Elusive Love (13 page)

Now, if Caley had kissed me like that, we wouldn’t even still be in this parking lot. I would have taken us straight back to my place, determined to strip every inch of clothing from her body.

I shook my head to clear it.
Get your head out of your ass.

I didn’t need to think about Caley right now, not when I had Danielle with me and when Caley was off with her husband, probably making amends with him. God, they were probably swearing to each other at this very moment that things would change and that they’d live the rest of their lives being happy together.

My mood soured as I let Danielle lead me into the theater. I paid for our tickets without even knowing which movie Danielle had picked. I was sure she’d asked me about which movies I’d want to see—I remembered her speaking to me—but I didn’t for the life of me know what she’d said.

We ended up in a theater playing a chick flick that put every other chick flick to shame. My hopes of enjoying the movie were dashed within the first ten minutes.

I spent the entire time trying to stay in my seat and pay attention to the movie. It was so bad that I gave up halfway through, and instead, I simply focused on staying put.

When the movie finally—and blessedly—ended, we were the first ones out of the theater. Danielle rambled on about how good the movie was as we crossed the lot and climbed into my car.

Instead of being polite and asking if she was hungry, I drove her straight back to her dorm. She seemed surprised that I was dropping her off already.

“You can come up for a little bit if you want.”

I didn’t miss the flirty undertone in her voice.

Unable to keep this… this facade up any longer, I shook my head. “Danielle, you’re a really nice girl, but I think it’s best if this is our last date.”

Total silence filled the car for what felt like hours before she finally spoke, “You’re breaking up with me?” Her voice was full of disbelief.

“I can’t really break up with you since we’re not even dating,” I pointed out. I almost smacked myself. That was harsh. It wasn’t her fault that I was pissed off at the world today.

“But…what did I do wrong?”

I could tell that she was close to tears. Part of me felt guilty, but mostly, I just wanted her to get out of my car.

“You didn’t do anything, Danielle. I just think that this isn’t going anywhere. We have nothing in common. I’m sure you’ve noticed that, too.”

She went from heartbroken to angry in two seconds. “You haven’t even given me a chance, Ethan! How can you know we have nothing in common?”

I shook my head. “Please just go. I don’t want to fight with you.”

“Ugh!” she shouted as she opened her door and practically jumped out.

She slammed it so hard that I winced.

I didn’t hang around to see if she wanted to inflict any more pain on my poor car. Instead, I hauled ass out of the parking lot, relieved that I was finally free. Hopefully, that was the last time I would have to deal with Danielle.

Too aggravated to go home, I drove around town. I set my iPod to Five Finger Death Punch and let their music blare through my speakers. When I was pissed, they were always the band I listened to. They certainly didn’t help to calm me down, but hearing someone else being completely pissed at the world made me feel a little less alone.

I ended up in Caley’s part of town. I knew where her apartment building was since she had mentioned it before, but I’d never been there. I drove by the building twice, taking note of her car parked in the lot. It had been hours since work ended. Apparently, she was still patching things up with Joey.

I shook my head.
Don’t go there.

I didn’t need to think about the fact that she might be in bed with him right now. If I let my mind linger on that thought for too long, I would end up knocking on her door, demanding to be let in so that I could kill the fucker.

Needing to get away before I could do something stupid, I finally turned my car in the direction of home.

“Fuck this,” I muttered to myself. “Fuck it all. Stop tormenting yourself, and just let her go. It’s not your life or your choices. The sooner you realize that, the better.”

I made a promise to myself that I would somehow walk away from Caley. There was no other option left. If I didn’t walk away, I would drive myself insane.

Hell, I might already be there.

Somehow, I managed to make it home without losing what little lunch I’d had at work. I walked straight to our room and lay down under the sheets on the bed. I curled up into a ball and closed my eyes, hoping that sleep would take me. Of course, sleep was nowhere to be found. It seemed to always disappear when I needed it the most.

Joey checked on me once and let me know he was going to my parents’ house to pick up Amelia.

Once he was gone, I covered my head with the blanket and let the tears slide down my cheeks. I hated myself in that moment even though I knew it wasn’t entirely my fault. I couldn’t control how I felt. No one could. I’d suppressed my feelings, my mind not even registering what they were. I’d been trying to protect myself without even realizing it. If I didn’t know the truth about my feelings for Ethan, I couldn’t feel this way. It was too late now though. I knew, and the deep shame I felt wasn’t going anywhere.

I heard Amelia and Joey come home, but I couldn’t bring myself to crawl out of bed and join them. Instead, I buried my head under a pillow and willed myself to suffocate. Thoughts of my family disappeared as I pictured Ethan with that girl again—her arms around him, her mouth glued to his. Rage boiled inside of me again, but it was more contained this time.

Maybe I’m jealous because he isn’t focusing on me for once,
I thought, looking for any excuse I could to free myself from everything I felt. I knew it wasn’t true, but I hoped that maybe, just maybe, I’d start to believe it.

After hours of wallowing in my despair, I finally couldn’t stand it any longer. I had to know for sure what exactly I felt. It was stupid and reckless, but I had to know. I stood and glanced at the clock on my nightstand. It was just after nine. I’d spent most of the evening in bed.

