Dream Shard (20 page)

He felt her reaching out to him. He should have raised his defenses. Should have shut her out for her own good, but he just couldn’t do it. She was reaching for him and, God forgive him, it soothed the thing inside him that was so hungry for companionship.

So he let her in, soaked up the feeling of her as she started toward him. He was moving down the hillside, cutting around the trees as their link strengthened and became deeper. When they reached each other, it felt like two waves crashing into one another. The force was jarring, but they fused into one living force.

“I need you.” His arms shook as he held her tight.

“I know how you feel,” she admitted.

He grabbed her hand and pulled her after him, into the house and behind the door of her bedroom. The frustration and uncertainty that had tormented him for most of the day finally vanished. She completed him in some way that he didn’t fully understand, but he knew he was empty without it.

Devon groaned and rolled over some time later. It felt later than his watch told him it was. Half an hour had never been so renewing. “I should have showered first.”

“Waste of water,” Kalin teased. “Because we both need a shower now.”

She followed him out of the bed, leaving the bedding on the floor where it fell.

She was actually nervous, her belly knotting with uncertainty as she joined him in the bathroom. They’d never talked after sex. She felt a whole new level of exposure as he turned on the shower. She reached over and locked the door.

“Jacobs has master keys,” Devon informed her.

“Killjoy,” she accused with a pout. “My whole fantasy of the door being kicked in just died in a sizzle of reality.”

He offered her a half laugh that was completely unsatisfying.

“You’ve forgotten how to have fun,” she groused.

He reached in and tested the water.

“That sort of thing can be serious, you know.”

“So can getting caught with my guard down. You might have noticed that little fact when that acquisitions team showed up at your cabin.”

“You’re not an acquisition.”

“To some people I am.” He stepped inside the shower, retreating from her thoughts.

Well, she wasn’t in the mood to be shut out. She opened the shower door and stepped right in with him. He turned around, surprise flashing through his eyes.

“Enough cloak and dagger.” She grabbed the soap and began to apply it to his chest. “Let’s go back to being sex-crazed teens. We seem to be a little better at that game.”

His cock was hardening against her hip as she stroked the soap across his chest. But what she liked best was the way he flowed back into her mind and the lightness to his thoughts.

“Agreed,” he muttered in the tone that made her shiver. It was low and full of passion and it truly curled her toes.

Sometime in the early morning hours, Devon felt his dreams intensify. They rose up from the corners of his mind, in full color and so detailed he would have sworn he even smelled them. The pieces that he’d been trying too hard to grasp floated through his mind as sleep held him down and kept him from tightening his discipline.

Heather.

Missions.

Women he’d held who were nothing more than willing bodies to relieve his lust but who had left him empty when he was finished. Never satisfied. Not until Kalin.

Heather.

She was smiling, her eyes shimmering as she placed a hand over her belly…

He opened his eyes, stared at the ceiling as his memories settled into place. All of them in plain sight.

Rochelle.

Shit!

He’d done exactly what he’d worked so hard to avoid.

He brought his unit to the place Heather had hidden their daughter.

“So you remember.”

Devon jumped and had his gun out before his eyes focused on the person who’d spoken.

Grace didn’t even blink. She simply waited for him to identify her before moving any closer. “I wondered if you would.”

“You should have warned me.” Devon slid his gun back into its holster and returned his attention to the small cabin he’d been watching. “You promised me, Grace.”

“If you failed to remember her, I would have been keeping my promise to you.” Grace gestured him toward her. “She sleeps on the other side of the house.”

They hiked through the forest, circling the cabin-style home.

“How did you get Jacobs to take the tracking beacon off you?”

“My hand was swelling,” she answered before settling down and pointing toward a small window. “I might have dumped excessive salt on my dinner. That sort of thing doesn’t agree with pregnancy.”

But she was wearing a gun now. She had a chest harness on with a handgun nestled against her left side since her belly was far too large for a standard gun belt.

