Enough Isn't Everything (Everything Trilogy) (33 page)

Alfie
 turned me to face him, and I was sobbing uncontrollably now. He engulfed me in a bear hug. I couldn’t breathe, he was suffocating me with this hot and cold treatment, suffocating my love for him and using it to torment me.

This situation was all wrong.
 I could never be ‘just friends’ with him. Overwhelming feelings of love and the reality of this engulfed me. I couldn’t settle for less than the whole deal with him. I was here in his arms, and I had to resist him.

I would have to hide my true feelings for him, he’d used them already. He was comforting me, rubbing my back, telling me, “shush.” I let him because I n
eeded something at that moment.

When I had calmed myself, I
 summoned up the energy to push him away from me. “I’m staying here tonight. I don’t want to travel back with you. I just need a cab to take me to a hotel.”

He put
 his hand out for me to take it. “Come here babe.” I was incensed.

“I am not your babe, Alfie, stop it
… I’m not your anything remember?” He actually looked tortured by my outburst.

“Come on Lily, I’m sorry, don’t be ridiculous…” I was furious
.

“
Ridiculous? You and your perverted ‘mind fuck’ treatment is what’s ridiculous. I don’t want to be around you, ever! I hate you. You play with me like I’m nothing. Leave me alone, don’t fucking touch me again, don’t call me, don’t come near me. I can’t stand this anymore. I don’t want anything from you!” He looked stunned by my outburst.

I turned to a roadie who was standing watching me. “Please help me. I want him to stay away from me
,” I said pointing at Alfie. He stepped forward, and Alfie’s jaw clenched.

“I got this buddy, she’s always this dramatic when sh
e’s been drinking,” he quipped.

My jaw dropped in disbelief
, and I gave the roadie a pleading look. He leaned toward Alfie. “All the same dude, the girl’s upset, and I would rather you gave her some space. I’ll make sure she finds a place to stay, and you can take it up with her tomorrow.”

Alfie was no match for the guy physically, so although he continued to try to sweet talk me, the guy wouldn’t allow him to
make eye contact with me. “Dude, you’re done, back off,” he said, ushering me away after another minute. The roadie continued to scowl in Alfie’s direction until he walked away, running his hand through his hair.

Joel, the roadie
helping me, was great. He didn’t ask me any questions, but took me to a safe area of Orlando and checked me into a decent hotel. He even sorted out my car rental for me before leaving. We swapped cell numbers, and I agreed to call him if I needed him, should Alfie reappear.

I stood in the hotel room shower, sobbing my heart out. Maybe being here the US wasn’t right for me. Since I’d arrived I’ve had relationship problems with almost everyone I’ve met. I considered whether it was a culture clash or my perception of people, or maybe my naivety or my poor willpower.

My nose was so blocked from all my tears, combined with the humid heat
, it made it difficult to breathe. I felt I was suffocating, then realized I was having a panic attack. I wished for the first time that my parents had been firmer with me and that I’d stayed in the UK.

I crawled into bed, my eyes stinging
, and I fell asleep too tired to think. I awoke to my cell ringing. I squinted at the Caller ID, trying to focus in the dark. SEXPERT ID flashed so I let it ring out. A minute later there was a beep, telling me he’d left a message. That pattern continued for the next hour. I switched off my phone and sobbed again.
Why couldn’t this guy just leave me alone? Does he do this to his other girls? Why does he live alone? Where is his family?

He’d been relentless this week pursuing me, yet there was the girl on campus.
Where was she when all of this was happening?

I woke a
little after nine the next morning with a pounding headache. I was going to miss college this morning for sure. I switched on my cell to call Will and explain. As soon as my cell fired up, I saw seventeen missed calls. Saffy three times, Will five, Alfie eight – five last times last night, and three this morning – and one from Joel.

I rang Joel first figuring he’d be the quickest to deal with.
 I thanked him for all of his help and invited him and his wife to come visit with us after winter break. I rang Will next. “Where the hell are you Lily? We’ve been out of our minds with worry here.” His voice sounded really concerned.

I was touched by that and felt bad that I’d worried them. I lied that my cell battery had died
, and that I’d stayed the night in Miami as it had been a late night. “Did you sleep with him?” I was taken aback by Will’s directness.

“No
Will, I didn’t.” He exhaled as if he had been holding his breath. “Good girl.”

I cringed as I thought of the possibility of Will running into Alfie on campus and finding out what really happened.
 Saffy was with Will as he was dropping her off at her college campus. I was relieved that I didn’t have to lie twice. Alfie, I didn’t want to deal with at all. I deleted all his missed calls.