When I emerged from our bedroom, I saw Joey sitting on the couch, watching TV.

He looked up and gave me a look of genuine concern. “Hey, how are you feeling?” he asked.

I shook my head. “I need air. I’m going out for a while.”

“Are you sure? You don’t look well.”

I hated how worried he sounded. It made the guilt I felt even worse. I wished that he would act the way he normally did. I would feel much better if he had demanded that I stay home just because he said so.

“I’ll be fine. I just…I need to go.” I grabbed my keys and phone and opened the door. “I’ll be back later.”

He called my name, but it was too late. The door had already closed, and I was heading down the stairs to the first floor. As soon as my feet hit the lobby floor, I sprinted across the room to the exit, not caring that I looked like I was running from the Devil himself. As soon as I made it to my car, I climbed in and tore out of the parking lot.

I barely remembered the drive to Ethan’s house. My hands shook, and my entire body trembled as I pulled into his driveway. I stared at his front door, trying to tell myself what the right thing to do was. I should leave, but I was still in my car. My seat belt was holding me back.

He had no idea that I was sitting out here, watching his house like a crazy stalker. If he did, he’d come out to check on me. He’d smile when he saw me, but I knew his smile would disappear when he saw whatever expression was on my face now. He’d know something was terribly wrong with me. He knew me that well. He’d always known me better than anyone, and after all this time, I knew that was still true.

If I did this, there would be no going back. He would know the truth, and there was nothing I could say, no lie I could tell, that would hide how I really felt. He would never look at me the same again. He’d probably shun me, not that I would be able to blame him. He did have that girl, Danielle, after all, and I had what was left of my marriage with Joey. That should’ve been enough for me, for both of us, but it wasn’t, not even close.

My fingers moved with a mind of their own, shutting off my car and unhooking my seat belt. I opened my car door and stepped out. The cold evening air blasted me in the face, but even it wasn’t enough to bring me to my senses.

I walked up the steps and stopped at his front door. I knocked loudly and waited. I shifted my weight from foot to foot as I tried not to think about what I was about to do.

Finally, the door opened, and there he stood. I took him in, memorizing every inch of him in case this was the last time I ever saw him. He was wearing a hat I’d seen on him several times before—a WVU football cap. It hid his black hair well. His hazel eyes gazed upon me. His full lips turned up into a smile, but it was clear he was confused as to why I had shown up with no notice.

“Caley, what are you doing here?” he asked.

“Is Danielle here?” I asked, ignoring his question.

He shook his head, confusion clear in his expression. “No. Why would she be here?”

It was like fate was trying to push me to do this. If she had been here, I would’ve been forced to think rationally, even if only temporarily.

“Can I come in?” I asked.

He held the door open further and took a step back. “Of course.”

I moved past him, my body shaking with nerves once again.

He closed the door and turned around to face me. “Everything okay, Caley? You seem kind of…odd tonight.”

The concern in his voice was evident. It made me feel even less like a good human being.

“I’m not okay, not at all,” I blurted. Tears burned my eyes, and I fought to keep them at bay.

He stepped closer to me. His expression was one of only concern. “What’s wrong? Did Joey do something? Did he hurt you?”

“I have to do this, just once, or I’ll never forgive myself for not doing it. It’ll haunt me forever. I have to know. Can you understand that?” I asked, barely making sense.

“Do what?” He seemed confused, not that I could blame him.

I stepped closer until he was within reach. I raised my hands and rested them on his firm chest. I pushed until he took a step back and then another. We kept going until his back was pressed against the door.

“What are you doing, Caley?” he asked, his voice hushed.

“Something incredibly stupid,” I whispered as I took one last step forward so that our bodies were pressed together. “Please don’t hate me for this.”

Not giving him time to ask anything else, I pressed my lips against his. He sucked in a breath, obviously caught off guard by my insane actions. I forced my body closer to his, something I’d thought was impossible. With my eyes closed, I continued to move my lips against his, waiting for the moment when he would push me away. I knew he would. It was the right thing to do. It was the only sane course of action.

Only, he didn’t. He didn’t push me away at all. Instead, his lips started moving against mine in the sweetest way. His hands found the small of my back and rested there, the heat from them searing through my shirt.

Guilt should have been crushing me under its weight. I should’ve felt like the most despicable human being alive.

But I didn’t. Instead, I felt alive. I felt weightless. I felt total and complete peace for the first time in so very long.

Ethan moaned, bringing forth a shiver from my body. The shiver was replaced by pure heat so intense that I was sure I would melt right there in his arms.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, and we clung to each other as he deepened the kiss. Our breaths came in panting gasps as we stood there.

Time was lost to us. Nothing outside of us existed anymore. The uncertainty I’d felt since seeing him with
her
earlier was nowhere to be found.

Finally—moments, weeks, or maybe years later—we broke apart.

I rested my head against his chest, both to hide myself from his penetrating gaze and to give myself time to recover. I hadn’t expected that, not at all.

“What are we doing?” I whispered against his shirt.