e (55 page)

Whatever it takes.

	Rachel Stevenson – 1/10/00, 5:34pm
to:	All Departments
cc:
re:	e-mail

Due to an ongoing software problem, e-mail will be shut down from 7:00am tomorrow. The repairs should be finished by the end of the day. IT apologises for the inconvenience. However, there is always the telephone. Alternatively, you could talk to each other face to face. That would be a nice change.

Rachel Stevenson

Personnel

	[email protected] 1/10/00, 5:36pm
to:	[email protected]
cc:
re:	Mako

Sorry to be getting back to you so late in the day, but Coke is taking over. You’re probably washing down your well-earned lobster with
something chilled and sparkling right now. I’m just having the Mako timings typed and they’ll be faxed to you straight away. As far as the money is concerned, if we can bring in all three commercials for under 750k to the client, I think I could sell that. He’s notoriously tight but it’s about time I taught him that the adage “quality costs” applies just as much to advertising as it does to lunch. Every time I suggest a working meal he insists on le Gavroche.

Be good. And if you can’t be good, etcetera . . .

	Rachel Stevenson – 1/10/00, 5:39pm
to:	Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re:	your resignation

Susi, if you are serious about resigning, I need to have it in writing. Doing it on voice-mail is not strictly acceptable. I have tried you at your desk but perhaps you have gone home. I have looked at your file and this is the 6
^th
resignation you have tendered. Are you absolutely sure this time or is this another “cry for help”? Please come and see me in the morning when hopefully you will feel a little calmer.

	[email protected] 1/10/00, 5:47pm (9:47pm local)
to:	[email protected]
cc:
re:	GET IN TOUCH!

Where in heaven’s name are you? I have been calling you for over fifteen minutes.

If you think that the moment I am out of the office you can clock-watch, think again.

I cannot get involved in your battles with Pinki.

You must learn to stand up for yourself.

If I have taught you one thing it must be that.

Besides, I need to speak to Pinki on far more important matters.

I have just received the fax and this work is all over the place.

The moment you return to your desk find her, and have her call me.

	[email protected] 1/10/00, 6:02pm
to:	[email protected]
cc:
re:	THE BIG SECRET

Sorry about the delay in replying but I’ve had a fucking ’mare. Bit embarrassing actually. Lol got the idea I was screwing Katie Philpott. I mean, as if – you seen her? Anyway, she came at me with a scorned woman’s weapon of choice, the nail polish remover. Ruined my Ted Baker, but the good news is she completely fucked my keyboard. So now I’m typing this on my brand new cerise iMac. It’s got some tip-top games on it as well. Lol ain’t speaking to me but reckon the offer of a full explanation over a min £60-a-head dinner might bring her round. Who says money can’t buy me love? Fucking Beatles – tossers.

Your plan on THE BIG SECRET is a good one, though I don’t know if I can keep my gob shut for a week. This is just too fucking good to keep schtum about.

E-mail is down tomorrow. Did you read the one Crutton accidentally copied to every Miller Shanks employee in the known universe? Tosser. The aftershock of his tantrum is still rattling the windows. Enjoy your fiesta of breasts tomorrow.

	Liam O’Keefe – 1/10/00, 6:10pm
to:	Lorraine Pallister
cc:
re:	kiss, kiss

I know you’re still mad but would dinner make it better? I booked somewhere with 2 (two) Michelin stars.

	Lorraine Pallister – 1/10/00, 6:13pm
to:	Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re:	kiss, kiss

See that big steel ruler on my desk? Go shove it up your arse and pray the bleeding doesn’t prove fatal.

	Ken Perry – 1/10/00, 6:15pm
to:	All Departments
cc:
re:	staff communications

Because we will be managing without e-mail tomorrow, I have arranged for extra photocopy paper to be available for memoranda. It would make most sense if we could revert to the pre-e-mail practice of colour coding all memos.

For those of you too young or too new to remember, this was pink paper for urgent all-staff, light green for non-urgent all-staff, and light blue for restricted circulation.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Ken Perry

Office Administrator

	[email protected] 1/10/00, 6:42pm (10:42pm local)
to:	[email protected]
cc:
re:	Mako