Drive Me Sane (6 page)

“Doing what?” she practically yelled.

“Fighting this?”

“Fighting what, Tyler?”

Each of their voices grew louder with every word. Tyler pressed his lips firmly together, annoyed with his lack of restraint. This talk, like the one he planned earlier, wasn’t going anything like he hoped. But for whatever reason, he couldn’t seem to stop himself either. “You’re fighting me.”

He regretted it the moment it left his mouth. Her pulse raced through the vein in her neck, forcing her chest to thump heavily with each breath she took. Why was it at times he could talk to her senseless and then others like now, he knew nothing to say?

“Fighting you? Is that what you think I’m fighting?”

The piercing sound of her voice reverberated across the lawn. She closed the space between them like a bee buzzing to pollinate its next flower. Except Sera’s face didn’t resemble any flowering beauty, and there definitely wouldn’t be any pollination, although he would have gladly accepted the offer if she were agreeable.

He stepped back in apprehension of a push from her hands, but the only force that came was the finger waving erratically in front of him.

“You?” She thumped him in the chest. “Has life become all about you? You, Tyler, have no idea what I’m fighting, and trust me, it has nothing to do with you.”

They’d been here before. He and Sera had often fought, mostly about inconsequential things that amounted to nothing and usually it was because he was pushing her to say or admit something she didn’t want to. But even with that knowledge, he knew when to stop. And everything within him said he needed to stop right now. But he couldn’t.

“There’s still something here, and you’re fighting that.”

He expected a snide comeback by the snarl of her lips; however, when she continued to stare at him as if she couldn’t believe what he’d said, he went on. “You think the last three years have been easy on me? You think I wanted what happened? We were supposed to be married by now. Maybe starting a family.” He shook his head. “I don’t understand why you thought I might cheat on you. I never did anything to make you think I would.”

“Shut up,” she spat, taking a step back.

The look of horror on her face smacked him. “I never thought …” He swallowed down the guilt. “I never thought you would let me go so easily.”

This time her lips quivered. He flinched in reaction, but didn’t stall the step he took in her direction. He wanted to cover her mouth and smother the pain away for both of them, but he stopped when Sera stepped backwards in unison. Unable to match her unnerving stare, he looked off to the side. “It was never supposed to be like this.”

“And what exactly was it supposed to be like?” she asked.

The sudden strength in her voice forced his attention back to her face, but before he could expel the truth, she went on.

“Did you think you could waltz back in and that we’d take right back up where we left off? Because now things are easier for you? Because you’ve arrived and aren’t struggling anymore? I’m sorry to disappoint you, but that’s not the way it works.”

Clamping his jaw tight, he let the rush of guilt again settle over him as Sera turned back to the lawnmower. The thunder of the engine gave clear indication that the conversation was over. Trying to think of something to say, not wanting this to be the end, he stood still for a few moments.

Closing his eyes, he thought back to that awful day when the life he’d always pictured slipped away. Sera had called just as they were loading the bus in the piss-pouring rain, ready to leave for a two-week run of small-town bars. It was the cruelest type of shows: late nights in little named towns with a rowdy bunch that couldn’t care less about the free music being played. A small flat fee was paid, but Tyler made little to nothing from the gig himself.

He’d dashed back to the awning of the gas station, already soaked, to take her call, and much like all the other recent conversations they’d had, she grew anxious within a few minutes of saying hello. Her words came out short and sharp. Everything had been a battle for them for the last several weeks. He tried to calm her down, but nothing worked. He knew she was worried, but she had no idea the turmoil and stress she put him through each time they spoke. More than a thousand miles apart, her in Texas ready to deploy and him in Nashville on his way north, there wasn’t anything he could do to ease her mind other than listen. That proved to be more and more difficult with every call.

