “I warned you that I wouldn’t get emotionally involved with you, Lily. I can’t ever love you,” he said, shaking his head. “I want you, but I can’t ever make a commitment to you.” My heart squeezed hard at his harsh words.

“Why
 is that?” I whispered. “What’s wrong with me?” He squeezed my hand, his face looking sympathetic toward me. “God, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re fucking perfect. Believe me, Lily, I just can’t.”

“You tell
 me you can’t, but don’t I deserve a reason? I’m flesh and blood, a young woman, not a fucking toy or some whore off the street that you can pay for. I don’t want to have any kind of relationship with someone who only wants my body and only speaks to me when no one else is around.”

I was feeling incensed now. “When we were alone, you treated me like I was special, and I don’t mean your special feelings shit. You were so into me when I was with you. Yet, you emotionally wreck me in front of my friends by ignoring me, and play fucking games with my feelings so that you can get off on it?”

He brought his hands up to his neck, and stretched backwards. I could see that what I’d said had some effect on him. I just didn’t know what though. Alfie asked me to stop the car. I refused, continuing to drive him home because I felt that all the time I was driving he was less likely to try something.

He sat in silence for some time. “I told you Lily, no hearts-and-flowers, you knew that when we agreed the arrangement.” I bit my
lip, looking at him. He bit his in return, and I wished for just a second he hadn’t looked so sexy doing it.

“You told me that we could terminate the arrangement at any time. So what? We’re both fucking liars?” I spat back.
I thought about the girl I’d seen him around campus with and was about to ask him about her. “Interesting choice of words you keep giving me Alfie.”

He frowned
. “What words?”

I gave him a small smile. “I can’t love you,
can’t
 ever give you a commitment. Can’t love me? It sounds to me like there is something or someone stopping you. People don’t sign up for commitment as soon as they start a relationship Alfie. So, it seems strange to me that you would put that out there before you even know someone, unless there’s a reason not to get involved.”

I sighed
again, this was so draining. “I’m tired of this drama. I think I get what you want. I tried it, but it just wasn’t for me. I’ve seen you with all those other women Alfie, why would you wine and dine them without fucking them, then call me when you’re done? Do you get off on secrets and lies?”

Alfie stared at me, not offering anything as a reply.
 “I‘ve seen your other women Alfie, it isn’t like I’m anything special anyway.” His finger trailed over the back of my hand as I gripped the steering wheel.

“You’re my
favorite girl, Lily. You are so much more than them. They picked me, Lily, but I picked you.” He ran his fingers through his hair and for the first time, I really thought that what he was saying affected him.

I knew
 that women probably threw themselves at him. Christ, he was irresistible to me even after he told me what he wanted from me that first time. “I don’t want to be your favorite Alfie, I just want to have a normal relationship and be respected for who I am.”

He clasped his hands and stretched his arms turning his palms out in front of him. “You want me to pretend that I’m your boyfriend
, is that it?”

Our
conversation was becoming more and more bazaar. “No Alfie. Listen, I enjoyed what we did, our connection was amazing. I don’t want you to feel bad about any of it. I was as much invested as you were. However, I’ve moved on. I can’t be with you… that way, any more.”

He put his hand on the steering
wheel. “Stop the fucking car.”

I looked at him quickly, but continued to drive. “Stop the fucking car now, Lily.” I became worried about his temper and pulled over, not entirely convinced this was the right decision.

“Look at me.” He had swung sideways to face me. My face spun to look at him. “Can I try something?” He must have seen the fear on my face, because he tried to reassure me more softly. “Don’t worry babe, I won’t hurt you.”

I bit my lip and said quietly, “You do Alfie, every day you do this,
you do hurt me.”

His head moved back as if I had slapped him, his mouth dropped. “That’s not what I’m trying to achieve here, Lily, far from it.”

I sighed. He asked again, “Can I try something?” I looked apprehensively at him and he said, “Trust me.” I looked away. I had trusted him, and this was where it had gotten me.

Yet, I
was curious about what he wanted to try. “Okay.” I sounded almost inaudible. Alfie leaned over and moved my seat back, giving me more leg room. “Face me Lily.” I swung my legs around.

He
 cupped my face in his hands, stroking my cheeks with his thumbs. A tear fell from my eye and streaked down my cheek. He caught it with his thumb, bringing it up to his mouth. His face closed in on mine, and I shut my eyes.

I didn’t want to look at him,
it hurt too much. His lips landed on my closed eye, kissing one then the other, as his hand stroked the back of my neck.

It wasn’t a passionate embrace. It
 was a tender, comforting one; a side to Alfie I’d never seen previously. His face moved to my neck, and he whispered, “Lily, I really don’t want to hurt you honey, all I want is to make you feel good.” I pushed him back.

“I’ve told you it doesn’t make me feel good. It’s killing me, Alfie, please stop
,” I pleaded.

As I was talking to him, I couldn’t stop my feelings. I was frightened because despite how he was making me feel, I had fallen in love with him. My heart sank to my stomach. This is not how it was supposed to be.

Alfie sat back and stopped touching me. He huffed out slowly, his breathing ragged. He gripped the sides of his seat as if he was restraining himself from touching me again.

We sat in silence, but grief washed over me. The reality of why I’d been so tormented by this was hitting me like a tsunami. Not only had I fallen deeply in love with Alfie, but I’d fallen in love with someone who could never love me back.

I heard myself say, “Don’t do that again, don’t touch me. I’m starting the car, and I’m going to take you home now.” We sat in silence and by the time we arrived at his house, my face was streaming with tears.

