Elusive Love (15 page)

I stared up at the living room ceiling with Ethan’s spare sheets wrapped around me like a cocoon, willing my eyes to shut. I knew it was pointless. I pulled the blanket tighter around me and clung to it, as if it had all the answers I was seeking.

The last few hours had been unexpected, terrifying. And I hated to say it, but it’d been exhilarating as well. The kiss I’d shared with Ethan had awoken something in me, a hunger that I hadn’t felt in a very long time, maybe even years.

Still, as always when it came to Ethan, the guilt crept in. I’d kissed a man who wasn’t my husband. I’d cheated. I couldn’t toss around blame for that. Joey and I might have our problems, but he wasn’t at fault for this. Neither was Ethan.

Sweet, caring Ethan
. The fact that he felt the same way I did—that he had for so long and never even once made any attempt to sway me—told me exactly how good of a person he was. If it had been up to him, he would’ve stayed silent forever, letting me live my life how it was.

Too late
, a little voice whispered inside my head.
The cat’s out of the bag now.

Now, I had a decision to make, not about Ethan though. That had to wait even though, if our kiss was proof of what could be, I knew without a doubt that I would end up with him if I finally left Joey. But there was no way I could even think about that right now.

First, I had to decide if I was going to split my family apart or if I would somehow manage to remain with Joey, the way I always had. The second option cut into my soul like a knife.

Before, I had never felt what I felt tonight. I couldn’t crave something I had known absolutely nothing about. Now, the thought of what I was missing, what was lacking in my marriage, plagued me. Even worse, I couldn’t understand why this had all happened so fast. This morning, I hadn’t even truly understood the way I felt about Ethan. Tonight, all I could think about was how he’d shown me what life was supposed to be like.

I glanced at his closed bedroom door, wishing he were in here with me. He always knew what to say to help me. I knew, even after his confession tonight, he would still listen to me and help as I tried to sort out the uncertainties in my life. I couldn’t do that to him though. It would be cruel, talking with him about Joey.

I winced. God, I’d been cruel to Ethan over and over again without ever realizing it. Every time I’d talked to him about my life with Joey had to have hurt him, but I knew he’d never admit it.

Giving up on my attempt to sleep, I sat up and moved so that my feet were resting on his coffee table, the blanket still covering me. Ethan’s television sat directly across from me. I stared at the black screen, willing my mind to go numb for even a few minutes.

It was pointless. In my heart, I already knew my decision. I just needed to come to terms with it and accept the pain that was sure to follow.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.
I’m going to leave my husband.

There. I’d said it.

When I opened my eyes again, the room was exactly the same. My decision hadn’t changed anything. Fire wasn’t raining down from the sky, engulfing me in heat and flames. The world hadn’t ended.

“Everything okay?”

I jerked around to see Ethan standing in his doorway, watching me.

“I’m fine,” I said, my voice cracking.

“Then, why do you have tears running down your face?” he asked softly.

I reached up and touched my cheek. Sure enough, it was covered in tears. I quickly wiped them away but more replaced them.

“I didn’t even realize…” I trailed off as sobs suddenly racked my body.

Ethan moved across the room, and he was next to me in a flash. He pulled me into his arms as my sobs took control of me. I clung to him, not caring that I was covering the front of his shirt in tears and probably snot.

He didn’t whisper how everything would be okay. He didn’t say anything at all.

Instead, he just held me.

I woke up in a sweltering heat. I felt sweat dampening my hair. Wondering if an inferno had decided to take me after all, I opened my eyes. All I could see was the soft material that made up Ethan’s shirt. My eyes widened, and I instantly jerked away. Ethan’s arms were wrapped around me, but I fought my way free and scooted to the opposite end of the couch.

I’d fallen asleep in Ethan’s arms.

It made the shame of my predicament instantly bubble to the surface. My husband—who I’d sent only a brief text telling him that I wouldn’t be home, who had tried to text me over and over throughout the night—was waiting for me. He was probably worried sick, considering my abrupt departure and lack of return. And here I had been, sleeping in Ethan’s arms. That was wrong.

I glanced over at Ethan and saw that his eyes were open, returning my gaze from the other side of the couch. I fought not to grin at the way his hair was sticking up or the sleepy look on his face. He looked so sweet in that moment, and it took everything in me not to reach out and touch him.

“Morning,” he said, his voice still muffled with sleep.

“We slept together,” I said, pointing out the obvious.

He grinned. “I think I’d remember something like that, Caley.”

I shook my head, refusing to smile back. “You know what I mean.”

The smile finally slipped from his face, and he sighed. “Caley, you didn’t mean to fall asleep on me. I didn’t mean to fall asleep either. It just happened. Stop trying to make yourself feel guilty over this, too.”

I raised an eyebrow, but he only rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, I know you feel guilty about everything. It’s practically radiating off of you in waves.”

