e (27 page)

I think we’re running into trouble on Kimbelle. As you know, I don’t think the client was happy with me caretaking this account until you appoint a new senior account director. Now she’s going mad because we’re behind schedule on presenting the new Super Dri work – she was expecting it before Christmas. I’ve talked to Pinki and Liam and they’re up to their necks on Mako. They reckon they’re at least a week away from cracking it. Brett and Vince are on the brief as well, but have only had it a couple of days and they fly off to shoot LOVE at the weekend. I’m sorry to bother you with this but our client might need some soothing from the senior end of account management. What do you think?

	Daniel Westbrooke – 1/6/00, 10:12am
to:	James Gregory
cc:
re:	early warning

If you had the faintest idea just how busy I am with both Coca-Cola and preparations for the LOVE shoot then surely you would not bother me with this. At your last assessment I distinctly remember you assuring me that you were more than ready to seize responsibility. I venture that if you cannot field the routine threats of
your client then you are less equipped for seniority than you would have me believe. Now, if you don’t mind, I have work to do.

	Daniel Westbrooke – 1/6/00, 10:15am
to:	Rachel Stevenson
cc:
re:	problem areas

Rachel, the very high standards of which this company is rightly proud have taken a tumble. From the front door to the gate in the basement car park, the place seems to be falling apart. I am not one to throw around my title willy-nilly, but if we do not knuckle down and sort out this mess, then rank will have to be pulled.

On a more personal note, I know you are recruiting a permanent replacement for Carla, but can I inject a sense of urgency into the process? The temp you have given me is way below the quality that a Head of Client Services has a right to expect.

	Simon Horne – 1/6/00, 10:20am
to:	Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re:	I am here

I have been at my desk for nigh on two hours trying to sort things out in my mind.

I am quite happy to solve all of Miller Shanks’s problems.

I do, though, require a little space.

Please keep everyone away from me. And bring decaff and Valium.

	Liam O’Keefe – 1/6/00, 10:27am
to:	Brett Topowlski
cc:
re:	bloody hell

Where the hell are you? Susi the Stick Insect says you’re getting your injections but this is the day you and Vin
absolutely-fucking-positively
have to be here. Something happened last night. Not Pinki being fired/resigning. Much bigger.

I’ll take you through it slowly. After Pinki left BZ and you guys fucked off to score, Lol told me her fantasy. I’ll spare you the pervier details but it involved a pair of sturdy bulldog clips, my head between her legs and the two acres of Malaysian teak forest that is Crutton’s desk.

The Best Bit
: By 11 I had her splayed out on DC’s desk and she was well up for it (I’m a bloody animal, I tell you). We reached a natural break, so I suggested a quick toot and popped down to the 2nd to get my emergency stash of Medellin’s Finest.

The Even Better Best Bit
: I passed Horne’s office and I heard him in there. I thought I should have a blast at him on Pinki’s behalf – I owe her that much, and anyway it was a chance to increase my recovery time between shags. I stuck my head in and saw him bent over his coffee table. He was humping away at a tiny Asian chick. She was biting down hard on his Mulberry blotter (so would you if you had Horne making a rear entry).

The Mother of All Best Bits
: I’m looking at her trying to work out where I’ve seen her and then it hits me. Her card’s in phone boxes all over W1. The one that says “NEW ARRIVAL . . . GENUINE THAI LADYBOY.” Asian Babe is hung like a horse – well, more like a dinky Shetland pony. I made a break before he spotted me but only to grab Mel’s digicam.

Our glorious leader, revered throughout the advertising village, devoted husband and doting father, is now the subject of a fly-on-the-wall doc. It premieres in my office the moment you get in. If you’re nice about it I’ll tell you where Lol’s tattoo is and the noise she makes when she comes.

Liam O’Keefe

Sleaze Correspondent

PS: Got any magic fairy dust? I’m fresh out.

	Rachel Stevenson – 1/6/00, 10:33am
to:	Daniel Westbrooke
cc:
bcc:	Shanice Duff
re:	problem areas

Daniel, thank you for highlighting the current admin problems. You are right to be concerned. Since Ken Perry’s unplanned departure the situation has become intolerable, and finding a temporary office manager to take over his responsibilities is proving impossible.

I believe I have a solution. I think I could persuade Ken to return to his job provided someone could coax David into allowing him back.

If you agree with my suggestion, you might want to have a quiet word with him. It would be worth pointing out that in twenty-two years of service Ken had an unblemished record. His only mistake was to hold a legally required fire drill at a time inconvenient to David’s schedule – more misjudgement than hanging offence.

I appreciate that you are not one to flaunt your status. But I do think that only someone of your seniority and with your obvious diplomatic skills could have this delicate conversation. What do you think?

Of course, as soon as we solve this I can devote all my time to finding you a new PA of the appropriate quality and stature.

	Liam O’Keefe – 1/6/00, 10:36am
to:	Lorraine Pallister
cc:
re:	knickers, emerald green, medium

If I can discreetly retrieve them from accounts, fancy losing them again tonight?

	David Crutton – 1/6/00, 10:46am
to:	Daniel Westbrooke
cc:
re:	gold star

You earn a brownie point for the suggestion you left on my voice-mail regarding Perry. Reinstate him with my blessing. Which wanker fired him anyway? I dare you to answer that correctly.

	Daniel Westbrooke – 1/6/00, 10:48am
to:	Rachel Stevenson
cc:
bcc:	David Crutton
re:	Ken Perry