I was too distraught to fight him when he pulled me into him. “Shush
,” he whispered. “I really don’t want to hurt you, honey. You need to stay here tonight. You can’t drive home like this.”

I tensed and he rubbed my back.
 “I promise I won’t come near you, I’ll sleep on the couch.” I started to protest, but realized that I was such a wreck it wouldn’t be safe for me to drive home. I was too distraught to argue any more.

Alfie
 was true to his word, he walked in front of me, putting the nightstand light on and left the room. He reappeared a few minutes later with a bottle of water and some headache pills.

His face was full of concern, but I asked him to leave me alone and he did, closing the door behind him.

All I could think about was his touch and that he didn’t want me. His bed smelled of him, and I inhaled his pillow, then cried so hard into it. My sobs racked through my body until my throat and my head ached.

I rolled onto my side and pulled my knees up tightly.
 It was like I was trying to protect myself, but it was too late. My soul had been ripped from my body, and he was playing with it. I lay there rocking myself for the longest time until eventually I fell asleep, exhausted.

When
 I stirred, it was to a low grinding noise. Then realized it was coffee being ground in the kitchen. I could feel the warm sun on my face and before I opened my eyes, I felt calm. But then I remembered I had to face Alfie and panicked. I jumped to a sitting position, my eyes wide.

The sunlight streamed through the large window with the blinds
 that never got drawn down when I went to bed. Remembering I was in his bed, I scrambled out of it and into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. 
Oh. My. God, I can’t be here.

I began to clean myself up, my eyelids were puffy
, and I looked tired. My eyes were clear and shiny though, and I looked a little ‘doe eyed’ after my marathon sobbing session, but my skin glowed. I put my clothes on in a hurry, putting two legs down the one leg of my crop pants in my haste. My body just wouldn’t cooperate.

I finger brushed my hair and finger scrubbed my
 teeth with some paste. I found some chewing gum in my purse, and popped it in my mouth to erase the final traces of bad breath.

I stood watching him
 at the top of the stairs before he knew I was there. He was singing along to the radio, wearing boxer shorts that hung low on his hips, and nothing else.

How was I supposed to deal with this?
I couldn’t stop myself from staring at his form. His appearance was mesmerizing to me, an incredible, beautiful man; the contours of his profile were perfect. As he moved around the kitchen, different muscle groups flexed and relaxed with his movements.

He went about his daily routine like nothing had happened, like he didn’t have a care in the world. Again, he had managed to distract me without any effort.

He tilted his head in the direction of the stairs, his eyes fixing on me when he noticed me standing there. His lips curled and spread into a wide grin. I hadn’t been able to retrieve the practiced phrases I wanted to use on him, because they went clean out of my head as soon as our eyes connected.

My plan was going to be a quick thank
-you for allowing me to stay, a request for him to leave me alone, and I was going to be on my way home. I never got to say any of it because he spoke while I was still collecting my thoughts.

“Feeling better?”
 
Nope. 
I forced a smile.

“Yeah, yesterday kind of sucked,” I croaked and smiled wryly. My body
let me down again, when he raked me over with his eyes, by blushing.

I became a little awkward and hugged myself, and began to move toward the door. “Okay, well, thanks for the bed, but I need to run
. All my stuff is back at my place. Do you need a ride to your car or can you get someone to help you?”

He raised his brow
. “I could come by and you could take me after college.” I shrugged, but I knew I was going to ask Will to help me out there. Alfie pulled at his bottom lip with his index finger and thumb. “Lily, can I ask you something?” I really didn’t want to get into another argument with him this morning.

I
nodded, but didn’t speak. “Is it better with Will? Is he a stronger lover?” Fuck, I felt so hurt. He really still thought I was sleeping with Will. I stood still, trying not to show the shock and rage I was feeling at his presumption.

“You both play together like you are lovers, when he’s blowing his sax I wonder if he’s imagining he’s blowing you Lily.” He smirked. I laughed almost hysterically at his comment.

“You’re absurd! You do know that, right?”

He poured himself a coffee, but didn’t make light of it
, and I realized he really was serious about Will and I. “I’m sorry, my bad, it’s none of my business?”

I sighed tiredly
. “Damn right it isn’t. What Will and I have… is much stronger than anything physical.” Alfie looked like he didn’t get that. “Will doesn’t get my body, Alfie. What he does do is he fucks my heart and soul, emotional stuff, that’s where our connection comes from.”

Alfie had a strange look on his face. “I don’t like to think of him with you, Lily.”

My jaw dropped. “You’re jealous? That’s an emotion, Alfie.”

“It isn’t jealousy, but if you’re having sex with
him, then that makes my chances less.” I thought about how black and white everything was to him.

“How can you even say stuff like that and think it
’s okay? Anyway, what Will and I do is none of your business, Alfie. All you need to know is that you and I aren’t sleeping together.”

His
 lips pouted when I said it, and he looked sadly at me. “Any chance we can fix this, Lily?” He leaned back on the counter, his hips tilting in my direction.

He looked so sexy standing there in his navy boxers, his toned body stretching and flexing as he rocked slightly.
 I really wanted to slide my arms around his waist and press my face to his chest.

Instead, I shook my head lamely.
 “Alfie, all I know is since I’ve met you, apart from the nights we spent together, I have never felt so fucking miserable in my life. So that’s a resounding no. I used to be upbeat, an eternal optimist. But those nights with you, and then you pretending I don’t exist around other people, changed all that for me. I’ve never felt so insignificant in my life.”