The constant accusation of him finding someone else while she was gone pissed him off. Sera knew him, knew he wasn’t that kind of man, yet she continually threw it out. It was like she was trying to break him down. Had been for weeks, and on that raining day, he teetered closely on the edge. He wasn’t sure how they were going to get through the next twelve months without both of them going completely insane if something didn’t change. Just as the bus driver yelled his name, indicating it was time to go, she threw out the allegation again. That was when he finally broke.

Sera, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep on like this. I’ve got too much going on right now.
Those three sentences said so much, yet they didn’t. He wasn’t even sure what they meant when they came out of his mouth and it didn’t help that she didn’t say anything in return.
Tyler!
the driver yelled again. He put a finger up to say he’d be a minute longer.
This isn’t fair to either one of us.
Another long silence came and then the line went dead. He wasn’t so surprised as much as mad that she’d hung up on him; she’d done it before. Angry, he crammed the phone back in his jeans, ran across the water-soaked parking lot, climbed on board, and settled in for a six-hour drive to some small town in southern Ohio. She didn’t answer when he tried to call back three hours later. If there had been any confusion about what he meant, the voicemail he left cleared it all up.
I think this is for the best. Maybe we both need a break. Be careful. I love you.

Unsure of how long he’d stood watching Sera make trips across the yard, he gave her one more look, then went back inside to the guest room, pulled out the plastic bottle from inside his suitcase, and popped a small orange-colored pill into his mouth.

Knees bouncing, Tyler darted his gaze from the clock on the wall to the door and back. When seven o’clock came and went, he gave Sera until eight to come home. At eight, he decided to wait until nine before he went looking for her. It was a quarter till.

She’d taken off again just as soon as the pill he’d taken did its job and knocked him out for the rest of the afternoon. It was after five when he woke, and without a word from her, crazy ideas hung in his head. Where she might be or whom with. Maggie? Maybe, but he didn’t have her number and wasn’t sure if she still lived in the same place. He thought about driving out to check, but really didn’t think he’d find Sera there anyway. They were never the kind of close friends that shared deep feelings. Actually, Maggie had probably shared a lot. It was Sera who didn’t divulge often. This could only mean she was likely off on her own, traipsing around in the dark—God, he hoped not, but with her, anything was possible. She’d once hitchhiked home, from one of his shows in the next town over, because they’d had a disagreement. He’d been out of his mind that night, but even more so now.

Their argument that afternoon left him greatly concerned. He’d pushed her, and then kept doing so, trying to make her say something—anything. And then he didn’t like her response when she did. She made it sound like his love was contingent with the timing of his life and whether or not it was going smoothly. His career was taking off and he was already burning out, while she was suffering in a way he couldn’t begin to understand. It definitely wasn’t the ideal circumstances to try to win your old girlfriend back, if you asked him.

Unable to sit still any longer, he jumped up and headed for the kitchen. Running his hands under the faucet, he patted his face and just turned around to check the time again when the phone rang. Instead of calming, it only pricked his already wild nerves.

“Hey, Ty, it’s Merv. Hate to bother you, buddy, but I think you should come down here.”

Whatever the reason for Merv’s call, Tyler knew it had to do with Sera. The crazy images materialized again. Had she picked a fight with another patron? Gone on a drinking binge and acted out? The latter was less likely but a lot of time had passed. A lot had changed. Not taking the time to ask, he hung up, saying he’d be right there.

• • •

For a Wednesday night, Merv packed in the house. Only a few tables sat empty as Tyler scanned the room, ignoring the music ringing in the background. No familiar faces popped out at him, but then he was only concerned with one in particular.

Not finding Sera at any of the tables, he surveyed the bar and saw Merv standing in the doorway next to the rear entrance. Slowly he made his way there, unsure if he was ready to see what he may encounter. The idea of her belligerently drunk and outside puking was the only conceivable theory and it tore at his soul to think she’d sunk that low.

“Hey,” Merv said when he was near.

“Hey,” Tyler offered back, giving a fast look outside the door, once more disappointed that he didn’t find Sera.

“I didn’t know who else to call,” Merv explained.