“Jacobs is a little concerned about the way you lunged at me.”

“Garrick will have something to say about you shooting me.”

“I’ll aim low and let Kalin tend you. It will be so…sweet.”

“You mean Jacobs didn’t want to have to lock you down and figured dealing with Garrick was easier than facing your temper.”

“Maybe. I didn’t ask him to elaborate.”

He looked down on the sandbox sitting in the yard. There was a bright pink tricycle nearby and a swing set. He reached out his mind, searching for his daughter.

Grace had terrified Heather with what Rochelle would be forced to become. So his wife had hidden her pregnancy, and he’d allowed her to, convincing himself that she just needed time.

Heather had surprised him by making good use of that time. When she’d slipped away, no one had noticed until he returned from a mission. At least, he’d thought no one had noticed, but there had been a mole on base who had sent a team after his wife with only one goal. To retrieve his child. The mother was expendable. Devon had used the horror to tighten his mental resolve to make sure he never fell in love again.

“If we’re not back by sunrise, Jacobs and Gennaro are going to have a reason to look down here.”

Devon snapped out of his memories and nodded. “You’re right. Thanks for coming to get me.”

“You’re still determined to leave her here?”

Devon nodded. “Female Operatives don’t do very well.”

“At the moment, you’re the one not doing well.” Grace stood and sent him a confident look. “I am happy.”

“Would you be as happy if that was a girl?” Devon pointed at her belly.

“It would be more difficult,” she admitted and tilted her head toward her mountain-top home. “I look in on Rochelle from time to time.”

It was the best he could do for his tiny daughter. He savored one last moment of being able to feel her. That sensation of their minds mingling while she slept.

But he couldn’t stay. The realities of his life would rip that sweet little baby from her bed and thrust her into the world where sleeping with a gun was more important than snuggling with a stuffed animal.

He’d made the choice to sacrifice his own relationship with her and he wasn’t going to alter that.

He’d made hard choices about his personal life and even when they stung, the knowledge that he was keeping his life from infecting another’s was enough.

It was time to go back to his life.

Helicopters woke her up. They powered up and lifted off as she dressed.

Kalin went down the hallway and stared at the junior officer attached to Devon’s unit. He’d just come through the front door but stopped when he spotted her.

“I’m charged with returning you to base.” He was younger than Gennaro but looked full of the same confidence the major seemed to embody. “I’d like to lift off in fifteen. Your belongings will be moved.”

He cut her a salute and turned in a sharp motion to go back through the front door.

All she was left with was a sense of emptiness. The house was suddenly no longer welcoming. She moved toward the door and looked out to confirm what she’d suspected.

Devon was gone. Three of the helicopters were missing. As she watched, Grace moved into sight and climbed into one of the remaining helicopters. A few moments later, it lifted away.

“I need you.”

Well, apparently Devon didn’t need her anymore. She went back down the hallway and stripped the sheets from the bed. She tossed them into the laundry room before grabbing her jacket and finding the contents of her wallet. Carrying a purse felt wrong, so she used a small backpack to stuff her meager belongings into. She walked down the hallway with its bare walls and outside into the crisp morning air.

For the last time.

A Ranger was waiting for her, waving her forward the moment she appeared. She could have sworn she felt his impatience with his task.

Well, maybe she did. Devon had certainly taught her that gut instinct was more.
He taught you more than that.

She ignored her inner voice because she wasn’t sure she could handle thinking about Devon. He’d walked away from her. Maybe she didn’t have any concrete evidence, but she felt it.

And with Devon, that was what mattered.

“You’re better than most of my assignments.” Sonya Roberts flashed him a smile as she settled down in front of him.

Devon didn’t answer her. Sonya was still a kid. Both in age and mentality. She was eighteen, but he was pretty sure he hadn’t been as free with his emotions as she was when he was her age.

“Why not?” she asked.

He crossed his arms over his chest, waiting for her to cut to a pertinent topic.

Sonya smiled. “Take your glasses off.”