My voicemail envelope was flashing. I didn’t want to check it, but felt I
should, just in case my parents had called. Message #1, Alfie’s voice—delete. I deleted the next six from him also. Message #8 was a little different, he sounded almost melancholic. “I won’t let you walk away without us talking this out.”

I got
 especially angry about that message and before I knew what I was doing I had pressed the number to ring him back. I didn’t even think it rang before he answered. “Oh, thank God,” he said. “I was worried sick.” I smarted at that.

“Really, Alfie?
 That would imply you cared. Won’t let me walk away from what?” My heart was already broken by his treatment of me. I snickered.

“Why were you worried? We’re nothing, and anyway, I thought you didn’t do emotions.” He exhaled into his cell.

“This isn’t the time for glib remarks,” he said dryly. “Where are you?” I shook my head.

“Oh, no you don’t, you don’t get to be in the same room as me again, do you hear me? I don’t want you. I don’t w
ant anything to do with you. Why won’t you leave me alone? What the hell is wrong with you?”

His voice interrupted, “Meet me. We’ll talk, I promise.” My heart was thumping in my chest, my head
bursting with anger.

“Are you out of your freaking mind? I’m not meeting you, I’m not
… I’m just not… anything to you anymore. Correction, I was never anything to you.” Alfie sighed heavily.

“That’s not true
,” he snapped back at me. I tried to sound calm. 

“Last night, on the bus.You had the opportunity to let me in.
 You avoided me.”

He was silent,
 and then he sighed. “You want to know about me? Meet me, I’ll tell you anything you want to know.” I huffed. I was tired of this carousel we always seemed to be on.

“Why? Why should I meet you? What does it matter now anyway? I’m walking
away, Alfie. You’ve made me a mess, and I can’t allow you any more of my time. You’re not good for me.”

“Wait!”
he shouted, sensing that I was completely serious. “I’m begging you, meet me.” His voice sounded desperate. I’d never heard any real emotion in his voice before except when he sang.

I don’t know why, but I said, “You have one hour of my time, and only because I’m curious
. Fuck it up and you don’t exist to me, got it?” He sighed again sounding relieved this time.

“
Okay, where are you?” I shrugged, even though he couldn’t see me.

“I don’t know, but my car will be here in a few minutes, give me a zip code and I’ll meet you
… somewhere public, Alfie.”

So an hour later
 I sat watching him before I went over. Alfie didn’t look up when I drove into the restaurant car lot, but he didn’t know it was me in the rental. He was sitting rubbing his thighs rocking back and forth. He tilted his head, then dropped it again, shaking it.

Whatever he was thinking, it was troubling him.
 
How could someone that looked that good make me feel this bad?
I had to get past how he looked and what I felt for him and remember why I was here.

He smiled weakly at me, standing slowly
, and he almost put his hand on my waist as he greeted me. I threw him a look, and he dropped it to his side. “Thanks for agreeing to meet me, Lily,” he said his voice sounded soft and tired.

Alfie
gestured to an outside table at the restaurant. The waitress brought coffee, and I set the alarm on my cell and placed it in front of me, “You have an hour Alfie. Say what you want to say.” My tone was abrupt, and I was determined this time.

“You want to know about me? Okay,
I’m twenty-four years old. I live in my family home… alone. My parents are dead, my mom when I was eighteen, my dad a couple of years ago, one from cancer the other drunk himself to death because he lost her… my mother. My sister won’t come home to see me because she can’t bring herself to come to the house that my parents died in. I can’t leave it for the same reason.”

I sat in silence
. For someone so young, he’d taken a huge hit emotionally, no wonder he was shut down. “There is stuff that I can’t talk about. Or that I’m not ready to talk about. I really like you Lily, but trust me, I can’t and won’t get into a relationship.” He gave me a half smile.

“So you think the way to deal with your grief is to fuck up other
people’s minds?” He looked pensively at me. “How many ‘fuck buddies’ have you had Alfie?” He shifted in his seat.

“Honestly?” I cringed, when he said that expecting at least double digits.

He looked as if he was counting then sighed. “One, you.” A tear rolled down his cheek, he exhaled heavily and looked down at his hands. I digested what he was saying. “And the other women?”

“They’re
… they don’t count.” I smirked at his dismissive tone.

“Me? What about me?” His eyes softened.

“When I touch you Lily, my head goes into meltdown. I just want to feel pleasure, which isn’t the same feeling as love. I told you I wasn’t capable of hearts and flowers.” I sat silent again. I just didn’t know what to say, nothing I could say would make either one of us feel any better.

“I don’t want to lose you.” It was almost inaudible. My eyes flicked to his
.