Tyler searched the back parking lot in the direction Merv pointed. He saw Sera sitting in the grass about ten yards away from the railroad tracks with her legs pulled up and wrapped tightly with her arms against her body. She looked lost, completely lost.

“How long has she been there?”

“She came in about four thirty this afternoon. Sat at the bar for about an hour or so, then got up and walked out the back door. When she didn’t come back in, I went looking for her and found her out there. She told me to go to hell. She’s been sitting there ever since. It was getting late, so I figure she needed to get home.”

A bit of fear crept up with worry that Sera’s condition might be worse off than he’d imagined. He hated considering the option, but had no other viable reason for what she was doing. “How much did she have to drink?”

“Just a Coke. We talked a bit. She seemed completely sober to me. A little sad, maybe, but I figured the two of you might have gotten into a spat or something.”

With that, Tyler made his way out the door and across the lot. He reached the grass just as the signal sounded for a coming train.

“Shit.” Timing definitely wasn’t on his side today.

His first reaction was to run to and herd her away so as not to have a repeat of the night before, but his curiosity to understand what she was doing overruled the idea to shield her. She’d been out there for hours. A train passed roughly every three. She’d endured the tragedy at least once on her own.

As the signal grew louder, she covered her ears. When the whistle blew, right before the train approached the crossing, she started rocking back and forth. The air in his chest thickened as he saw her body sink into a shudder as the first car passed. Even from where he stood the pressure of the train cutting through the night could be felt. The evening air pushed back, and Sera sat practically underneath, taking it all full force, hearing the cruel sounds without any kind of buffer.

With the last of the cars out of sight, she slumped forward, resting her head on her knees. A large lump formed in his throat, and the stinging rise of bile coated his neck. Swallowing hard, hoping to make it disappear, he began making his way to where she sat, but each step exemplified his unease. The tightness that had started in his stomach was everywhere now. His lungs felt as if they were about to combust. His shoulders constricted with every step he took and his head blazed with a troubled fury as the understanding of what she was doing came. It wasn’t any kind of suicide attempt. She was there to torture herself.

The rigidity dissolved a little once he was seated next to her, but then only enough to allow him to breathe. Unsure of where to start, he was once more lost for words for the woman he still desperately loved. He damned himself for being clueless on what to say or do when she needed him most.

They sat for what seemed like ages until finally Sera broke the silence.

“Merv call you?”

She’d regained some control. Tyler hadn’t looked at her directly to know she’d been crying. He saw the way her body convulsed though, and heard the sniffles that were trying to replace the sobs that were there just a few moments ago.

“He did.” There wasn’t any point in lying. She’d be able to see right through him.

Another silence dragged on. Tyler picked at a blade of grass, attempting to get a handle on his emotions. “Why are you doing this?”

• • •

Sera looked straight ahead. Why? The answer was so simple, but she was sure Tyler wouldn’t get it.

“You think I’m crazy, don’t you?”

“Are you trying to make me think you are?”

“No.”

“No, Sera, I don’t think you’re crazy. Having a hard time with something, yes, but not crazy. In fact, if you sat in the house all day being pleasant and nice, then I might question it. You were never the kind who sat back and let something take you over, but I don’t understand. Not this. Why would you put yourself through this?”

Sera thought about what she wanted to say. She had so much bundled up inside. There was so much Tyler didn’t know. No one knew. PTSD had so many different layers and degrees to it that it was a hard condition to figure out. Not one affected person acted or responded the same and while some knew what triggered their episodes, others weren’t so lucky. She wanted to count her blessings. Trains were an obvious prompt for her breakdowns and while she had once tried to avoid them, she was tired of running from her problems. Running wasn’t helping. Whether she eluded any sightings of them or not, the memories were still there. Somehow she still found her way back to that day beside the tracks in Afghanistan. The sad part was, the thought of a train had actually brought her comforting memories in the moments before the blast. But now all it was was a reminder of what had happened.