“Everything about you makes me feel guilty,” I whispered, sadness filling me. “I hate that.”

He moved until he was sitting next to me on the couch. “Stop thinking about me. This has nothing to do with me at the moment.”

I gave him an incredulous look. “It has everything to do with you. If I hadn’t…” I swallowed roughly. “If I had never shown up here last night, my life, my relationship with you, my relationship with him, would still be the same as they had been the day before and the day before that.”

He looked at me with such a devastated look that I had to look away. “Please tell me I’m not the reason you were in so much pain last night. I couldn’t bear that.”

I shook my head and stared down at my lap where I was wringing my hands together. “No, that wasn’t your fault, not really. You were the catalyst that started my own personal apocalypse, but you’re not the reason for my pain. That’s all on me.”

He reached over and grabbed my hands, pulling one away. He held it in both of his, squeezing it softly. “So, what are you going to do now?”

I finally looked back up at him. The pain in his gaze had disappeared. He was expressionless as he waited for my answer. I was sure it was because he didn’t want to sway me one way or another.

“Now, I’ll go home and tell my husband that I don’t love him anymore. I’ll tell him that it’s over. And once that painful conversation is over, I’m going to watch as my world falls apart.” I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, willing the tears to stay away. When I was sure they would, I opened my eyes again. “Then, I’ll start to rebuild from whatever rubble has fallen down on me.”

He laced his fingers through mine. “You know I’m here for you, right? Last night doesn’t change anything.”

“Of course it does. I can’t expect you to stand with me as I try to deal with this. It wouldn’t be fair to you. What I’ve been doing, telling you all of my problems, wasn’t fair either. If I had known that you felt…”

“If you had known I cared, you would’ve, what?” he asked. “Brushed me aside, distanced yourself? I don’t think so, Caley. I’d rather hear every single detail about your marriage than have you walk away from me again.”

“But I can’t just—” I started.

He cut me off, “Don’t. Just don’t. I won’t let you push me away—not now, not when I know…” He stopped and took a deep breath. “Not when I know there might be a chance for us someday. It hurt like hell before, yes, but it was worth it, just to be near you again. I won’t give that up, no matter what you say or do. I’m staying right here, beside you, for as long as you need me.”

“What did I ever do to deserve someone like you?” I asked. “You’re the kindest person I’ve ever known. You’re honest, and you truly care. I don’t understand how someone like you could ever want someone like me.”

“Someone like you? Caley, you don’t see yourself the way everyone else does, mentally and physically.” He released my hand and reached up to trail his fingers down my cheek. “You’re beautiful, inside and out. I just wish you’d realize that.”

Warmth flooded my cheeks at his compliment.

When was the last time anyone ever told me I was beautiful?
I couldn’t remember.

“Maybe, one day, I’ll see what you see,” I finally muttered after a moment, doubting the words even as I spoke them. I knew what I thought of myself. I didn’t see that changing, especially after all these years.

“I’ll make sure that you do.” He dropped his hand and stood. “You’re welcome to stay here for as long as you like, but I think you should go sooner rather than later. The longer you’re here, the more you’ll doubt your decision.”

“You’re right,” I admitted as I stood. “I’m going to leave now. If I don’t, I’ll just end up spending the day here, hiding from what I have to do.”

He walked me to the door and opened it. “If you need anything, and I mean anything, call me. I’ll come to you, or you can come here if you want.”

“Thank you for everything.” I stepped outside onto his porch. “I’ll let you know how it goes.”

He leaned forward and kissed me on the forehead. His arms circled my waist. “Good luck, Caley. You’re stronger than you know. I hope you realize that by the end of the day.”

I tried to smile, but it was weak. He released me, and I turned to walk to my car.

I pulled my keys and phone out of my pockets before climbing in. I tossed my phone into the cup holder and shoved my keys into the ignition. My car rumbled to life. I fought tears again as I put the car in drive and pulled out.

I concentrated on my breathing as I drove home, afraid that I would lose control again. The closer I got to home, the harder it was to stay in control.

By the time I pulled into the lot, I was shaking. I shut the car off and stared ahead until I was sure I could hold myself together. As I climbed out of the car, I straightened my back and stared straight ahead. I wanted to feel as confident as I looked. Every part of me feared whatever was sure to happen once I walked into our apartment and told Joey the truth.

I made it upstairs in no time at all. It seemed to take only seconds before I found myself standing in our apartment, staring at Joey, who was sitting on the couch, waiting for me. The moment he saw me, he was up and walking to where I stood.

“Where were you?” he demanded. When I didn’t answer immediately, he went on, “You took off out of here like a rocket last night, and then I got a text telling me that you weren’t coming home. You wouldn’t answer my texts or calls!” His voice rose with each word until he was shouting. He stopped and took a step back, clearly trying to compose himself.