“Lose me? We’re nothing to each other Alfie. You can’t lose what you don’t have.” His speech faltered
.

“I know
… but still…” He struggled with himself, trying to figure out exactly what he meant. His hand ran through his hair again.

“Let me ask you something, I don’t expect a reply,
and if you walk away, I’ll let you, because it’s the best thing for you, but just let me say it.” I waited as his gaze fixed on mine. He leaned over and reached for my hand. I stiffened, and his eyes looked pleadingly at me not to fight this, so I let him hold it in his.

“I didn’t want last night to go like that
. I’m really sorry, baby.” My eyes shot up at him.

“I’m not your baby.” He gave me a half smile, and bit the inside of his cheek.

“I know, sorry.” He looked a little embarrassed at his term of endearment.

I pleaded with him. “Why don’t you just leave me alone, you can’t say you don’t know you’re hurting me?” He bit his lip
, and cradled my hand between both of his. I was tired, I couldn’t fight him and it was comforting to have him touch me, even though I’d pay for it later.

“I can’t
… I can’t explain it, but I can’t leave you alone.” He lifted my hand and brushed his lips across the back of it. It was an intimate, affectionate gesture, but at the same time he knew he was crushing my heart.

A tear rolled down my face. He brushed it away with his
thumb, leaving his hand caressing my cheek. “I don’t want to use you Lily, I don’t want to cause you pain. I want to spend time with you, I like you. I love being inside you, touching you, holding you. I wish I could love you, but I can’t.”

My heart cracked open at his honesty. I wanted to run away and never have to face him again. I sniffed
. “Why, Alfie? If you can’t love me then you need to let me be.” He looked pale, his eyes sad.

“I can’t do love… offer you that. I told you no hearts
and flowers.”

I was angry. “So you keep saying
. You are so unfair. Please don’t do this to me, I can’t stand it.” Alfie smoothed his hand over his t-shirt, rubbing his chest.

“Maybe if we spent more time
together, you wouldn’t feel this way. Maybe my emotions wouldn’t be such a focus for you, if we were friends.” A single tear fell onto my t-shirt.

“Alfie we were never just friends, friends don’t hurt each other. Do you think I’m your fucking plaything, Alfie?” A sob escaped my throat
. “How about this? You leave me alone. Maybe meet someone that can do all the things for me you can’t Alfie, have you thought about that?” I picked at the napkin on the table.

“You as much as told two guys last night that I was your girl, I’m yours to any man that pays attention to me, but I’m not yours Alfie, just as much as you’re not mine. All this hot sexual tension then the cold-shower
stuff is screwing with my head.”

He looked angry now
. “If you were honest with yourself Lily, you’d agree that when I’m near you, it gives you pleasure too. I’m not wrong about the way you look at me.”

Alfie shook his head at me, staring into my eyes. “You wanted me during those
few moments. I could have had you every fucking time. I didn’t take advantage of that.” Alfie struggled to express himself.

“I can’t help the endless sexual tension there is around us. I suppose it’s because you gave me the best sex ever, but you feel it as well.”

“That’s just it!” I spat. “I don’t want to do that. Well, maybe I do sometimes, just for fun,” I said confused. He gave me a half smile and latched onto that last statement by widening his eyes in interest at me.

“If you are talking about your needs, mine count too, I’m not like you, Alfi
e. I need love as well as sex.”I stared at his beautiful, sad face and whispered, “I deserve the man I’m with to love me, to make love to me. I’ve had that now, so I know the difference. I know that I couldn’t live without that for the rest of my life.” He held my gaze and nodded slowly, letting go of my hand, and gave me a resigned smile.

The alarm went off on my cell. I switched it off and stood u
p. “How are you getting back?”

Alfi
e hugged himself.

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll get back.” I couldn’t leave him standing in the middle of Orlando, when I was going back anyway. “Come on, I’ll give you a ride, but
don’t you touch me.”

He gave me a small grin, and shook his head. He crossed his heart with his finger and commented. “I promise, most definitely not.”

I drove back, with music as our safe topic of conversation, and he slept some of the way. He had been up all night looking for me, and I had been asleep. I know it shouldn’t have, but it kind of made me feel better that he was worried enough not to sleep, but I did feel a bit guilty about that all the same.

He had said he couldn’t give me up
. I didn’t know he’d had me, I didn’t feel like I’d had him in any way except the biblical sense that’s for sure.

My heart squeezed to think of how fabulous we could have been together in all ways, but he just didn’t want me enough.
 So… I wasn’t enough for him. What I did know was our sexual chemistry made me vulnerable, he had admitted that he was powerless to stop himself.