He reached up and pulled his shades off. He folded them, slid them into a shirt pocket and reminded himself to not take it personally. The lab-coat brigade would never let his word be the final deciding factor. Oh no. There would be assessments and interviews and tests. All of it would be factored and weighed before he was returned to full duty.

“You’re frustrated,” Sonya declared.

Devon snorted but said nothing else.

“Oh, Devon, you used to be more fun,” she complained. “You’re all closed off.”

“I’m back in control.”

She fixed her light-green eyes on him and he felt her digging through his mind. It wasn’t the merging he enjoyed with Kalin. This was pure invasion and exposure.

“Kalin…” Sonya muttered, half in the real world and half in her mind. She flattened her hands on the table between them.

“Don’t deviate from the meeting agenda,” he warned.

Sonya lost her teasing mood. In fact, it was almost like it was a façade. A really good one because he’d never realized her playful demeanor wasn’t her true personality. He sat up and captured her wrists when she tried to pull them back. She lashed back at him with far more precision than he’d believed her capable of.

She smiled and fluttered her eyelashes again for the benefit of their audience. He released her, respecting her privacy. But he shot her a warning to return the favor. She gave a little sigh.

“You’re all there again.”

She stood up and waited for the door to the interrogation room to open. Garrick was on the other side, watching the proceedings through a one-way glass window.

There were dozens of people watching. They pressed in on him until he raised his defenses to shut them out because it was becoming too much to take. The picking, prodding, rating, assessing, it was pressing against his skull.

But he was lonely inside his shell. There were times it had been his fortress. By nightfall, it was a hollow shell. He finally made it outside and drew in a deep breath. Garrick was the only one still watching him, but his C.O. didn’t step up beside him.

He shouldn’t wonder why.

But he did, and the moment the question crossed his mind, he was seeking the answer. His brain didn’t know how to shut off.

Kalin.

In a moment, he knew where she was and that knowledge burned like a live coal. It took all his strength not to look toward the small block of quarters she was in.

He wanted to.

Wanted to go to her and let her soothe the ache from the day. She’d welcome him.

But for how long?

As much as he longed for her tonight, he knew it would only deepen the pain when she looked at him the way Heather had at the end. She would. He had no doubt, and the day of assessments only confirmed his conclusions.

His life was ugly. Nothing but sharp edges that drew blood every time he bumped into them. Time had toughened his skin, adding calluses that were thick enough to dull the pain. But it turned his stomach to think about the same happening to Kalin.

So he walked away.

Kalin woke up in a sweat.

Her respiration was rapid and her muscles stiff. But at least the nightmare receded when she opened her eyes.

“You’re getting better at controlling those.”

She jumped, a startled cry half escaping her lips.

Only half because Devon lunged toward her and cupped a hand over her mouth. One moment he was part of the darkness, and the next he had her locked in a grip that felt like he could snap her neck if he wished.

“I could.” His voice was full of self-loathing. “That’s why I can’t be here.”

The grip on her neck relaxed, massaging the flesh he’d bruised. He touched his forehead to hers and drew in a deep breath.

“I shouldn’t be near you…”

For a moment, she heard the man she’d shared her body with.

“I can’t be him.” He released her, lifting his head, withdrawing from her.

It felt like he was ripping out a part of her.

“Yes, you can.” She flattened her hand on his chest. “I’ve felt you be him.” She leaned forward and kissed him, but he pulled back. “I think I might love him, and that’s just as scary for me as it is for you.”

He drew in a stiff breath and stood. “No, it’s not. Do you want me to tell you what happened to the last woman who loved me? She grew to hate me and all of this…” He gestured to the military base beyond the concrete wall of her room. “She ran, and before I caught up with her, she shot herself to keep from having an acquisitions team force her into to revealing the location of our baby. That’s what will happen to you if I don’t stay away from you.”

He cussed before turning away from her. Maybe it would have been smarter to let him go, but her heart was bleeding, aching for him.